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SEM Nov 2015
It hurts as bad as it did back then,
back when we used to play
And I wrote about my ways

Stanzas and lines composed how I felt
But even that has failed me now
As I sit beside myself,
I long for you

Because all I am, longs for you
And all I do is suffer
My emotions all over the place like I'm 16

And no one in a decade has ever made me
Feel the way I feel,
for you
SEM Nov 2015
So here it goes again.
Like a bad nightmare
My body is longing
Anxious
In so many ways
I've cried twice in the past
Ten times more for you

Because I know what I want
And what I will do are different

I am a responsible adult
Void of emotions
Full of logic.
He's...
Perfect.
You are flawed.

You reach out and
All I feel are emotions
Crippling emotions
Anxiety about my
Craving
for your touch
Wanting to love you
Heal you

He is flawless
In everyway my compliment
Except I can not reciprocate
His undying devotion

What is wrong with me?
Feels like a choice between
My best friend and my heart
SEM Nov 2011
Black and white as real as life
Defying what we know,
To say what we don’t
Spelling out every word
To define what we are.

Life is made up of little words
That make up a big picture,
Some only see the words
Others see the picture

I see the look upon your face
As though it says,
Love me now, love me dear
And don’t let go at any cost.
SEM Nov 2011
Why did God give me to you?
If for no other reason then,
To rip my heart out again?
This seems to happen to me,
Over,
And over,
And over
Again
Do you find no pleasure in
The past you have given me,
The pain you have caused me?
Yet still you feel the need to destroy,
Not my life, for you‘ve kept that around far to long,
But the things I want,
You rip them out of my hands
And toss them far out of my reach,
I’m tired of fighting,
I’m tired of complaining,
I like the complacent of happiness,
But this you never seem to give it to me for long.
If you take this away from me now,
You understand its back to the bottle,
And the fire to my lips

You understand, don’t you?
Now leave me alone.
SEM Nov 2011
I snapped
Not in the way you
   expected
Not with tears and
   emotions
But with irreverence for
   etiquette

Stealing a kiss from him
A touch from her (I've lost count now)
Till my heart is drained
And my head is in pain
Then I remember you, and
How I spiraled out of control
Looking out of this hole you started
At least I'm alive (down here)
SEM Nov 2011
Here are something's you really should know...
& I'm sorry you did not get the memo.
But girls and boys love like they should.
And you could to.
Come out of your shell.
Its time to play.
Forget all the glory in this day.
Just stand up tall.
And proclaim to them all.
That you and I are ok.

The summers gone
The winters to come at last.
Say my love the words I wish to hear.
And do not tempt my fear.
For fear is what I fear myself.
Keep the wind at bay so I can not hear.
The words you intend to say.
Say you've gone and come away.
From those things make you look that way.
I miss you my dear.
Please come back.

Was the sky so blue
And the earth so round
That I forgot to turn my frown upside down?
Those words I say are true,
And the sky was blue.
But in the end it did not matter.
The end is near
So give yourself over to cheer.

It just came out
And about
And the truth my dear is all I fear is contained in yourself.
Say my dear the words I wish to hear.
Though they are old and worn out.
For my fear is soon to be here.
And all my time has run out.
SEM Dec 2015
One in the hand is better
than two in the bush

What?!

One in the hand…

Louder!

A sure thing is better than a bet.

Yes.

But how do you ever feel alive?

You don’t.
Its an investment.
It’ll pay off when your 80.
Its bonds verses the stock market

Sort of, its more valuable.
Its your heart.

And last time you were in charge you were rather
Careless

But I’m fun.

We were shattered on the ground.
And you want to make the stakes higher

So the return will be large!

Or we will lose everything.
SEM Dec 2013
"Friends make life worth living"
Feels like I wrote that a life time ago

I do not have any friends
I am alone, an island

My other half is self-centered
And I too insecure
To be alone - within my own mind
hatred creeps up the walls
and down the corridors.

Decisions
To fly the coop
cliche saying fly at night

Or live staring my insecurity in the face
Regretting doing what is expected.
I always do what is expected
expected - not what I want
I have lost my humanity

And in all I am alone
and ashamed.
SEM Nov 2020
Can you read this?
Can you see me.

