the elephant in the room is one day you will come to pass
I hope there is a heaven for good men
you have been with me from the start
I could never live without you dad

i will carry you in my heart

I was watching October sky in mid July when I lost my self control

It's kind of funny how time goes by and we wonder why and where the **** did it go?

I'm sick of having my friends die
Been thinking of old times
They play like a movie in my brain
Why can't I just close my eyes so time can heal and waste away?


I can't seem to let it go

the road to hell is paved with good intentions
when do i begin to forgive myself from those i have done wrong
was i a blind youth or am i truly evil
i can only blame myself but i've only followed teen impulses
my heart is not my brain but when do i get to claim separation

can i blame it on my youth or is my youth blamed on me

flowing smile rewarded
flowing smile rewarded
love life safe eyes soul
ugly life safe myth light eyes smile
motions despise light life soul
pleased soul myth love pleased shadow soul shadow
ugly life safe myth light eyes smile
motions despise light life soul
pleased soul myth love pleased shadow soul shadow
life safe comfort soul
life light ugly safe
motions love ugly soul
soul rewarded soul motions
motions safe flowing life

The winds of change blow through my hair a simple remainnissance
Like the memory of human touch on soft skin
Like the compiled guilt of sin
Surrounded by expectations and failed attempts

The chapter cannot be ended without lifting the quill
Such a fire like this cannot be started without the tense wood
The light cannot turn on without a thousand tries
And even a suicide cannot occur without a craving to die

This is not a white flag nor a
It is rekindling what was once lit
Putting my skills to the test
Because change cannot happen for those who do not persist

Climbing through the windows of one's soul
It should be thought their sunglasses were stuck deep inside the couch of their home
Because the story cannot be read unless the frames are right
And the past cannot be heard without a sense for tone.

The good die young, there is no simpler way
And the simplicity of innocence, ***** by man's lust
Once heavenly, now dismal at best
Webster's entry burned at trust

Ash remains from the evils of humanity
Fear dwells in the shadows
The forceful transition to reality
Leaves nothing but the deafening blindness of truth

But where the sea meets the horizon
Stands a beautiful phoenix of two
That torches the dark
And mends the heart of loneliness

The beauty of the world is not found in makeup
But merely the naked faces and true inner colors

The happiness of the world is not found in dependent love
But merely the personal security of the soul

The peace of the world is not found by the debasement of all evil
But merely the patience of those eager to settle contrasts

The uniqueness of the world is not found by being different
But merely respecting those who are

The reality of the world is not found through scorning the past
But merely admiring the lengths reaches since

The perfection of the world is not found through dreamed ideals
But merely the belief they can be reached

The world is not found 100 million miles from the sun
But merely on the faces of its amazing children

There are hollow pieces of carbon
With much more depth than skin deep
Where the memories seem to creep
In science, lies bone marrow
But this one human remains hollow

His blood no longer flows
The passive movement of his legs
Is only supported by the intake of kegs
His head is in a constant pound
But he does not even make a sound

His heart is frozen in time
Collapsed in the graves of yesterday
No words are needed to say
Because he knows the clock of his lives
Has severed his innocence & struck nine

The light that illuminated his surround
Drew him like a helpless little fly
Without the possibility to die
Infatuation on the 28th of December
Turns into a time that hurts to remember

Changed by the Earth's full cycle
Left limping by the skin of his teeth
Because she had no intentions beneath
The old tunes are daggers to his sane
To make due, grey matter was drained

The hollow boy in a shell
Stuck in a nightmare with his fears
As his memories burned and seared
Black hollow she left became his brain
And light she turned out became the perpetuating migraine

My warm face stares off and away
The numbness in my eyes
Covers over the words i cannot say
And the spirit in me slowly dies

Adolescence caught up with me
The routines of my life are a smoke
To the internal affairs that no one can see
And the stability I've "had" is a simple joke

The contours of her very face
Are a fading a scar on my brain
My emotions are a hopeless case
And I'm the furthest away from
sane

It's coming close to about a year
And the days just waste away
For I no longer own a tear
The color she gave me has faded to gray.

Times used to pass with years
But it now only haults
The old burns leave sears
it still comes to my faults

The anger intensifies
when i see your stupid face
my fist densifies
it wishes you'd leave this place

I hope your butterflies die
and your knees start to break
kiss your beauty goodbye
and say hello to future mistakes

The abuse you fed
the fake love you gave
will keep you company when you're dead
because you dug my grave.

my ears that once peaked
now go without motion
bones that now creak
move without a single notion

the lively tracks that once were
are broken melodies on a disc
but the memories of her
just can't be whisked

those hazel eyes
i once longed to see
have simply cut their ties
and no longer stare back at me

the hardest goodbyes
are the ones in vain
with untold lies
and two hearts of strain.

