One of those days
Heavy deep sighs
Tears behind tired eyes
Purposeless lies
It’s alright and I’m fine
Tiptoeing that line
Empty pit
Losing it
Despair takes hold
Whilst I unfold
To broken to hold
Many pieces
No releases
Take me away
I don’t want to do this another day!

I want to be honest with someone
I want to show someone the closet full of bones, my attic of grief..
I want to want someone to care for these wounds
To understand the pain inflicted by them
I want someone to want to know my truth
To gingerly peel back the dressings covering these open gashes
To kiss my broken parts and accept them as they are
To hold me whilst they heal
But every time these bandages are pulled back
When they are raw and sore
I’m under attack
Like pressure points to bend me to there will
Forever a weakness
Forever a reminder that no one will ever love the broken
That raw is vulnerable
So I use the knives that stabbed me and I build an armour

I’m so tired of being me
Tired of feeling to much, too much love, too much hate, too much of my own body
When the tears you cry itch and burn and every emotion you feel makes your stomach churn

Tired …

Tired of caring to much, it’s exhausting
When social interactions cost all your rations and a hug can trigger enough to lead to regrettable actions
When crumbs on the floor stick, make you sick feeling engulfed in waves of unease it’s unappealing

To be me…

To be me and hate every inch of your being
To be me and live with all my neurosis
To itch and scratch In your brain and in your veins the unreachable unteachable tendrils that sliver

To be me is to be tired
To be tired is to be
Human.

A poem has rules and structure, a rhyme has to be well thought out and neat.
My words much like our love lack these qualities right now… like our love they are raw without rhyme or reason, not well thought out and by all means an absolute mess… and I think it’s beautiful, the way my brain turns to goo when I think of you. The way my heart forgets to keep its walls up when you hold me. The way when I see your smile I can’t understand the funny bursting feeling in my chest. I can’t explain how the curve of your smile against mine feels like two wholes becoming one. I can’t explain why two weeks ago I could have lived without you in my life and how the idea that I did baffles and hurts my heart. My words, like our love are full of boundless opportunities that could go on forever and climb to the greatest heights,  if only my heart could speak clearly… I can’t explain what it feels like to walk alone cold scared constantly slipping looking for shelter in all the wrong places and the relief I found the night I fell into your warm embrace, I can’t explain why you smell like home, feel like safety and kiss like passions personification….
I mean maybe I can, maybe I have some words but do they make much sense coming from this love drunk fool?

Wolf
Hot cold
Laughing loving leaving
Only here for moments
Precious
Yet never to be mine

I see kind eyes tracing my body
I hear my heart flutter when he nears
I taste his lips against my smile
I smell his scent on my sheets
And
I feel… oh too much...

See I wanted to check in with a smile or a grin
Show you some scale of grandeur or win
But when your smiles wafer  thin and you can see them looking in
Head hung low and you can't meet there eyes, raise your chin ....

See I wanted to ask
Are you okay?
How is your day?
But love is a currency I am to broke to pay

Just one more hurdle I've got to get through and I'll get back to you
Over this one under that one two steps forward one step back, hey look another panic attack...
A sign of reprieve puts my mind at ease
Of course but a tease
One breath and I'm back
Grief stricken heart attack

See I wanted to smile
Run for a mile
Or just sit and enjoy for awhile
With you and me
Good company
So once again I'll plea
no more hurdles please let me be
I have friends, a family to raise and people who need me...
Alas to no avail
The next trauma makes the last seem pale
And when I go to stand this time I know I may fail

See what I wanted was never on the cards
Life is one big hardship
Not some tale of fantasy sung by thy bard
So ignore my silence for words right now are just to hard...