Eleven AM
Rub back groggy eyes and stretch out cramped toes
get dressed if the fam is home
stay **** if it seems quiet
run back if you made the wrong assumption and try again
check your face, anything new?
Say hi to way-to-young-to-have-you wrinkles cross your forehead
say goodbye to bulbous pimples that arrived overnight
take a ****, check the news,
head downstairs and wait till noon.

Twelve PM, or sometime around then
you've said your hello's to your fam
if they're in,
and if not you say hi to comedy central and your bestie Gin
quarter past means its reasonable enough to climb back to bed
here's a hint:
to convince yourself you're busy,
keep your phone, laptop and tv all on or within arms reach.
That gets me through the day,
minus the occasional *** and drink break
or random banter between family
( only if cross paths accidentally)

Six PM
Time to give in and drink the rest of whatever's left from last night
*****, Wine, *** and Gin
Mix, grab my pack and head out back
chain-smoke until I gag and hack
sway and sing about those
doses and mimosas, that champagne and *******
but did it get me through?
or just mask the truth

1AM in bed still, or again
this is usually when my life comes crumbling in
either I'm destroying what I love or they're destroying myself
or maybe the ***** just makes it all seem like too much.
I'll say "Baby, I'm giving it up its too much,
I've had so many revelations, seen the light and been touched
**** tomorrow I'll be good, tomorrow I'll expand
I'll get my fat *** out of bed, I'll ******* shake a strangers hand
Tomorrow's the start baby, you'll see
Tomorrow I'll finally get back to being me"

Eleven AM
Rub back groggy eyes and stretch out cramped toes
get dressed if the fam is home
stay **** if it seems quiet
run back if you made the wrong assumption and try again
check your face, anything new?
Say hi to way-to-young-to-have-you wrinkles cross your forehead
say goodbye to bulbous pimples that arrived overnight
take a ****, check the news,
head downstairs and wait till noon.

Can't do it any longer so I'll tell myself
for tonight
it's nicer at the bottom.
This ******* hole I keep finding myself in
no matter what I keep finding myself here
so why do I keep trying to find my way out?
I'll grab some blankets and red wine
waiting, waiting, waiting to die.
My only goal is to finish this glass
so I can make my body look the way my insides feel;
chewed up and spit out
by the only thing that ever made me feel pure
god nothing made me feel as good as you;
I fear nothing ever will
and no one ever can
and every night will be the same
every night will be my last;
Every night I'll tell myself I love it at the bottom
until I'll remember what made me try to get out in the first place
and finally swallow that pill bottle.

Years i thought i lost you found in me
Wasted days now count for things
I never thought they could;
One by one i let those shadows
Fade away,
Its true what they say
It'll all make sense
In the end of days..

I fell in love with half of you
The half i knew
The one you showed to select few
(Typically the girls you wanted to swoon)
And i loved you
So full of yourself, untouchable
Desirable
The ****** begging to be tainted
Begging for me to be the one to take it
(So i did)
And i loved you.
But the second half you hid well
And only now do i find
I wasn't the only girl
Who had come to your mind
(I wonder if they still do from time to time)
I still love you
Even if your second half's a ****

With a face and voice like that you’d never guess
the girl was five foot ten
she walks in and towers above the image
you expected
a girl pushing five feet, dainty, even whimsical
but surely petite
she’s far from petite

This girl sympathizes with transgender bodies
yet envies those who succeed
Hormones and knives can fix gods mistake
but nothing can fix me
so women will sit dreaming of dropping pounds
and she dreams of dropping feet
never complete

Psychs and shrinks digress this to be nothing more
than another disorder
Her views on herself are simply brushed off
as body dysmorphia
yet therapy nor pills shall shake her desire
to fix gods mistake
by freeing her soul of this giant hell hole
leaving it for someone else to take.

I've memorized the dance routine to get down my creaky staircase;
left two three, right two three, spin, skip and check.
Then quickly get into the garage for a way-past-bedtime cigarette.
Once I’m done, I quietly walk into the living room to check on her.
Although my mother has a large bedroom,
her hips are so brittle she's claimed the living room as her nighttime retreat.
My stomach churns with guilt as our puppy leaves her side
tail wagging excited to come greet me,
something she never does for my mom.
Alone on the couch,
her desperate attempt for the shared affection our dog gives her children
clearly having failed; I nearly collapse from the guilt.
If only I could force that dog
to give her the one thing she needs, craves and deserves.
Why must the world be so hard for some, and easy for others.
Where people have their lives destroyed,
their lovers killed, their passions crushed
and others sail through it all in bliss.
Why can’t this ******* puppy go back to sleeping at my mother's feet
to show she loves her as much as my brother and I,
instead of following me back up the stairs.


A clumsy dog wouldn't know to avoid that bottom step,
my mother wakes to cold feet.

I know the hollow
Blank state, empty smile
The way each day blends
And never ends.
Once in my eyes, they've
Flown to yours
And day by day
The hollow gets worse.
I've tried to solve the
Impossible
Unfixable
But we all know there is no quick fix
Just wait...
One day you'll feel
The air on your skin
And stare out your window
And realize its been
So long since youve run barefoot in your lawn
Just like that its gone,
Until then, hold on