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Zivah Nov 25
She kisses my mouth, not trembling with fear
But with excitement
Light but firm enough to let me know she means it.
Zivah Nov 18
Pretend you want me for what is on the inside

My guts and organs are beautiful as my face and body

Why are you disgusted by me talking about my guts, I want to spill them for you
Zivah Aug 17
I felt the taste of death in my own mouth, at my own hand
And at that moment I understood that i was not going to live forever, some never realize that, but when you do your whole life will change.

Nothing will ever be the same.

Im nearly 19 years old and suddenly I realized that without a second thought my life is my own, i understood that my life is my own to live and i don't owe anyone for being alive, I did not asked to be born, to be sheltered, cared for, adopted, I didn’t ask to be brought onto the earth or ask to be alive this morning.

If anything I owe no one for keeping myself alive except myself. This lifetime is mine and who ever i share it with.

Sadness can be freeing, especially when you have have medically died at your own hand, due to issues you thought you could deal with.

I’ll never forget waking up out of the bathroom floor, covered in my own blood going to my aunt, eyes wide and glassy, only able to repeat “I want to live now.”

Within sadness I found happiness, there are some who instead of getting continuously crushed by sadness, they are set free from it.

whichever option they choose of course, death or finding joy
Zivah Aug 16
I love the times when she’s excited to see me,
and I find she calms me, lets me know I'm worth someone like her.
She sends me songs, I have almost all of them saved into a playlist,
I dreamt of her a few nights ago, her skin felt exactly as imagine,
I was the happiest I have ever been, dreaming of a first dance.
In the dream, her hands at my waist, lightly squeezing to let me know she is here,
nothing mattered At that moment but her and the dance.
I woke up and thought that I knew bliss,
It was enough in the dream, but when I woke, I wanted it to be real.
I know day I will get to go home and tell her how work was instead of texting her about it,
One day I will get to have her, to have and hold her.
Tinder may be actually a legit app for love
Zivah Oct 2020
I guess I could live and let live, but I'm not, I'm going to let every little thing build up against you until I am the one who lights the match in the gasoline soaked house you built from lies, broken trust, and self-pity.

Like I told you earlier, strangers to you can appear the way you want them. You stabbed me and pretended to come to my aid, and when i ask why you respond with "i dont remember"

The reason I can see through your haze is that I am the same type of person in a way but i don't tell too many secrets because you never know if they might remember them or not, you have to tell them little things, so they think you trust them, but I don't betray friends and I always have an endgame plan for every one of my friendships. I am almost to my Zugzwang.

So, don't get too comfortable, it's not over until I say it is.
Tired of being stabbed by those whom I love most, I’m done, it’s time I grow up and find friends who are adults
Zivah Aug 2020
Laying in the grass with your playlist was supposed to be calming.
Air muggy with sadness and confusion.

I'm jealous. Not for the right reasons either.
Jealous of how the rain gets to kiss you and I dont.
Not quite sure if I want to.

I don't love you, If I do my conscious self doesn't know.

You remind me of this stuffed animal I cherished as a child.
I didn't play with it, it just collected dust on my shelf.
Only collecting dust, nothing more.
My mother was going to donate it. I refused to let her.
For some reason I wanted it even though I liked it I couldn't bring myself to play with it.
I still have it to this day.
Still collecting dust.

In a sense its idiotic.
Wanting you but at the same time not.

I feel like I'm truly becoming an adult.
My 18th birthday in nine days.
Almost out of my teenage years
I need to sort my feelings.
Love from Jealousy.
Lust from Love.
Zivah Aug 2020
The beautiful, lie unclothed.
Hand in hand they lie unclothed.
Hand in hand. Male with Male, Female with Female, Male with Female.
The bare girl crosses the bare breast of her lover.
With measureless love, arms and hearts with measureless love.
The breath goes with the breath of the friend.
The kisses. The wrong is right.
Supple and awake.
They pass the chemistry.
I, too, stay a while to love you.
Should be afraid to trust myself with you?
I am not afraid to be myself, to love who I love anymore.
First time back in a while, I finally came out, i am having conflicting feelings regarding my bisexuality, i like women more than men. i feel the need to label myself a lesbian.

— The End —