I will never lose to you again.
You who are without care.
You who are despicable.
You who take without nodding. Without looking. Without giving so much as a glance.
You will never get the best of me again.
I will never lose to you.
I know your game.
I know the seeds you plant.
And you. will die. And I will see to it that I am the one who buried your hate.
I will be the one to rise above you.
And all that you incarnate.
You are evil.
And I will overcome you.
You are the world.
And I am coming for you.

An empty room.
Like pressing pause on a movie the picture is still.
But there's no control over the scene with a remote.
Just paused.
Sitting alone.
The silence grips the back of your throat but you elate.
It's not the feeling of chocking but the feeling of something you've been through a million times.
Familiarity.
You're not scared of the paused screen.
You've been here before.
You're going to be okay...
You're going to be fine.
I promise you.
No matter how loud the hallway gets.
How distance that checking feeling grips.
It will eventually. fade.
If you're willing to let it.
Dont be the illusion.
Be the present.
Dont feed the conclusions.
Feed your own personal heaven.
Sit. Listen. Fear. Every thought.
Every slice of hatred. Every tinge of emotions that shoots through your head. And let it .. live. Not control you, just let it breathe. Let it exist. The pain, the hurt, The love, the hate. Let it go.
You'll be okay.. I promise.

So I'll leave you with this letter.
I'll give you all my love and hope.
Knowing you deserve better.
Knowing heaven is your door and I am the one stopping you from ascending more.
Because you were my angel.
You were my ticket.
You were the reason I never saw the sky as a limit.
I kissed it  
Every morning.
I accomplished the impossible like you were the most probable thing I'd ever cherish.
You were the sun and I was the moon and there's no way in hell I'd ever have currents.
The decisions I've made make you feel worthless.
Even when all I wanted to do was make you feel the earth surface.
I wanted too see you shine.
I wanted your love twice.
I wanted so much but I'll have to settle with the mice.
I'll have to settle with every mistake I've made.
I'll leave you the key so you can bury this case.
So I can leave this place.
So you never have to live with my mistakes.
I love you.
I'm sorry.
Goodbye.

To live with a purpose takes more effort than they tell you.
Saying it come naturally might just nationally be the biggest lie.
When passions strikes you ride the wave, because it just comes and go's it never stays.
The way we make ourselves so vulernable.
Putting our own lives at stake to take place in a dust bunny we call history.
To stare and be amazed in aw we praise.
Those who rise with this struggle and come out with strength.
Riding that passion till it dropps you off straight.
Straight into the waves of life.
So you try to swim back to shore, and look back realizing theres nothing more.
They don't tell you when you start the descent you have to lose everything.
They just tell you to let go when you fall.
Hoping that we all,
Understand this life with half meant sentances disguised as fortunes.
Make it yours and live on your own.
But what does that mean.
You'll spend your whole life searching for something greater than yourself just to find out you are the greatness sewed in every seam.
And you live your life thinking it could be all a lie.
Its just one great big comply after comply.
So you lose sight. You might even forget how to breathe.
You might scratch at the surface just to remember the peak.
You might hope every night that the sunsets in remembrance.
So when you wake up at least something was consistent.
It's a daunting task.
Living for yourself.
But just remember,
You're the only one who'll take care of you when everyone's left.

I've run our of reason to care
There's not much of a point for anything anymore.
Everything seems so mute of lost pursuit I'm not in the mood to deal with life.
I can't handle this love these fights.
I'm starting to lose sight of what's wrong vs what's right.
Not that I ever had a good vision to start with.
The lines are blurred and my time is stirred.
I hate the way I feel,
Alone and empty.
I don't know what it'll take to feel the same way, before they left me.
For now I'll forget the feeling.
I'll ignore the fore warning the message the epics.
I'll try to forward a future.
And hope I can see past this hate.
Even if it's destined to be my fate.

