The tables have been turned and all my kitchen wear on the floor.. I was holding my shoe in my hand I could not believe that someone had **** near broke everything in my house.  The tv was gone and they ripped my seats to shreads. I don't know what they were looking for but i'll tell you something for sure it wasn't the cushions. Even in that moment the loss i was experiencing without couldn't match the one within.

I miss her, i do.... My dearest Yuri. The one who woke me up at night in dramatic cries and seemed sort of angry that she wasn't swimmjng in my womb anymore. The one who seemes to enjoy crapping herself and make me clean the mess up.  The one who looked at me and in those seconds of locking eyes we knew we were meant for each other. Ooooh Baby...

What worse could those thieves do to me.  Haven't i seen it all.. Death was the biggest and most hurtful of all the *******!!!  Taking the life out of me.... Without a care of how he would leave me. Death is like a man who takes and takes and never gives. Always wanting you to be the victim... Hell even hell wants you to survive the fire today so you could burn some more tomorrow.

Now the women look at me like a failure.. A woman who couldn't keep a crying baby alive.... And what could I have done?  If i could breathe her my own life I could. Without a second to spare. I would trade it.  She was dying and I could not do a thing to help. How useless can mortality be? What is the purpose of life if you cannot live with those you truly care for. She chocked. She was suckking to much.. I was sleeping. I was tired and I lost myself for a second... But a second is what it took for the passerby to grab her.

Uugh blood.... Cut from the glasses on the floor. Honestly did they have to make such a mess... How hard is it to not break stuff. Do clean job.. My God... Proffesional thieves need to come back in town. I mean there was no one in the house... They even broke my special flask... Hell, my only heart was broken and am still walking like a 'normal' person.

Yuri... My sweet Yuri.. Sometimes I see you everyhwere.  My mother comes every other day to check up on me... She says she has to.  I don't have to go through this on my own.. But why does it feel like i am.  I feel like the air has changed it chokes now . I feel like the spaces are cornering me. Like am walking round in circles. The Exodus!  

Cleaning up my house helps. I don't need the police at this point... What more can they do anyway?  All my glasses are broken not to mention my seats and my tables. They even threw my cooking *** on the floor! Honestly were they trying to hurt me. Tough luck someone beat them to it. I don't need the police bringing in pieces of me that I want to leave behind.

Yes cleaning helps.... Maybe one day I will clean up my closet or what is left of it anyway. But right now am ready to leave the memories and the nightmares.  Maybe i can make peace.

The walls are getting smaller and sometimes I forget that this is all in my head. The feeling of death will soon be back.... Soon...
Today am drunk... The bed feels like a river flowing... I am sailing away.  I hope I land on an island that truly has no dark corners or caves because I could use light right about now.
Love is a tricky thing isn't it.... As deep as it is.... No one really knows how to describe it... We all have our different versions of it. Maybe that's the beauty that each one us has the freedom to create their own versions of love.
I have left people behind.... People I have cared for once...people who have meant the world to me.... I want to say it wasn't hard... But if someone meant the world to you it means you are lost without them...
It's funny how these same people now exist in a totally different atmosphere away from you.

If God was Human......Wwooaaah!!!!

Life moves on everyone says that.  But I don't think they actually believe it until they have lived it.  Again life will give you a chance to experiment what you so easily think is easy.

Did I mention am drunk?  I lied... The island I spoke of however is real... In this island everything is out of place and it's upon me to put everything in order.  They way I picture orderly things look like.
Maybe someday you would visit but don't touch anything. I put a lot of effort in this.

Pretty little bird!!!

Wangui Kinyua
The Red_Head

I don't know what to say. I cannot begin to fathom how you feel. How you must be feeling! But I Love you and in this moment I know that is nowhere near enough. You must want to punch a whole boxing ground down. I would! But I am beneath you. Your soul is more righteous. That is why my  love for you will never cease. I need you to know that.
Even this shall come to pass. This storm will calm. The ocean will flow in your rhythm again. I have no doubt. You are strong my wonder woman. More than anyone I know. All these pep talk is useless for now. But I hope you become one with your Chi again. But for now feel the pain. Let it pass through you until it transforms to healing. Remember this pain for when you have overcome. For when you are strong. Remember it because it is part of you.
I love you. I hope that someday you will read this and smile for what you have  conquered.
Yours
The Red_Head.