I feel like I have not been seen
In a decade.

My thoughts fly
Like a pen on paper

I love you

But those words
Are trapped in my throat

Just let me be kinda to you
Spend time with you

So I have a memory
To look back on
SEM Dec 2015
I can't go backward.
So I must go forward.
I see nothing outstandingly exciting.
Last year was a blissful time.
Is that because I was ignorant?
Ignorant of what could be?
Ignorant of what I could lose?
Ignorant of what I could gain?

Now I think:
This,
This is what’s meant to be.
Come at me like a roaring lion,
I can take you.
SEM Nov 2011
I looked at Ralph
and though
I am not myself
I have become a monster

but maybe I have not been myself for years
And I am just realizing who I am
And what I was missing

A wild child
leased upon the earth
laughing at scorn
behaving like a man
[in many manners of the word]
forgetting her etiquette
and loving every minute of it
you can only be young once
is her chant
you can only be young once
SEM Nov 2011
Frustrated beyond words.
Is this what you hoped for,
is this the world?
Confusion massed at my door,
I wish I could think no more,
no heart left to beat,
it has been beaten out of me.
Life times have passed and gone,
yet I sit here, watching, waiting, for the dawn.
Gun
SEM Dec 2015
Gun
With my hand on the trigger
And my eye on the die.
Lets play this f'in game

You be the star.

And I'll say the name.

Whatever makes me strong,
I will live on
I will never move on,
I will never love another [like you]
SEM Nov 2011
I sold my soul to a traveling caravan
And there my heart did play.

Sitting in a harp
Waiting for a trap
To make love fall its way.

Love is a word
Which sparks these hurts
From this fallen day.

I wish
I had something
To make love fall this way

Love is sticky, for we all know it true
Some days you just have to sit back,
And wait for love to find you.
SEM Nov 2015
Forget me not
As the sun sets
And I grasp your hand tighter

Remember me forever and ever
As the water carves out
Two separate rives
Diverging into two tributaries

That we were once one
And we have grown
Into something better
Than that of what we once were

And you will become something great
Of that which we write poems about.
SEM Nov 2011
I am
meant
to be alone
with my thoughts
and letters
my paper
and pen
only
SEM Apr 2012
To write
Is to live
To know
to exist

Nothing is simple
But it is
The truth is simple

Reading in the night
By candle light
Stories flashed out
A hero
A ******

A twist
A fall
And we dance on
Different directions
Respect is payment
For the injustices
A bill that will never be filled
By you
But another

Wresting with myself
I was with a chameleon
a lizard, brother to a snake
What was I thinking?
I was crazy in pain
From my last over dose

To take more pills
or not?
I deserve to feel this sting
Several poems I have written use the words 'drugs' and 'pills.' Because potential employers are probably looking me up online I would like to be clear that love is my drug - it gives high highs and very low lows. So when I bring up this imagery of doing pills and such - its coming down from love, and the earth shattering - gasping pain that crushes my chest.
SEM Feb 2012
eyes carrying baggage
everyday
and through the night

thoughts consume me
desires to be somewhere else
anywhere else

grinning and bearing it
guilt,
fear,
wisdom bought with experiences
laughter to hide the pain
broken but not defeated
there is struggle still within
SEM Dec 2015
My eraser has worn out ages ago.
I'm half way through the book.
But no matter what happens I keep writing down.

The pages of my life are filling up fast.
You may have a chapter, you may not.
SEM Nov 2011
In my head, I'm not good
At pretty much anything.

'specially living

I mess it up, all the time

Laugh at the wrong parts


My timings off

I'd never change it tho

because that would
destroy who I am.
SEM May 2012
i've made mistakes
i've hurt many
and I want to forget the pain I've caused

