Is it wrong that I hold onto the sadness.
I mean it's the one thing that makes me feel sane.
Is it wrong that I hold onto the pain.
When it's the only thing I'm used to at this point.
Is it wrong that I hold onto the feeling of being sad.
When it's the only thing that my body feels.
I hate feeling like this.
I hate feeling numb.
So I hold onto this pain so I can still feel something.
So I can know I'm still alive and I'm not just floating through my dead unconscious mind.
The pain reminds me that I'm not a zombie.
Hopefully one day I can let go of the pain and not rely on it to make me feel something
But I can finally feel something other than that pain.

Seeing her makes my heart jump
She knows me
She knows my story
She knows Alex and she understands Alex
Yet she knew Alexis before Alex
That name and this body get in the way of Alex
She knows Alex yet still only sees Alexis
She understands Alex but can't envision him like I do.
I can see him clearly because well I am him.
I can see my soon to be muscles.
My soon to be stomach.
My soon to be deeper voice.
My soon to be manly chest.
But...she only sees this body I have now.
All she sees is my feminine chest.
My non-manly stomach
And my high pitch voice.
So maybe one day she will know and see Alex.
Like I can.

I am a man regardless of what you say.
I am a man regardless of what I see in the mirror every day.
Alexis Elizabeth Glenn...
That name will be reserved for someone who wants it because it sure as hell isn't me.
Alexavier Edward Glenn...
That name I only hear in my head.
Yet when I turn that big one right it will be the only name coming from people's mouths.
When I turn eighteen my life will get better.
Alexis Elizabeth Glenn...
This name doesn't mean anything anymore.
Soon it will be a distant memory a horrible nightmare.
Alexavier Edward Glenn...
My future daydream.
Don't worry this isn't the death of Alexis.
It is the birth of Alexavier. Yet most of her will for out.
Yet she will always be part of me.
I won't cross out that name.
Alexis Elizabeth Glenn
From my memoir.
Alexis Elizabeth Glenn is the prologue for Alexavier Edward Glenn.

How can you tell me I'm not a man?
Because under neither my baggy shirts and ties I have two things attached to my chest that feel like they are crushing me.
Slowly leaking the air out of my lungs.
How can you say I'm not a man?
Because under my jeans and boxers I have the female anatomy.
How can you tell me I'm not a man?
When I know I am one.
Body parts do not define the person.
The person defines themselves.
I'm just as much of a man as the next man.
Regardless of what I have.