why can't i write anymore?
what have i lost
that once meant everything to me?
don't say it
don't say it's him.
just because he's gone doesn't mean i have to be.
but then again
i always have had a habit of dissociating with
the identities that remind me of suffering.
i wonder if someday, in a few years,
i will dissociate with this identity, this current one
the identity that dreams of scientific discovery
of astrophysics, and neuropsychology
of MIT and professors who think i have talent
and will adopt some other
one that is just as opposite as science was to writing.
i wonder if i'll ever know who i truly am
or if i'll just keep leaving behind
everything that links me to these sleepless, anxious nights
to this pale face, these cold hands, these downcast eyes
to the depression that seems to follow me wherever i go.
i'm so lost
and if i can't even find myself,
who else will?

What I thought was gone, may not be
Who I once was, never learned
How I left, may be the same way I return

Lies and truths, they intermingle
Smiles and frowns, unite as one
Hearts and minds, they bleed until their colors run

how far could we reach
if we unraveled our hearts
and spread them across the sky?

the brightness would blind us
but with our love as our guide
we'd never lose sight of the future

the secrets we'd whisper
as we climbed o'er the mountains
would echo down to everyone listening

our freedom is a rule
that we've both worked hard to follow
and it will keep us dreaming on and on

Sometimes we grow attached
to the feeling of salt in our wounds.
Sometimes we invite in
the diseases that devour our souls.

Oh yes, I see the flora
But it is black, white, and grey.
And when I close my eyes,
The colors magnify, intensify,
Until suddenly they aren't flowers anymore,
But forgotten faces, forgotten dreams
Pleading for remembrance, revival
Only to receive rejection
From this cold heart of mine.
You are the past, and I am the present!
No, they whisper, we are the future.
Where you see beauty,
I see a skeleton of lies.

Pumped full of air
Stretched to the brim
Tied with a knot
Ready for a whim

Trailing in the wind
Bobbing to the beat
Clasped in a hand
Sweaty from the heat

Oops, slipped away!
Drifted to the sky
Popped from the altitude
Never more to fly

I wish everyone would be quiet
so you could listen
and I'd be honest
and it'd be that easy
but it's not, because there's the past
and the present
and far too much time in between.

Some guys aren't worth it.

                              You rip yourself down,

           tear yourself away,

                        shed your true self to make him want you

when he's just too wild to lure in.

And then you're nothing but

                              a broken  s o u l  drifting aimlessly

                                                 in the atmosphere.

            He was {never} worth ruining yourself.

why do you feel so alone?
your rumpled bed sheets say all I need to know
about your restless nights, your insomniac eyes
the bruises on your walls can't be covered up
darkness does something to you that I can't understand
so quiet, always lost in your labyrinth mind
I'm afraid of breaking you

letting people in has never been easy for you
the locks on your doors keep more in than they keep out
what haunts you?
your fears are unknown, so you hide from the world
anxiety is tearing you down, burning your keys
you invited in what you thought would comfort you
but loneliness crippled you instead

i'd give up my smile
just so you could have one.

Do you know what beauty is?

Some say it's these eyes.
The same eyes that have been rubbed with fists
that don't know their purpose,
fists that only know these tears are foreign,
and it is their job to eradicate them.
These eyes are two-sided mirrors,
only showing what the outer person believes to see,
not what's really there.
These eyes have known smiles, but not sleep;
joy, but not peace.
Are these eyes still beautiful?

Some say it's this smile.
The same smile that has been too many frowns,
curves of confusion and wishful thinking.
These teeth, straight and strong
only because of man's work, not nature's.
Teeth that were once blamed for unattractiveness,
and kept hidden by tight-lipped
excuses of a smile.
Lips that are anxiously bit rather than kissed,
red with embarrassment and the feeling
of never measuring up.
Together, these lips and teeth create a smile,
but alone they are just forcefully arranged teeth,
and lips that worry.
Is this smile still beautiful?

Some say it's these curls.
The curls that are, but don't want to be,
and only are because hormones got a hold of them.
These curls are soft, but disguised of that
by flyaway frizz that wants freedom
but will never get it.
These curls are angry at their boundaries,
and they take that anger out on me.
The truth is, I could never set them as free
as they wish to be.
Are these curls still beautiful?

Some say it's this size.
The petite waist and slender arms,
the curvy legs and prominent chest,
this childish height.
Smallness makes the big feel bigger,
stronger, more capable.
But it also makes the small feel smaller.
This is the same waist that hungers perpetually,
the same arms that shiver when no one else does,
the curves that hesitate instead of bragging,
and the height that's mocked, condescended,
and shamefully despised.
Is this size still beautiful?