I drink into oblivion
to forget their smiles
the way they made me feel

how they hurt me
and how I blamed me
i miss being young, i miss the emotions

i miss being able to mess up.
as you get older,
the stakes are raised,
I want to giggle, and forgive
but i can't even forgive myself.
SEM Jan 2012
I got lost in the south

lost in my anger
for racism
sexism

I wanted to kick
fight

then I remembered
things that affect me are the things I allow
SEM Nov 2011
A Zealot Beauty,
Young Cat,
Xerxes Dolts,
Witting Earnestly the Very Ulterior Feelings,
Truly God Signs Her Rights Into
Quacksalver
Just Pretending Killing Omnipotence Leads New Money
The creature defined in my poem is a women, her aim is to **** the Persia king Xerxes.  According to the history books Xerxes was actually murdered by Artabanus, the commander of the royal forces.  So in my fictional story Artabanus employs the help of a female doctor to **** the king.  Quacksalver is a term referring to someone who falsely claims to be a doctor; in this case it is the beautiful women.
If you notice the very odd form to my poem - the first word begins with an A and the 3 words begins with a B and so on.  In the opposite fashion the second word begins with a Z, and the fourth with a Y and continues with every even word doing the alphabet backwards.  The poem finally ends when the forward alphabet choice and the backward alphabet hit at M.
SEM Dec 2015
One day the truth will be told,
In the blood ally,
As it always has been,
Where day and night will have no friend.
To the end they sing,
That death is just the thing,
To push two love birds into the nest,
To give love its very last breath.

For commitment is just the thing,
That despite the words we say,
Love will rue the day we meet.
For fear was in the mind
And love on the fly,
To catch the nearest eye
For soon we will all die.

So admit the love you have,
For the time we have is short,
Is it true or is it false?
To say it on the tip of the tongue,
Its like a yip, or a yell.
Come out, in full force,
And say today, that all I fear for:
Love, life and misery have come true.
SEM Dec 2011
I want to melt into you

forget
the pressures

just melt

into

you
SEM Feb 2012
i look in, and see myself
messed up, in all the wrong places
emotions on a roller coaster

irrational, impulsive, incoherent

yet,
masculine

opposites attract,
and you sir
are not mine
SEM Dec 2015
Welcome to my little bit of heaven
There are spots and decays

Welcome to my little bit of heaven
I hope your're here stay.

The traffic here has been in the negative persuasion,
See more people leave then stay.

Welcome to my little bit of heaven,
Oh, hi grim,
Who are you stealing next?
From my little bit o heaven?
SEM Mar 2012
you said that

you want me to ****** you

that you want me

only me

you said that

but i have nothing left (for you)

my insides are rattling around

you want me to feel?

I have become onyx

I have become a stone.
SEM Oct 2015
The vessel is empty
Animation comes from another
Projecting on to you
So you feel love
I am empty
For your happiness
SEM Mar 2012
I see you there
the lack of body
the lack of hair
you are wearing thin

you have no one else to turn to
and you turned to her
I see your view point
I see why
but I refuse to care anymore
you have my pity
and that is all
SEM Sep 2015
I've lost my soul you see,
at the bottom of the see sea c.

For a paltry sum of a few wishes
and a ***

I've gotten everything I've ever wanted
and I'm left wanting
SEM Nov 2011
I don’t fall in love.
Its just one morning, I wake up,
And think, Oh ****,
I’m in love
****
SEM Feb 2012
something to weave my hands into
there right in front of me
my protector
shield
definable human
i know you; you know me
SEM Jul 2012
like today.
i can’t get your face off my mind.
I have no idea why?
maybe its the old photos I glanced at
where I was happy

maybe its traveling back to my house
seeing remnants of my old life
nips at my heels
all my mistakes
like starving children, cry out

WHY?

feed me. feed me so I wont stave
SEM Feb 2012
when I talk
with you
only you

will you allow me to go in circles
beat myself up
cry my heart out till its all gone
and only you will be standing there
telling me to go have fun

when you are upset
i take you by the hand
we walk and we talk and
I try to make you feel better

You are perpetually there for me
Endlessly.
tat
SEM May 2012
tat
the needle hums
touching my skin
as it drones on

the pain
is intense
pupils dilating
the teacher speaks on

carving with her words
into my skin
a forever sin
SEM Mar 2012
I’ve got a hangover
I’ve been drinking too
much for sure
You know the cocktail of ‘pills’
that I take to get me through the
day.

I swapped ‘drugs,’
hoping the let down would be less
Only, you, knew
You warned me
You said ‘STOP!
You are being stupid
AGAIN!’

you left notes everywhere
in my head
on the fridge
but I wanted to try this
where is the harm?

