What I had, is what I did not have.
Perhaps what my heart should have wanted,
each love song, a curse and blaze.
That singes and burns into my heart
I hear you, hitting me,
forging me,
into a statue forever stuck in emotional wanting.

Turn off the lights,
hide my flaws,
just love me in the dark.

My face in stillness,
threads a shroud of silence.
My skin lightens, my blood thus fades,
it burns and cooks my soul alive.
As it weeps and wallows in the agony,
slow un-coming unforgiving death
slow slow slow death
what a joke of agony
life plays
as its bow plays the tune of my pain
forever linked, forever intwined with your death. .
a t̶u̶n̶e̶ that never ends . . .

I hear your voice,
  nagging "put it back". . .
I hear your voice
  saying "it'll be okay". . .
I hear you everyday,
  am I crazed & deranged?
I just want to feel your love and see your face,
   for a moment in time,
      when you are not gone.

Truth is but fabrications,
a figment of inspiration.
I can't compare life or death,
Nor the sound of your breath.

Time goes by, and seasons change
No one sees you walking down the street,
Its fall but flowers bloom without leaves.
and here I sit and wonder what is truth?

Eyes closed I learn to paint,
In solidarity I paint your soul,
Brighter with every stroke,
My painting is monotonous,
for it only paints you.

Everyone around me dances,
I ask myself everyday if I have gone insane.
With a smile on my face,
What is truth? What is lie?
All I know is you. . .

Nobody sees me,
but I see you.
truth rejects me,
Fantasy to me is real,
For its all I see, and that Fantasy is you.

Reality is reductive,
  mundane tasks,
      mundane days,
         wishing for the best to come.

Wanting what we can't have,
               Craving what is wrong,
                     Forgetting what we have,

over and over again,
   Reality is  ░r░e░d░u░c░t░i░v░e░

Tonight we dance our morbid dance,
through whips, bruises and chains,
plunge head first into dark temptations,
we navigate this tempestuous sea.
When sanity wanes, this chase leads to an end,
lost in this chained rhythm, of two lustful souls yearning for love.
But forever in pain.

Just know when you are lost
   and have nowhere to go;
       when you whisper,
and not even the echo rings.
      you will feel my love;
  feel my skin, feel my touch.
        and hear back;
   I'm here.

-Here

The hardest thing,
  is opening your heart again,
     & seeing everything that is wrong with loving.
If I call; its because I miss your voice.
   If I send a text; its because I care
      If I want to be close; don't push me away. . .
for it makes me think I am not good enough.
     I feel stupid when I cry,
           I feel alone, in this cold world.

Raindrops on my sea,
Let me float amongst his arms,
Deaths sweet lullaby

Forgive me,
I am a cheater, a breaker of vows, a breaker of love.
   through ardent passion,
     I found a thrill,
       no a dream,
         that I call my own,
             he smiles,
                and I forsake you,
                     he speaks,
                        and I fall to my knees,
                           he touches me,
                             and I fail you
forgive me,
  hypocrisy,
     un-pure, yellow, tainted I pray to you. . .
        and through his kiss ,
            I 𝐛𝐞𝐭𝐫𝐚𝐲 you.

What a strange desire to drown,
   for this loves a sinking boat,
      pull me deep in purple and blue hues,
        the weight of my life in your waves,
           as I toss and I turn below the stars,
            constellations draw pictures of your face,
                listless, dark, dreary, drowning death
                       under your star, under your waves,
                              in this strange fascination
                                      to drown until we meet again.

I curse the mockingbird,
  that sings to mock me. . .
I curse his song,
  that brings him joy and happiness. . .
Insuperable, ugly, disgusting song. . .
  mocks me for my loneliness
I curse the mocking bird and his mate. . .
   that laugh at me as they mate
I curse the mockingbird and its happiness. . .
   for in it, I see a past long gone with no future.

I curse myself
   for in my song
        I lost you
          I am
         αℓσηє

Solitude becomes a choir,
  An illuminating echo that turns into a horrid cacophony.
        Harsh reminder of a dreamer who could not dream,
                    A painter who could not paint . . .  
                          A singer who could not sing . . .
                                Come and calm this song, Come and save me,
                                     From this anxiety, that steals the value of my life.  
______________
Fireworks explode, they color your eyes.
     Do not sing, do not paint, do not dream, simply write.

