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Redshift Dec 2013
wrinkled fingers rub with rough green and yellow sponges
in the white sink that is marred with gashes and brown stains
(never could quite get it clean)
standing in the patch of floor
that is bare of the ugly, tiny squared cardboard and plastic.

that sink seems too low to me now
the edge of it no longer meets the same place when i lean into it
it seems so
small
the watermark on my shirt
from washing the dinner dishes every night
at 2am
would not be where it was
for 18 years of my life

i have outgrown that sink
and the smell of that house
and the creak of the stairs that i stumbled up then
because they were too tall
and fall down now
because they are too short

i outgrew my mother and father's bed
which is only my mother's now
my four siblings and i
would no longer all fit
to snuggle against the warm fleece of her sweater

i am too big.
too big for many things.
too big to listen to fights and be silent
too big to slam doors in my mother's face
too big to grab her and keep her from leaving
i am too big
and she is too small
everything that was once mine
that she owns
i have
outgrown

i live in a big girl house now.
mother said i would understand
when i was older
i wish i didn't
Redshift Feb 2018
saw your name today on a playlist i made for us,
it didn't sting
didn't even register
as something abnormal
or interesting
for the first time
since august.

i love
my malleable
subconscious
more than i ever loved
you.
Redshift Jun 2013
sometimes i wish
i was one of Those Girls
with one of Those Bodies.

and i know that i'm
cute
and i
like me
i just
can't stop seeing
what model
attracts
i am ******
with sight

my tv
tells me
who to be
how to smile
how to be
and all the girls
that prance around
little *** toys
with insatiable hunger
and fake eyelashes
want to draw me in
so they can beat me
i am
pretty
but not
****
and ****
is what sells

i think love is a nice idea
in books
and
occasionally movies
but i do not
believe in it
i am too old.
Redshift Mar 2014
it doesn't make me feel better.
it makes me feel like throwing up afterwards
someday i will get away from it
Redshift May 2013
aaahhh!
juggling three *****
in the air
three boy-shaped *****
which shall i drop?
ugh
they're all so
appealing
some
more than others
i like this last one...
hmm.
Redshift Nov 2013
even if i feel good all ******* day
and am determined to be happy
i end up crying when everyone is gone
and i can sit and remember things that taint my mind like venom
things like separation
and apart
and family
and mommy
and daddy
and little sister
and home
and please
and cutting
and help me

and then i am crying
again
like i always do
even if i just had
the best night of my life
anything could happen
and i would still cry

this halloween
i am a clown with a tear on her cheek
there's so much pressure to be the funny, happy kid. i can't take it. if you looked inside you'd see the ugly. i bleed it out to feel better
Redshift Jul 2013
if i had
a big red rubber ball
i think i'd be happy.
i think i could
smile.
i could walk down the sidewalk,
and bounce it
and try not to think about
my little brothers' and sisters' faces
try not to think how
little jesse would
love a
big
red
rubber
ball
or how miriam would
try to stand on it
or how john would
kick it as far as he could
or how elayna would
paint it
mid-
air

if i had a big red rubber ball
i could be happy
for a couple of seconds
until i started to
think
...but maybe those seconds
would be
worth it...
if you love me
give it to me
but then
take it away
i hate you, mom.
Redshift Mar 2013
didn't eat
a single thing
all day
if being
a size 0
doesn't make you happy
what
will
Redshift May 2013
loads of birthday wishes
already rolling in
you people
need to get
a ******* hobby
it's like super-
insta-
depression...
everyone is saying
how glad they am i was born
how they don't know where they'd be
without me
i know exactly where i'd be...