Six months ago
      Your soul filled mine
      I could listen to notes
      Without any sign
      Of the death warrant I wrote

Six months later
       Anger fills my veins
       Tears fill my eyes
       I am no longer sane
       I am my own demise

Six months later
       My heart contains pain
       My hand contains a knife
       My attempts were in vain
       My love ended in strife

Six months later
       These pictures bring back memoirs
       These memories bring up thoughts
       These thoughts bring up scars
       These scars; who i sought.

Six months ago*
         Trouble was not the intent
         Tears were not my goal
         Loyalty is what I meant

But six months later                              
          I am no longer whole

Yet again* i find myself sighing
It's all the energy i have here
Because inside i'm dying
But this time, you're not near

Yet again, i find myself crying
it's the buildup of constant anger
you've unleashed from my lying
now the pain must simply linger

Yet again,your ignorance stabs me
your shoves can ****
your hazel eyes cannot see
i'm dying not by my will

Yet again my insides rot
i wish you could see what you do
i hope you miss me a lot
it'll never compare to how i miss you

Your smile* is medication to me
Your story is inspiration to me
Your body is an addiction to me
Your words are hallucinations to me

Your love was what saved me
Your eyes were what enslaved me
Your mind was what craved me
Your tears were what caved me

Your looks are what will conceal me
Your hatred is what will chill me
Your anger is what will fill me
Your departure is what will **** **me

you're the drug i can't detox
you're the blood i can't draw
you've made me the puppy in the box
and this is something he saw.

you're the cramp in my side
the pain comes back when mentioned
you're the ghost of the girl who died
haunting the bad-intentioned

you're an attitude of everything i need
i've got an attitude of craving
you've told me i've been defeated
but my heart is worth saving

i thought deposits would make room
in case i need to withdrew
but was wrong to assume
we couldn't be robbed out of the blue

i've torn myself down
to repay my debts and dues
yet it seems i can only drown
in the conspicuity of your cues

i once dreamt of an earth*
where the blue skies weren't my mind
to you i had worth
your empathy was something i could find

whenever you walk my way
the butterflies come back
i don't know what to say
the lines to heal us are what i lack

my temples pound
my throat aches
your anger is the only sound
my words get lost & my mouth cakes

I cannot back out from this
you're the drug i relapse on
your smile is something i miss
my security is gone

I don't want to believe this is real
cant convince myself you're no more
without your help i just can't feel
you don't need the help of a *****

Remorse is something i dont possess
I deserve this pain
it's impossible to be anything less
because our happiness has is slain.

the gun is on fire
my heart is on target
sitting on a fence of barbed wire
i don't want to forget

i know i hurt you
why does one mistake
destroy my love for you
and outweigh the comprises i made for your sake

i hope your friend is proud
if she was real she'd stay away
her jealousy was so loud
well she finally got her way

many said you never treated me right
i was trying to come clean
my sanity was an enemy in your sight
how can you be so mean

you implanted so much fear
i don't know what would tempt her
my cries for help you couldn't hear
in a love based around your temper

don't tell me i shouldn't use alcohol
where else i have to turn
all i needed was a call
something to heal these burns

i'm not sorry because i got caught
i'm sorry because you cried
you had less than i sought
but you were everything i sought

if you really cared you'd try
if you really cared you'd fight
you wouldn't want to make me die
****, i'm sorry. goodnight.

Hold me back
before i do something i'll regret
before i turn my whole world black
help me, before my mind is set

life is but a torment
without my sense of security
where has my stability went
my inner purity

stop this ******* ridicule
stop it all at once
before i cant cool
about this, i wont be on the fence

shut up when i'm talking to you.
dont push me, ******* *****
i can turn you
into the person who doesn't exist anymore.

