Yes, Plath, my Plath,

I can't claim you as my Plath,
Not when I want to die
Nor when I want to live.

I don't even know how to
Do my words.
They flicker. I cannot touch them.

O what time did you go to bed?
You woke up so early
In the morning.
I think I know how and why.

That is what took my right
To call you
My
Plath.

Yes, Sylvia, my earth,

Let me be your moon.
You can't burn just like that.
My golden lotus,
You were among fierce flames

All the time.
I don't even know how to

Do my words.
They flicker.
I cannot touch them.

I want the
World to
Revolve around
Me

Some nights she jumps like
A child, weak yet so cheerful--
She's too soft to break

Some nights she jumps like
Adult, angry and depressed--
Still too soft to break

She knows plenty of
Hows to use the skipping rope--
She is still so soft.

The lilies bloomed in your chest,
Destroying the pure & dark
With unnecessary beauty.
Your ribs pale & hurt,
Hanging strong, hiding truth.
Such a mother I never would.

You could grow potatoes out of your skin
& feed the entire world yourself.
You could be a forest
& give your lungs for the Earth.
You could cry & clean the ocean.
You could die & still have lives.

But the lilies bloomed in your chest!
Your eyes curious like a child
& they sink to see
Your chest now all wet & *****,
They weep, & you wish you'd died.
O you, could die & still have lives.

my breath is gone & my neck is missing.
my forehead is swelling & hot i could just eat my brain raw.
i cannot find my throat but it tastes sour.

my eyes watery & colorblind.
while my stomach works too hard, my ears just can't take it anymore.
& my tongue knows only one taste.

my chest too tight & the bones won't do.
a song is sung, the time is up.
my clock keeps failing my now.

i read bible out loud & i became a saint.
my blood won't cure but it could wash sins.
just don't do this at home.

(1) i have no lungs because my stomach is as large as celestial body;

(2) i have no chest, therefore i don't have heart;

(3) only the ribs make me human & sternum keeps me sane;

(4) my cheeks are too round i've always thought i had no skull;

(5) but at night i'd hear it cracking & the pieces would become acnes on my face;

(6) i have no neck, only the pain that comes from the back;

(7) kidneys sure are something else, they only hurt when it's right.

A room white and bright.
We were so clear, we were just like a child.
Honesty wasn't a sin.
Society was *******.

A room clean and fresh.
Nothing like flowers, nothing like perfume.
All was pure.
Cries and laughs were genuine.

A room sincere and curious.
The voices did not bother us.
Ignorance did not matter, nothing did.
Only a life.

You and I, we, will pass
just like the rough nights
I thought would last forever.

when i see your eyes i see an eye and another eye.
when i see your eyes there's nothing much i can see other than your eyes.
when i see your eyes i see eyes.

your eyes keep reminding me of--what?!
and you blink and you do not sleep often
you wear bright yellow jacket because they say poet only wears black

and your head starts to burst
starts from your eyes, your eyes keep reminding me of--what?!
and you see, it's you and i--in a bright yellow jacket

I started burning
Like a phoenix

With a broken voice i sing a broken song
With a broken soul i live a broken life

With a broken head
you tell me what to say, what to do

Even a broken mirror does reflect
(Gotta be closer)
(Gotta be closer)

The cold cracks, the blinds fly
Measuring the frame

And distance
(Do not matter)
(Do not matter)

I was your baby, your stomachache,
moonlight on your hair, flower of your *******,
a curse to your womb, sweetness clotting in your veins.

I'll take you in, I've been waiting for so long.

It was August.
We both were dead, we
both were peacefully cold.

I'd never been such a soil before. I think I'll never be.

It was only an Avalokiteśvara error.
Our breath continued,
but we were no longer connected, they pulled
me out from you, they
only thought, how much of a nuisance I was to you.
And I spent my entire life to make you think the same way.

Come in, I'll make you tea.

It was always August.
You put too much sugar in our life,
oh God, don't make me tell you that.
I am sorry I don't have chairs.
Chairs are the thing to break the window, to open the door,
the thing to be kicked at 2 a.m.
I have a normal way of living, so I don't have chairs.