Artistry cannot erase desire.
   But it can fuel your fire and desire.

Let each stroke, give you sensations.
   Of my hand on yours, a state of warmth and delight.

Nonetheless when you suffer,
      And beg for “HELP!” know.
                I am never.
                         -🄵🄰🅁

Red, White , Blue and even purple too!
    The most sensational being,
                 on warm summer day.
                    Frigid, Cool and collected,
                         Beautiful until you melt
                  your insides show, molt and transform into a monstrosity
                                       -🅿🅾🅿🆂🅸🅲🅻🅴

Beautiful sunlight,
  and sunrays which ooze life,
      a tranquil reminder of another day,
          another day I wished for it all to end.
               Beautiful Moonlight,
                   whose rays you can not escape,
                      a constant reminder of my jealousy and hate.
                          another day I looked towards the stars,
                           only to outline your smile so intoxicating and bright.

So I said to the Moon, The Sun and the Stars
      " Why do you mock me?"
               then came the reply through the rain,
                   each drop , never alone
                        a mocking reminder
                            I am αʅσɳҽ. . .

This wave of emotions,
that has invaded with savory harmony of unbreathable anxiety.
Mornings to nights, nights faded. . .
sorrows well achieved and joys badly lived.
Be still my wounded heart,
as it pulls me in.

I look at the clock,
     waiting for you to get home.
I speak,
      only to be cut off.
You look at me and sigh. . .
     You are always right. . .
So please get your things and go. . .
     my heart pleads no, but my mind knows
there is no love, no warmth
     and that's okay,
        I'll be okay. . .

"you can be anything"-mama said
       But I couldn't, I wanted to be his
            Death took him from me
                 -𝚌𝚛𝚞𝚎𝚕 𝚒𝚛𝚘𝚗𝚢

Blue, iridescent hues of oceanic blue.
Green, startling twinkles of fauna,
Brown, strong mountains of emotions,
Black, losing my self in your abyss.

Such beautiful e̶y̶e̶s̶, that see me.
Within their reflections, I see myself
lost, broken, damaged, quick to fall into their spell.

I am here in your eyes,
look at me, hear me, feel me,
better yet forget me
I am like you. . .
we are one in the same; one of many
we are nameless, due to our sameness
sparks, comets, eruptions, cosmic clouds fill the iris.
and yet we are all the same,
filled with darkness, filled with death,
filled with sadness
lost lovers, lost in the cosmic sea unaware,
of our loss of joy, loss of love , loss of fire
ardent passion filled flame lost to ashes,
we are dreamers, dreaming of the beyond,
dreaming of the cosmos, dreaming of love lost
dreaming. . . dreaming . . . dreaming. .
until the day finds us,
   time does not stop, nor is it forgiving.
       yet we cling to night, to our cosmic dreams,
as well fall into walls of depravity,
   on the foggy shores of life,
        on the train that never reaches the station,
we become fixtures, tied to our dreams,
   tied to the past we are s̶h̶a̶d̶o̶w̶s̶ ̶n̶o̶t̶ ̶l̶i̶v̶i̶n̶g̶
.

𝒞𝒶𝓃 𝓎𝑜𝓊 𝒽𝑒𝒶𝓇 𝓉𝒽𝑒 𝑒𝒸𝒽𝑜?
𝓎𝑜𝓊𝓇 𝓋𝑜𝒾𝒸𝑒 𝑒𝒸𝒽𝑜'𝓈 𝒾𝓃 𝓂𝑒. . .
𝓸𝓷𝓮 𝓿𝓸𝓲𝓬𝓮 𝓪𝓵𝓸𝓷𝓮
   𝓾𝓷𝓭𝓲𝓼𝓽𝓾𝓻𝓫𝓮𝓭
         𝔂𝓸𝓾𝓻 𝓿𝓸𝓲𝓬𝓮 𝓲𝓼 𝓪𝓵𝓵 𝓸𝓯 𝓶𝓮

I hold myself at night,
“I do”. . .  distant echoes, awake at night at your side.
The smell of linen, your snores so distant and yet so close.
I hate myself for dreaming. . .
Of someone coming to dance with me,
Even though they hate dancing only because
it's with me and no one else.
I hate myself for dreaming. . .
Knowing it's not you,
“I do” distant echoes, young lovers. . .
Formerly in love

Every kiss you make,
  memories will cross your mind,
      and you will feel my lips once more.
         Forever tied in unyielding song forever on repeat.

