I was happy, way up high.                    
I was safe, in another land.
It was blissful, when I didn't see.
I was calm, when I turned away.         It was fun, when I was ignorant.

I became scared, when I came down.
I felt Worried, when I returned.
I was lost, when I hit the ground.
I was in pain, when reality set.
I was empty, without my insanity.

How does one live, with the boredom?
How does one cope, with the pain?
How does one find their home, with no memory?
How does one smile, when the view is unchanged?

Tell me please, without my little helpers, how do I find myself, in this world?

I still believe in me

Even though the bottle pulls me under
And the rolled up twenty sits eagerly awaiting my self-respect to slip on it's own ego
and fall into its self made trap

I still believe in me

Even though my confidence has taken its coat, and gone back down to the pub,
to meet with self doubt,
self esteem
and self hatred
They meet regularly
They are friends for life
For my life

I still believe in me

Even though my heart is buried under a thousand apologies
Caught in a web of tangled misjudged trust
with a master made from hindsight that
laughs whenever I try to escape

I still believe in me

Because despite everything
I'll crawl out of the bottle
I'll rip up the rolled twenty
I'll find self love
cut out and stitch over self doubt, self hatred and self esteem
I'll find my way out of the web
and tell the master that the
good thing about hindsight
is learning from it
That he has no power over me.

I still believe in m

A poem for Tinder.

You look at his photo and think 'he looks hot'
then look at the next one and say 'maybe not'.

The next one is too short and has the wrong hair,
you're making snap judgements it's not really fair.
You swipe and you swipe but none to the right,
you must find one soon or be swiping all night.

The next one looks pretty but has not took the time,
to write he likes dogs or thinks veggies are fine.
You swipe left and swipe left and again you swipe right.
You must not be beautiful, no matches tonight.

You pin all your hopes on that very first date,
you dream of the first kiss, you hope he's not late.
He walks in the bar and you smile a fake smile,
you think of excuses but will stay a short while.

How shallow you are that you won't give it time,
he might have a good heart, he might be just fine.

He's says that he's sorry but can't stay that long,
he's making excuses, and you wore your best thong!

How dare he decide before you've even spoke,
then picks up his drink, goes outside for a smoke.
You sigh and decide to pick up your phone,
a new match from Tinder, you can't get wait to get home.

You sit in your flat, shopping for men,
you swipe left then swipe right and start over again.

The circus

I'm running to join the circus
I know it's a place I'll fit in
My smile painted on by the clowns
Hiding the sadness within

I'm running to join the circus
Away from a life of pain
Where the colours and laughter of children
Bring sunshine in place of cold rain

I'm running to join the circus
I just want my heart to feel free
Flying around the big top
With the other clowns, the pretenders
And me.

Feeling cynical...

Would you like to journey with me to the sky
Do you yearn to touch the stars

Does your soul ache to be heavy with love
And would you bleed to have a full heart

Would you promise the devil whom you'd promise your soul
so you could dance with the beautiful and never get old

Would you trade your dreams for loves deepest kiss
Give away your fire
for a life of fake bliss

The stars a safer bet
they're easier to touch
Finding a love on the deepest level
Never turned out to be that much

Long forgotten by everyone
Slumped on the street
They had injected her
Left her contorted
They had made her weak

How dare you judge
knowing nil of her dark past
If you knew
You wouldn't walk by
You'd see behind her vacant mask

Vulnerable and scared
She clung to every lying heart
Older than her years
New to the street
Stranger to the dark

You think you know her
From behind your ignorant desk
Your life an easy ride
You know nothing of her Mr
All she knows is wanting death

She woke before the birds one morning, and she was as light as the sunbeams creeping over the horizon.
It had been a lifetime since her smile was wider than the ocean, since her heart felt free.
No longer caged in behind her walls. No longer contained, unable to reach out for freedom.

She had sat within the molten air.
She had reached out blindly, and stroked its black velvety walls. She had listened to the masked voices.
And she had separated herself.

She had cradled her sadness and pulled it close.
She had sheltered it from the claws that had threatened to ****** it away.
And she'd saved it so that she could learn to love it.

She chose a new way.
She had pulled at the light and had drawn it to her core.
She found her bravery from the kind, supportive hearts that surrounded her, each and every day.
Her constant: Her friends.
She cut out and stitched over the patches of guilt, jealousy, fear and uselessness.

She had awoken.
She was reborn.
No longer afraid.

She had chosen to sit in the darkness.
She had chosen to feel it.
To reach out and touch it, and to listen to it.
She had not sent it away; she had taught herself to separate from it.

Again the brilliant sunshine rose, which had blinded her only days before.
This time she didn't turn away. This time she allowed it to reside deep within her, as she held it close.

She now loved both the light and the dark.
And she had new knowledge.
For she realised, that one could not exist without the other.

