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Leah Jan 19
dead air hangs heaviest on phone calls cut short
the static hummed like an ancient hornets nest in my head
deep imprints left from landline buttons on my cheek
i thought if i pressed hard enough
i could pretend plastic resembled the feeling of his face against mine
i thought if i pressed hard enough
i could pretend the static sounded like his voice in my ear

he told me once that he liked my skin
but what he meant is that he liked it better on the floor
i would have never guessed how quickly hungry hands could eat me alive
but i wanted their starvation to be my salvation
i always knew i was a better window than a wall
but I didn’t know how easy it was to see through me

seven syllables like bee stings
my throat began to swell like his words themselves were anaphylactic
and as i began to see stars i pretended i was in shock
he left me like a bullet exits a body and i guess that’s what i get for loving a loaded gun
but I’ve always been known to be the first to pull the trigger
roulette was just a way to pass the time between waking and sleeping

i was a phantom of longing and lament
i missed his hands even when they were around my neck
i wasn’t a woman
i was shades of blue and violet and unwarrented violence

the perverse pleasure of pain
left like a malady in my mind that spread across my nervous system
and seeped its way into my bone marrow
the only chemo i could find were empty beds and dark rooms
indiscriminately i handed myself to the radiation of sterile hands and nameless faces
i wanted them to rearrange my molecules
or at least help me shed the skin he had liked so much

etched into my eyelids in glowing persistence were the words he left me with
i hung onto them, i gripped them tightly, white knuckled desperation i clung to the sound of your voice rattling like a chain link fence in my mind
“you will never be enough”
i wanted so badly for you to be the cure i made myself love-sick
lust and limerence felt like love even when the landline went dead
i realized that corpses have a funny way of staying just alive enough to get through the day
Leah Nov 2018
Frantic men
Mad at time
Bitter in life
& death
Lusting for her love
Or beauty
The drunk urge of man
To always want the sun
But never the storm
Leah Nov 2018
beneath his skin
is a black sun
hot to the finger &
bitter to the tongue
men lie like they
drool and sweat
never asked for
but always let
Leah Nov 2018
here is the blood of women
his love was the death
to her summer
a garden of worship
built from skin & screams
repulsive but better in dreams
Leah Nov 2018
his elaborate whisper of delirious worship
the repulsive tongue of drunk men
I must recall in bitter fashion
his mess above my passion
Leah Mar 2018
Even in the quiet moments I couldn’t admit to myself that I missed you the way lungs miss oxygen.
I was never one for confessing my guilt, you weren’t either.
I think I found purgatory
and it exists in the space between my fingers and the send button.
I miss you texts I’ll never send, I’m sorry’s I’ll never own up to.
Seamlessly, we slipped into limbo.
Forever floating in the frantic realization that friendships fade away.
Your smile will always be a part of me, I’ll carry it with me like the change I lost in my car.
Only reminded of its existence when I’m looking for something else.
Is my laughter still stuck in your ear drums the way yours is in mine?
Am I still stuck like a knot in your spine that even a chiropractor can’t comprehend, I’m sorry I’m causing you pain, I’m sorry but I’m stuck here too.
When you wake up in the morning and there’s a sharp pain in your chest, that’s me and I’m trying to break my way out. I’m tired of being trapped behind ribs that don’t want me and being stuck like a disease in a body that resists me.
It doesn’t take much to realize we loved each other the way babies love the womb, the warm temptation of temporary.
I know I was a part of you the way a sliver is to a finger.
Risking infection instead of the pain of ripping it out.
I hate to say it but I know that even warm bodies die and I guess I just imagined it would be you and I.
Leah Oct 2017
Red
Domestic destruction
Detonation
Dehumanization
People are breathing their last breaths
But we will call it
civilian casualty

Bullets ringing like bells through the air
Bones cracking like the whips we have "long since" retired

A terrorist without the skin tone
Or the turban
Is called
troubled

We keep the death toll
Like keeping score

Pointing fingers
But never at home team

The flag is colored
Red with our blood
White like our pride
And blue like our sorrow

And you boo when people kneel
Seeing them pushed down by the weight of the injustices we perpetuate
****** you off

Because people died for that flag
Like the unnamed slaves-turned-soldiers
Who never had a choice when bullets littered their backs
Dying for a country they didn't ask to be in

The taking knees
Doesn't honor that proud history
It doesn't fit the status quo
The picture of
America the brave
And home of the free(d)

The freedom of speech
Our favorite card to play
Until someone has something important to say

So build the wall ten feet higher

We gave children dreams
now we ship back the dreamers
To a land they never dreamt of

Ten feet higher

We shot unarmed kids in the back
Blaming the bullet
Not the blue who pulled the trigger

Ten feet higher

We marched with swastikas held high
Alt right
Neo ****
No, sorry
White Pride

Ten feet higher

Add a foot for every black life that didn't matter enough
Add a foot for every white ****** that walked free
Add a foot for every family ripped apart
Add a foot for every terrorist that came from inside this country
Add a foot for every hate crime left unnoticed
Add a foot for every transgender person who can no longer serve
Add a foot for every injustice that will never be addressed
Add a foot for every life we could've saved in Puerto Rico

Red with blood
The flag is red with the blood we wiped from our hands.

Be aware
Be angry
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