i plan my own
funeral
in my free
time

hearing your name used to bring me
joy
and
excitement

now
it’s makes me
sick
to my
stomach

my mom thinks it’s a hickey on my neck
and i’d rather her think that
than know it’s from your fingers
clamping my throat shut
with rage

is he everything you’ve ever dreamed of.
do you let him push you down
and hold his foot
to your throat,
like i did.
do you let him keep you hidden,
in the darkness of his sheets.
do you like when he says
you’ll never be enough.
do you let him rip your skin off,
until you’re nothing but
muscle and bones.
do you let him abuse you,
the way i used to.
because if you do ...
one day you will run out of hair to pull out,
and blood for him to drain
just like i did.
and you will wake up alone.
and it will be your fault,
for running dry.
and he’ll already be on the hunt
for his next supper.

i have anger
coursing through my veins
the way
you have lies running off your *******, snake tongue...
constantly

my mom is fighting for her life
and i can’t seem to find a reason
to live

there’s a buzz in my head that i can’t get rid of
and i think the only explanation is that the wires are finally shorting out.
and soon enough
i’ll be nothing but static
that everyone flips away from

let them search the scars on your body
and sympathize
how utterly horrifying it is
for them to see all these young children
making such drastic decisions
and ruining their bodies
as they sip their 4th glass of wine
and puff their Marlboro lights

i’m sorry
to my parents
if you’re reading this

heavy shoes
big jacket
thick jeans
it’s not cold out
but i need to make
weight

no matter how many times
you tell the world you despise me..
i still believe you
every time you tell me you love me
once our clothes are scattered
on your bedroom floor

you showed up in my recent texts

and i don’t know if i’m more scared of
getting close to you again
or losing you again

the possibilities are

you pop in my head
and my heart is in my
stomach
and my stomach is in my
throat

you were my
safe place

that wasn’t really
safe
at all

we rock back and forth
and when i look into your eyes
i see my reflection
and regret

no matter how many times
your thorns rip through my flesh
i will still look into your eyes
and only see the beautiful rose petals

i will fill this book with
words
far too true
to be said out loud

i’ve been dreaming about you
lately
and i am afraid..
am i falling backwards again?

i lay in bed at night
and think of any possible way
i could get you back

my heart skips 3 beats
when i see the way you look at me
when you first walk through the door
after a long day of living

you broke me into so many
pieces
some
so damaged
even he can’t fix them

trying to fix yourself
then falling in love
is like putting out a fire
and tossing a match on the hot coals
it may not ignite
it may start a forest fire

no one
will remember you
& no one
will forget you
no one
will approve
nor will anyone
disapprove
no one
will care

the funny thing about this life
is that
no one
will live to tell the story
so…
**** it

we know each others
schedules
family
lives

but
we don’t know
eachother
anymore

do you
take your mind?

i do
not have much of a
choice

as i lay by your side
skin touching skin
i can’t help but flood my mind
with truths of the past
where i was so much more
than just a text at 3am

“don’t you miss me?..”
i cry
knowing that the answer
is not in my favor

i’m scared
of
li(o)ving

i just don’t understand
how someone can take so much love
and not know how to give it away

i hope you never put anyone else through what you put me through...
i wouldn’t wish that on my worst enemy.

i wonder
if the sky watches me
cry into wrinkled linen
all night

i’ve been absent for 19 years
and
no one
has put up a
missing persons sign

she closed her eyes
and
the world was dark
she opened her eyes
and
the world was darker

it’s unnattractice to be insecure
but don’t get too confident
or their ego will then melt
and they will still leave you