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All I yearn for is to smile
Without use of force
Want to **** my unhappiness
Can't pinpoint the source

Then life gets worse the more I strive
Don't know what I should do
Hard to see the planet in technicolor
When soaked in shades of blue

All I wanted was within reach
So close could almost touch
Watched it crumble before my eyes
Guess I didn't deserve that much

It is too late to find myself
I am too far gone
Left zero breadcrumbs to retrace
Steps back to the trail I was on

All I longed for was to make my parents proud
Couldn't live up to the task
They hang their heads in shame
Avoiding questions asked

Then life gives different difficulties
Destined for damnation
Appears no matter which path I travel
All lead to the same location

The price to soothe sting of sorrow
Not one cent more than your very own soul
Owe the devil more than I can pay
The debt is taking it's toll

The 'someday' I keep putting off
Might arrive 24 hours too late
Dangerous to gamble with death
I continue to procrastinate

There will come time where I find myself
Backed into some corner
Then must either battle my demons
Or set a date with the coroner

When all I am missing is too challenging to find
Hidden the single place I don't expect
Camouflaged in front of me
Every other place I've double-checked

A little laughter or slightest curve
Of mouth always gives me the slip
Doubt the peace I am desperate for
Ever will rest on my lips

Without my baggage I would be light
Should throw my burdens away
Drifting high into sky like balloons
Wonder how much less I would weigh

The past I play like movie reels
Rewinded in mind
Visiting simpler time and place
Life actually treated me kind

That little fantasy my escape
Reprieve from cruelty I endure
Inclined to believe was exactly as I recall
Honestly I can't be sure

It's time to give up these broken dreams
While I hold pieces hands start bleeding
Scarlet fragments only hold me back
Prevent from succeeding

But for now lift my weary head
Trudge forward best as I can
It's frustrating to navigate this world's twists and turns
Especially without compass or plan

And attempt to muster the necessary courage
To amputate parts of myself I hate
Lack the strength to cut out my weakness
The power to change my fate

If staying where I am stuck in the same spot
I will still be there until I die
It's as if my feet are frozen in cement
Do not understand the reason why

I know am capable of improvement
Because was a better person before
If I was free from chains back then
Who is to say I can't be once more?
Lorenzo Neltje Apr 2021
Too early, too early,
Just always too early,
Time away
From the pull of her hands

I miss you, I'll see you
Sooner than agreed to,
Because I'm desperate
To be away from her hands

Give me time,
Just away from her hands

The slime of her hands
On my skin,
And under it
The smell of her sands
In my brain,
And echoed it's
Of me to run,
Hiding from all of her
Half-cared and throwaway
She wouldn't give a ****

Too early, too early,
I couldn't be
Home today
Need to wait,
For anyone to arrive
I'm a ghost, fallen out of time
Lorenzo Neltje Apr 2021
Messy, messy, messy

Blurry, faded together
Endless piles of to-dos,
Crockery piling up
I just need-

My head
to let me work
I just need to be left idle
please don't leave me idle
I just need-

Just need to be kept busy,
If I can be contorted into
a constant state of distraction
then Everything will get sorted,
Everything is a distraction,
so I can get lost in Everything,
I just need-

To be left alone
for long enough
that I can explain how I feel about
everyone around me,
so I can go through the motions
of everyone's problems,
& Get back to them when I've figured it all out,
I just need-

Don't leave me alone
not for a second,
I can't be trusted,
& it's too loud in my head
when the world gets
q u i e t
Don't ever let it get
q u i e t
I just need-

My heart is not a room for  rent
Or helping hand for hire
Not a bundle of hay or stack of sticks
To blow down or set on fire

And for that I am so grateful
My walls erected high
So far the top not visible
Bricks reaching past the sky

I am not honey melting on your tongue
My body is not an ocean in which for you to drown
I may make you feel like you are on cloud nine
That just means you have further to fall down

I am not your once-upon-a-time
No longer believe in fairytales
Wish I could be your pussycat
But I am a monster with horns and scales

My affection is not a sunset
Have no glow in which for you to bask
I want so badly to love you like you deserve
Too incompetent to accomplish that task

My time is not a rolling wheel
Spinning forward sure and straight
It is a large looming labyrinth
Impossible to navigate

My happiness is not a prize you can win
Although I wish it were that way
Smiles breifly graze my face in your presence
Why can't one find the determination to stay?

