he shouldn't be with anyone
but he wants to be with her
there's something about her
everything
that simply makes him
stir like a baby
waking with a start
no further sleep forthcoming
clutching his pounding
heart
in mouth
abdominal mature caterpillars
flit and flutter his insides
until emotions spill
as tears

somehow
in a place known to be so warm
i feel myself left out
in the cold
growing old and weary
as the chill returns my heart to stone
always alone
always unknown
dreams like frozen glass
shatter in shards
slicing me apart
exsanguination of my soul
rivulets of my life trickle down my skin
staining the surface
not yet blackened
my fading mind returns to the thought
that no hope equals no fear
but without hope what is there
and why am i even here

there was no bat, man
just the manic
spasmodic
rain of gems
caught up as so many were
some still fell to the pit
you fingered them there
then flicked them away
it's always the night
despite
the light of day
quicker than a bullet
and sharper than a whip
the captain stood tall
as the ****** would fall
because the captain
was destined alone
on that ship
and above the knowing smile
were ever-saddened eyes
take a look
you my find yourself surprised
we were given a blessing
but the hand that gave now took
away
though we can always look
for the american robin
flying back
this way

best to have stayed at home
supplies all accounted for
beer
tequila
pizza
oh, something else to eat?
we’ll pick up some chinese food
and cigarettes
and some snacks
maybe watch a movie
before we close in tight
entwined with one another
for the night

she keeps him interested
aching heart arrested
this despairing break in momentum
a killing thing
breaking
control disappears
flooded by tears
as broken love flies around the room
aching soul caught in the gloom
desperate presentation
like it even matters
soiled with the beauty that evades
this is how life fades
challenged not to swallow
again
yet somehow desiring that
floor-bound convulsion
running running
away from here
foolish ideas won't carry anywhere
yet they brought him here

her anguish breaks my heart
cracks it open
as though a walnut were a pistachio
i bleed for her
i want to rush to her
reassure her that she’s just reached another step along the way
and not a destination
not the end of the line

my bittersweet baby
your path is still open
any obstruction is yours to sweep away
or wait for the soothing rains
to wash clear
my hand is here to steady you
as you negotiate this terrain
on the way toward your dream

it will draw your soul to itself
the eventuality clear
sometimes it seems so far away
but believe it’s always near

your halo of stains
blinds your eyes
no idea where you are
how you appear
repugnant
no understanding
no consideration
you bluster
in a dust cloud of disgust
where do you think you are
who do you think you are
don’t you look at me
with defiled disdain

poised without placement
building blocks work in your fingers
fumbling,
messing the tower
babel falls
you’ll never rebuild
you’ll never get it right
disgust at powers
at spiteful hours
in places where demons hover
will there be a way to recover
all you ever lost?
has the question crossed your mind…
this time?
same rime
no rhyme nor reason
once again another beastly season
do you see where the hate comes from?
why you’ll never be
what you thought you were…
can’t come back now
here i’m stuck in this molasses mess
where i get devoured
a little further every day

beastly nights
anxious unsettled mornings
drift slowly
into languid afternoons
grasping
holding
clutching the sunset
until dusk bites the fingers
can we not linger
longer
with each moment
we are stronger
the cool evening breeze
brings disease
within its gusts
hence why we must
bolster ourselves
and remain strong

they play their scratchies
lottery tickets and poker machines
like it’s their livelihood
but it’s that livelihood that’s dwindling away
you see them crushed
at the hands of chance
for the sake of an assumed better life
and maybe there is one out there
but it will never come from a ticket
it will never develop from luck
or any systems in place
it will just result in a forlorn look
upon life
there is more
always more

she doesn't want me to take my life
she'd rather put me in the ground herself
digging digging digging the hole
to fling my wretchedness into
cuz if you want something done right
you've gotta do it yourself
and she doesn't think i'd get it right
doesn't think i'd have the might
only when i'm out of sight is she happy
is she happy?
i doubt she even knows

push my face down into the dirt
scrape my skin make sure it hurts
drain my soul take it away
i doubt it'll fetch very much on ebay
end up tossing it anyway
amongst the trash
when you have your crash
and hear my voice haunt your dreams
find your stuffing busting your seams
there's no way if you don't make a way
nothing will come on a silver tray
you must decide whether you want it to be