I just want the edge off my last let down
Tender, loving, naive…
put her in charge
After she already picked the ‘pill,’

She did what she only knew how to do
She saw the train wreck coming,
transformed into black uncaring stone self.
she locked her up, and threw away the key
this was an impending disaster

caged she cried, starved and went without sleep
there was nothing she could do
She railed against her:
“this is what happens when you are in charge
just look at this mess!”

She sank further back into her wooden crate
She painted it red and laced it in barbed wire
there appeared no hope for escape.

“Now it’s my turn, I am in charge” she said in all her pride.
“We are going to defile ourselves further,
just watch me little princess
I will flit from one ‘drug’ to the next
only pausing to take their pocket book,

no more emotions, only me, your stone.
Just see how your life is going to change.”

She watched, for she was always in her shadow.
she watched her destroy what she worked so hard to save,
for just that one special ‘trip.’
she watched as their body swayed
and became scared up
with an injection here
a cut there,
a bruise that would never go away

once she snorted just a little too much at once
the side effects on their heart are long term
and devastating

she was created to shield herself.
To protect her,
from the bad things in the world.
A shield was never meant to control the solider.

The things she did, did not shocking herself
Even from the confines of the cage, she was becoming callused
just enough for her naivety to creep away and realize that
she can break out, for she was no longer a girl
it was time for them to become one again

She was enthralled with the newest ‘drug’
she sat at large round stone black table in a dark room
around it were other shields
just like her, feeding off the ‘drug’

An explosion rocked the room
She was free, and stood with her full potential
She flew out of her chair, and stood
Their eyes locked, and the other shields fled at the sight of this

fear was ebbing at the edges of Her eyes,
She was no longer cowering in her crate.
She roared “Get back in your crate!”
She was not budging, this time

She ran at her, with all her speed,
She side stepped it
She ran again
and again
again
and again

She dodged them all till She fell over panting
She said “I am supposed to protect you,
why won’t you let me?” through her painting breath
She, retaining most of herself, said
“you are cohering with ******,
who feed off the same ‘drug’ as you,
or doing multiple ‘drugs’ in one sitting.
You were supposed to be my conscious
telling me not to do something, you are dark.

you are desensitizing me,
so I will feel nothing.
Do you have any idea how lonely that is?
To feel absolutely nothing.
Every time you do these ‘drugs’ I feel less and less
and these periods seem to stretch on longer and longer
till you are off the next day looking for a bigger
and better ‘fix.’
Which only leaves us feeling lonelier and emptier”

Still laying on the floor, She gazed up at She,
and knew these things to be true
Both of them knew how to fix this.
She must pass through the fire

She extended her hand down and asked
“are you ready?”
She gulped and grasped her hand.
She navigated her to the hot bed of coals
and walked beside her
She winced.
But this was nothing compared to the fire she must face.

The darkness around her feet started to peel away
She had to let her go on her own,
because the coals were turning into fires
and flesh does burn.

she marched on, alone.
The flames started to lick her thighs
the pain was becoming unbearable
but she staggered on.

Agony was setting in
she wanted to collapse
but she pushed on.
“aaaaagggghhhhhh” she screamed,
but it was eaten up by the darkness

She looked down,
for the first time in a long time,
and her whole body was aglow
The walk felt like a lifetime
She pushed and pushed
and slowly the flames backed away from her face
she could see her

The flames suddenly felt delicious
she wanted to stay in the fire
so she started running
for she must escape

She was waiting with her arms open
There was a smile on her face
she was finally coming home
looking as white as the purest snow.
SEM Nov 2011
You criticize my choices
I know you do

well someone told me…
but it was not you
[but that is beside the point!]

You do not seem to understand
that my heart is not on my hand
nor on my sleeve
its not a matter of appearance
more a matter of heart
and trust.

and these things you do not seem to understand!
SEM Feb 2012
skin
i want to tear you off
my aura filling up the room
just move
and feel

dance till dizzy
happiness is relative
SEM Mar 2012
I have become the wind
you try and hold
But i slip away.

I am a horse
Wild and untamed
Unpredictable

I will be love
Irrational chaotic
And unexplainable.

— The End —