Trudging along with a sigh of regret
Living life through ridicules
If there be an answer, find it
We need a way to break this social net
We need to walk on water without getting wet

Self-pity is not it
Adolescence is not our diagnosis
It's something more than tears
We have the wit
To know our shoes cannot be fit

A brain is more than water
Ours are wired to be darkened
It's a constant migraine
Our sanity will be a slaughter
Our mistakes will be my daughters

A soul is more than a ghost
It can burn with a passion
Freeze like a snowfall
It can be the best host
Or it can be lifeless at most

Eyes are keys to humanity
Whether blue, black, green, or brown
They do not tell a lie
Whether the truth be insanity
Or the sight be vanity

We are told we are nothing
We try the hardest
We cry the hardest
We "are never going to be something"
We are everything.

Twenty after three
You're all that's making me smile
My light without the sun
Make this worth while

It's those kind of feelings
Which without lead to the post-love thoughts
With only a depression and ceiling
And your lack of presence would only add to those taunts

You're the one I need
After being alone for so long
You pulled me from my anchor like a ****
You're the only reason I can be strong

Your eyes can make everything clear
Your smile shoots straight through
Your voice is a soft touch to my ear
With the four words "I love you, too."

I walk along these empty roads
No reflection to see
just a world made from code
In this world dwells me

is there anyone out there
my thoughts began to soar
i always wonder where
even though there's 7 billion more

Something caught my eye
It made me stop and think
What is she doing around this guy
My heart did everything but sink

The girl of my dreams
Is in the palm of my hands
the only one in world that matters
She was a diamond in the sands

Boo hoo
wahh wahh wahh
stop treating me like i live in shoe
sometimes my failures to please you make me sad

don't tell me to get over it
i don't think you know my plans
do whatever you see fit
call me a ******* coward with my head in the sand

you don't know until you're me
the stress i hold inside from today
you really can't see
i'm trying to do it your way

i can't help being walked over
i can't help being unreliable
don't say i'm crazy about some lover
because you, my parents, are liable

you make me want to cut
embrace my failures even more
you make me crazy and scared but
where do i put this Anger you make me store?

Here, take this note
Ever so depressed
And angry, i tell you my complaints
Reality says they're threats of death
Tear me apart, won't you?
Lies, lies, all these fibs
Even in lowest points, you
Still cannot live with what you are.
Sick to my stomach, you make me.

there's a place and time
where everything is alright
there could be no death or crime
no feelings are locked up tight

a sanctuary only reached
in the darkest of night
it cannot be breached
for a moment everything is alright

away from all pain
the way things used to be
where you can be insane
but you can also be free

nothing can harm you
it will be okay
you'll be there in a few
close your eyes, and dream away.

I may be hated
i may be hurt
but still waited
to realize it was HIM who was kicked to the dirt

we might complain
we may think we have it bad
but we don't really know pain
like this fighter once had

struck by some of his peers
scarred himself to the bone
that didn't stop his fears
he couldn't even go home.

some tried to fix him
and hold him up
most tried to break him
using "******" like he was a ****** dump

this one goes out to that one soul
that i never knew
who never reached his goals
but lived his heart out, too.

down on his knees
fighting till he was deadened
in the end, he was eased
may he rest in peace, his soul is in Heaven

RIP Quaddy, You're A Hero To All...

you up?
hey it's me
that sad, lonely dump
the one you CAN'T see

no one cares
not even me
they say love is in pairs
but it's more than feelings, gee

yeah i text you
so?
be glad you have someone who
truly loves you; doesn't treat you like some ***

thrown away and used
Hurt and hurten'
scarred and bruised
downed and burdened

any adjectives could describe how
but i can't describe why
i think i know now
it's you who makes me wanna die

remembering when happiness
was just around the corner
no constant need to press
the word used least was loner

they call this depression
i say its repeating
it's a succession
of my confidence depleting

My life is endangered
My wrists are severed
My mind is angered
And my past tremorred.

My friends will have to live
Without that useless dull light
All i've done is give
I'm not winning this fight

With a .9 in my hand
I put down my knife
All my memories, hope, and dreams crumbling to sand
A final relapse on my life

There was one girl
The only thing my loved had ever touched
She was my world
Her perfect face, fading as she watched

I think of her smile
Standing by her house
I make it worth while
She comes near me quiet as a mouse

She's not her usual joy
She's filled with great despair
She's never cried over a boy
My heart says she doesn't care...

Secretly she loved me
I could see from the tears in her eyes
At least she was there to see
My Last Goodbye.