I think i rushed it
I think i blew it
Sky high and right when i thought i knew it.
It was too easy.
To fall in love.
I should've seen it and learned from my past.
I didn't mean to make it rush. 
I just was so tired of being alone.
I wish i could tell you these words.
I wish things were different.
I wish i learned.
I wish it was different.

Because you come in the hum of a familiar song.
It's always at night and it lingers just to terrify my fright.
I'm not concerned with how it sounds, but why it won't go away.
Why most songs I know refuse to leave and only worsen when they stay.
It's never intentional but the lack of intent it inflects and infects the left over flesh I have revealed from these wounds left.
Because if I wear my emotions on my sleeves then there's not enough skin left to even bruise.
I don't hold the past far above my head,
So I don't understand why I believe parts of me are dead.
I just know when I was with you is when I felt so alive.
So why can't I seem to feel that way again.
So it's all the same and I listen to the past to feel the pain, but my nerves don't react the same because I live in the present so why won't the pensions dissolve I have resolve I got it solved I'm sick of this hole.
And the candle burns at both ends.
Mending the emotions and the forgetful notions of hopes sent.
I just wish I had answers, but the more I ask the more I have questions.
It seeme like life wants me to stay guessin, or at least I can fool it and pretend.
By learning nothing and staying silent and bearing this suffering when I hear your song end.
So it never does.
Even after I fall in love.
Maybe all wounds heal the same way, but others tend to stay longer than they'd like to explain.
Because being in love with you was a vacant room, I lived idly through day by day.
The warm colors were the only other reasons I had to live for back then.
When food had no taste, but your lips stained my face and I could never hope to find that same place, or purpose in anyone else.
So please don't leave a stain.
Next time I let someone in I won't beg them to stay or throw a parade when they say our times up and the only love I'll leave you with is lies.
So I'll part my finally goodbyes when I've grown and shown you all that I'm no longer.
Founder and stronger.
I choose to live in the present.

I had wishes of me and you in the future.
I had many beautiful dreams and actions that now falter.
I'm not sure what to feel right now as I am with most things.
If anything it hurts to feel right now. So all I can do is ignore the pain.
You were everything I wished for and more.
You were life itself before opening that ******* closet door.
I had high hopes before drowning on these high seas.
Now I only see the negative things wrong with me.
And I know it's not about being better.
I just know its about your ***.
I get that maybe I'm being selfish.
I just wanted to give you everything I don't have yet.
You filled me with motivation and my heart rises to your sunset.
But now you leave my earth.
And I'll cry as this everlasting moon sets.
Good bye my sweet alibi I'll live with you forever.
I'll always remmeber the time.
When I thought I could have you forever.
I guess for now I'll just love the sky.
Hoping it rains acid.
I'd rather disintegrate slowly, than be hurt and remember false passion.

Acceptance.
An empty highway filled with joy.
The pieces of the sky that hold it together, so when the clouds don't form it won't fall on everyone's heads.
Echoes.
Shouting from the top of the mountains,  OBSCENITIES that involve no second thought, because there's that much hope put before your vocal chords scream that tune of free expression covered by the waterfall.
Warm hands.
Soft, quiet hands, that speak thier own language. Innocently and unknowingly.
Wilfully selfless yet triant.
Deceased.
Frail to the touch,  every bone in your body whispers.
Every moment SHOUTS,
Love without a conscious.
So it becomes natural and just.
Glow, radiate, expire, aspire, hope, joy, feel.
Feel. There's nothing more important.
Be true to yourself.
Hold that dear like if not for as much you'd freeze in the snow at the daybreak of summer.
To catch yourself before the world sees you cold.
Be free.
Express it please.
Love.

Help me smile again
The inks running thin while the sun sets and pins jab at my head.
A needle was never found in the hay stack so it just sank in my memory bank.
The lakes, the streams, the rivers of endless memories of you and me.
The chemicals released when you kissed me.
It was more than nothing like lava flowing, scortching everything in it's path.
Like my whole body was turning to ash and I was just waiting, melting slowly.
Help me smile again.
On the otherside of the rainbow,  nobody knows the sights as sore as your eyes the night we fought for the first time.
And the butterflies flew, even with clipped wings.
It was a never ending storm,  signaling for the light tower in the thickest of fog, the ray of hope never peaked its eyes or ever hollard for a sign of life.
We sunk that night.
And i think im still drowning.
Calling for land, searching for signs of life, hoping to grow wings like the birds alluding nearby land, before this wooden life raft gives out from underneath me.