My company doesn't play a melody
Loyalty is not a song
Just a sequence of sad lyrics serenaded
But the notes all come out wrong

My soul is not a shooting range
Target not painted on my back
Yet feel as if at any moment
I will be suddenly under attack

My feelings are not a falling star
Shooting from the sky only for you
Nor are they dandelions or eyelashes
I won't make your wishes come true

My attention is a turning top
Twisting and spinning all over the place
I'll make you so dizzy you can't even walk
Then you'll fall right onto your face

My care is a consuming cancer
Killing every last cell
You're better off without my disease
Stay away and your health will stay well

My mind is an active volcano
Over and over erupts with no warning
Sometimes rage bubbles up from within
I can't stop the molten lava from forming

My companionship is a sleepless night
Kept up by thoughts racing in your head
Questions fighting with each other
Unless I am with you in bed

My devotion is a heavy black cloak
Worn like a ball and chain
Weighing down shoulders like sandbags
I don't think you can handle the strain

My efforts are fistfuls of sand
Slipping through your fragile fingers
Gripping so tightly that when you are done
Only a few wayward grains linger

My adoration is a roulette table
Risk getting hurt by my behavior
Yet you gamble anyways despite the fact
That the odds aren't in your favor

My compliments are Band-Aids
To cover wounds inflicted in haste
You'll get cut by words so sharp
I carelessly misplaced

My desire is a running faucet
Full blast with no way to turn it down
Which means eventually if in my proximity
The sink will fill and you will drown

My intimacy is a roller-coaster
Ascending high and dipping low
There will be moments I let my guard fall
But I also harbor secrets you'll never know

I will remain suspended in your throat
A lump too large to swallow
Too tough to chew to pieces
So your stomach still is hollow

My love is thunder and lightning
A storm that never ceases
No matter how calming and comforting you are
The downpour only ever increases
You have no idea how I will destroy you if you let me
Lorenzo Neltje Apr 2021
Chemical imbalance
I can't stop myself being sad,
Maybe I always will be,
But I know I'm getting better;
I've stopped saying that I want to die,
Because I don't.
I've stopped saying I'm the worst,
Because I know it's not true anymore.
I've come back to joke-bragging.
I'm happier.
I can say I'm amazing at writing,
I can take any mundane description,
   And I can make it read like fantasy,
   Like dreams
I can tell you every which way my confidence points in,
I learn like wildfire and don't forget easy,
And this isn't even arrogance yet,
Because I'll always know the difference.

I'm not always happy,
But I'm getting better
I might not be stubborn enough to
   Always push myself further
But I'm taking the steps,
With or without the chemical help I relied on for a year,
Even if that was the only year I found happiness in
Lorenzo Neltje Apr 2021
What can I say, of the creatures I do not remember,
Ambling without form or face or shape?
I know it's beautiful to see,
to listen

How much can I tell you, of the world I've yet to write?
The undulation of waves lapping at eroded shores,
The stars dancing through the sky in showers,
And a thousand tongues stolen,
by the wave of a hand over a
    crystal ball

Escapism is an interesting thing,
You sound so alive when you tell me of
   chemistry in all its
       deadliest forms,
Teach me about suffocation,
or the desert of blue sand & burning rain

Let me show you a new kind of beauty,
The nonsensical,
Emptiness has its own beauty,
Just watching everyone else
fill in the gaps

That's where the fun lies,
   I find
Lorenzo Neltje Apr 2021
Another world, where the stars fly by in scores of showers
And the ocean is cursed with memory that the land cannot keep
Our players enter the scene aboard the Lady Misfortune,
Drowning their toils & allowing the world to drift past.

Until the day black and blue dressed hands drag their nails through the dawning sky & the Sun is sent spinning,
Struggling to protect its precious pet world
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