"You're going to make a new one?"

I guess

I am known as a poet

by even the closest of my friends

though I don't consider myself one

because of my obvious inadequecy

and my lack of popularity

and my slightly major depression

please ask me whether

I am a poet

before deciding my fate

when I haven't really smiled in weeks

"You have to eat"

But no, I don't

I've already proved,

That I can survive

without food, without sleep,

living simply on negative emotion

trying to be worth it while

destroying with a worthless body in the process.

So don't say,

that I have to eat

Dear 2020,
"You have to eat." This is probably the stupidest thing Mrs. Ashley has ever said. Does she think simply telling me to eat will fix things? That won't change my mind in the long run.

I crave to go home. I feel, say, "safe".  I want good food, I want my parents, I want anime. I want my room, and more then anything I want Machaela.

I think... Maybe... Do I love her? I think I do. Afterall, I went through all this mostly for her. I simply can't wait to see her again. I could overcome everything for her.

Dear 2020,
I want to die. This time I really mean it. I really do. Tears stream down my face.
   But...
I can't really think of anything to stop myself.
   What if you see Machaela? What if you hold hands? Hug?
At this rate, I'll never get out of here. I just want to die and starve. I'm so fat.
   Maybe...
What else can I conjure up to hide my feelings?
  But what if I am happy in the future!
What if I'm not?

Dear 2020,
Still at Old Vineyard. I'm supposed to be leaving on Tuesday. This is later because I still think of suicide every day. I'm still very anxious. I'm still starving myself.
   I partially want to go home to Machaela, but I know I won't be safe. And I'm really better here, so I guess I'll stay.
   Love,
              Hollin

Dear 2020,
I want to die. I wish I could write that to you a thousand times. No one seems to take me seriously when I say that. I want to cut. I want to die. I'm so tired of dealing with all this, I'm so tired of my Dad, I'm not getting better, and they switched my meds. I can finally draw, but it's terrible. I wish I was dead. I'm so fat. And ugly. I have to starve. Maybe then I'll die. Probably not. I just want to go to the third dimension forever.

goodbye,
                 hollin

Dear 2020,
How are you? I am currently at Old Vineyard. I hope I will be here for a while... I do not think I will be ready to go home anytime soon, to be honest, and I also think about suicide a lot. I'm thinking I will probably go home earlier than I think I should. Of course, there is Harley's boarding school, but it is still school and it is still stressful. Of course, it is stressful even here. I'm stressed every day, all the time, no matter where I am. And it's depressing, especially when people talk about suicide and self-harm. There's an aura of hopelessness here... But why?

Love Always,
                        Hollin