...happy
somewhere
OH MY GOD three more since i wrote this two seconds ago. i feel like puking and crying and getting really drunk. it would be nice if there was actually something in my stomach to puke up...
Redshift May 2013
i am done
with this mother ****
i don't deserve this
i don't deserve to be ****** over
one more time
you don't deserve
another broken heart
to hang on your wall
and admire
haven't you enough notches
in your gun
must you have
one more
dead
daughter
to stuff
and mount
Redshift Feb 2014
he listens to me in vermont
as i breathe in new york
the slow labored tones
of sleep.

from a scratched house by a ****** park
to a rich wooden cottage deep in snow-hushed woods
my moose listens to my little sighs
and groans
and going-to-sleep-noises.

the way he clears his throat comforts me.
Redshift Oct 2014
is that
heartburn in my chest
or is the battery acid seeping from my over-charged heart creeping back up
fighting to get out
expel itself from this sinking ship.

you don't ruin everything.
everything ruins someone
and everyone ruins something.
the circle of life
rides its line
ruthlessly
cutting into the track fate laid across my wrists.

you can't recharge dying batteries. leave them alone too long and they leak a hazardous acid
touch it, and it'll eat away at your fingers

just try and take it out of me.
i dare you.
try to make me better.
it'll eat away at you too,
just like it eats me.
Redshift May 2013
running away
is a good idea
finding a town
i can die in
quietly
here it would be too loud
everyone would hear
i will make up my own town
to die in
so no one
can get in
Redshift Nov 2017
i know how dangerous self-hatred is.
i'm not ******* stupid.
but how many more mistakes
how many more men
before i cut myself away
completely

what do i do
when i keep whittling down
trying to find the bone, the truth
trying to find something that's ******* constant, reliable
understandable
trying to ******* understand
the intricacies
trying to find something
******* simple
for once

i know how dangerous this is
i know how blood seeps
i know how that emptiness
aches
i know
i ******* know.

but i can't help but hate
every inch of me
you touched
and this hatred
this disgust
is so tangible
you could cut it
with a knife
Redshift Dec 2016
he said

there's something haunting about your scent

it clings to my clothes and my sheets and my neck
my hand
that rested gently on your hip...
it echoes the retreating ghost of you
and i catch a note of it
when i try to sleep at night
my eyes closed
remembering my face in your hair.

and now there's not a silence that fills enough of me to push you out
you stand in the middle and reverberate through it
no quiet moment able to dissipate your form.

you crash through the boxed up rooms in my head and rearrange
******* those sentient summer memories that i can't shake
pouring them into hourglasses that replay
replay
replay.

find your hair on the seat of my car and
your mascara on my pillow and
your shoes under my dresser and
the love you imprinted resting under my collarbone,
seared into my flesh.

and i wanted to say
although i feel nothing
i know i should feel
sorry.
Redshift Nov 2015
if i just were more confident
if i just were sweeter
if my voice were higher
if my stomach smaller
if my face a better shape
if my laugh a better laugh
if i just adjusted to your every need
like the way you tune my guitar
on my bed
singing to me
(is it to me, or all the girls on my floor?
nightmares argue the case
frightfully)
if only
if only
if only
i was what he wants
i don't even know how to begin
Redshift Jul 2013
my dad thinks there's something wrong with me
i never sleep
he is right
but i won't tell him he is
because he wouldn't know
what to do
i feel like a kitten in the ocean
and i am just too tired
to swim
but too small
to find
Redshift Jun 2013
red
red
red,
they say.

why don't you get what we're trying to say?
why don't you try to do what we tell you?
why won't you talk to us?
why won't you listen
to reason?

honey
baby
darling
red?

because
the people that taught you to talk
are relative
to stone
walruses

because
i will not walk off a cliff
and willingly
smash against the harbor

because
you misplaced
your ears
and sewed them
onto
your brain

because
i wouldn't give you
a dog i didn't like
and you wouldn't take it,
anyway

because
what you define as reason
simply
isn't
if i could speak.
Redshift Mar 2013
hey listen
you're my bestfriend an all
but girl...
if that kid was my boyfriend
i'd punch him in the ***** so hard
he'd be sitting on his *** in the middle of next week
wondering what the ****
happened
you don't give people ultimatums like
"it's me or your dream"
i'd say *******
at least my dream's better
in bed,
you
tent-pitching
*******
Redshift Feb 2013
Today someone told me
that i don't write poetry
i write random ****
in verse
and then they went on to say
that i'm an insult to humanity
love
war
peace
happiness
all that good stuff

i just kind of agreed
i don't like to argue
with me
Redshift Jan 2015
the less he talks to me the more i realize that i'll be fine without him.
Redshift Nov 2013
i find the fact that you edit out little mistakes in typing hilarious.
you get high out of your mind and say the weirdest ******* **** i've ever seen
all over facebook
but it is ******* grammatically correct

