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the venom you spit
comes from the insecurities you hold
because someone didn't love you enough
to teach you to love yourself
and that you're enough
so now I pay the price
and I won't
“Can I kiss you?”
“Yes.”
She was never the same.
Ally Van Amstel Nov 2018
The night and I are not friends.
Yes it may hide my shadows,
but it forces Loneliness and I to cuddle up
in the most uncomfortable way.
Loneliness hogs the sheets, if you know what I mean.

I much prefer the day,
which reveals the shadows I’m already familiar with
and let’s me flirt with them at different angles,
depending on where the sun is playing.

No, the night and I aren’t friends
and so I hide from it quite literally under my covers
equipped with something bubbly
to numb the reminder that,
well,
I am alone under these covers.

You see in the day time it’s quite acceptable to walk alone
among the people.
But at night,
I mean it’s
Table for two?
Are you here alone?
A pretty girl like you should have a date to an event like this.

So rather than deal with the looks
I retreat to my bathtub
like it’s something to do.

Meanwhile I’m scrubbing away
the sins of the day
of the monster that roams my office hallways,
or so they tell me.

Really though,
you are alone.
And I am alone
in my bathtub.
No hiding
from the nakedness
after the bubbles dissipate.
Ally Van Amstel Sep 2018
The leaves have changed only once
since I left you.
From dead to living,
just like me.

Here they are,
ready to die again.
Just like me.
Ally Van Amstel Jul 2018
It’s been nine months
We could’ve had a baby in that time
Instead we had a divorce
Ally Van Amstel Jul 2018
I’m sorry I took a month to respond.
I’m late because I didn’t know what to say.
I say “I know this is still really painful”
but what I’m really trying to say is “I’m sorry.”

And by “I’m sorry” I mean
“I’ll never forgive myself for the pain I caused you.”
Caused us both.
And by "us both" I mean this was hard for me too
because I’m the one who had to make the decision.

And by make the decision I mean I’m the one
who had to take a real, hard look at us, you know?
I’m the one who had to tug the thread
and feel the unraveling in my hands,
and watching the unraveling in your eyes,
and do the unraveling of our life.
I’m the one who had to face what neither of us would.
We hadn’t had *** in months.
We were newly weds.

And I’m sorry we were newly weds.
We should’ve been newly broken up.
And what I mean is that
I shouldn’t have married you in the first place.
I shouldn’t have planned a wedding with you.
I shouldn’t have said yes.

And what I mean is that I felt the burning in my belly
that night you asked me to choose you as my knight,
and to assume the role as your queen.
And by burning in my belly I mean I knew
even then that my “yes” was tentative
and that it felt more like a “maybe”
and that maybe I wouldn’t go through with this at all.
But what do you say, other than an emphatic “yes,"
to the man who has loved you for a decade?

And what I mean to say is that the “yes” wasn’t mine.
It was theirs
and it was yours
and it was ours,
but it wasn’t mine.
What I had was “no.”
Because what do you say, other than an emphatic “no,”
to the man who has tried to love you for a decade?

So my “no” sounded a lot like a “yes” that night
and I’m sorry I got them confused.

And what I mean is that you deserved better.
Not someone better than me; that’s not what I mean.
What I mean is that you deserved courage.
You deserved all of the courage
I let hide behind the moon that night,
and all of the courage
I tucked toward the back of our closet those months,
and all of the courage
I swallowed in favour of a more palatable flavour that year.

And what I mean is that I should have said “no.”
That you deserved “no.”
And all of this is just to say that I ****** up,
and that maybe I was stuck in the Upside Down
where weakness looked like strength,
and absconding looked like leaving boldly,
and “no” looked like “yes,”
and “I do” sounded a whole lot like “forever”
didn’t it?

“To my love, forever”
I said.
Emphasis on the comma before “forever”
because I never could pass up an opportunity to be pretentious.
And what I mean is that
I’m sorry I got your ring engraved with “forever”
when “forever” meant more like a year-ish
and I’m sure as hell positive
that you haven’t felt like “my love,”
have you?

And so I’m sorry I said “forever”
when what I meant to say was “not ever.”
How freeing that would’ve been for us.
And by freeing I mean I could’ve saved us both from this mess.
From this d-i-v-o-r-c-e that we now have tattooed on our hearts.

And so I’m sorry I didn’t say all that I meant to say.
And that it’s too late to say any of it now,
because now we’re strangers,
but what I meant to say that day is that
I love you
and
I want to leave you.
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