Would you come in?

I kept staring at your shadows.
I kept repeating your heartbeats.
I was your baby, your waking up songs,
eye of your world, crescent on your face,
an anchor to your chairs, softness wrapping your scarred hands.

I won't go home, mother.
I don't have any.
And I'll only make you cry.
I'll only make you feel worthless.

I don't make you proud.
I can't love you enough.
I cannot love.
I'll only hurt you.

And most of the time
I don't care if I do.
And the other time
I care, and, that is why.

My bones keep destroying my kidneys;
If only I had any brain,
If only I could have any intelligence.

Sorry. It is my fault I cannot tell stories.
It is in my DNA.
Sometimes I do, but I do not do.
Most of my doings are based on disorientations.

I would pray for you, mother,
You had to give birth to me.
I could bleed, or sleep.
My mouth could marry a hurt like that.

And each prayer is a sin.
You've been forgiven but I can't stop.
Sorry.
It is my fault that you met father.

My body sits there and I'll someday see it
clearly running out of darkness. It'll glow
though not blinding.

My body lies there and I'll someday have it
moving on its own. Balanced chemical
would never go wrong.

I'll dance in joy. I'll sing songs about spring.
Even though I know not a thing about
spring, I'll try. I know flowers and two
seasons. Aren't they enough?

If you are enough, so are they.

I tell my body to cut it off. My body in
cheesy arrogance, my body in self
righteousness, my body trying to fit in a
broken vase.

"I need water, I need water!" One cares not
about another. Does water need you?
Please stop being so possessive.

Feeling like dying is so much like touching a girl's chest for the first time --- I tremble and don't know how to stop; I do not breathe but my lungs are doing fine.

When my hair was long, people told me to cut it. Now my hair is short, people are telling me to never have short hairstyle ever again.

I am too heavy I cannot be in high places. They cannot hold me. They would collapse. I am too heavy I cannot even move my legs. My feet are planted to the ground. I may well be a high place.

But buried alive I am.

I do not breathe but my lungs are doing fine. I cannot swim anymore. I do not have hands anymore. My stomach is a pool full of HCl. My stomach is tomatoes stomped by muddy boots. My stomach too large I do not wear it anymore.

In the morning I don't think of dying anymore. I do not think of it anymore. I am actually doing it. The dying thing.

I have wings like bats, I eat rats like bats. When I have no money in my wallet I can't sell myself because no one wants to buy me. I have legs like snakes, I eat rats like snakes. In a night like this I only want to be a tiny sea creature. It would be cold enough. It would be salty enough. It wouldn't be beautiful. Nothing beautiful fits to be perfect. I want perfect. I want flawless.

Good bye. I can't see you again. Someday when I hear your name it would always be the first time. Please just let me. Go.

Thank you it's ok I don't need your help
Please don't stick to me I am fine on my own
Stop talking to me stop telling me what to do
Leave me alone I have my own way
Stop trying to pretend that you know better
Don't help me I am fine with myself
Don't help me I am fine on my own

There is nothing left
Only you, remaining years
Remaining tears
For a pink tinted jar
Small
******
Smells like jasmine tea
With some crumbled dreams

Sing a song, you sing, silent
Crushed sternum
Heart melted want to run away
Trying not to, trying not to
See you with honest eyes
Talk to you with childish voice
I hear you rush
I hear you beat
I am in your arteries
I am sorry for your stomachache
I can't do anything with the heat on your back

Change the glasses, we are going to
Libraries
Abandoned ones
Come home when no one's there
Go to school on holidays
We can't find each other
"Sorry, you aren't the one I am looking for"
That's how you do not grow
That's how you go to bathroom in the middle of nights
Thank you--

The heart splattered -- split in two is better
It's no longer of menstrual moods
It's no longer of cyclical downfall
It becomes a fate, an already finished piece
The said hidden new beginning
The said some who can't make it to the sequel

The back aches where wings used to be
It's another world issues
Political pain and illnesses
One doesn't remember any
The first cry carefully saved
Woman, behold, your son!

