My family
Can make me roll off the couch laughing and make me smile when I’ve set up in my mind that I won’t
And they love me unconditionally
When I give them every reason possible
To stay the hell away from me
But sometimes
They wipe their feet on my dreams
Like a welcome mat
And walk their ***** shoes on what I’ve built and make me question why I created anything in the first place

If there is good and bad in the world
I’m ready for it to balance out

Im tired of making pro/con lists of reasons to stay alive

Society is powerful.
It is mash-up of ignorance and fear
Everyone assuming the other knows more
Terrified of being outed
But they all know nothing and they bounce their nothingness off of one another and call them “ideas”

We’ve become a people so lazy that we no longer need to think for ourselves
We read headlines & let the suits do the rest
Letting their bias become ours
Letting their agenda become ours
Who can speak for the people if the people don’t speak?
My glasses didn’t use to be this rose-colored
It’s funny what blood will do to things.

Society is powerful.
We all recognize we shouldn’t be ruled by it, so we go to bed cursing it
but the glimmer catches our eye just we drift off
And I wake up kissing the ring.

stop talking about what i'm doing wrong
stop telling me guys like it when i smile and when i keep my hair long
stop telling me guys don't like too much makeup but you should at least wear some
stop
stop talking
about me
you have a family to run
as you often interject in unrelated conversation
stop telling me you're sorry i haven't found the one
you might be someone's shadow
but i am the sun
i am hot and i am fuming
and i hold solar systems on my own

so often
we feel so deeply
that it feels like nothing at all
so i will pour some gasoline on a spark
just to feel some warmth
and i will set myself on fire
because you told me i was cold
so excuse me
if i keep my thoughts to myself
i don't have
any more matches to light for you

being called every name in the book
doesn't hurt me anymore
i'm just sorry
you keep rereading the same one

you were a creature of habit
and i was trying new things
it almost felt automatic
like i was waiting for a ring
on the phone
on my finger
i would have loved both
but everyone knows
creatures of habit don't
find new homes

feeling trapped but i am not confined
all of my fears inside my mind
can't scream, can't run, nowhere to hide
alarms are blaring, i'm dressed in white
i'm choking, i'm falling
i don't know why
the sky is blue, birds are singing
i'm treated well but my ears are still ringing
i'm running as far, as far as i can
from all that is good, from a stand-up man
still, nothing is wrong
but the alarms keep going
it could be a false alert but i won't risk not knowing

as i am looking back on all the bridges i've burned
and nothing has changed, not a lesson was learned
my heels are callused, my tears run dry
i tread onward
leaving behind
the birds and the sunshine and flowers that may bloom
for the fear i may **** them, i presume
so the seeds go unplanted and i'll sit in the rain
because it hurts way less
when you're prepared for the pain

i will never be tidy
you will never be
able to wrap me up
and stick a big red bow on me
i am crumpled tissue paper gifts:
i am a little belated
i will always have fly-aways
in my hair
and makeup
smudged under my eyes
i have always been a mess
and a little crazy
trying to clean me up
will only make it worse
you see,
i will always be friday night
and you,
will always be monday morning

i am scared to be vulnerable
because i am so, absolutely,
incredibly broken
and i don't know if i
can be put back together
quite yet
you see
i've got mountains to climb
but i am still having trouble
finding my shoes

I don't know how to hold onto people
Because I've never
Been held onto,
myself

I don't miss you
I miss how I felt with you
So in control of my own destiny
We laid our plans out like fresh concrete
But you didn't wait
For it to dry
And that's why there's a big footprint
In my sidewalk

They say, "absence makes the heart grow fonder"
And it's so, oh, so true.
My heart's not only growing fonder of you
But it's using the sunshine you gave me
And growing daisies and tulips and dandelions too

i'd rather play hard-to-get
than easy-to-replace

I guess
You could say you broke my heart
But thank you.
I was a little too naive then
I know now that
Words
Don't define feelings
Feelings
don't define relationships
And relationships don't define
You

let's just face it,
you're a wreck
but you can't say
a wreck
never changed
someone's life

i don't know how
living, breathing, soulful
human beings
can be
so
cruel
to others, just like them
we are all
here
we are all
fighting
why not
be here
and fight
together?

you are not
your insecurities
that resonate within your skull
late at night
you are
the 9 am pep talks
you give yourself
bright and early
in the morning

you offered me the stars but only gave me a telescope

we were
a tornado of feeling
of love
and of lust
but you
left me
lying there in the debris
while you
whisked away to your
next target

it makes me sad '***
i kinda knew
i kinda expected it

so this
this is heartbreak
feeling everything
and nothing

sometimes you just feel ugly: inside and out. and there's nothing you can do about it. no amount of makeup can mask your insecurity and no empty laughter can disguise it. you feel desperately and utterly helpless to the demons in your mind whispering, "you are not enough, you will never be enough." and your brain is yelling and your heart is thumping and your feet are running but you
are
smiling.
why?
because that's what you've always done.

you always asked me
not to break your heart
what kind of sick joke
was that?

i know we live in florida and there's not much change in the seasons but october came and with it, a slight breeze and i'd like to think that's what you are to me. you didn't chill me to the core but you provided a wave of relief. i didn't need someone to alter my being, just to hold my hand as i did it myself. and with that slight change in the weather, you changed me a little. so let's cuddle in your sweater until it hits midday, then we can go for a swim and as we peel off layers of clothing maybe let's peel off the masks we show to the world and be raw and reckless human beings.