The heart of the matter is that beauty
is simply misunderstood.
Beauty is the surface of unfathomable depths.
It is not beauty at all, but merely
an acceptance, or a recovery, or a new birth.
Something that was,
but wasn't until it was discovered.
And if this is the case, why aren't we searching for it?
Why are we waiting for beauty to appear
when we could be finding it?

i can't help but answer
the ethereal voice of the ocean.

nights like these taunt me, saying
"no wonder you're alone."
the living sleep, and the dead cannot
even irony shakes her head.

moons like these wish to comfort
"see? beauty yet exists in the night."
beauty so far away, so unreachable
the clouds could push it away.

winds like these have no respect
"our job is priority, you hold no value."
I am blown to pieces in shame
and the light breeze never follows.

hearts like these don't sleep in the night
"we aren't fooled by false promises."
rest comes too late and never enough
the morning has no mercy.

I could lie, but
even the moon misses you tonight.

some things need a voice,
a confident persuader,
a controller of audiences,
a tool of regal purpose,
but I can only write.

i don't want to read your curious looks
your casual tones, or anything they hint of
i did that once, and look where it got me

i don't want to read your eyes
or the crinkles that come with them
forced happiness hurts both ends, you know

i don't want to read your sighs
castoff glances, held breaths
waiting for something neither of us can place

i don't want to read your anger
the clenching of fists and jaws and hearts
interfering only backfires on me

i don't want to read your absences
how you don't seem to care until you're back
but i always do

i don't want to read your glares
frustration through avoidance, that's what you do
this game's too foolish for me

i don't want to read your heart
it's not written in a language i'd understand
and such is for the better

i don't want to read your scars
i might remember who caused them
and wonder why that who still exists

i don't want to read your memories
they're not the same as mine
maybe they never were

you always will be,
even though you never were.

is it so selfish to ask
for just one day with you
a day of meetings,
a day of greetings,
a day of completings.
disregarding yesterday,
ignoring tomorrow,
just being today,
with you.

i'm so scared
of who i would be
without you

i have
no words for these feelings
they're just
abandoned particles of something
even if
they sometimes feel like nothing
but when
i'm forced to speak, all I say is
I have
no feelings for these words

i looked under my bed
and found my heart, today
it wasn't like i remembered
my old heart glowed, pulsed
dancing to its own music
resting to its own lullaby
dreaming to its own promise
warm with love, and life
soft with compassion
bright with a future
my new heart is unrecognizable.
its breath short and labored
its sight damp and blurred
its touch cold and calloused
my new heart is lifeless
charred from the burns
limp from the torture
numb from the exhaustion
i never knew a heart bled until today.
if i could cry, i would
but now that i've found it,
my heart won't let me.
it's bitter at me,
for leaving it all alone
for not appreciating its existence
for believing in its invincibility
it's compensating for lost time
time i could've healed
time i could've loved
time i could've lived
and now i'm afraid of my heart.
an unthinkable thought
an unimaginable feeling
an unwanted result
i prepare for anger
i prepare for hatred
i prepare for the worst
but it doesn't come.
underneath the nasty glares
underneath the throbbing pain
underneath the shrouded fear
with shameful eyes
wavering doubts
but strong desires,
my heart wants to forgive.

when nights seem endless
moons don't shine
the clouds block your view
think of those breathless memories
just between him and you
the future is so far away
desires overwhelm
you think that it's just far too late
he's in another realm
but darling, it's still possible
to bring him back to you
your constant hope will be the key
just listen and you'll see

love is guiding you
through the dark, lonely cold
it's the fire within that warms your soul
empowers all you do
when you're lost and shivering,
thinking "nothing's worth it, why even try?"
reach deep inside and find your cause
you know it's all a sacrifice
'cuz someday soon he'll realize
the one he needs is you

the restless waiting
drains your heart
it swallows all your joy
the mask you wear is fading fast
and tearing you apart
if heartache, pain, and misery
is all that you endure
hold on a little longer, dear
these moments soon will pass
it's just the price that must be paid
your reward is within reach
spirits rise and trust in this
the darkness around you will fade

love is guiding you
through the dark, lonely cold
it's the fire within that warms your soul
empowers all you do
when you're lost and shivering
thinking "nothing's worth it, why even try?"
reach deep inside and find your cause
you know it's all a sacrifice
'cuz someday soon he'll realize
the one he needs is you

your love is like a ray of light
breaking through the cloudy skies
drying up the broken tears
and wilting all the lies
you never thought this day would come
it's like a whole new world
and in the end your dream came true
the one he loves is you

love was guiding you
through the dark, lonely cold
it blazed the way and warmed your soul
turned darkness into light
your days of pain are over now
the future's waiting to be filled
perseverance won, he realized
the one he needed was you

