I had to burn it down
To ever feel it’s warmth
I had to watch it burn to know I’m free
To ever feel ok
I need to feel the smoke in my lungs
To breathe again
To know it’s finally over
And when the ash stains my skin
I will be sated
Only destruction will satisfy me now
Will pacify me now
And silence the rage that screams at me
Constantly
Telling me I need this
Revenge
Telling me to burn it all down
They say it’s best served cold
And I say let them burn

A smile tugs at my lips
Yet a tear falls from my eye
I cannot seem to find happiness
Without endlessly asking why
I had to suffer all I did
And why I suffer still
Have I lost the girl I used to be
Has all the pain broken my will
And changed me into someone else
Someone who’s not quite there
Who’s always a word away from darkness
Who can taste sadness in the air
And I stare into a mirror
And wonder what it is I’ve lost
Has the price of all this been to high
Can I still afford the cost
Is there enough strength left inside of me
To fight this hard each day
Or is this all just futility
My final useless attempt to stay
But I decided I had come to my end
And I felt it in my soul
And now that I have to live with that decision
I don’t believe I ever will be whole
So I take one step after another
And I clasp my hands into fists
I collect together all my remaining pieces
To have the courage to just exist

I grit my teeth as they say your name
Smile like I don’t care
My heart is pounding
I force the lie through my lips
And it burns like poison
You mean nothing to me anymore
What a lie that was

My truth will set me free
Because it has to
I can’t breathe trapped in here
Suffocating on my own anger
Spilling from my eyes
White hot
And it burns me again
As it always has
But I grit my teeth through the pain
As I always have
I deny you the pleasure of watching me suffer
I know that’s what you crave
But you’ll suffer as I have
I promise
Trust my rage

Seeing your face like this
Breaks my heart again
Into a thousand pieces
Scattered carelessly
And I stare at them wordlessly
Because words are lost to me now
I could not describe how I feel right now
So I bite my tongue
To hold off the tears a little longer
Not much longer now
Goodbye my friend
I miss you

I can keep choosing words
To express what I’ve lost
But it’s not complicated
I loved you
It doesn’t matter how
And I don’t know if I’ll ever stop crying
Ever let you go
You’re gone
And I’m broken without you
What’s new?

I’ll have to turn to apathy
Because caring hurts too ******* much