i never thought i'd be the idiot,
the hopeless romantic
i should have know
you've swept too many girls off their feet
how could you possibly be strong enough
to carry me?

sometimes you just realize
forever means nothing
and good-byes determine everything
and words are empty
hearts are too
and love is a distraction
and happiness is irrational
and all hope is lost
and
nothing
is
eternal

you told me i was your home
and then you moved out
but you didn't even pack
you left your things lying all around
as if to tease me by saying,
"I'll be back"
we both know you won't
you already bought new things
and found someone else to unpack them with

if you're not with another girl
you're dreaming of one,
sleeping soundly
while i toss and turn
waiting for you to break my heart

it's funny how
a complete stranger noticed
i was more than just tired
before you did

i keep telling myself
i am strong
and i am over you.
but i see pictures of you and her and
it breaks me down each time
and i'm reminded how weak i am
but as i look back,
i can't remember one time you made me feel strong
that's what love is
isn't it?
strengthening each other and empowering one another?
so i guess it's good you left my weak and feeble soul

you're going to fail
and you're going to fail often
but pick yourself up, little girl
*** chipped teacups
still serve tea

it's when i realized i would never have closure and better yet, that i didn't need it, that i fully got over you. i don't need to know where you're going and with whom and i don't need to care. i don't need to feel happy for you and i don't need to resent you. you might have placed a fork in our road but it's my choice to lead my own way than to follow after you. you made a(lot of) mistake(s). but i'm done feeling responsible. i'm done beating myself up over them. i'm done being your shadow. i won't delete the pictures but i won't hang them on the wall. what happened happened but now i'm moving on. i'm not sorry and i don't regret anything. you won't make me bitter. you've shown me i have the capacity to love someone with my whole being. i will find someone who can handle that but until them i will pour that love into everyone around me: my mother, the mailman, even my lazy coworkers. you might have shattered my heart but i'm picking up the pieces and handing them out on the street corner. to truly love you must give yourself away and you taught me that when you left. you can't stop me from loving. i would consider myself lucky to be absolutely nothing. so thank you for bringing me to rock bottom because i'm met so many friends down here.

I guess it's kind of good you broke my heart. It scared me the way I would stop breathing so I could focus on your heartbeat.
3:39 am
Nov 1

you told me i would never find someone quite like you. you didn't understand that was the point.

all the "nevermind"s and "don't worry about it"s are what made our relationship crumble

what the **** is "the one"? is there even such ******* thing? there is billions of human capable of love but only one can love me? that's *******. there may be "the one"  for the narrow-minded. but i intend to find hundreds of ones; to explore every corner of the world. not for love, oh not for ****** love. but if i stay in the same small town there indeed may be only one for me. so potential lovers, look for me. '*** i sure as hell won't be looking for you. but i'll be ****** if i believe only one soul in the whole world is able to love me.

since i've met you, the content of my writing has declined. you would think you'd inspire rhythmic phrasings of every lovey-dovey, cliche feeling you give me. but when i'm with you i can barely compose a sentence, let alone a poem. so i'm sorry if i'm no hemingway; you just take my breath away.

i don't know how to not think about you.
you're dancing around in my subconscious
brushing my hair out of my eyes,
burying your face into my neck,
tracing my veins with your fingertips.
you prey on my weakness.
you're calling me baby
i can't keep my focus
i feel your hands running up and down my back
i'm breathing heavy.
i don't know how to not think about you.

you have to bandage the wounds on your own
but i will be there to kiss your scars

when i smell the salt in the air and hear the waves crashing on the shore i feel your presence. you are in every cloud in the sky and in every molecule of rushing water. you are the sun beating on my back. you speak through the kind passer-by waving hello. you are in my mother telling me to watch for jellyfish and my sister begging to play frisbee. you are the sand between my toes and the salt on my lips. you are everywhere. you are present. you are now.

i'm good without you.
you're free to see people you'd have to pay me to see
i'd like to say i've moved on
but i don't think i was ever there.
so be wild,
take lots of photos
prove to everyone that i mean nothing to you.
i'll be laughing alone in my room
at reruns of 90s tv shows.
*** i don't have to prove anything to anyone
i am happy
i am alone
and i am happy.

i don't know what i'm doing
it is bad bad bad
but it feels so
good good good
it's like old times
but old times are what made me like this
because that is what they are - old
you let us grow stale
i know i will look back on this
and scold myself on my stupidity
because you left me once
and you will leave me again
but the worst part is
i know it
and
i am allowing it

you got scared and you gave up.
and for that,
i can never go back to you.

her nail polish was always chipped
and her hair always knotted
she never knew what she wanted
but she loved the sky.
how she loved the sky.
the possibility of freedom
sent shivers down her spine.

she was not graceful although she always wanted to be. she could never ride the waves; she let them overtake her and carry her to shore.

it hurts the most when i see how happy you are. not because i don't want you to be; because i do. that is my only desire in the world. but it reminds me of how happy you once made me, and of the possibility that, maybe for a short time, i was your happiness too.

seeing you with her is like magic. you found your beauty and she loved your beast and you are riding off into the sunset with her. and i'm the step-sister- left behind to clean up your mess. (but i love you and i'm glad your fairy tale came true)

maybe in the past you would have given me butterflies but they have flown away. now you show me the sky and we sit in silence and gaze at the beauty of what could have been.