"Don't hide your feelings"
says
the biggest liar of them all.

when I stick my hand under hot water
it takes a moment to realize
i'm burning.

why are you insecure?
you have so many strengths,
so much potential

why don't you smile?
you bring everyone else happiness
you deserve some, too

why are you afraid?
how can you be so brave for others
but not for yourself?

why can't you realize?
there's a world awaiting you
will you embrace it?

you once were my addiction
necessary for survival,
a coping mechanism
to deal with my struggles

i thought i loved you
that you were my savior
but i couldn't see the truth
you were breaking me down

you cleared my head,
calmed me down
soothed my worries
helped me forget the world

but once you were gone,
it all came rushing back
and suddenly i was alone
and worse off than before

until i gave you up
quit you, stopped it all
ignored my cravings,
i deserved a better life

i was amazed to see
i really could live without you
you weren't keeping me alive
i was

but hard times came again
and i can't help but wonder
maybe I was wrong?
maybe I did need you?

no, I can't give in
you only want to ruin me
and i'm in control
i must resist, for my sake

i can conquer you
you'll never go away, but
i know now your deceit
and I'm vowing to stay sober

reach into our past, 'cause
we don't wanna look back
feeling for the memories
enough of all the pain please

hoping for consolence
always feeling cold since
all that we were never
turned into forever

trying to remember
stirring dying embers
doing it the hard way
darling no we can't stay

'cause.... we're...

fading fading fading
into oblivion
we're fading fading fading
into oblivion

dreading my tomorrow
fed up with the sorrow
left it on the back porch
burnt it with a lit torch

we said it was the end
tired of playing pretend but
where are all the good days?
back when we were always

dreaming of the future
never thought of after

'cause.... we're...

fading fading fast
fading fading fast
into oblivion
oblivion

stretching out the last bits
ignoring where regret sits
drifting off into space
i knew it was too late

'cause.... we're...

fading fading fading
into oblivion
fading fading fading
into oblivion.

close your eyes
and just breathe in the lovely summer air
july nights
remind me of our quests to catch a cloud
soft and warm
smiling stars with brilliant sparkling teeth
want to say

"you're not alone, you're off

somewhere, somewhere.
where crimson skies and lanterns light our paths
where the cold
never reaches us beneath the moon
waterfalls
cascading down the shimm'ring sleeted cliffs
you could tell
all your secrets to the palm trees
and everyone
could try to look but never find your
hideaways
'cuz you're not there with them you're off somewhere."

i love how you
make me want to become
a better person

it's funny how i'm not invincible anymore
around you
my advantages dissolve and i'm left with nothing but
butterflies
their wings at rhythm with my scattered
heartbeat
lean close to hear my quiet voice
i'm so shy
unworthy to meet your gaze, those pretty eyes
listen please
i'm a little scared, a little unprepared
a little lost
but i hope you'll stay with me anyway

i was once an emblem of beauty
but after you broke me,
i had nothing left to give the sun.

i'm exhausted from
fighting against the immortality
of unwanted emotions.

i rage and lunge
stabbing mercilessly, over and over
but each blow hurts me, too.

i huddle alone, worn out
and it taunts me with its laughs
it knows i'll never win.

i was just a star
lost in the sky
until you wished on me.

if I was lost
would you search for me?

if I was cold
would you share your warmth?

if I was afraid
would you be the brave one?

if I gave up
would you keep believing?

you were supposed to forget me.

you were supposed to smile and walk away
no tears in your eyes, no regret in your heart
you were supposed to ignore what we had
pretend it wasn't real, we weren't real.

you were supposed to move on, find a life
live it beautifully like you once had
you were supposed to dream of beginnings
not endings you couldn't change.

you were supposed to laugh at the right times
listen like time had frozen in that moment
you were supposed to find her, need her
more than you ever needed me.

you weren't supposed to look back.

I want to feel like I can't breathe again
I want that swell of true happiness, the threat of escape
I want your smile, your eyes on mine
There are these moments, when you make me laugh
And some of my joy bubbles out, and suddenly
I want to let it all out
All my bashful smiles, my protective fears, my dreams of you
Would you laugh too?
I want to hear it in your voice, the same feeling I feel
I want to lean over the cliff and experience the thrill
The adrenaline of expectation, anticipation
Not knowing my answer, or yours, or any of the future
But embracing it no matter the consequences
Because the risk for you
Is absolutely worth it.