Like a flower who wilted away.
Now again do I exsist for the purpose of exsistence sake.

I used to have a dream about being incomplete.
Then I met you.
And I  haven't had that dream since.

When the timings all wrong I'll know it's write.
Like the vows in your name.
Please be mine.

I Just wanna love you.
With endless meadows of color.
While the hills are green.
And I'm staring up at my brown eyed lover.

Let's be happy let's be together.
I just want to give everything.
To have her forever.

And it hurts so hard sometimes
Knowing I can't hold you,
Knowing it's not what you want.
But I just wanna love you.

Please tell me the harm in that.
Because this hurts so real.
I'm touching the sun
I'm touching but I can't feel.
And my fingertips are scorched but this loves surreal.

I just wanna love her.
I just wanna love her.

Why the **** am I alive.
What the **** is my purpose.
*** is my existence.
*** is my worth.
Can I just give my ******* life away to someone else?
I don't ******* want it.
I don't ******* need it.
I hate it.
Someone else out there can use this ******* life I'm wasting.
Can I just give it to them?
I'm so ******* tired.
I can't find a purpose. And when I do YOU ******* take it from me.
I ******* hate you and I hate myself and I hate this world.
Please ******* take me away and switch my souls.
Return me back to soil.
I'd have more value as that. Please I'm can't ******* do this anymore.

They say singing is a reflection of your soul.
Maybe that's why I'm a terrible singer.
They also say writing your problems on paper is a way to let your demons out.
Maybe that's why I never have anything good to write.

You're touch reminds me of every other girls touch before.
That's why I'm not gonna chase after you.
I know what the feeling of being lied to is like.
And it rubs off of your hands every time they brush mine.
I won't fall for this again.

Take me into consideration .
When I leave through that front door.
With the screen cracked and the rolling thunder.
Take me into consideration
When I ask you to love me more.
So when I fall asleep in these moments of you and me.
I can at least not wake up in your nightmares.
Take me into consideration.
When the leaks start to fill in the floorboards .
And my neck aches from the cold sweats.
And my heart drowns from the heat.
Let me know I'm doing something right here.
So I don't leave you behind.
With neglect and piled up confusion.
I just want you to tell me you feel the same.
And that you'll take my feelings into consideration .
Because I'm tired of holding them back for Your sake.

We separated.
Drifting apart faster than the content held in every breath I took shouting bee sting sized words at your back,

like the pain would cause you to go into anaphylactic shock and you'd realize you were abandoning a boat we didn't even build on purpose.

You said we should drift off too sea and I agreed.
You said we see things differently and I departed those words from your mouth like they weren't the infection pealing away my conscious everyday we drifted.

I cursed at the tidal waves everyday until I realized our arguments were the reason they started.

And each day spawned a new question faster than the hairs that grew on my face.
And each response fastened a quicker end to our adventures.

You said to stop enjoying the water and enjoy me more often.
But you didn't stop to realize I was staring at you the whole time we were just lost in the ocean and our paranoia was getting the better of us.

And every time we kissed the emotion wouldn't stop slipping.
Because in between the cracks of our lips salt water seeped through the very foundation of this building we had left our hearts with.

It was a change of pace and scenery.
They say losing someone hurts.
But the pain comes from the build up.

I wasn't hurting when you steered the boat to land because you were done with the only fish that kept you sane in the sea.
Or because you needed to find more fish on land to appease your desire
Making me the selfish one of this whole thing.

The process that broke me was watching the waves break us apart and thinking we could survive each one.
But the water become too deep.
And knowing our hearts would only grow apart and never stop drifting.
Put an end to my suffering as the tsunami rained down on us and ended our romantic journey.

