I had to fall
To lose it all
But in the end
It doesn't even matter

"I know it is weak of me to give up, I didn't want to; but its like drowning.

Nobody wishes to die, alone in a cold dark room. But there is only so long they can keep their head above the waves until they realize that no one is coming to save them, and they are never going to find their way back to shore. Sooner or later, the body gives up, it can't endure anymore. Maybe it could fight to suffer one or two moons, but for what point? The ending is the same. Its not that death suddenly becomes an attractive thought, Its just the notion of living is so much uglier.

I used to feel like i was drowning, ........... so i stopped trying to swim."

The monster in me is never satisfied, it constantly is tearing me apart and there is nothing I can do;  except of course keep ingesting the sickness that has already spread throughout my soul. I will forever need a substance to stay alive. Sobriety leads to these deafening screams in the pit of my stomach, this vice silences the screams, at least for a little while.