There once was a cupcake
          who knew where an elf lived
               but then
      the captain took her away.

                        now
          the elf lives isolated
in a gigantic, silent, undisturbed forest
                     hidden
                      alone.

      the cupcake, epitome of popularity
always tugged off to be the delight of the party
                     a role model.

          the captain, wretched sailor
      never stays in one place for long
                always looking for
                    new horizons
          leaving behind crewmates.

                        the elf
                 succumbed to
                      being a
                       statue.

maybe you were just a lesson I needed learning
time's child, grown too soon
but then, time rushes for no man
so perhaps you only lasted as long as you were meant to.

maybe you were a gift of hope
in a moment when I needed it most
someone to cling to, someone to treasure
but that hope wilted when the sun wouldn't shine.

maybe you were a fabrication of memories
gathered and sewn together carefully
a quilt of the past, too old-fashioned for the present
and after a while I couldn't keep you from unraveling.

maybe you were a daydream
floating around in my head, quiet and breathless
a perfect fantasy I'd escape to when I was lonely
but reality would always find its way back to me.

and maybe you were just you
the you I always forgot, or tried to forget
the you who would never return my feelings
but I risked loving you anyway.

I would sing you a song
But my heart's out of tune
Sore from all the playing with
Its melody's blue

But I've a lovely escape
Where I forget about you
It takes me a while, but
It's worth coming to

'Cuz when I'm there I can laugh
And show how I feel
No holding back
All my smiles are real

To remember the past
Is a fruitless affair
I'm erasing the memories
Content not to care

If your words make me cry
Or wish I were nothing
I'll just breathe, close my eyes
And find what makes me sing

Waiting, wanting
knowing it's so far away
Crying, aching
smiling like it's all okay
Joking, laughing
just to cover up
Hiding, faking
almost out of luck

The truth is a lie
and no one is honest
It's too late to try
I'm just like the rest
I never was an option
though I liked to pretend
After all, in the long run
I'm only a friend

I was absent of a chance
though you've given her many
I'm not worthy of your glance
your choices are plenty
Our "moments" were a game
and you played it well
I'll never be the same
I'm still under your spell

Waiting, wanting
knowing it's so far away
Crying, aching
smiling like it's all okay
Joking, laughing
just to cover up
Hiding, faking
almost out of luck

crisscross
interlapping
wishes cost
neverlasting

stumble fall
vows are broken
blank white walls
silence spoken

can't deny
shapeless shadows
asking why
nobody knows

feeling cold
snap the framework
now i'm bold
dangers still lurk

empty stares
shout to smile
no one cares
turn the dial

switch the light
crash without me
stretch to height
slumberlessly

don't look back
filled with dread
aching heart but
rest's ahead

lost in time
thoughts explode
drifts in rhyme
what we sowed

reality's
the only option
present freeze
healing motion

wipe away
view the sunset
edges fray
rid the regret

fear exposed
not mistaken
my hopes rose
dreaming, taken

For so long, our whispers
Held secrets never told
But one day, we ran out
Something in us grew old

Confusing as it may be
We both knew it was true
Dropping anchor in the past
Was not wise to do

We agreed "nothing's wrong"
Certain struggles were ignored
But if one thing could be said
From the shadows, silence roared

Stretching between us was
A gulf of emptiness
And the answer to the problem
Still, I cannot guess

Emerald eyes glisten; I strain to see your soul.
'Tis forever been a mask, hiding is your role.
Listen...look! Pay attention, or you'll miss me
A ghost of before-life; floating aimlessly

Remember the shivers, up and down your spine?
When I told you, "I know this, I never miss a sign"
Smiles, tears; forced forever will be
If you don't know where to go, I can set you free

I know the void inside you, I'll fill it if I may
You've forever been see-through, fragile like clay
I'll break you! or I'll mend you; it's all in your choice
Let me out of this prison. I am your voice

Rip it and out spills
the terror and cold chills
my heart isn't anchored
so leave me alone.

Shock flits and shakes up
my entire make up
i reached for some solace
but only found air.

Nights of pure heartache
are endless so i'll take
a breath of this sorrow
and exhale my song.

The morning is coming
but sleep is still running
from me and I can't seem
to catch it for long.

My hope is off floating
its layers recoating
so when it comes back
i can tear it again.

But i'll wish for dreams
and when all of it seems
like it's pressing too hard
i'll say softly "goodnight."