And since then we never stopped drifting.

Drowning sensations encircled my mind and swallowed every ray of hope I had of seeing you.
My doubts spoke but never loud enough to choke out the messages I read from you at night.
And no matter how many times you said I love you I could never trust a single one till the last time you said it.
And your goodbyes stung the hardest the moments after you left.
Because I could never register them.
I could never forgive myself for blaming everything on the world and you.
And you were my reason for wanting, to begin with.
I had never wanted
Longed
Benignity
Wistfully
Felt entitled to anything in my life as Much as your love.
And every breath I took added seconds away from the day it'd all be taken away from me.
We both counted down the moon cycles like tiny thumb tacks falling off your moms favorite poster until it cascaded into the ground and she stopped hanging it up.
We were put out to dry because our egos were more of a monster than our imagination at bedtime.
And darling your monsters were always heavier than mine, but at least you had the strength to keep them at bay.
Unlike all the times you watched mine escape.
And because of that I'll never forget that chapter of my life where we argued into the night and scowered our never ending library of mistakes we had marked as UNCONSTITUTIONAL TO THIS LOVE BANK OF AGREEMENTS we never signed.
So I left the dotted lines.
And the ink from all the pens in our house dried.
As your lips parted from mine and I sighed, knowing this would be our last goodbyes.
And I finally saw your demons that night.
Just like how you always put up with mine.
And they were beautiful.
Because they all looked like you.
And I'll always treasure that memory of how we came to thrive off eachothers being.
And how late late at night years after our fighting and constant mood killings and mood swings.
I called you.
Knowing there was always a piece residing in you
That was mine.
I love you.
Goodnight

At this point titles are worthless.
Like my feelings to you.
THROWN UNDER A BUS AND LEFT IN MOTION.
Or at least that's where you've left me.
And I can't imagine this world voiceless.
Or without the lack of your voice in my head.
AND I'LL BE DECEASED EVERYDAY,
BUT I'LL NEVER REALIZE I'M DEAD.
Remove these agitated curses I live with everyday.
Since you left.

Return me to dust.
Benefit my lust.
Or joyful adventure of this journey so called "love"

Return me to dust and the wind we sweep me away.
Let my ashes remain.
And not a single one of them lie in your hands that were ever colder than mine will ever be.

Even in death.

Like my sense of smell. Like my sense of nature and nurturing that you never gave me.
Senseless beatings that you left me with.
Sentiment intimacy that you didn't mean.
Hurt pointless meanings.

It was all in bad taste.  
It was all for your sake.
And I've hated it since the day started I've been lost without a pace.
And you can't seem to keep one.

Cause you lost your taste.

DISSECT ME.
RIP OUT MY CORE AND BELITTLE THE MOMENTS I HELD IN REJOICE.
I'll realize what came to me as special when you leave through that door.
Not that you even entered my home but that you left it open.
And the hinges will remain unclipped.
Like EVERY WORD that leaves me lip.
CAUSE AT THIS POINT WHAT'S EVEN TRUE. I'M NOT SURE
WHY THE **** DO YOU GIVE ME FEELINGS WITH NO CLOSURE.
GOD ****** IM SO HURT.

Call it off.
Call it off.
Call it off.
And you sit the through it.
You tolerate it.
Your pain brings regret and sorrow.
Reborn from ash like the days gone tomorrow.
And your pain is your comfort and your comfort is your pain.

And you'll never TRULY MOVE ON.
UNTIL YOU RID AWAY THE DAY.
AND YOU WRONG YOUR RIGHTS BUT YOUR RIGHTS ARE ALWAYS WRONG.
AND ******* FOR THINKING NOTHING WOULD GO WRONG.

AND **** me.
Oh god **** me.
And maybe this is my torture for being this way.
MAYBE I deserve all of this for being INTOLERANT.
Voiceless
And over all.
Weak.
Because my false strength is  tormenting me until this day.