brian,
you complain all over the internet
about how in love with me you are
you whine to anyone who will listen
but you are so unpredictable
irritable
******* out of your mind
that i can't love you
you're like loving a flippant breeze
and i don't have time for you

get off your marijuana horse
Redshift Oct 2016
drunken night with a stranger,
oddly tender.
soft touches
cupping my face
kissing me
for hours
entangled in a bed
with other drunk ghosts.
Redshift Jul 2013
"it'll get easier"
they say
"holidays won't be so hard forever"
they say
"christmas will be better next year"
they say
"it won't hurt so much after a while"
they say
"mom'll come back someday"
they say
"she'll come to her senses"
"she'll realize her mistake"
"she'll miss her family"
"the kids won't forget about their big sister"
"she won't disappear again"
"you're gonna be fine"
"it'll all sort itself out"
"just be patient"
"it was your dad's fault"
"she was crazy"
"give it time"
they say.

they
(whoever they are)
do a lot
of talking
but not enough
to make today
feel alright
because i can't look anywhere
without seeing us down by the lake
with watermelon dripping down our chins
and scraggly weeds
growing inbetween the rocks

i miss that thing i used to have

f                    
                    a
            m


        i                 ­       
                                     l


                                                             ­              y
happy fourth of july.
Redshift May 2013
it's a beautiful day outside
the sun is lilting over the trees
those weird fuzzy seeds
that get up your nose
whisping through the air
the manicured grass
glinting
i'd go out
and enjoy it all
if i weren't so
ugly inside
today
Redshift Nov 2014
watch the happiness drain from the tip of my head
to my eyes
to my toes
watch it pool around the bottoms of my calloused barefeet
on the cold, ugly brown tile of the dorm bathroom.

the problem with validity is that in order to be of value there must be something below you that is worthless
and many times the skulls of wide-eyed quiet girls will do
to rest your high-heeled tennis shoes on
baton in hand
leading the slaughter ever forward.

inadequacy is a monster that plants itself in the stomach
and grows out of the mouth at an alarming rate
strangling the trembling buds around you...

i would feel better if you knew me before you perpetuated your indelible lack of self-love
i would feel better if there were a reason to crush my bones and knead them into the whitewashed cement of these dorm room walls
built upon the bodies of other quiet girls
seeking solace from the raging personalities
that make up for their raging
inadequacies -

yes,
i play video games.
and i have a decorative knife
that i was not able to hang up
because sticky tac only goes so far.
yes, i am quiet
no, i do not partake in your gossip
or your hate speech
but do not pin me to the wall like the latest bug collection conquest
like you have defeated me

i have a flower growing on my desk that could defeat all of you
if it stooped to your level
beauty is the sharpest sword.
Redshift Feb 2013
A tight, coiled, sleepy wire
Dragging innocently along
Tripping over cut-out faces
Stumbling over song
Bent little shards
Of memories and places
Meet in between
Isolated laces.
Redshift Mar 2013
i'm still debating
whether or not
to give my mother
all these poems.
i guess because
i know
how much it hurts
to be told
exactly how someone hates you
in verse
Redshift Apr 2013
i'm sorry, my
car broke down
cat puked
got sick
i puked
broke some appendage
that is necessary
for writing
tripped on a saw
hugged the wrong friend
got laryngitis
can't talk
got *****
by a tv show
all night
my dad's a hippie
sorry
couldn't make it
to class
Redshift Mar 2013
i lay on this bed
like a daisy
smashed by a rubber tire
limply
peaceful
but crushed
all the same.
Redshift Dec 2013
if i put my hand above my cat
she reaches her head out
to have me cup it
i am the same with you
i compensate for the distance you don't feel like going
or maybe you just know that i'll always reach for it
so you don't bother...

it's alright.
i know, too
Redshift Mar 2013
listen
to yourself breathe
you didn't leave
see
the dents in the wall
they're what keep you
in this room
in this chalky
worn
hall
can you hear that
in
out
pull in
capture
release
breathing
you're still here
there's no way out
trapped
with this silent shout
of a poem
to keep you company
you
cannot
leave
Redshift Mar 2014
i think sometimes you just have to deal with being scared.
you just have to accept that being scared is being human
(an infinitesimal dot on a map)...
that though you are small you are not powerless
and though sometimes you can't talk because you are crying
or because you are afraid
it is ok
the things you feel work just as good as words
sometimes.

