Wake up in a slight daze
like the hanging haze when something in the kitchen is burning
but it’s the fog of hangovers, dizzying post nights
flash cards of kisses, songs, and maybe tears

all kinds of parts of me ache with bruises and bite marks
there’s opened chasers, flung boots, bottles under the bed
I spot your red lipstick imprinted on ashed cigarettes and beer cans
and when I go take a ****, I discover your ******* in my pocket

I see your text, “Home. Had a blast. Miss ya! ***”
and I am no longer haunted by some vague lingering feeling
that somehow this was a ****** scene
instead of our raw rituals of love

Stick it with a pin
And I will yelp

Twist its arm
And I will cry for help

Strip it
And I will seek cover

Kick its groin
And I will double-over

Punch it
And I will bruise

Slice it
And I will ooze

Stomp it
And I will ache

Slam it
And I will break

Drown it
And I will choke

Burn it
And I will smoke

Skin it
And I will peel

Flog it
And I will kneel

Bite it
And I will heave

Kiss it
And I will leave.

You would figure
such a moment would be burned
into the paradigm of memory
when exactly did I learn
life was no cartoon?
well, it wasn’t one traumatic incident
rather a rushing current of events
a drunk uncle here, a screaming mom there
a belting boyfriend or toy-stealing sister
playmates picked dead last no matter
older boys bullying the younger
teachers who didn’t particularly bother
some cousins had yards and fathers
while others like me had neither
always more chores than fun
and no one ever explained how come
priests were less present and less kind
than the mexican street venders
there’s no specific scene to pause when I rewind
I honestly can’t remember.

It wasn’t at a funeral, by then
though I was young , I somehow knew
life was not all beautiful and true
that those adults who told me what to do
sobbed on dark beds and screamed at phones
then wiped their tears or ****** walls
before reentering the room
their eyes a little more like stone
while I pretended to un-see it all
and kept on playing with my toys, alone.

I make sure to punch my bf in the face
Just to let him know im not ******* around
Then i slink off to a corner
And pound the
Rest of the *****

Before they walk in to check on me
I backslap my tears from the darkness
" of course I'm ok, *******."
Then peer out into that song.

That song which beckons on the sea
Which makes me want to love and fight
I crunch a can , and squeeze a lung
And gasp An indeterindeterminate light

Longing, confused, and discontent
Imagining kisses that froze like snow
In the endless blizzard of the mind
It's time to let go

Time to find the cobbled path home
Beneath the glacial earth
To thaw the mangled fingers
Beside a stony hearth

The icicles will melt
The woods crackle and whir
The sun will slowly rise
The heart firmly endure

Sun, heat and sweat
and what remains but the bone
the indecipherable whisper on our ear
the bitter aftertaste of a potent drink
you show me your tattoos, i show you mine
you show me your scars, i show you my poems
you show me your breast, i show you my
sun, heat and sweat
the ghost of a body that has not yet died
pill after pill till the stomach is pumped
till the brain swims in endorphins, nirvana, heaven
till the night screams to be heard and the moans fade
till the bone-sun rises and clobbers our throbbing skulls
no more
for once i want to sleep by 10:00 pm sharp
for once i want to know what the birds sing
what maria callas means by "vissi d'arte"
for once i yearn to be silenced
by another's dream
dissolve in the radiance of a pure syllable
vanish beyond the confines of light