Love can be scary
It can bring someone up
Can make them weary
Can make someone wanna throw up

It's a dagger that cannot be seen
A whip that cannot be heard
Amazing but also mean
It can shoot you down like a bird

The worst is when it doesn't go two ways
The pain is incomparable
Your heart's in a blaze
She makes you feel so unstable

Hiding the pain
Behind a bright smile
You've gone insane
This scar's going to last a while

It is the most ******* up form of paradox
The most confusing form of emotion
Tricker than a cunning fox
The weight of your sorrow feels more than a ton

But you're not the only one
To fall victim to the dove
Many others are done
We've all fallen under this fatal spell called love.

I took a look at my life
And what i saw made me feel so alone
I was taken hostage by a knife
So depressed, the old me is unknown

Just organs and oxygen
A lifeless sac of skin
Being this way is surely a sin
Because my heart is as empty as a tin

What shall my frail body ever do?
Maybe some blood will satisfy
It's over a girl, unfortunate but true
All i want to do is die...

Why i asked
Why you asked
Why they asked
Why did my feelings have to be masked

It was my only chance
My only hope
I take one last glance
Will i see tomorrow? Nope.

A gun or a knife
A rope or pills
Just something to take my own life
I cant even think, theres no chills

She entered my mind
Right before i cut
She must've been blind
Because now she's in a suicide rut

I cry, cut, and scream once more
Pull my finger on the gun
All because of some stupid *****
Who thought breaking my heart was fun.

there's a place no one knows
a place where light is not
only the blood from my wrists shows
where the pain was shot

in the depths of the mind
in the deepest abyss
only sadness you will find
no beauty, love, nor bliss

the demons hide there
making us think we weren't right
believing it was fair
taking away all our fight

All i do is think
All i do is fake a smile
Because she gave me a wink
Because she said she would stay for a while

It was a lie
Or was it?
Whatever it is; it makes me wanna die
I feel thrown into a pit

That one message in my head
Haunts me in my sleep
Who the **** wants me dead?
All these wounds make me so weak

Sure it was a breakup
I guess you stayed true
I doubt she'll ever wanna make up
But all i ever did was love you

everyone has their stories to be told
some of them live happily
some of them will grow old
however you haven't read the story that belongs to me

problems stacking on
my life is just a big heavy sigh
the weight of the world feels like tons
should i just say goodbye?

if i were to leave this place
if i were to see my end
there would tears in my face
my hands on the steering wheel, and some alcohol to attend

or it could through a jump
or with swallowing pills
just anything to make this pain to stopped being pumped
and to make my mind rest in flowers and hills

They say we need things to live
Oxygen, food, and water
But this one, to have, I would give anything
They forgot that I need her

Doesn't run track
But she runs through my mind
Her pretty face keeps me coming back
That girl is one of a kind

Her biggest rival
Is own her judgment
Trying for her is like fighting for survival
But I’m ready to be sent

Did you say something?
Sorry, all I could think of was her face
She can fix my broken wings
And can make my heart race

I keep pacing through my mind
I keep thinking of what we could be
I wonder who I could find
What will I see?

Oh great, all I found are feelings
Just another thing to ruin my nights
Take me away, give me wings
And then make me lose these fights.

No one sees my face behind closed doors
They’re focused on their chances
But to me; they’re simple little ******
Doing their girly, fake little prances

That pretty much describes my life
Just a jar of broken dreams
My happiness hit with a knife
Stuck in one big friendzone, it seems

Everything my feelings can give goes to you
I can’t even put it into words
You’re everything and more,
You make my life into a blur

You mean the world to me
There’s your perfection, and the rest is obsolete
Everyone should just let you be
You’re simply just too sweet.

Without you, my world is gray
The truth is I wish you were mine
You take my breath away
Together we’d be divine

If I could only say those five simple words
I’d be on a level of happiness no one could ever touch
It would attract singing birds
You and me together, I’d like that very much

you push me away
it only makes me want you more
i wish you could stay
i hurt straight down into my core

i thought everything was okay
until i called your name
you're making me go the wrong way
just like i'm a little piece in your game

so who i am i to you?
it's not like i exist
i'm definitely not your boo
but no matter who i am, the pain still consists

Please tell me why
Why I should cut this rope loose
All I want to do is die
I don’t want a weak excuse.

All I’ll ever be is a waste of time
The wise words of most
They've squeezed my self-esteem out like a lime
If you want to watch a suicide, I will gladly host

What’s this bleach for?
I’m respectfully giving a toast
I cannot take anymore
You’ve hurt me the most

Here’s to the friends that left me
To the people who put me down
It’s too bad they could not see
How much they made me drown

Bottom’s up
So is my life
I drink this cup
There I go, no more pain, struggle, or strife