i think sometimes
even when big parts of us are frightened
we have to listen to the little part that says stay

i am glad i stayed.
though i am still frightened
i will learn to live with my fear
i am just a small human
but i am a big spirit.
Redshift Mar 2013
amass large army
***** your finger
on a spindle
fall asleep
have said army
fight off
all princes
that possess lips
or die.
Redshift May 2013
untangle your limbs
from the odd position
you wake up in
comb your fingers
through your knotted, ginger hair
streeetttchhhhh.
sit up,
look out the window
see if it's a nice enough day
to keep breathing for
hm.
maybe it is.
think about libraries
and walks to rivers
but mostly about
scrubbing off
the dried mascara
on your face
smile.
right there and then.
only because someone told you
that if you smiled enough
it would make you happy.
like magic.
try not to remember
the empty room
next door
and the stop-motion
perfume
on her vanity
realize that this is only
day one...
smile
gone
really should stop ignoring all my sister's texts. but i'm still so angry with her for leaving. i don't want to be here.
Redshift May 2013
three sets of withered, wrinkly hands
with chipped
tired
pale-pink nailpolish
flutter in the air,
describing.

three froofy perms
one browny-gray
one white
one salt and pepper
bob
jutting forward,
one
wobbles a little.

Grandma wears
a green-foam party hat
with a thin, white elastic band
that runs under her wrinkled chin
it sits atop her fuzzy perm
comically...
she smiles
at me.

"Ah! my cappuccino! you remembered i like it, didn't you?"
she chucks her great-granddaughter
under the chin,
grins
"oohh! look at these gardening gloves! Cidi! look at these gloves! i like the green ones."
she hands them to her white-haired sister
aunt cidi told me
this year she is
ninety-one
oh, and the gloves were really
blue.

aunt cidi
misses uncle harland
he was buried three or four years ago
in his uniform
i remember sitting next to him
at awkward family reunions
eating hotdogs
i never saw so much mustard
in my life
he could never hear me
when i tried to talk to him
but he smiled
anyway.

the talk turns serious
suddenly
over our black coffee
crossed legs
sweaters
and chocolate cake
grandma turns grim
in her lime-green party hat
"did you end up killing that trumpet vine in your yard, Jeanie?"
aunt jeanie's head wobbles a bit
she squints
wrinkles her nose
"i TRIED to!"
she scowls.

schemes of ******
plotted by three chunky-earringed
sweet
old ladies
who are a little late
for the 1940's
but never too late
for a handsome
soldier
"we're older..."
says aunt jeanie
"but not THAT old!"
they all
giggle.
Redshift Feb 2015
weeks ago i was beautiful because you owned me.

tonight i am beautiful because you don't know what you're missing.

tonight i will kiss someone
and you will no longer be the only one who has tasted the liqueur of my lips
or perceived the garden that sleeps around my neck like a jewel.

tonight, another man will sample the variety of decedent wonders
that you took from me
forcefully
crushing
the crystals
and ripping
the satin

tonight
someone more gentle than you
will receive
the glory that i have to bestow
the power and pulsating, vibrating music in my walk
in the sway of my full hips

tonight
you
don't
know
what you're missing.
Redshift Jun 2015
black-eyed child of the morning
sings blue-eyed hymns in the afternoon,
chokes on black water at night
pouring from the ceiling
depression waterboarding her small cheeks.

black-eyed child of the morning
paints red smiles on her thighs
running down her knees
heaven on her mind
looking for the tormentor in the ceiling.

blue-eyed child in the afternoon
lets sunshine soak up her irises
turning the light rose-colored
laughs drunkenly just under the
feedback
lies in bed and finds worlds in her mind
stroking their edges
closing her eyes

black-armed child of the night
resurfacing at last
shaking on the mattress
talking
screaming
to her thoughts
telling them to stop
trembling under the black water ceiling
crying because she's suffocating
begging because there is no choice

black-eyed child,
blue-eyed sometimes...
beggars can't be choosers
Redshift Sep 2013
i wish i wasn't so afraid of my forehead.

