For forty-five minutes today, I refused to look at my phone.

That's an accomplishment by the way, my phone is new,
shiny rose gold, with a fingerprint scanner and a high res camera
sometimes I find my fingers just playing with the screen
a familiar caress to calm my breathing and lull me to a sense of dulled security
I cheated a few times, I looked when my mom texted me
saying she'd be another fifteen minutes late, and another

But other than that, I wouldn't look
I looked at the people instead, the trees, the cars
Sitting under the pink awning of some random storefront
I challenged myself to look the sidewalk goers in the eyes
and smile

Some smiled back, there were some awkward how are you exchanges
with people I've never met, some glazed their eyes over and pretended not to see

I saw the most unhappy looking women get into her blue car with her bags from the pharmacy
I watched a older man sit in a spot on his tablet, listening to the radio
I wondered if he was just having time to enjoy himself when his wife came out of the store and the started arguing, good-naturedly
'What else do we have to do?' 'I don't know' 'Do you want to walk around?' 'God no, I hate this town'
Me too sometimes, me too

Everyone here is in a rush
It is a grab-everything-in-sight town
A material, self-centered town, with prices that pay for it
It's odd for a girl my age to stop, slow down and watch people
To smile for the almost-spring breeze, for the cute siblings across the street bundled into matching winter coats
To smile for the sake of smiling

My cheeks burned self-conscious with the thought of how I must appear to everyone
I touch the phone in my pocket
then push it further into the lining of my coat, along with the fear of being me

For forty-five minutes today, I lived authentically

The three of us drag our feet across the snowy field
I bet you he's laughing right now Mom insists
I mean, we know we're in the right place
This spot is burned into each of our minds
But we can't find him
I use my shoes to scuff the snow off one plaque,
then another
My toes going numb and cold
Baring the grass to the frigid air
But to no avail
The three of us laugh because there is nothing else to do
There's homework and after school activities to complete
We can't stay combing the ground back and forth all day
We say our I love you's and goodbye's
And walk away, leaving only a trail of footprints behind

Today, I lost my dad's grave underneath the snow

It didn't hurt, I left it there that way
Life carried on

Every rose has its thorn
Every ocean its undertow
You have yours, but I've been lucky
You let me past those walls
And what I found was a friend for a lifetime

I can't remember the day we met
But that's what makes us ourselves
Because you're here to do that for me

It just seems like I've always known you

I've never looked up to someone as much as I do to you
Your artwork, creativity
Your cool rationale,
Your sassy smirk,
The ability you've manifested to be an adult
Driving, job and school, taking care of yourself

You're by my side to search for what I've lost
Literally, Metaphorically
You see this town in the same light I do
We have the same passion, same plans, same past
Almost

When my demons snake thier limbs out for me, it is you I use as my shield

I think you may even be better at keeping things hidden than I am
Thank everything you let me in
You are beautiful, perfect
You do enough, try hard enough
You don't need to lose weight, you can have whatever makes you happy
If you can't trust anyone else, you can trust me
I'm sticking around

I hope I remember the pirated kids movies, all the hair styles you had to do for me, the hiding in your basement from the heat, the hot chocolate, the lunches sitting on the floor of the hall

But there is one thing I am certain I will never forget and that is you being you Aqua
Thank you for being the winter to my spring
Thank you for being a forever friend

Thank you for being you

I'll always be here for you

Sometimes the writer inside puts too much faith in the words themselves,
their black and white march in file,
It forgets that adventure cannot be held to contract
and stories have a way of becoming more than just what's on the page

where there is a war, there is a story
and it is a twisted one, the way all real stories are
one I've yet to figure out

Counterintuitive,
the Mad Hatter was good and the Queen was bad
but Alice chose neither
to leave them all behind
to go back to the endless grey of growing up

I couldn't imagine a choice more wrong
than the choice to escape before she'd even tried to
understand Wonderland

Alice, dear, you can't outrun your own head
It is time to choose sides
Make an alliance,
It is time to stay and fight.