Another coffee, for the grind.
We are but cogs, empty minded.
Bags of rotting flesh, empty hearted.
Trapped in routine, stuck in conformity,
our light dims, no fanfare, no applause,
just an echo of life's callous law.

I saw a strange character in the mirror tonight,
  he smiled at me, rays of sunshine that illuminated his song.
       Like a yellow cannery, impure, happy, small but strong.
          I saw a strange character in the mirror tonight,
                 I wish I could say it was . . . 𝗺𝗲

Sweet musky scents,
Tingle my red runny nose from the cool desert air.
   Two tattered pairs of converse high tops intertwined,
       feet on the dash of your rust bucket.
          Lana on the speakers, the smell of **** and cologne,
              so close and so far,
                 we were two lines never meant to intersect.
cruel fate,
    cruel memories,
         I will always love you, yet you can not say the same. . .

--------------------->
--------------------->

we are parallel lines, never meant to intersect,
     longing, hoping, to meet in another life.

NAN
You write about heartbreak, then comedy.
Opening up, only to close yourself in fear.
You write about happiness, then about losing and longing.
As you lie and try to convince yourself, erasing your desire.

ADP
In those early morning hours, I create my own galaxy.
A place free of fear, free of losing, free of loving.
For every moment of longing becomes a star,
tainting my perfect cosmos with memories.

NAN
You create imaginations, mechanisms of coping.
You build your walls high, they make me want to climb it.
You build your galaxy, full of gloom and curiosity,
   a mysterious code I want to decipher.

ADP
Two kids lay in the stars, dreaming.
As if dreams could erase hunger.
Two adults lay in the stars, loving.
As if love could stop time.
Two souls become one,
Until two becomes one . . forever alone.
All that is left is broken, ugly and spiteful what is there to decipher ?

NAN
I want to see . . .
   Each window past, present and now.
I want to see. . .
   The happiness that oozes from your lips.
I want to see. . .
   The dark and unrelenting sea of your depression.
I want to smell. . .
   perfumes, coffee on your breath, and your 1 am scent.
I want to feel. . .
   the pain in your heart and the pulse of its song.

I want you.

- NAN & A Dead Poet ✌

Have you ever laid on the floor, as you stared at the cosmos of paranoia and depression of your creation thrusting you into damnation?
You are quick to give advice (pre-judgement),
but unless you licked the patch,
    to cover the constant itch that burns in your heart,
       you have no clue. . .
of the sea of solitude that ever wraps you, within its cursed cradle,
  the song of longing as each day passes, grows louder,
      the voices in your head that counsel you,
           the feeling of elation as the demons take you. . .
you have no clue. . .
   no ******* clue. . .
you are quick to judge. . .
      as I die living. . . in a state of constant elation.

Loving you is my curse,
    and the gift from the cosmos,
      that weave your face, your being, your heat, amongst the stars.

Eyes that meet as we pass one another,
only our footsteps on the concrete,
silent. . . strangers. . .
Yet an ardent eruption of feelings,
A smoke filled aging bar,
two bodies sweat filled, two souls became one.
Don't ask more of me. . .
for you already know the answer. . .
our time has passed, until we meet in another life. . .
my dear old flame.

When you lost your hair; you got angry.
   When you lost time; you rushed.
       When your strength left; you shut down.
           When I pushed; you pulled.
              When I talked; you yelled.
                 When I asked; you said " you don't understand"
I was a child,
       young, dumb, but honest.
           I loved you,
                I love you,
                   even if it breaks me.
                       I will love you.

