It's not black, like everyone tells you
It's a very odd kind of gray
With a touch of light even
Some parts clean
Some parts stained

They all make it seem like a romanticised hell
To me it doesn't even look like that
To me it looks like home
Familiar and yet so alone

I see the sunlight and the floor
The soft sheets on the bed
The lines of lights that come through the door
All the tears made the pillow wet
That didn't matter though  

Once in a while
I drive past that house
I try to see my bedroom window
But my brain just shuts it out
It wasn't even the worst room of all
But this one, was where I howled

Memories are like a story
A book that lost some pages
Through the garden, through the hallway
You go through all the different places
Nostalgia and fear
Are a combination with some monstrous faces

During the nights I was afraid
But the days
Those were the ones that really should be feared
Maybe that's why I now love the night
During the day I always bleed

A never ending maze.
An unsolvable case.

Cries in the night.
Cyanide should work out fine.

Such a long time
But I still can't see the light.

So alone in this world
I actually need the hurt.

Suicidal as hell
Ever since I fell.

And maybe I will cry tonight
Or maybe I will die tonight.

I can't get up
The struggle is too real
Should go take a shower
Wash my hair
And it'll be fine.
But the thoughts in my head
Do not agree
Stay here,
inside you're dead.
Stay in the couch
It's safer here.
But I wanna get up
And do something useful
'cause I already am
so cruel to myself.
Haven't showered in days
But why should I care about that
anyways?
Thinking about
Sliding the knife across my skin
Would it then
be better within?
No, yes, I don't know
The thoughts in my head
make me feel like I'll explode
Help me, help me
I want control.
I wanna take a shower
get out of this hole.

I can't do this
Not alone
But waiting for you
to get back
makes me feel bad even more.
I wanna do it for you
So we can go to the store
Go shopping together
I want even more

I want to lay here with you,
actually smelling nice
Because I feel so useless.
Couldn't even do the dishes
Couldn't even clean the house
It's so hard for me
Don't have the energy
But I know that I should
I just have to get up,
but see,
there's that problem again..

Sometimes I go back
to the deepest part of my mind.
Where everything is black
and self hate is all I can find.

It scares me to know
that sometimes I can't control
how my mind can blow
into one ******* hole.

Don't start thinking,
don't start thinking.
Oh, wait.
I'm already doing that.

I can get so sad
Not like other people do
It's really really bad
I can only share it with you.

Always at the borderline
testing out
to see if you're still mine

While I don't want this at all
If I lose you,
I can tell you, I will fall.

Again, not like other people.
With me, it's different
and it will always be that way.

And god, I can get so happy
To the point where everything I say is sappy
but that doesn't matter
'cause I will always be, at the borderline.

No one hates me more than I hate myself.
I wanna get up, get razors from a shelve.
Depression hits me again
sadness, is my new friend.
Everything scares the hell out of me
can’t do anything right
voices screaming
I can’t stand up and fight.
I should’ve died
the first time I tried.
But they locked me up
in a place so dark
I could not breathe.
Scars never stay,
they always fade away.
It ***** because I was getting better
but I think I’ll stay in darkness forever.
Voices come in,
don’t leave me alone.
I’m dead inside.
Nothing but bones.
Don’t know how to talk
can’t communicate at all
only through writing
but who wants to read this ****?

Enjoying it
For as long as it takes.
Trying to believe you
When you say this isnt fake.

You mean so much to me.
You're my hero, best friend.
You have a piece of me.
I just dont want this to end.

I'm so afraid
Paralysed with fear
That you will leave me
That you won't always be near.

Because you make me so happy.
Like I can fight the whole world.
This poem though, is getting sappy.
So I will leave it with these last words.

I wish I could stay
I didnt wanna go
But I need to be home
Far, far away.

Missing you is so hard right now
And the week hasn't even started yet.
I'm so afraid that the distance will make you forget.
Make you forget me somehow.

I dont know how to do this without you.
Seeking distriction
Gives no satisfaction
Because it's not you and what you do.

Tears falling down
Since I stepped on this train
The pain will remain
Until I'm with you friday night.

I tried to keep strong all day
Had some tears in my eyes
Pretended I was okay
Although I knew you could see past it.
Smiled when I came home
To see my pets again
.But first thing I did was get my phone
To know if you are fine.
I'm always afraid something might happen.
One kiss instead of two
Might bring death to you.
Always thinking
Nothing helps, not even drinking.
And I miss you. I miss you.
I kept strong all day.
But now I'm in my bed.
Without your soft touch
And your warm breath.
I'm so cold
Yet I feel like burning
Because panic is inside
And I can't stop crying like a ******* child

Looking for a bottle
Nothing here to find
Feeling the need to get totally wasted
Inside my head it's already a dark night

I'm on my knees
With a knife in my head
Waiting for the voice
To say I should be dead

Please dont say goodbye
Remember when you said hi?
It was the best day of my life.
Now it's me, myself and my ****** knife.

Living on the edge right now
I miss you and feel bad somehow.
Wanna to slice in
Cave in, **** the demon within.

And it's only two more days
Before I get to see your beautiful face
But it's too long
And I dont know if I can hold on.

But I know blood won't solve
It won't solve how I feel right now.
And death won't evolve
It won't evolve my life anyhow.

But I still wish for the knife inside
Slitting my wrist, nothing to hide.
Me in a box, carried away
On my own funeral.
I'll be dead soon anyway.

Knifes are still screaming at me
The light that shines upon them
Begging me to cave in
To cave in across my skin
Until the skin turns red
And the blood flows out, slowly.

The voice keeps whispering
That I should cut before he leaves
To prepare myself
For the pain and the loneliness
For the darkness that will talk to me again.

They say I should go
And be inpatient again
To torture myself
To tear my own heart

They even say
I have to lie to him
Just so he would leave
And I would be home
In the darkness of my mind
The deepest part
Only he has found.

And the fear is paralizing.
No more realizing
Of the happiness I found
Every time
His voice is the sound
The only sound in the cold room I'm in.

And some part of me
Wishes to save him
And another part
Wants him to save me
From my own dark cloud
The dark cloud, I myself
have made.

And I have to cave in
But I don't want to disappoint him.
But the voice won't stop.
And it's killing me from inside out.