Vast approaching, carnivorous clouds
set to surround her
Choking her with their black ****
pregnant with both child and fear
she is unable to protect what she holds deep within her
Evil screams at her every turn she is lost
and she has nowhere to run

His putrid stench has returned
It resides within him
Redolent of whiskey
Nicotine stained
And she wants to retch
He has invaded her
****** her sanity
He can barely walk
He is disgusting

She fights with reality, desperate to disappear
Meditates to another land
Where her body is vacant and alone

To be pregnant with evil
Is to be punished
She can not be loved

His veins reach out and engulf her with such venom
That her throat is choked with
his sticky sour blood

Dying is her only chance
But her life is cruel
She must endure his foul, stinking breath
His beatings
His abuse
Desperately hoping, praying
That someone would **** him...

I wish

I wished for you when I was 5
And you came to me
You were still alive

I wished for you when I was 7
I missed you deep
But you'd gone to heaven

I wished for you when i turned 18
I had lost control
Didn't know where I'd been

I wished for you when I turned 25
When I'd jumped to end things
But remained alive

I wished for you when I was 28
And I was in love
I thought it was fate

I wished for you when my heart fell out
Smashed on the floor
I couldn't search you out

I wished for you in my 30th year
So lost and alone
Feeling nothing but fear

I wished for you but I'd lost control
Too many drugs
My life a lost soul

I wish for you now but I know you won't come
My life is my fault
What is done is done

I fight you in the morning
I fight you before I sleep
I fight you when I'm lonely
In pain or feeling weak

I fight hardest during the dark
It gets easier during the light
But the grey days are the tricky
ones
These days I strengthen the fight

I fight because I'm worn out
And it would be easier to leave
the daily pain and struggle
behind a long forgotten dream

I fight you for the people
That I would leave behind
But to fight you for myself alone
The reason I can't find

I love you
I've never met you
But I love you

I've seen your face in beautiful strangers
I've kissed your lips in my dreams
I've touched your face deep
within my heart

I won't give up on you
Because I long to kiss you
I live for you
I'd die for you
You are my life's work

I won't give my heart
until I can give it to you
And if you don't come
My heart will stay hidden

I am yours

Don't take too long

The light awoke gracefully as it gently rose up
so pure, and so beautifully bright from behind the calming blue horizon.
Grand and vast in its presence.
It was a sight to behold, that could heal the darkest of days.

She could feel it from behind as she walked, warming her swollen mind.
And she knew that all she had to do
was to turn
To let go
reach out and let it engulf her.
Saturate.
To enter deep inside her worn out body and wrap itself lovingly, around her torn soul.

She new that in its brilliance, deep within it's warm and loving beams
It could heal her.

But the enduring familiarity of the darkness, was calling to her yet again.
It's voice masked with a calming lure that had for many lives, led to a false feeling of safety within its carnivorous, colossal walls.
An imprisonment that made promises with no intent to commit.

Light has always prevailed over darkness. But when darkness bleeds inside a vessel with a heart and mind as strong as she possessed, light has to work a lifetime harder
Indurate this troublesome being.

Within her shattered trust, she struggles to believe that the light is forceful enough. As darkness rubs its beastly hands, in its vast approaching victory.

Once again she is still
The light willing her to one side, and darkness enticing her to the other.
Heart fighting over mind.
Angels fighting with the fallen. Tears escaping within the struggle.

The battle had commenced.

Their voices call to every atom of you, they're never to resist.
Their musical tones, their faces kind, the amber behind the mist.
The tips of their wings, wave silently below, their beautiful form beneath the turquoise glow.

Their pull is so intense, you won't believe how strong, begging you to join them, down deep where you belong.

You're desolate and desperate, you can't believe your mind. The wanting you feel to join with them, to see what lies behind.

They promise you eternal life, all you need is trust. But someone shouts you from the shore, you turn around, you must.

Lay down beside me
my love
turn your limbs to become mine
wrap your skin and hold close, to bond yourself to me
Let the light within you dissolve into me
and feel warm.

Lay down beside me
my love
Let your breath flow deep into my breath
help me be still
as mine will surely fail before dawn.

Lay down beside me
my love.
Let my soul teach to your soul, every beautiful word
every song and every thought of kindness
Keep searching for great hearts
and be brave.

Lay down beside me
my love
Push your heart within me
to beat as mine begins to fade. Let us be one
just as the first time
As this my darling
my other
my fallen half
will be the last scene
in a life very few will conceive.

Lay down beside me
my love.
Feel how great we are
Never let that greatness fall. Remember me clearly with eyes of love and see what I see. Never mistrust your deepest thoughts
they are our thoughts
we built them together.

Lay down beside me
my eternal love
I have not let you down
The light I give will be your strength
My deepest thanks to you
my love
For you
my fallen half
is what made my heart so beautiful.

