I sleep to pass time
because she keeps telling me that
"Time heals wounds"
But it's not just time,
It is the emotion i feel over time,
The grief I experience
And the stages I go through.
Time heals wounds,
But how long?
I don't know if I can wait,
And I sure as hell
cant sleep through it
Everything hurts.
And I am so
Tired.

You are the sun and I'm melting,
Thigh fat sweating into the hot paved roads
Forehead dripping and hair
Matted to my skin
You are the sun and I can't see,
So let me sit here for a moment
And regain the feeling in my legs
Before you
Pull me up
And blind me with a smile
Baby I didn't know it hurt
Cause I'm too focused on the glint of your teeth
Your plush lips shake
And so do my knees
Darling you are the sun
And on this summer day
I'm sunbathing

i am a bad artist
my body is a vessel for emotion that nearly never gets opened
and when it does, it's confetti blown from a sawed off shotgun
but for now, the safety is on
and little pieces of colored paper decorate my sleep in the form of nightmares
putting my finger over that trigger feels a lot like losing control
i am powerless
fighting fire with gasoline in a house i live in, alone
i am alone
because the people who taught me how to love do not love me and that makes me
lonely

did it ever occur to you that maybe i'm exactly where i wanted to be?
years and years of self destruction in hopes that i'll eventually be sick enough to take the medicine
sick enough to be bed ridden
mother in the chair in the corner of the room, praying for me
calling all the doctors, saying "she needs help"
but i tell her im sick and she says "i need help"
and i don't know how to get well with a hypochondriac

they told me to use sage
cleanse my soul, my environment, my headspace
and i agree with them because i don't know how to say that i'm already clean without having to explain that i've taken 2 baths today
and yesterday

lately i just can't seem to find my faith
i think it may have gotten lost somewhere between the hotel, three different therapists, and the letters i get in the mail from a team of people that want to know my truth
my truth?
well i apologize, your honor, as my truth is
an ocean, a non-linear mass of blue, only 5-7 percent discovered

i guess what i'm trying to say is

i am afraid
that when you ask me to take the safety off and pull the trigger
i'll forget how to aim

They kissed me,
To the soundtrack of gunpowder
Red white and blue
Fire burning in my eyes
I didn't want to kiss back

I'm scared of fireworks,
Scared to feel the
Wick run down
And hit my fingernails

Coated in the scent of someone I do not love.

You're different
When I kiss you there's no fireworks
No burning in my eyes
Or fear in my chest

When I kiss you I see stars
Legs turning to jelly with the lack of gravity
I'm floating in space
With your chest pressing against mine

Independence Day is coming up

And this year,
You'll turn fireworks to stars

This house doesn't feel safe anymore
You're yelling so loud
That i can't even hear
How hard I'm breathing,
The pain ripping through your voice
A sob in the middle of the night.
Why'd you have to come home high?
The skunk of ****
Prefaces your existence
And everywhere you go
I smell cigs
Put out on someone's skin
Was it your own?
Don't run away from me.
While you were out
Sleeping on the bare ground
A tent cradling you
letting the acid melt on your tongue

I sank into my bed,
And let my stomach burn
I ran away from you

I forget what it feels like
To look up to someone.

You're hurting.

I can't help you,
And I definitely can't help myself
I let a monster into my heart
And I have bile rising up my throat from the thought of their tongue
Against my crooked teeth.

This bed doesn't feel safe anymore
Sheets stained with the filth
Of adulthood.
I'm still a baby.

I wish I could text you
And ask you to protect me
I miss when we were young
And you still wanted to be my friend.

Things are getting better I guess
But when he comes home high
I'm reminded of you
He was too young to remember
But I was awake for the fights
And the yelling match
Echoes while he lights a match
Inside

I'm not afraid of fire,
But I'm afraid you're gonna burn this house down,

And when all I have left
Is ashes

I'll put up my own tent,
And run away.

I feel like an angel
Pressed down by your chest

I've been wishing for this,
So many nights on my knees
******* my sheets
And grasping my heart

I feel blessed,
The warmth of your body on mine
Soothing the cold I've been feeling

I have found heaven in your love,
I no longer hope to die,
I only hope to kiss you

Please crush me underneath your
God like gaze
I want to melt into you
And live forever

I feel like an angel,
Pressed down by your chest

Im out of breath

warmth spreads
From my anxious chest
Up to my drying cheeks
letting the salt water simmer
At a comforting heat.
I'm glad you're here,
To make sure I don't freeze myself to death.