Confidence shrouded my misguided  interpretation of love.
It shattered my amends then threaded them back together to make a new person.
Someone who was capable of handling rigorous scheming love,
And handing it back to where it came from.
A hero without a mask. Because confidence hides no fears that it's never had.
And my cape formed from courage and matted rags.
It wasn't as flashy but confidence is not arrogant or cocky. He holds class.
Enough to look past the ongoing  criminals that hide behind vile merciless masks.
And unbeknownst courage would be confidences fall.
Because from the start all courage was made of.
Was tattered curtain clogs.
And courage was just as false as unbeknownst.
Confidence was just to confident that courage would pull through.
And at times he did.
With a heroic smirk and smile that no one trusted.
Because everyone knew courage was false confidence.
And confidence was truly lost.
All hope diminished against the evil malicious terminally ill poison.
Known to humans as love.
After all the greatest evil is the evil that controls a persons heart.
And no one's truly free until love is lost.
And confidence is found.
And courage is made.
Not from love made hand me downs.
But from the iron we create from our heart.
And that's the strongest part no one ever believes.
You don't need love to be happy.
"You just need me"
Said courage, right before he died.
And confidence collided with the ground being thrown off his steed.
Leaving no trace of sound.
Just dirt and soiled tattered clogs.
"And so I've lost"
Confidence exhaled with a shrivel of a sound.
Mimicked a voice only you could hear if love didn't control you.
That's how I lost them along the way.
Because they were my reason for this journey of love.
Now it's ended and I'm left with no friends.
Just truth.
And love still speaks to me with a silver tongue.
Whispering words of dreams and wisdom.
But I'll never fall for it again.
From now on I know to look for love transcribed from confidence and courage formed from within.

The true story is.
Not even confidence could win.

Against love.

I used to be so sure about love.
I used to know what my heart wanted but now it seem I just run from.
Every chance I touch someone's skin,
Its just poisoning me and letting hateful thoughts sink in.
And I don't know what it's like to not be crushed everytime.
And I don't know what it's like to not be hurt every time.
And I'm starting to question every night,
Before I sleep.
Is love alive?
Or is it just me?

Goodnight,
Close your eyes tight,
Like how i closed my hopes when you said goodbye.
I'll close my eyes tighter when the times right.
And every time I fall asleep. I'll realize I was just falling in love with your shadow in my dreams.

On the days I give up just know my reflection holds deer to the moments you can't see yourself .

And I didn't know perfection existed until I met you. And I didn't realize perfection was a lie until I left you. Congrats on teaching me 2 new things I'll never believe in.

Or should I say 1 because I already knew perfection was an afterimage chased by conceited men.

But I didn't know love was a mirage seen in the sand by shipwrecked sailors no longer able to return to sea.

But I'll chase perfection because I'm a dead man either way.
And I'd rather see your reflection in these mirages because they're the closest I'll ever get to love.

When the world sleeps.
And your hair like water drizzles down my rocky callus hands.
I'll feel your love asleep with me.

When the pressure dissapears.
And I can glide my hand across your Everglades cheek.
My serenity will be put to rest.
And my assurances will know no fear.

And when I can lay my head on your lap.
Attracting magnets jealous of our attraction.
I'll shut my eyes with yours.

Because the time the world tells is determined by us.
And I'll never stop loving you until the world stops turning.
So let the moments like these stand still and mean everything.
So long as I lose myself with you.

Every day feels like an obstacle.
And I'm lost with every expression you make silently.
We notice each others indifferences but never speak on them.
We strike out of luck with every passing glance and every failed attempt to fall in love.
But I want to fall in love.
And so do you.
I hope.
I think.
I'm not sure.
And so we're hard to love when being revealed to vulnerability.
And I could carve out my heart just for you to carve out yours.
And we'd just be staring at each other unable to accept the responsibility of our hearts sensibility.
And fighting is pointless because neither of us want to be the reason for pain.
And we blur passive words like, "it's for your sake" or "I just don't want you to get hurt." When in reality we both know what we mean.
Because our indifferences are our similarities.
And in reality we just don't want to be hurt.
So we make ourselves hard to love.
Because maybe one day our worth will contribute to our happiness and not just for others.
But for us.
And one day we'll be able to feel that tingle in our skin when we touch.
But for now I'm hard to love.
And your scared of falling in love.