The other day something good happened to me and you were the first person I wanted to call. Today sometjing terribly bad has happened to me and you are still the first person I wanted to call. But we are enstranged and pride has me looking the other side. What you said ****** me off. Partly because i was hurt.  Am still wondering if what you said about is remotely true! How can we remedy this? Can it be remedied?
It is selfish of me to just think about my feelings! Am trying to not be self-absorbant. Am working on it. Not for you but for me. It matters to me that the people I love feel safe and magical around me.  
There are things I want to say to your face. It is strange to me that even after all these time I wish only good things for you. Not to blow my own horn but I am very smooth at grudges and plotting revenge. Its a gift from the dark side.
If this hasn't come across since you started to read this then I hope it is clear now. Our sister-hood still matters to me. As cramped up and damaged as it is now, I still have pieces of you engraved in my heart.

Yours
The Red_Head

Am ******* ****** at my country!!! For creating a fantasy for me. A fantasy in a cage. Where they feed me what they want when they want and how they want while they live on the other side of the cage
Thriving in the sun as I sit here and wait for leftovers. Greatful for their leftovers. See what i have learnt is people feed on other people's pain.
"Flip books to get a better future," they said. "Respect the law," they said. "Live in peace," they said. Funny they are the once who stir up and cause all the violence. Who reminds us of the different tribes we come from at their convinient time? Who reminds us what party we support when they need happen to need us? Who so sincerely pretends to care for our needs when they so happen to need our votes? Who remembers to clean the city when it is time to clean their records?
I am tired of being a lab rat.  My mother was and so was the mother before her. My ancestors did not fight for freedom so that we could recolonized. I am done ...i need change! Change that doesn't involve the lucky few. I need a ******* change.
Yours,
The Red_Head

What happens when you fall apart? When you truly cannot see eye to eye again? When you cannot explain how you ended up screaming at each other? When saying am sorry cannot work anymore? What happens?
You know they say love is something to fight for. That you should not give up if you truly believe in each other. They also say that if you love something you have to let it go and if it belongs to you it will come back. So which is which? Which saying do i follow? How helpess must i be for love to work for me again?
Sometimes i can't even take time to breath. It feels like sin. Both of us seem to hurt. One more than the other. Love is like that someone feels it more than the other. There was a time we were inseperable. Like sea to salt now we are like sea to sky. I want to say we are both at fault. That is what she said.
I was afraid of loosing people once. Loosing them to the world. I was afraid of that. Not anymore. People leave anyway whether you want them to stay or not. Fact is no one really stays.
Someone told me once that you should strive to understand more than to be understood. I feel that now.
There so many things i would like to say her. Things i feel she did to me that are not fair but what person would i be if i did?
There is no victory in foolish blame neither is there saving with a heart that is filled with anger and hatred. You must do it with love. I will try.

Love is forgiveness and compassion. I am glad someone told me this.


Yours,
The Red_Head

The *** is broken........frankly I think today we will sleep hungry. My father is not back from work. My high mother is passed  out on the floor mat we all sleep in. She has taken all the space.  Slept like a king. My legs can't even fit. Too high from sniffing tobacco and drinking the last bottle of my father's special brew. Our neighbors say I take my mother's character but my face is father's. The judge this from the one time I  tried the traditional  brew my father brought home. The one meant for the men who come to gossip with my father. They keep saying don't gossip that they speak of the important things that may help the village grow. To protect it. Yet the whole conversation revolves around Mr. Waithaka and his inability to bear children and  yet his beautiful last wife Njeri has bore twins for him. They laugh at his blindness to see Njeri's infidelity. I laugh too silently from my hiding place. But at them. Because they are blind to see that the same curse might be on them. my mother always says only a woman knows which man her child belongs.

My father is home. He brings home meat and the bitter leaves I hate. he is drunk as well. staggering and struggling to find his way in the hut. He screams at me to wake my mother. Yet she is right there. There is not much room in the space w live in for you to miss a single body. I figure he is just upset that his wife is the talk of the town. the drunk wife of Miricho . Soon the men will drink and gossip about him. Karma is truly a *****.

My father calls me to his knees touches my face with both his hands, looks me right in the eye an says 'you are the only hope of this family. don't fail me'. i guess he has all the right to pour such heavy responsibility on me  . I am the only child of my father after all. At least the only child left. All the my step siblings died in the famine together with their mothers. we were the only survivors. He refused to marry again.The shock was too much. Loosing 11 children. outliving the army he brought into this world. What king is left without a kingdom to rule and still call himself king?  I a tempted to marry the ugly  man at the village market just to make my father happy but my brain screams education. Or is it the white man pretending to be my brain.