expediency
not even a week
care became disdain
love became hate
despicable
hateful heat
my body beaten
down
down
down
the fool loses his mind
loses his time
and there’s nothing left inside
darkened well
down
down
down

safe and warm
such incredible warmth
though the safety is relative
what is safe anyway?
better not to think on it too much
just take the warmth
when that security blanket is offered
all so temporary
all so transient
how does one hold water in their hands
without it leaking
dripping away
where is the certainty

here you are
in a tug-o-war with your own hands
heart yanked this way and that
torn between what you wish for and what you don't desire
unfortunately the same thing...

abandoned by the one i love
forcing myself to let go
now all i hold is my heart in my hand
dripping crimson upon the snow

the oxygen is running low
i am starting to bend
like reading an emotional diary
pulled into the shallows
there's still enough water to drown in

i'm like eggshells under fragile ice
like eggshells under fragile ice
eggshells under fragile ice
cracked

you will emerge from this
like the butterfly from its cocoon
and when you flap your wings the waves will be felt
in the lakes upon the moon
sometimes we must endure to learn
and can’t expect the end too soon
but the day will come when your face will shine
like the sun overhead at noon

i'm full of scars
cuts and abrasions
cannulas and needles
they're sticking me
pushing my mind
to pharmaceutical limits
losing myself along the way
they have their agenda
and will have their say
but i know there's another way
engage the grey
there's more to this conspiracy
and i am the rover
send me to mars
better yet, venus
just me and a few
we'll send word if we want
you to join us

and now,
i'll insert myself
into this equation
i've waited so long
for my salvation
i'll be the y to your x
questions one won't forget
and the answer is hard to find
but the foundations are sound
any complication
can be worked around
answers burst like fireworks
so clear against the darkened sky
no reason to wonder why
when the light becomes solid
grasp it in your hand
and when the moment presents
it's time to take a stand
because this is the future
indeed it can be seen
yes this is the reason
for all that we've been
and been through

you’re so cold
you’ve forgotten how to love
don’t want any for yourself
thinking it has no worth
from rain to hail to hell and
back to raining
it’s draining
now that you’ve forgotten
crawl from the warren
where you bred
where your love lies dead
and sublimate
create anew to return to you
to the love that only others knew
discard the shards
with which you sharpen your words
allow the voice of longing to be
heard

life is about chances
he takes his from the form guide
some weeks are lean
and others, mean
but some he has all he needs
plus more besides
he bends his elbow along the way
though it never seems too much
more a perk of the job
than a crutch
dressed the same each day
just like the suits in town
the only difference being
he's doing it on his own

there’s nothing else i know
except hating on myself
and i’ll hate you as well
if you even dare to care

conflict the likes of which
you’ll never know
so stop before you pretend
and there can be no more amends

here’s the excuse you’ve waited for
to turn your tail and run
i’ll even give you a head start
before i hunt you down for fun

’cause you know i’ll sniff you out
just by the stench of your lies
and then rather than nestled in my arms
at my clawed hands you’ll cry

yes, here’s the excuse you’ve waited for
to turn your tail and run
i’ll even give you a head start
before i hunt you down for fun

from dawn until dusk
she is there
just behind my eyes
making house in my mind

perpetuate
create
driving nails and opening holes
breathing trembling guttural throaty growls
withheld
but only for so long
there will be a saturation point as always
it will build and build and build to bursting
it’s almost there
volcanic in its violent heat

when one hole closes
another opens
and it does so now
i am promptly swallowed up

pills
so many pills
and yet more to be found
a bottle of whiskey to wash them down
if only I had known
a 'cry for help'
don't patronise me
this was as real as real can be
it could happen again
the facility exists
it's only me
and whether i choose to resist
you all think you'll care
but it won't get you anywhere

this
prerogative
is mine alone
no need to gnash or moan
let me take my path
no interest in your ideal(s)
i alone
will find what is real
reality
maybe one day you will see
free yourself from the scales
measurements all meaningless
looking for the more
while walking away with less