Trust tears quicker than it can be built.
Like my decisions to love you or adore you.
And there is a difference.
I could adore you for every moment we spend together.
But not love you the moments we're apart.
And I could love you for every time I hear you voice.
But never adore you when we're apart.
And I wish I could choose to love you.
But its never that easy.
Because I won't let myself be fooled until you show me your heart.
So right now I adore you.

Life got hard the moment finding love became just as hard as keeping it.
The world was tired of waisting its time making everyone happy so it turned a blind cheek.
I just wish I wasn't oblivious to the soft smiles she gave me when I wasn't looking.
And time had no effect on my anger.
Like every breathe that escaped my denial fed my imagination of never falling in love again.
So we ignore feelings to fuel the flames of our dreams.
And the clouds floating above our heads when we day dream,
Are really just our feelings giving off steam.
So now our world slowly destroys its self by the factories we've made in our hearts to keep away love.
And this ozone layer will never repair itself until we find love again.

In the moments when silence is fueled by adrenaline and instinct. Words thrive the most,
Cornered like animals hiding from prey.
And in a world fascinated by the less adequate beauties gorgeousness is not hard to find.
But when I see you my passion is silenced and beauty is all but mute.
So when we speak the words are natural the adrenaline is gone and the world is no longer gorgeous.
Because its lost all its beauty to you.

And maybe a goodbye is all I'll ever miss.
And I'll offer you these words instead of one last kiss.
And I'll offer you these secrets like lullaby's.
So you'll have something to sing you to sleep besides my tears.
And I've now bestowed upon your crescent shaped ears.
A love I'll never find again.
Parting with you was my greatest fear.
Now I'll die alone like all those sailors that sung you to sleep.
Just before they realized you were a siren hidden below the deep.

So submerge me till my head is buried long beneath the tidal waves of our hearts lost desires.

And mend my flesh like I knew you would when I opened my heart large enough to let you swim in it.

I just didn't think you'd set fire to the ocean but you conquered the impossible to me.
When I realized I still had room for love.
So thank you for sending that rush to my blood. One last time.
No let me close my heart again, to the ocean deep.

Everybody loved her and I didn't understand why.
She was a klutz a jester,
That laughed to pass time.
And I was annoyed of the world for reasons not known.
Maybe that's how I feel for her,
Because her laugh was like mine.
And I never knew it until I picked her up for our first ride.
And she was free like my imagination of adulthood.
The car ride was quite with my voice.
But riddled with her laughter.
And I was so confused,
About whether it was genuine or plastered.
So I cleaned my head and the car ride was still.
Until
She felt comfortable enough to share with me,
The world she had built.

And all I want to know is your world.
If you'd let me explore it.

And I write these words like I'm talking to you in person.
Like you'll somehow hear me.
Like when it rains you forget your umbrella and embrace my secrets like tiny droplets that brace your skin.
And all I want is for my words to take a physical form.
Because I've never been beautiful but with you I felt like so much more.
And you'll never know that.
I didn't even try that day it snowed.
I didn't need a coat cause you shielded me from the cold.
And that blizzard seemed like a sunshine followed by a rainbow.
I just wanted you to remove these holes in my soul like I removed that empty space between your smile.
Because I could always tell when you were faking it or when you knew we wouldn't last a while.
And I'm writing this poem because I couldn't find another way to say I love you.
Because when I see your face I fall for you.
Again
Again
Again
Again.
And I've never been so sane until I knew you.
You were like the nector from honeydew.
You were like every reason I made an excuse for forgetting my car keys.
So I could make an excuse for our time together to never end.
But I guess that was my fault.
Should've known you can't buy time with a pen.
I can't rewrite the end
I can't even write a love letter to you without making it seem like I'm making amends.
Like creating a sense of writers block will cast a shadow long enough to outcast my ambitions.
And I wish I could offer you more than my love.
I wish I could offer you my being.
Maybe that would be enough.
A collection of memories spawned in my head.
Like shifting gears to a clocktower that was long past dead.
And this grandfather clock was rigged from the start.
It chose to rip out pieces of my heart
When the dial striked 12.
And just like I knew every night I'd go to bed loving you the same.
But never have that in return.
I wrote this because I don't know how to say I'm in love with you without being straight forward.
I wish I could say it in these words.
And then maybe you'd fall forward.
And I'd catch you not looking for a reward but so my heart would leap out of my chest. And maybe you'd feel my love when it left.