How does one dress for Brighton
I really can't figure it out
One minute I'm dressed for rain
Next minute the sun has come out

How does one dress for Brighton
Bright rainbows the colours of Pride
Or blues, greens and whites
Like the waves and the sea so wide

How does one dress for Brighton
Im unsure of the weather today
I think I'll just wear whatever I want
Take my new coat, and go out to play

Today she wrapped her arms around her fear, and she thanked it

Yesterday, as she lay in bed, and during a new meditation she'd found, she was reminded of her fear.
This fear, is of not being good enough for people to love.

She craves for love, like many of us do.
A lost but familiar drug.
It haunts her, yet she is unable to fully accept it when it appears.

To the outside, all looks great.
She has a new man, or a new friend.
And immediately, crashing waves of love, she hurls at these people.

She pushes them way up high, and fills them with pressure.
The pressure of healing her.
Of gathering up her pieces and gluing her together with their love.

There is a pattern. It's rooted as deep as the memories of an old spirited tree. A tree rooted over too many years. Struggling to stand with the knowledge embedded within itself.

Then once again, she meets someone. And she falls in love ❤️

Her ego dances with joy. Her heart somersaults in ecstasy.
Her fear is gone? Or so she feels. And all in her magic kingdom is beautiful again.
The grey walls of her life are a dazzling bright white. And she is free.
This person she then fills with her desperate love, her hopes and dreams, and her need to quieten the fear, until they can't breathe, bursting at their seams.

This 'filling up' of people, wears them down. The relationship rips at the edges. She senses this and her fear applies more pressure within this filling up.
The torn seams become gaping black holes.
And she has lost.

The pattern needs to be broken.
The fear wants her to hear it, to take notice. And so it sends her love after love followed by rejection after rejection.
Until she hears it banging on her soul.

So she is teaching herself to love this fear. To read it as an old book and to learn from its pages.
As each time her heart is broken, rejected. It is fear teaching her that she doesn't yet love herself fully.

The heartache is there to remind her that there is still much work to be done.
That there has to be this darkness, to let the light in.
That trying to hide from the pain, resenting it, or getting angry with it. Does not serve her.

She will have love; she will find her magic and she will let in the light.

Today she wrapped her arms around her fear, and she thanked it.

Love is the answer ❤

She was strong now.
She stood taller than the mountain that once towered above,
where down on her knees,
she used to pray.

The days she'd knelt down and curled away from the light,
were a distant memory.
Now the light flooded her,
until the tips of her fingers fizzed
with the new life she held inside her soul.

She'd written away the fear from deep of inside herself.
She'd written until all the ink, in all the pens she owned had run dry.
Until her fingers bled and her mind emptied.

She stretched out and then she held on tightly to the love that now engulfed her,
and she smiled.

A small joy had revealed itself and she danced to the sound of long awaited relief.

She was now the mountain.
She would endure all weathers. She would house those in need. She would search deeper inside of herself,
of her heart and she would become kinder,
more understanding,
and would bestow more love.

There were still times when she had to fight.
Times during the storms,
when she just wanted to let go and return to the old familiar patterns,
and the safety of her old misery.

But she did not return,
not fully.
And she knows she never will.

Love is the answer ❤

Did you pray for me
***** knees
Spliff hanging out
Smoke in the breeze

Did you pray for me
Lick the glass clean
Bottle empty
Last night just a dream

Did you pray for me
Old hands upon your skin
Allowing them inside you
Self respect gone from within

Did you pray for me
Rolled twenty in your hand
Powder running low
This wasn't what we'd planned

I prayed for you
Your heart smashed on the floor
The men that were too old
The drugs and your lust for more

I prayed because I love you
And I know you love me too
Deep behind your wounded soul
Life returning back to view

I pray because we are one
We can't survive alone
I pray because you are enough
It's time now, please come home.

The ones you don't see...

We dream dark,
we dream deep,
we dream awake
whilst you sleep.

Reality is our loneliness
Our fantasy is real,
We'll take whatever we can,
just as long as we don't feel.

We live off adrenaline,
we don't know how to not,
We'll do anything it takes,
to make the emptiness stop.

There are many of us living,
but you'll never know who,
We walk, talk and smile,
just like the rest of you.

But our hearts are on fire,
And we need to feel alive,
we're the Clyde to your Bonnie
or the Bonnie to your Clyde.

We only come out at night,
Just as the darkness falls,
there is no point in fighting,
When the darkness inside us calls.

We will jump when we have to,
The stars our ours to take,
We are the writers and the artists,
We hide before you wake

You'll find us in the shadows,
Hidden behind our dreams,
Our minds dreaming of far-away lands,
Our hearts ripped at the seams.

We are misfits, we are outlaws,
the ones that you don't trust,
But if you're lucky to be one of us,
our friendship is a must.

We can not be tamed,
And we never fall in love,
Unless you are the one,
And only then
We never give up.