I still fear you don't care

One year clean
Clean wrists
Clean thighs
Clean heart
Clean mind

What I've learned from my parents
My parents have taught many things,
And this has given me insight
So now I know what to do from the mistakes they've made:
Accept your kid, whatever ****** orientation they may be
Don't act like you know everything,
For all you know your child may be right
Once you make your point, shut up
Don't keep repeating the same thing
Let your kid express them selves,
If they like Bob Marley then let them own Bob Marley apparel
Don't pressure sports and grades to wear they get stress migraines
Don't scream at your child to where they cower in fear when your angry
Let your child know they can always come and talk to you
All of these things I've learned because my parents are the opposite, and have made mistakes that I now see
These mistakes can scar your child

The worst part is when you feel pathetic for being pathetic

Be with me here is this moment

My heart jumped into my throat
And my stomach lurched
My lungs dissolve into dust

Cryptically typing a hurried thought
That defied every response

I look in the mirror and no one stares back
I see him in things that I do
When they see me, when they discover
I promise, I hate me too.

What a feeling to inhale its toxic love
Knowing it's bad but oh so good
Memories and melodies swirl
Like the smoke curling off my lip
With each breath knowing I hurt,
Hurt something clean and pure
Only after letting go of my past
Did I stop breathing the wrong way

Walking down the hallway
He walks by and my mind races
Look down. No, look up.
Eye contact
Should I smile?
The moment is over
You awkward idiot
Stares at the ceiling
Stop no don't think of that
Finds a distraction
Stop! Stop thinking!
Reaches the door
Okay, big smile on three
Walks outside
"Hey guys what's up!"

But I'm not crazy, I'm just a little unwell
I know right now you can't tell
But wait a while and maybe then you'll see
A different side of me

I keeping thinking I need more time
Time to think, time to accept, just time

Yes I am a ******
And you know what?
I'm proud of it
I'm glad I haven't
Let anyone touch
I can say I waited
For the perfect
Person to come around
And I will have
No regrets

Sometimes I don't think I should write
Because all the feelings I have,
Words can't do them justice to me
Writing is beautiful, truly an art
But when I'm in love, or morose
The words typed in this poem style
Don't come close to what's in my heart

I hate watching old videos of myself
Not because they are embarrassing
But because I was so **** pretty

I don't want my parents
Ruining anything anymore
From now on
Everything is a secret

And I haven't gone to bed early since the beginning of this year
Something keeps me up, something keeps me stirring
My hands move nervously like they do before an exam
Something has me stressed, something has me thinking
Something is on my mind

That feeling when your father wakes you up
Says goodbye because he's going to work
And mentions for you to try harder with your new hair
Because the other day it looked like a boy
I wish I was a boy, but no girl ever wants to her that
Let's be honest.
Im not girly, but everyone wants to feel pretty
And something about the way he said it
Made me feel so... ugly
I cried the rest if the day, because a lot had happened (days before)
And all I'll say about that is I overheard him say
"She's going to drag her sister down by not being popular"
Then something else about my friend group
People always 'say oh don't listen to your parents'
You are beautiful
But how freaking hard do you think it is
To have heard from your own father
That you. being yourself, might hurt your sisters rep
Doesn't that make it feel nice to exist.
When I was in theatre the other day,
And my friend said I was pretty.. I reacted
Because I didn't believe it
Because he caused me to take a second glance in the mirror
And think i am ugly
I used to be so secure and high esteem
But it's hard to have that when your own father
Who you've trusted your whole life say those words
Without caring whether your window of life is smudged or cracked
Or even thinking the words I've heard whispered just behind my ear
When they thought I was asleep, or in another room
I WAS THERE
And I heard what you thought..
I know how you feel...
And I try to block it out and mask it with a smile
But the truth is it is always there.
And I know what you want.
You want the satisfaction of saying your daughter is best in everything
You want the feeling of the starting point guard, straight A's, popularity, and beauty.
Everytime I force myself to pull through it's not so much I want it, but that if I dont get it you are disappointed
And the look on your face causes trembling fingers and puffy eyes for days...
The day you told me stop being a ******* Eartling just so that's would please your hunger for triumph.
To fill in the hole of what maybe you didn't get in your childhood.
All to run down and shatter your daughter
Who now has a brand new issue to face and it's not trophies or medals..
But to think now it's come down to a *reflection in a makeup smudged mirror

Dancing as wildly as a hurricane, spinning
But at the center, the eye, she was calm

"She's got the perfect body"
"She's got the perfect smile"
"She's so perfectly tan"
So every once and a while
I compare myself to her
And it only makes things worse

"Girls are like rocks
You skip the flat ones"
I'm sure whoever made this
Got a lot of laughs
But I promise you
The 'flat' girls...
We're not laughing.

During theology yesterday
I know You spoke to me
And me personally
I know I want to be just like a saint
But I'm not Catholic.
And Saint is a Catholic term
So I'm just going to be the best image of you I can be
I'll be a Saint in my terms
You are telling me to go out and help
Go and spread the Word and tell everyone about You!
And I know this is true because I get excited every time
I am so pumped for You!
I just want to worship You all day!
I want to go on mission trips and spread the news!
Guess what? Eternal life is a thing! It's for real!
Get pumped! You're going Heaven!