Because I'm sweet.
But maybe she's heard sweeter.
And everybody has a sweet tooth.
But lately mines been bitter.
And I didn't want her teeth to fall out like mine did.
I was just exposed to the reality of love biting.
And I never liked sweets to begin with.
I prefer my coffee bitter.
Like the space between our mattress when you stayed over that one night during the winter
Like the gap in our eyes when I stare at you while you stare out the window.
And in the moments I get your glance a sense of caramel melts over me like apples at a circus.
And these occasions are sweeter than red wine on a candy glass carpet.
They're only special in the events of our loneliness
Like two lost souls looking for a purpose.
And maybe we went separate directions because your sweet tooth was held over mine.
And I never liked candy in the morning just at night so my nightmares would be sweet.
And every time you stirred splenda in my coffee I held back excitement in my content.
Only so before I sipped you'd see my smile thinking I loved it.
But really I hate splenda.
But I love any coffee made by you.

What if on that night I told you I was in love with you?
Would these steel seams melt away?
Would this collection of misguided dreams dissipate in the rain?
Would you have been mine and everything would've stayed the same for the years that've passed us up and locked away our inner emotions?
Would you have ever felt that way?
Why did you ever tell me you loved me the same.
Because since then all I've ever wanted is to kiss you the way we kiss in my dreams.
Or my nightmares I should say.
Cause every time I day dream about you I think I'm in hell.
Forced to remember all the good times we buried in those hollow wooden caskets sealed tighter than any imagination I've ever had of runung away. Sealed tighter than my hopes when they sunk to the bottom of the ocean each day you found a new suiter.
A new body of warmth and comfort because no matter how many times I loved you at my most.
My most was never enough.
And what does that say about me?
How am I supposed to breath?
When I wake up to a decreased oxygen tank you've pocked tiny holes into so I couldn't breathe.
And I don't want to breathe
Knowing you'll never be with me.
So maybe being the shoulder to cry on is all I'll ever been.
Cause you'll never see past the dreams and realize our beauty.
You'll never see past the outcast
Of our short lasted opportunities.
Like little white lies told when knitting.
Its just now that I'm seeing with my own eyes, why the thread is becoming undone.
Because this sweater of love you knitted me.
Was just a pity gift amongst throw aways you've hidden beneath.
And what hurts the most is knowing you've never lied to me
You've never intentionally hurt me.
You've only accidentally crushed my soul.
And for that I'm sorry.
I truly can't take anymore.
So take me back to that night we ate sushi.
The rain pelted but our voices made it seem like butterflies dancing in the spring.
Window wipers were a distraction to block out awkward air.
And I could've said I love you.
Right then and there.
Please take me back to that moment of serenity.
Because now my emotions are just reasons for you to forget me.
And saying I love you.
Never let's me sleep.
Annie

Scabs congregated by blood.
Scars prone to love.
And like artery's we contract these air vesseled halls.
Collapsing in on ourselves when lost love.
Maybe that's why I can't breathe lately.

Like tiny lintel beans full of light your skin shines across the waves of your smile.
Like tiny glimmers of hope I'm captivated by my sensation my intuitive fixation on love.
Like a pirate lost to sea I fall in love with the ocean when I never had sea legs to begin with.
Glimmers are reflected.
Like your taste in music and taste in habits and taste in speech and distaste in me.
Glimmers given false hope to sailors tormented by the sea.

