I was in a nightclub

I saw under wears
and people drinking from tiny glasses.

I saw no food and only drinks
but people gets thirstier after each one.

I saw laughters and energy
but no smiles or warm hugs.

I saw love,
but towards another's body.

I was in a nightclub
and it was not where I want to be.

There we were in three
But you should've seen me
I was one in that crowded hallway
I was one when we walk down State street
I was one when I saw him
The nutcracker.

I took him from the Christmas tree.
He looked funny.
Or scary.
White hair, wide teeth
What else-

He wears the red coat,
Looks like an English soldier
Looks proud, strong
Bold, brave, never wrong

Did he know I can snap him in two
Smash him to broken, wooden, pieces
Throw him out my window to
see him crumble, helpless, falling

But why should I?
He's my sweet tiny darling.

It’s too hot in here don’t you see,
Turn the lights off please,
Heat from the lamp is killing me,
I try not to be a tease
I promise.

Hmm, can I sit on your bed?
Oh honey you look so afraid
Come,
Help me take my jacket off,
-Good.

Now you see my red satin dress
Don’t I have excellent taste?
Come I’ll let you have it
Take my dress off of me,
-Excellent.

Do you like what you see?
You look hungry
Just,
Rip my purple bra off of me,
-Wonderful.

Wait, what?
Are you stopping?

Took off my jacket,my dress
my last piece of lingerie
Now you are spaced out
Just staring at me

Why did you stop peeling?
There’s more beneath my skin,
There’s my heart, my feelings
My soul and my brain

When I close my eyes hard
I can feel it again,
Your cheeks against my eyelids
And I’m blinded by your skin.

Once again we’re riding that waves
On our way back from the island of women
Where a woman like me was loved
By your playful smiles, cheeky laugh
And your sweet soft stares.

I miss your warmth, your puffy fingers
Swolen and big against mine
I want those fingers to touch my face and hold me,
Watch my tears and wipe them dry.

But I watched you bring those fingers
thousands of miles away
On that plane with a red maple leaf
I shed my tears and let them dry.

I saw that crinkle
in her eyes
When she smiles
with a smile
that is meant to
make me smile.

I could tell you all the things I see in Budapest,
but nothing I see is bigger than myself.
but let me try, I'll take you into my world,
this place I temporarily call home,
this place where my see ya, is goodbye
but their Czia (see ya) means hi.

That time when I walked down Rakoczi,
with the awkward smiles they gave me,
it must be the sneakers I wear,
or the hijab on my head,
but I will never know,
because I do not speak their language.

That time when I took the train to Deak Franc
where they have stations with yellow lamps,
and every letter has dots and dashes,
how was I to know tickets should be validated,
well, my existence here wasn't.

That time when I thought rolled up pillows
are quilt,
and that time when I close up
from people without guilt.
I tried, smiled once smiled twice,
smiled the third time but nothing- still closed.

That time when I found the vegan Goulash,
while I was trying to find the vegan Goulash,
Paid 4 dollars in a 4 star cafe,
But she smiled at me just the same,
Although I was thrifty and left them none.

One day,
when we're alone
I will tell you
What I've felt, thought and endured
in those days when
we were with each other
but never together

One day,
when it will all be
too late.

I miss me. The old me when me was just me. There was no one else between me and myself. No one to hold me down, no relationships to ship me further apart from myself. Like America on the 4th of July, I was a sovereign entity, making rules for myself and following rules made by myself.

I lived in the winter
Where its cold outside
And colder inside

So I ran to the safety of
Shahira’s couch
My desk became my home
And my house became a
hole in my wallet

I am dysfunctional
But you dysfunction me
To the point of destruction

I tried to be nice, be kind
As what humans do
But you’re not human
You must be a martian

Didn’t they teach you loyalty in Mars?
Didn’t they teach you that
knifing someone could ****?

Not sure what your diet is,
But here on Earth,
We don’t eat our friends

I was at a party of 30,
but there was only me.

This girl who fears,
She fears what had happened,
what will, and what won't.

This girl who fears,
She looks at the rain, sees thunder,
Looks at the sun, sees fire.

This girl she carries,
Mountains the weight of her hair,
Her body wounded, with no scars.

This girl she resides,
With her companion, they called shadow,
Who eats up her light, and leave the poor girl hollow.,

This is a letter,
Which I cannot write you.

Last night I had a dream of us in the mountains,
You showed me your arrows,
And I saw your window,
A glimpse of your life, which you never show.

That one brief moment,
When you let me into your life
And I saw the man that you are
Warm sweet and right.

I like that you smile,
I love that you love,
And I know that no doors would open for us,

Because I belong to him,
And you belong to her.
But the thing that we had
I could never describe.

Your words break me like porcelain heating on fire. No warnings, slowly with certainty.
My fainting heart beats with remorse over what I have done and will do.
Would my soul sit up when the time comes?
Will I die a happy death or would the reaper reap me off of my relentless body?

When they ask me what it is,
I will tell them,
It is a story of the Sun and the Moon.

Where the Sun and the Moon
does not meet ;
alone but together.

Where the Sun is big and the Moon ;
tiny
and the Sun shines on the Moon
lavishly

When they ask me what it is,
I will tell them,
You're my Sun
and I, the lesser Moon.

There was something peculiar about the arrangement of organs on her face. Her eyes, for instance is disproportionate to her lips. And at the bottom of those were strange dark lines, her eye sockets hollow, casting shadow on that emptiness under her eyes. Her eyebrows are half made, two half arches across her forehead. It was as if there were created with hesitation. And thats exactly what her life is. A hesitation.

From where I stand, I understand. What it feels like to feel something but not knowing what it is. It's just a feeling, but yet so compelling. It's somewhat disturbing, but I crave for this feeling.
This feeling is like a bird. It's there, perched on your mind, beautifully. The second you walked, closer, it flew away, and you don't get to choose your next meeting. It chooses you. So, you sat there, waiting. And waiting.