I smoke 4 am cigarettes
For my 4 am regrets

...

Money, drugs, and cheap ***
Nothing more, nothing less

And coordinated train wrecks
With filthy secrets to confess

Beer breath and sad texts
Bred by my building stress

...

I smoke 4 am cigarettes
For my 4 am regrets

It makes me sick to my stomach and oh so intensely nauseous
How I helplessly play your laugh on loop, like an involuntary shrine, inside my aching head

Stunning smile, smooth voice belonging to a trickster so skillfully dishonest
New self-made self-esteem; empowered to say you can save yourself instead

Sin-stained waltz with a demon, misery's baggage kept hidden in closets
Black and white scenes bleeding grey; colors slaughtered as beauty is violated then abandoned- dim, dull, and dead

A cheap shell of a person, drained dry then discarded- intimacy ******* and cautious
Belittled my self-worth, fed your ego; *emotional homicide every night I layed on "my side" of your bed..

I felt these vibes
The special kind
Aided my high
And blew my mind
Pausing time
Evolving tribes
An uphill climb
And rocky ride

Aggressively pounding my head against these walls
Waiting for that overrated empire called love to finally fall
Starting wars and dodging when the draft is called
Given a running start and not having to crawl
Feeling like every nice night has to be an emotional brawl
**Your affection is wildlife and I was ******* mauled

"He's just not that into you"
I wasn't special
No social breakthrough

I know you don't look back
Not like I do..
I didn't matter like that..

My smile doesn't occur to you
And you don't recall
The way I believe in the music too

The prospect of getting attached
You loathed so much
You practically had panic attacks..

So I busy myself to ignore you
It hurts to accept
What I know to be the truth..

You don't hear that specific track
And think of those days
In your kitchen when I made you laugh

You've been quite cruel..
Looking back..
I should've thought less of you..

Because now I know you like that
And I know I'm a fool
Even today I'd still text you back..

Walking on eggshells, fragile rules
******* boundaries
Established as if I don't have feelings too

I wish you missed me back..
And I know you never will
I'm nothing to notice your days lack

I suppose I'm a proven tool
And now I'm just your fan
And a ******* fool..