i had a dream last night that there was water in my lungs.
i could feel the ocean wrapping careful hands around my limbs,
caressing my thighs with soft seaweed,
my hands with gentle current.

i could taste salt on my lip,
the way a first kiss with a new lover settles and stains on the skin above your tongue,
i could taste the care the water was taking in taking my life.

taking it's time, the ebbing ocean snaked across my midriff,
hands on waist, wasting away at skin with salty touch as sandpaper
scraping away at my sense of self

i dreamt the water changing pace from calm glass coffee table top,
held flowers and coffees and your feet and mine,
overlapped and intertwined
and into
undertow,
pulling your hand from my waist
and your salt from my mouth

i dreamt that i saw nothing,
felt nothing
but your salty sandpaper hand scraping skin across my collar bones
as you pulled your coral reef body away.
the glassy water turned to pavement
and you left me in rapids under black ice.

i had a dream that i was trapped under ice,
with children skating on top
and i couldn't hear or breathe or scream
but i could feel their skates on my insides
they cut my hair with their blades
and as they spun in circles above me
i spiraled further into the depths of an ocean
that felt more like a fire.

i had a dream last night that there was water in my lungs,
and it hurt less to breathe then
than it does now that you're gone.

i never thought about how it would feel to cough the water back up,
until i realized how much it hurt going down.
and i was never scared of the ocean
until i saw it's vastness unescapable
it's arms
unrelenting
and it's love
everchanging
and i realized nothing's everlasting.

i was never scared of drowning
until i woke up puking the water i drank before bed.
and realized there was nothing more in my stomach
but salt.

Subject

Shortly after our
first date I joked
Don’t make me write a poem about you.

It’s been a year and I laugh
because my poems
have become your home.

It’s been a year and
you’re kissing
someone else and
I’m just kissing people
who aren’t you.

Waking up next to you
for the last time
we knew it was and
we had to tell each other
not to cry so we could
kiss for the last time

When we broke
you said to me
I don’t want to be the subject of one of your poems.

But I warned you.

Do you hear my screams?
Is anybody out there?
Anyone who will listen?
No.

I live in the ruins of
What used to be someone
Who was lifted up
Told that someone was proud of her
Usually by friends.
That changed.

Friends is a funny word.
All of mine seem to
Criticize me.
Tear me down.
Tell me everything I do is
Unforgivable.
Even if they were never there.

I send them my poetry
As if to evoke some kind of
Positive response.
But all I get in return is silence.

And the next day,
The biting comments return.
With high speed and full force.

I can't handle your negativity
All it does is injure me.

I do not know
Why you do what you do
You pray that I will stay broken
As if it will fix you.
Honey, if that's your philosophy
You have way more damage than I can help you to overcome.

Let me rip pages
     out of my world
          and scatter them
                around your life.

I'll spend my entire day thinking of
all the things I could be doing.
I'll spend next year not doing
all the things I said I would.
Instead I'll keep looking into the future
and living in the past.
I say I'll get to it later
And it's sad that no one warned me that
life goes so fast.

I gave you the ocean and all her waves.
I gave you my heart til the end of my days.
I asked you why are you always so tense?
It all came down to dollars and cents.