please be still
let my heart be still
all these thoughts
just let them spill with the feelings
that bind me in chains
that unwind my brain
i could fall
fall for always
i can’t stand tall
stepping through ever more doorways
hula hoop headspins
level me again
and ******* what’s it all for
why do i keep at it anymore
yet another spin around
the parquet floor
losing more grip each time

you can keep me at arm's length if you want to
i'll be right here by your fingertips
and you can ignore what is and always has been
i'll still be waiting for you

this is truth decreed and arranged
though i've wandered my own paths of sorrow
ever more i know that this is what's real
and that nothing has or will change

so you can set me adrift if you want to
and i'll eke out an existence alone
but the message in this bottle won't fade
and one day it will return to you

i love your company
i love your energy
i love your presence
i love listening to you
i love talking to you
i love sharing with you

i love looking in your eyes
i love the warmth of your soul
i love the touch of your hand
i love holding you
i love comforting you
i love reassuring you

i love your aura
i love your attitude
i love your humour
i love stroking you
i love kissing you
and i love your smile

behind your doors
serenity
an extension of the soul within
i am at home there
comfort surrounds me

but i don’t know it anymore
all so foreign now
that space so lost to me
never to be found again

all lost
so very lost
my being stolen away
in the black night
only the darkness remains
my one true friend

you are a rainstorm
pouring from
my heart
my pores
my soul
you are a hailstorm
battering
my ducts
my spirit
my whole
you are the thunder
deafening
my voice
my thoughts
my dreams
you are the lightning
incinerate
my eyes
my love
my screams

and we said we'd lay together
in the rain
now i lie alone
in the rain
in the rain
washing away

i place my happiness
in your hands
i know it’s dangerous
but i do so anyway

loving despite everything
desperate to serve
trying to deserve

and i’ll die this way
in your hands
’til you cast my shell away
resigned

my everything
words spoken and meant
it’s just you
who you are
that holds my heart
the only time i’ve professed
words of love
in their purest form
despite my wishes and desires
it’s just you
who you are
that i adore

it's no good
and it's no use
when my expressions of love
are perceived as abuse
of liberty
and the right to decline
but you don't understand
you can be only mine

you told me so
and reassured
that our time would come
and our future assured
now i see
that i was mislead
you killed what's inside
soon one will be dead

there's no path left to take
from this protracted anthesis
nothing left to break
only ill-fitting pieces
as i scrabble to gather them
i know it's no use
the adhesion is lost
and can't be reproduced

love lives in the dark
that's where it grows
it breathes and twists
until it dawns upon your horizon
you shield your eyes
dazzled by the brightness
perplexed and uncertain
wondering at the origin
love shadows you
attached in ways you cannot see
observe it for some clarity
on your own movements
just observe
without distraction

i forced myself
to turn away
thinking you were gone
torturing myself
in the process
until finally i allowed myself a backward glance
and saw that you were still there
but i’d taken too many steps
i was at a loss
and could have rent myself in two
leaving you the pieces
that belonged always to you
momentarily i was fooled
into thinking you may have some use for them

i am life’s casualty
send the ambulance away
i didn’t ******* call you
i never even knew you
the buck stops here
this is where the blame shall lay
keep me kerbside warm
and let me fade away

he longs to hold her
to stroke her hair
as some measure of comfort
to walk with her
down by the water
and listen if she wishes to speak
or share the quiet if she doesn’t
he longs to be there
but feels so far away

i am an island
isolated
this errant rock the cause
it’s a need
lest else i bleed
dripping nightmares
like tears and sweat
regrets not quantifiable
loss is gain
break the plane
and stay away

luxuriate
my lovely
…lovely
one
dip in the hot pool
soften the skin
ease
exfoliate
murmur within
deep within
my lovely
…lovely
one

the hole is worn
like a poor jigsaw wielder
aching at the job
now rubbed smooth
friction or gap filler or some such
permanent marking pens
stain the perimeter
is he here to clean
gleam
ream
the in-between
particle board chip breaking
desperate aching
past pieces keep his mind together
even as he spills
his pills dropping to the floor
no-one here
no-one knowing
no return

