Sirena

Sirena Dec 2015

The blue in the sky suddenly had been taken away and replace with colors that scream anger
I try to touch... That heart of yours
Your big smile the one that I felt in love with..it seems painful on your face
We are laying here listening to rain that no longer brings nostalgia, because it sounds like earth is throwing rocks at us
I try to touch... Again
But you're solid under the layers of skin
and I feel the rocks fall on my chest..every single one
I'm trying
I feel myself lose air, while I feel you gaining it
Your smile is back and for a second the rocks feel like actual rain
Your heart beats they are back as well
But you're not smiling because of me and your heart doesn't beat for me
I'm losing
Air
I am nothing while you feel like everything
I'm breathless now, I feel dizzy and I also feel pain
This pain I have never felt
I gave myself to you
Half and then half my heart is what you got
I watch you walk away with all of it
But suddenly the sky is not angry
And the rain feels like rain
I was keeping you in, I was the toxic one this time
now I'm heartless
I look for love in things that can only love me back
you left me heartless
I can only love things that can't change
you made me weak
I'm too broken,too weak
-S.A.M.M

Sirena Dec 2015

Sharon

Everytime I try to write about you something stops me
I think I know why now, you broke my heart beautiful
I was never in love with you so how, how does that make sense?
I loved our friendship
We had the strongest bond
So alike that somehow we felt like opposites
I regret our first kiss, and that text
I also regret lying to you
I wasn't ready
but don't worry
I still have love for you
There are days like these when I can't help but wish that I was in your room watching movies and talking about our parents
You 13 and me 14
I doubt that we will ever be how we were
Things are so different now and sometimes that hurts
You were the bestest friend, literally my shoulder to cry on, and it makes sense as to why we thought that it would be okay to try dating
And yes I do, I do regret our first kiss, and that text
Just how I regret lying to you
Because I was not ready
And you definitely don't need to worry I will always have love for you beautiful
-S.A.M.M

Sirena Dec 2015

Logan

We kissed two days ago
The world stopped
Ever since then you have been consuming my every thought
I don't understand what's wrong with me
But I keep on asking myself if it's really possible to fall in love in less than a month?
-S.A.M.M

dec. 4th

Sirena Nov 2015

Worst Enemy

Depression for a positive individual is like this

At first you don't even realize that you're depressed
Because you are naturally good at mostly seeing the good
But then laughing starts to hurt so you stop laughing so much
At 3am it wakes you up
And then again at 5am
But it doesn't let you get out of bed until 12pm, or maybe 1pm, or maybe 2pm
Days are so short and so are the long nights
You tell yourself that you are just upset and wake up the next day "motivated" to be better so that you could feel better
You lie to yourself
You are positive
But depression starts to follow you around you start to see it when you are having a good time out with some friends
You feel it watch you try to sleep
And then you find yourself watching TedTalk videos, funny comedies, and they actually help
Because you are such a positive person
But then
You feel this hole deep inside you aching with sorrow and wrath
And laughing is just impossible
3am becomes hell and so does 5am because depression took your sleep
And one moment you feel like you're on top of the world but the next these suicidal thoughts creep into your brain

Depression for a positive individual like me it's like

At first of course I ignore it
I don't admit the fact that I'm actually more than just upset because I'm naturally positive
And then I treat it as if it's nothing big
But hours turn into days that later turn into months
Most days I feel "happy" but at night when it's just me and my thoughts, I am not allowed to sleep
And if I do get a good sleep my days do not have any sun light, or rainbows
One moment I am the happiest person in the world
But the next I can barely get out of bed

Depression for everyone is like

A dark shadow that later on becomes all of you
An enemy that eats you alive, slowly but so painful that
You cry start to cry empty tears
Headaches are migraines
Friends, family, lovers, are hard to please so they are ignored
Because you feel ignored
It is the empty feelings that become your mornings and nights
And it's hard to understand
No one understands that just because you had a good day
It doesn't mean that tonight you will get any sleep
No matter how positive you decide to be depression lets you know every night that it is indeed better than you
Because you are, your own enemy
We are our own enemies and who knows to hurt us better than us?
Depression you
Depression me
And no matter how positive you are
Depression will try its hardest to win
to break you into pieces
And even after you are better
a part of you would forever be a part of depression
-S.A.M.M

#depression #worst #enemy

Nov 2015

Theia Gwen

I fell out of love

Anorexia was the most attentive
Girlfriend anyone could ask for
And I fell hard for her
I fell for for 500 calories a day,
The sense of control it gave me
Compliments from girls I'd never talked to before
Doctors so pleased that I was finally "healthy"
That feeling,
Of stepping on the scale
And realizing that I took up less space
Than when I'd stepped on the day before
The feeling of water hitting an empty stomach
The hunger pangs
That secretly thrilled me
The thrill of the lies
The ones that became ever so easy
To slip off my tongue
The thrill of a secret love affair with death
I fell for an abuser
I fell...
Literally
Bruises lined my body
From bumping into walls
Because my body was so
Malnourished I couldn't
Walk down a hallway
Fell down a rabbit hole-
Fell down into a world I couldn't escape-
Thigh gaps, thinspiration, tips and tricks to
Hide this wonderland in your head
Walking headfirst into Anorexia was like walking
Into a haunted house
It's fun and exhilarating at first
It's a game, it's harmless
And then you realize that the doors
Are barred and it dawns on you
That ringing the doorbell of death
Was not the best idea
I am a study in skinny does not make you happy
The 5 pounds you wanted to lose
Turns to 10
Turns to 20
Turns to...
I am a study in
Every inch of your body being a warzone
Of standing in front of a mirror
Seeing nothing but a piece of meat
Taking up too much space
I am a study in calculation
I am a study in lying
I am a study in not dead, but not alive
I am a study in starvation
I am a study in falling out of love

Nov 2015

Kj

dating a writer

dating a writer
is like guessing the weather.
you think you know what you'll get,
but you never do.

you never know
because

she'll create a hero
from your weaknesses

and she'll write a great character,
from every last flaw.

she'll create a thousand plots
from your worst nightmares.

she'll take every last thing you hate
and create something you'll love.

she'll turn your anger
into confessions of adoration,

and she'll make you,
everything you're not.

but worst of all,
she'll leave you wondering-
is it you she's in love with,
or things she's created from you?

but here's the beauty of it:

if you date a writer,
you'll never die.

Sirena Nov 2015

Me

I decided that you and me
Can't be an us
You are not like me
And though, once upon a time our differences attracted each other, it united us to become one
I can't no longer live with this fact
You're the old me
Selfish, immature, dramatic, impatient, unable to love yourself
My counselor told me that we do this thing where we don't allow ourselves to see the truth until we are ready
I honestly don't know how ready I am to have days and nights without you
But I do know that I am ready for long hours of meditation, alone
For days and nights, alone
Allowing myself to grow
Allowing myself to fall, to learn
To love me, to appreciate me
I just hope that you as well grow, that the hate that you feel towards me becomes what it was before, love...
-S.A.M.M