I like the cold.
I have an attachment to the cold
Not Louisiana cold.
Colorado cold,
Where the grass isn't just soggy and brown,
But a thick blanket of snow coats the ground
And the smell of mountains
Is prominent everywhere
And even without clouds
There are snowflakes in the air
And when the snow comes down beating
The fireplaces is roaring,
The whole house is heating
And the nearest city is miles far
So in the dark night
I can see every star
Yes I miss winter in the mountains
It's the most magical place
I'll be back again

Happiness should not be a visitor
It should be a permanent guest

No one contact me by my phone
I won't be going anywhere anytime soon
No contact, nothing
Left to sit in my room and rot
Decay, don't call me, don't text
I am numb, back to numbness
Defense mechanism against
Fear

I can tell you I tried
I drew a picture of a grove of trees
I learned to play a new song
I laid with my dogs in the sun
But the trees were bare
And the song was Fireproof
And my dogs left to lay in the shade

When I dance I feel alive
I feel the rhythm in my bones
I feel the beat in sync with myself
I feel my heart beat faster
My body moves with passion
I feel like there is something special
Something noticeable about me
When I step onto the dance floor
I feel like myself, completely

Sometimes its good to be scared
It means you still have something to lose...

For only a moment the levees of my mind broke
They have since repaired themselves

Instead of trying to understand it
I'll just accept it

All I ever wanted was your approval
Maybe I am sensitive, dramatic
But it's still constantly hurting me
So maybe get over you're sense of perfectness
And ******* love me and say I matter okay?

I've locked myself in a room
So I can let tears leak to the floor
Let them fill the empty cracks
I've secluded myself, locked the door
How can they ask for anymore?

My late Grampi used to say 'flat rock'
In the mountains when one appeared
And flat rocks taught me to be still
And actually take in the mountains
To stop rushing through the hike
And just stop and breathe for a second
In life I want to stop rushing
Let things flow like a lazy river
Find more flat rocks in life to lay on
And help more people lay with me

I will be free
No matter what you say
There is nothing you can do
To stop me

I'm tired of running
For once in my life
But I don't know what
I would do if I stopped
And I don't see any
Yield signs either

Everywhere people act like they don't care
Friends, parents, siblings, all do it to avoid
Letting their human show.
Since when was human nature a crime

One day I will visit every mountain range,
I will jump out of a plane, parachute flying
I will sit and watch all the seasons change
And camp out on the beach, chicken frying
On day I will find someone to do it all with me
And the 'I' in each of these lines will turn to *we

The more I look the more I see that people aren't transparent windows,
They are mosaics of glass, stained, like the kind in an old church
Made up of several different pieces glued together to make a whole,
Each piece showing a different color, a different shade of that person,
When looked at closely it looks messy, strange, and sometimes incomplete
But only back up and see the whole person, shards working together
To make a beautiful whole, that when the light shines through,
An array of colors and beauty is cast on everything around it

I'm in limbo
Push me one way or another

"I worry about you"
He said in a condescending cold voice.

Worry about me how?
Do you worry I don't like you
Do you worry I do things to spite you
Do you worry I'm emotionally unstable
Or do you worry I just won't make it in life.

Now it's all just useless words
Useless because they will
Never be the words we want to hear

Part of me is an angsty teenage girl
Who wants to get ****** up and smoke cigarettes
And drive late at night, wearing dark clothing
Part of me is a vibrant young woman
Who wants to paint pictures of the sun
Wear rainbow bandanas and smile all the time
It all just depends on the circumstance

She cut her hair
For one reason
With influence
From another

As snot and tears flow down my throat
I lay shaking because he's right
Who am I kidding, I'll never be a doctor
And I've known it all along
The only thing I am
is a **** up
And that's the simplest truth there is

I don't think people realize that I just want to be held
Because I'm scared and anxious and nervous and stressed
Please please please please hold me.
It seems as though everyone has someone to hold or be held by
It seems as though when people look for someone to give affection to its never me
*They look the other ******* way and I don't think they know how each time I feel even more unlovable then I already felt

It was dangerous I'll admit
But there was a rush
This living excitement
Two hearts pounding
Each for a different reason
And yes I fell
And it hurt me
But I tried again
Because it mattered to me

I implanted into my body a parasite
scratch that
Parasites can be removed

I implanted into my body a virus
scratch that
Viruses can be treated

I developed my own mutation
A manipulation of my genetic code
A deformity that can be restrained
But not cured

I don't like food more than
I like the picture I still keep of myself
When my stomach was so wasted
It seems as if you could see my spine
From the front of me

Twisted everything is twisted
Is there an emotion for happy yet sad
Joyful and depressed?
Because it took too long to get over you
And the butterflies in my stomach are dancing no more
There's no more fall into me or the way my heart soared
Only a hollow shell, once filled with hope
That faded away like fog in the morning
A fog that made it hard to see that I couldn't have you

Don't tread carefully
You'll hear the glass cracking
Run! let it all shatter

Close your eyes
Take a breath don't change
Put your shaking hand
In mine, and focus
Pupils focused on mine
As if you could see into my mind
And if you could,
Well then you would know
The ache my heart has to
Fix yours

The shadows from the starlight are softer than a lullaby.
Rocky Mountain High
You can talk to God and listen to the casual reply
Rocky Mountain High
Friends around the campfire and everybody's high
Rocky Mountain High