Define speech.
An intimate notion conveyed though words.
A paradox of emotions that freeze time through wisdom.
Judgment drippled over the sidewalks as cars with motionless captivators sit idly waiting for the next green light.
An unintended message said but never felt physically.
Because if words were physical they'd be our means of  reproduction.
And our means of sensual activity.
Although I don't condone to adult misdemeanors halted by 5 years spawned from 15 year old mothers due to the input of 3 utter words of chaos. Three words that could mean life or love.

I love you.
That's the only language I want to speak when I'm with you.
Be it greedy or as still as a ponds serenity when its past 10 and the kids are asleep.
I love you.
And this speach comes naturally
Only when I'm with you.

Like tiny cracks in the cement that spill out on the sidewalk  her smile.
Like chinks in these metal plates reminding me of here intentionally placed flaws.
She is a melody of unforgettable lullabies that sing me to sleep.
Or usher me to greatness.
And I'll never forget her small nods to nothingness that are behavioral, habitual, silently eloquent beauty.
Her hand gestures that splatter on paper like ink.
Violently she covers her face when she's shy like the waves covering the ocean floor.
And her mysteries speak louder than the voices in my head.
That's why when she speaks all I can ever think about is her attention.
Swooning
Lashing out like a child who can't get a second glance on his elementary crush as he moves cities.
I just wish I could move into her heart.
Because her simple nods of beauty.
Her simple eyelashes that quiver when surfaced against her cheeks.
I'm not awestruck.
I'm awe stuck.
Its not her beauty on her skin.
But the beauty that lies within.
And she wears these emotions like a cursive tattoo on her skin.
I'm in love with the simple gestures and habits she may think are natural for everyone else.
Because her small beauties.
Are what makes her most beautiful to me.  

Make my heart warm again.

This voyage.
This wonderous emporium of unimaginable feelings has come to a trifling hault.
The natural hot springs dried up.
And like ever bristle on a tooth brush my feelings have been plucked.
Just my luck.
And maybe it was never the tell tale of an oceans sigh breathing down my heart
Signaling an alarm of emotion ships to sway down a never ending voyage of teenage hormones.
But maybe it was my belief of kept unharmed untouchable innocence treated as untreatable waters for a no mans land to reserve the perseverance perceived child like humor and gestures adults lack.
I'm left sorrowful as the sun without any civilian's to share its rays.
But more like chimney smoke releasing toxic fumes into my mind not realizing the damage they've done to the ozone layer of my heart.
When alas the ships have returned to a now land known not.
And feelings of once no mans land, yet to forever be forgot.
I'll have missed that long journey's trip that tore apart my heart.
And made me an adult.



-I miss falling in love sometimes.

I guess my mirage of happiness was twisted by the turn of a switch. Or it could've been my urge to make someone besides myself the happiest, because to be direly honest, I was tired of being alone. But what I didn't realize, is when you shake hands with the devil you leave behind your soul. Or your love for anyone, because everytime I looked at her I still felt empty. And by this time nothing changed, I wasn't apart of love. I was apart of a game. A game played where the demon has your soul, to mend into a benevolent role, of frenzies feeding from your energy. And I'm sorry I never meant anything. Its just I didn't want to try when trying would've got me hurt. And I guess patience teaches you something. You never truly know someone until you see both sides of them tearing apart your dirt-y, heart free, body. Your eyes can never reach my soul. Because our blissful moments of happiness could never mean anything to your role,
In my lyfe.

I got home and messanged my friends

But I guess I didn't realize I wanted to share my life with you not with them.

And it made me hold my breathe.

Realizing you were all I had.

So I guess I have nothing left.

Let's fall asleep under the same sky.
And wake up buried in each others treasures.

I think the reason you said no.
Was because I was so unsure of my certainty.

You were the smile I wore to school.
And the grin I wear to sleep.
Now you're the tears that clot my eyes.