Dear nobody

I know that you are there

I can feel you speak to me when I’m in deep thought and When my heart is distraught

When my eyes go foggy and I can’t seem to see what’s in view

Or when I reach my hand out in front of me and nothing is there

it’s you

I can hear you in my ears through all my favorite songs

I close my eyes and realize nobody is there all along

I can hear you telling me to stay calm when there’s a storm all around me

I would like to sit and be alone but still again you’ve found me

In a distant call I whisper

To nobody who always cares

My favorite person is nobody because nobody is ever there....

I have raced back and forth in my mind replaying every moment i ever spent with you...

I have traced every memory from start to finish slowing the the times I would see your smile and fast forwarding the days we cried....

And every trace of memory I slip through my finger tips I hold tightly to feelings my heart felt with you...

9/23/06
The day you walked through the doors with a smile on your face and the sun lightened up every highlight in your hair...

From that moment I knew this girl was everything I wanted to know from thoughts that soaked and waited in the creases of her brain to the sound of her heart beat that pumps through her veins

Do you understand this feeling?
The feeling of vulnerability allowing your very being to be joined with mine allowing your very words to touch my soul and every rip of hurtful words that strikes me i create excuses to allow you in again

Can you feel that?
With every time that passes with out you I've forgotten everything I never wanted to from the way the song bubbly by colbie makes you smile and the way you've never sneezed past 6 consecutive times before
Or how you can't stand the taste of fried chicken

Stripped of strips of memories of moments I hold close to me and tied in to my life you have no clue....
The hurting it takes to no longer have what was once there and it isn't fair that the music we've listened to still plays every where I go so every time that they're on I'm reminded again of the times we've danced like idiots in the car or the times I screamed at the top of my ****** lungs

"can we go back to the day where love was strong"  

Cause at the times those words meant nothing but now they make more sense than ever before as I'm sitting watching days roll by getting closer to another day without you my kids no longer ask for you my daughter won't even ask to speak about you

And then there's me
I have waited seconds that turned to days and days that felt like seconds for those fingers to interlock with mines and I realize again

You don't deserve what I'm destined for anymore
Yet I love you

Blank mind and blind eyes...

Things I wish to have when I see holding hands and newly couple laughter...

Marriage...

A beautiful thing really...

But now my life is filled to see pure destruction..

Just a volcano waiting on its day for the massacre of its self eruption...

My very parents lied in my face every night as they would try and comfort me holding me tight hoping my eyes don’t realize what’s unraveling before me..

They were falling apart....

Yet in my world they were perfect together like birds and the bees and they moved swiftly through any situation like the way wind blows through the trees....

But just like Mother Nature works in a cycle I slowly became to realize that my parents were a prime example of “not everything is perfect”

6th grade with no phone and no worry in the world but to make it home on time...

I began to feel it...

Those early morning of getting dropped off kissing my mother on her cheek telling her I love her began to drift....

Disappearing before my eyes like holding sand through the ocean..

The long 5 minutes of waiting by the back gate for her to pick me up became absent....

Excuse after excuse but to her they were reasons I slowly became depending on myself..

Who at the time that’s all I had yet you’d never guess I was sad cause this cheesy kid hid behind those wide cheeks and reused jokes....

Lost in confusion searching for conclusion as to why the most perfect thing I see in the world will not be...

I began to search for someone I can have for a lifetime because what Love came to me seemed To be a feeling that’s only  momentary from a drive that’s merely temporary cause people can’t seem to find a way to keep themselves satisfied

Those birds became vultures eating and picking into dead weak flesh

Those bees became maggots seeping out of the trash of lost love

The wind was silent

The trees withered away in decay

Marriage...

A beautiful thing really...

And there it is
Another call another text from someone who will never be you
Someone who can't be you
But I give in again wanting the affection of someone who simply just won't be you
But I try again
till reality hits me in the face aching every emotion that becomes physical
Straining and pulling me apart slowly after I put myself together
Why?
Why do I let you do this to me after you left me?
Why do I hurt still when the pain should be on you?
Why has time not healed me?
I didn't ask for this
I didn't pray for this
I didn't stay up late nights taking care of you for you to one day leave me
For you to one day destroy everything I lived for
The long hours I stayed up watching the beauty of you sleep
I didn't run away from family to one day watch this come to waste
But wait there it goes again
Another text....
Another call......
From someone who will never be you