ground zero
i become aware of boundaries
i am a dog chasing cars
i sing your voicemail to sleep
there are no surgeon general warnings
to tell me that
the objects in the mirror
are more depressed than they appear
so how do i tell you
that there are parts of my life
that move slower
without you in them?
or that i look for you every day
in emails & unanswered calls
in the sunrises
i didn't choose to be awake to watch
that i sometimes still stare at doorways hoping you would walk through them
   *stage 1 you tell your new lover you've got a splinter and they pull the sound of your body falling asleep on mine out of your fingertip
   stage 2 your new lover says something at dinner that makes you choke so they call 911 & the paramedics do the hymleich not knowing you would ***** our promises all over the the restaurant
   stage 3 your new lover surprises you by cleaning the house & washes the shirt you kept next to the bed, not knowing it was the last thing you had that smelled like me
after
people always ask
what was loving her like?
after a really long silence
i just say
"it must be nice"
but i never say
it's watching paint dry
i never say
it's a window seat in hell
i don't tell anyone
about the dreams
where i am reading you
bedtime stories
each one is a different way you die
& every time i can never save you
dreams where what i think
are angels in my bedroom
are just homeless versions
of myself you never loved
i have dreams
where i pay someone to shoot me
just to see if you would cry
just to see
if you would cradle my body
i don't tell people
that loving you is like
playing piano
for someone who can't hear
that it's hitting repeat
on my favorite song
& forgetting the words
every time it starts over
that it's finding out
there's no milk after you already
poured yourself a bowl of cereal
it's getting locked in the dark
& being told to
look on the bright side
that loving you is like
being reminded of what it felt like
the first time
you accidentally let go
of a balloon as a child
it's drowning without the water
it's the feeling you get
when you start to dance
& the song ends

Those eyes staring back at me,
I've stared them down before.
One quick glance and then you had me
Knocking at your door.

I like your smile, I love your touch
And oh I hope it
Ain't too much,
To tell you what's
Always on my mind.

I can't think with no body else to be,
And I hope you want nobody else than me.

And when I look your way,
I do so with restraint.
One day when I'll look at you,
You'll look back at me.

I'll see that smile I love so much,
And feel the softness of your touch.
A day that just can't come soon enough.

And I will wait for that one day to come.
And I will wait for me to be that one.

Say, say you're with me.
Just, give me a sign.
If, I say I love you.
Will, you be mine?

Those eyes staring back at me,
I've stared them down before.
One quick glance and then you had me
Knocking at your door.

I like your smile, I love your touch
And oh I hope it
Ain't too much,
To tell you what's
Always on my mind.

And when I look your way,
I do so with restraint.
One day when I'll look at you,
You'll look back at me.

I'll see that smile I love so much,
And feel the softness of your touch.
A day that just can't come soon enough.

I can't think with no body else to be,
And I hope you want nobody else than me.

And I will wait for that one day to come.
And I will wait for me to be that one.

You've made your home
Squeezed, tightly, between my lungs
That are filled with
The smell of you.
You remain, unspoiled,
In my stomach
Floating, happily,
With the butterflies you bought me.
And you hide in the eyes
That scanned every inch of you
While filled with desire.
Here you'll stay,
Tucked away in my nostalgia.

I reek of you.
You coat
every
inch of
dead
skin cell
my layers hold.

I brush my teeth
to take away
your breath from
mine.
I can't taste
your salty lips,
your cigarette tongue.
My mouth is
mint.

I step into the shower.
Thin,
sharp
knives
rain on my body,
stabbing.
slicing,
shredding
your touch.
You no longer
hold me in your arms.
You no longer
caress me.

I immerse my scalp in
the pricking pour
of needles.
Scalding,
hot
blood
burns my face.
Your hands are
gone
from my cheeks.
Your lips
have found
the company
of another.

I put
a razor
to my leg,
and
shave away
your legs
from
intertwining with
mine.
I sleep alone.

I douse my hair
with
acid shampoo
that burns
away
your strong hands,
your gentle touch.
You don't love me.

I pull
open
the shower curtain.
I am clean.