Hospital beeps turn into Adagio op.11,
As you close your eyes, hoping it masks the pain.
A white, purple-faced babe screams, covered in his mother's fluids,
flashes
A boy plays with a toy car, his mother screams, and his father punches things.
flashes
A boy meets a girl, and they fall in love, first heartbreak.
flashes
Autumn leaves of orange, red, and yellow in Hughes turn brown as they fall and decay.
flashes
You sit on the edge of your bed, holding yourself, how she held you, crying, pleading, for every moment you could have had, you did not make an effort to see your mother
flashes
your marriage falls apart, the bills pile up, and you die inside
flashes
you gaze in the mirror, and time is not kind, wrinkles stare back, your hair recedes, and you're alone, old, beaten, broken
flashes
now you lay dying contemplating your life, contemplating each word and each fight, as you pushed those you loved away
your life flashes before you, but it is too late,
time does not forgive,
it waits for no one,
and it is gone in a flash.

Learn to forgive, Learn to admit you're wrong
best of all love, hold them close and never let go.

In the vast expanse of space We found each other’s embrace Our love, a shining star Guiding us from afar

We dance among the constellations Our hearts beating in syncopation The universe, our playground Our love, forever profound

We gaze at the Milky Way Our love, a never-ending display We’ll travel the cosmos together Our love, a bond that will last forever

Wasn't eating properly,
  lost a little weight. . .
Old pictures,
  smiles on the faces. . .
***** Laundry,
  perfume on the nose. . .
Clean Sheets,
  your arm on my waist. . .
your touch+ theirs,
for in this love
   we are not 2 but 3.

"why don't you date?"
we made a pact,
   when we said I do,
I promised to be there,
   even when he's not here,
          I'll always be there,
                  even in death. . .
-l̶o̶y̶a̶l̶t̶y̶

My love,
Tongue of vitriol,
amongst ripped pages.
Amongst unaltered belief of a winged partridge
at my back beckoning my faults.
Tears that stream, like trees with broken nerves
that never touch the ground.

This is what I see in the darkened hour,
This is what I see in the mirror,
amongst the pillars of the chapel
a figment of my imagination,
I am but a pigeon amongst a sea of doves,
incapable of words, incapable of love letters like Rilke the poet.
Only capable of vitriol at the tongue
scorning love, scorning life, scorning death
yet living it. . .how ironic.

I smell the air, as clean as a city air can be.
I feel the pollen, with its unrelenting itch on my nose,
I hear the birds getting ready for the summer heat,
I see the lovers who always cross our street at three,
I taste the honey, that you loved in your tea.
I smile, three years in the dark,
three years blind, death, within the darkness of this world.
For you are gone, and that is okay.
For in these moments I know you stand by me.

You explored each crevice,
   pulled apart each door,
      burned your image across the waves,
traversed every mark & every ridge
like the roots in dry desert heat,
you drank your fill and moved on,
naked & embarrassed
     I now lay alone,
          I wish it was not so.

An abandoned fire loses its spark,
The warbler in love sings its song,
Only to find silence, please come back to me. . .

Did I invent love?
Or, is he the one who invented this love?
Why am I tormented by manufacturing this torment?
   This anguish, this pain, this love; which grows.
If we are made in his image,
   why do I suffer this heartbreak?
If he is loving and true,
   why does he not free me from your spell?
            - It hurts

Inside my polished surface,
my seas are in constant disarray,
the soul, its sweet nectar that fills every crevice.
violent; angry; bitter soul.

Inside my mental shell of self protection,
and the "person" it protects
from the poison that spews from my heart
my soul speaks to me; it reminds me I am weak
violent; angry; bitter soul.

I know well that there is no escape,
no sculptor can prefect; the stone that is broken
no painter can fix; the lines that have bled
no poet can create; emotions which no longer exist
I drag the stones of my own damnation
eternal ; violent; angry; bitter soul.

As time passes, my exterior becomes unpolished
manicured hands become wrinkled and weak,
legs of harden meat, become toothpicks
time is constant,
there is no escape,
but one thing remains
my eternal, violent, angry bitter soul. . .
    that weeps for you. . .