afraid i'll brush my bangs just the wrong way and someone will remark
"my god! that girl looks weird with her forehead showing."
afraid like i could change a part of my face.

i guess i could if i was one of those rich ******* on "housewives of ---"
or jwow on jersey shore
i could go shopping for new noses
and larger cheek bones.
like changing a feature of my face will make me more wantable
when it's the crap that comes out of my heart people don't like
instead

i wish i could bare my forehead
stick my ******* right up there for all to see
but i am afraid of my forehead

what is a forhead?
just a bit of skin
just a little forehead
that is what scares
this redheaded leopard

this is why lionesses hide in kitchens
majestic ******* that should be out there running things
this is why there are no women presidents
because we are afraid of
ourselves
Redshift Mar 2014
"it's ok"
i whisper to my arm
with the new scar
waiting to dry
"it's ok"
i whisper to my cheeks
with the salty tears
waiting to dry
"it's ok"
i say to the moon
without a face
waiting to die
"it's ok"
i whisper myself
with the cuts
waiting to die
Redshift Feb 2014
even though i would never let you
i love how you would spend $138 on a ******* stuffed panda
to make me smile.
Redshift Apr 2013
educational
suicide bomber
took an in-class essay
to the jugular
pen to the heart
inkstained
fingers
fell apart
all the things
brain-washed into me
suddenly
dissipate
and float like ash
in the wake
of my explosion
or lack
thereof
ugh
Redshift Apr 2013
a borrowed pencil
coaxing out words
it never knew it had
in the hands
of another
guiltily.
Redshift Oct 2013
there are things in this world that aren't ******* fair
like children who believe they have ADD
and avoid dealing with what they really have.
like mothers who tell their children lies
about fathers
like children who adopt monsters that don't belong to them
personas that they try on like sparkly ballet flats
writing poems about being abused
and having ADD
and a ****** life
some children are wrong.
and i only know because i am their sister
children learn to tell lies
it's not their fault
i must remember not to blame them
but it is hard
there are people in this world who were truly abused
and you, sisters
befoul their anguish
with your wolf-cries.
i will never know how many times i must say this
but you weren't ******* abused
and you don't have ADD
and your mother is a ******* liar
i love you both
but i cannot listen
any more.
Redshift Feb 2016
i get bored easily
when you are no longer advantageous

the honeymoon period
where you buy me things to love you
is fading
and you don't brush your teeth
or know my middle name
or what really
happened to me
and the first time we had ***
you took advantage
of a drunk new years
without
a second
thought

maybe i simply do not like men
in this century
or maybe all men
are disgusting
or maybe all humans
this is why
i want to break up
i'm not in it
for the love
Redshift Aug 2013
i like to start off some conversations with a good old fashioned
"*******"

i feel it levels the playing field
puts us on
the same track
we can now converse without the usual presupposed notion that i actually like you
or you me
see?
we are now able
to talk about the ****** new york weather
and what we didn't do over the summer
with ease

say "*******" first,
please
Redshift Apr 2013
you were a mother to me
when i didn't have one
now you have gone and done
what mothers do
you left me
i guess i expected it
same story
over and over
what do i do
to deserve this
i guess i'll try harder
to be a better daughter
but maybe it's not me....
maybe it's all of you.
people should be more careful with who they leave.
Redshift Nov 2014
i used to care about things.

like whether or not you messaged me back
or why it is wrong to swallow glass
and choke up prisons.

i used to care about people who traced triangles from the burn marks on their wrists
and now i am one of them.

i used to care if i looked pretty at every angle
i used to bend my neck until i felt stabbing pains
so you would keep telling me how beautiful i am.

i guess some things never change. especially those things.
i guess some things are just universal

just like truth isnt.
Redshift Nov 2013
i did one thing in front of a large group of people and now i'm somehow worthy

worthy of going to leadership retreats
and christening babies
all because i managed to crack open the wealth inside four other kids.

it wasn't me.
i didn't do it.
i just helped.
i don't want the credit.
Redshift Sep 2013
poets like to use words like

clandestine

lucid

illusive

discombobulated

epoch


but i still think a good old fashioned

"*******"

goes a long way
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