you welcome me
encouragement to walk through the tunnel
into the light
i can't see the source - it's too bright
then i hear that tell-tale sound
metal upon metal
scraping, squealing
and maybe one day
i won't jump out of the way
i won't just get grazed
but let the wheels grind over me
where is the light now?
not even a pinpoint
no shadows cast
even they can't last forever

nothing organic
barely human
the organs duly report (what they’re told)
disgust
nothing could be more free range
than a chemtrail

disinformation camps
with fences unseen
no concentration
in this wealth of the obscene
buried heads
scratching for the next thing

nowhere to hide
from this deathly poison
of ignorance
of intent
of idiocy

i’ll kiss your nose
i’ll **** your toes
my love still grows
even though i’m banished

i’ll take your hand
i’ll understand
and place no demands
even though i’m famished

fulfil your heart
it’s both end and start
fulfil your heart
that one can’t outsmart

in this union
there is communion
and our reunion
is all i’m seeking

there’s always a choice
just use your voice
and tune your ears
to the words i’m speaking

fulfil your heart
it’s both end and start
fulfil your heart
that one can’t outsmart

i watch a man's body expire
i want to be inside him
i want to feel his spirit shaking free
blocking out the customary wailing from others present
i try to focus on his destination
wishing to sense with a sense
outside of the five
moving beyond
through clouds or
stargates or
complete dimensions
to places where dimensions don't exist
where measurements don't exist
there's no sadness
just... release

(who said anything about dying?)

once so pale and lovely
you’ve charred yourself so needlessly
why are you doing this
what are you trying to achieve

your insistence upon beauty
is no more than fallacy
why are you doing this
who do you choose to believe

there’s no other could love you
quite the same
there’s no other who’d love you
just the same
just the same

tongue ripped out
she’ll keep that for herself
no recourse left now
in this empty cleft
pass away
explanation time
there’ll be no bother nor purpose
and silence is golden
his words too much
fuelled and terrifying
the truth is always a source of fear
of that there is no denying
so break down opportunity
pass away
confusion time
pass away

there are paths

that we know

with our familiarity

we set off surefooted

toward our known destination

then as dusk settles in

we begin to doubt

to wonder

the markers and signposts

appear to have shifted

perhaps tampered with

and our assurance dwindles

replaced by confusion

unsettling in the fog

questions arise to which we believed

we already had the answers

and what was known becomes lost

along with

our selves

peg peg
stake steak
the meat is lean
sheared off fine
oh just fine
the joy in repetition
of being in complete
submission
to the power
to the strength
peg again and
peg some more
plot out this plot
show me what you’ve got
you’re at the helm
as i’m in heav’n
the course will be true
whilst you’re in command

consumed
sidetracked by cleanliness
you were
museum closes in half an hour
picture seat
picture seat
there you sat

subsumed
distract your mental mess
go there
sometimes the rain is just a shower
picture seat
picture seat
where you sat

pieces of nothing
deadly wings
a desperate pleading
the pain of the sting

an assumption of benefit
causal distress
the pieces don’t fit
end up with less

potency of nightmare
tell-tale tang of poison
another empty stare
all lost all gone

perched
poised
placed upon pillows
and cushions
pushing
probing
penetrating places
internal and eternal

raised
raising
raving so ravenous
and feverish
rendezvous
recollected
remembering rapes
communal and consensual

telegraphic
telepathic
tell-tale tortures
and trials
tender
talismanic
treasured in totality
bitter and beloved

**** the cutesy ****
i want you to cry
i want you to see the life
that tears the rest of us apart
to break down the façade
and see what’s really real
feel what you really feel
and let yourself fall apart
your molten components
will somehow reassemble
and you’ll feel it again
and again
and again

it’s all that there is
we just paint our colours on top
so we can smile
and get on with things
things that don’t matter
things that aren’t real
that are gone in a moment
like a ******* high
but we break ourselves for them
ever crawl toward them
all the while denying
what is there and so real

she took him there
as soon as she could drag him away
just a spell
now a season in hell
has broken him
for her it’s joy
so far apart
residency of the heart

discharge
with dishonour
respite still
a chance to recharge
break away
run away
and find the truth
hour by hour
the only way
the only chance
for happiness