Look, here is your mother
Softened hands and tell you'll never let go
Look, here is your mother
The eyes you blend with ours
The body I dried to keep yours moisty enough ---
Just how much love can your heart take?

I need a good cry but
you don't want to see me cry.
You never understand what it is to cry.

The social world, the so-called maturity,
I don't know, if I learn to pretend,
would I still be able to be sincere?

Sweaty face bright purple and greasy
I used to hide my body between the pages
But he told me to not read any more

Itchy head heated enough to make tea
My eyes are now how the trees say my name
My eyes are now the leeches I put in empty tampons

Sweaty neck I only want some traces of lips
Sweaty palms I only want some other fingers
Sweaty thighs I only want to walk well

******* sad wrapped in plastic
Cranky child trapped in old wrinkling skin
It may well be irrational excuses

Womb nervous and not worthy
Cerebral excuses, hormonal excuses
Highly sensitive person excuses

Delayed maturity excuses
Premenstrual syndrome excuses
Premature menopause excuses

Abusive motherhood at 5
Traumatic childhood at 18
What happens in between stays in between

Sinful gazes
Childlike crime
Hiding faces
In the dark

"What do you do when
You got a plastic bag
Some elastic bands
And sleeping pills?"

Silly head
Old-century heart
May your soul
Rot not reek

When I cannot take it anymore,
I am being "too much".

Before 6 a.m.
I cannot fall asleep
It's like a spell
Keeping my eyes open wide

Seeing nothing
Mind thinking of houses flooded
Hands dull and worried
Hands sick and dry

Painted on my sides
And there are also legs
But not mine
Not anymore

\

Did you know?
Wide thighs are the cause of heart attacks
So they plant some skyscrapers on there
Yet put some medicines in between

\

*Legs all grown and boring
They only talk when they drink
Legs all hurt and scarred
They only walk in the brink

The head losing itself
A rainforest
Lake in the heart

Hundred tombstones
Named Narcissus
They Echo

Icy, bluish lungs
Pallid violet nails
Lips still yet loving

Salty bamboos
Necrophilic whistles
Siren's footsteps

Illegal loggers
Burying selves alive
Love, love that is

Am filling my right eye with sand and i'm blinking fine
So clear, Rumpelstiltskin, i knew your name
But the womb won't do
You yourself have feet like mother --
They are dancing and stamping on you

Realize what they really are
The heart can't beat for so long
You didn't wish you were so strong
In my eyes you are grained,
Enough to feed on your own

And i bit my nails but they
Kept growing long
And i cut my hair but it kept growing long
And the skin is dry, tongue and teeth are dry
The knees tinted pink and they fade-

Back then the chest wasn't so heavy
Too much water, maybe
We kept drying the air, the sky
We kept burying clouds in the lungs
And now are broke for buying too many headstones-

Rumpelstiltskin, i know your name
So clear, now i tell you, the womb won't do
You yourself have feet like mother
Dance and stamp on me -- it won't do
So clear, now i tell you, the villagers never liked you---

We had so much water it was too easy to drown
We had so much water it was so hard to walk
We had so much water we even couldn't talk
So clear, Rumpelstiltskin, i knew your name
Am filling my right eye with sand and i'm blinking fine -- except i stop crying i will be fine

We are lost, you know,
And the wind isn't looking for
Us anymore. She is busy
Blowing the skirts of young
Ladies. How we used to be,
Red and bright, boiled soft,
Warm, our feet were never
Cold, our fingers
Where the flowers
Bloomed. We lost, you know,
They never come to
Us anymore. They prefer
Good soil and a gardener.

We had these things we
Thought we would end
Up hating. We are lost, you know,
Now we want to go back,
Under the blanket, under
The bed,
Under the feet of gods,
Heavy sky on our chest,
Sharp rain on
Our head,
They are not so bad compared
To our teeth.

The wind doesn't reach
Our home anymore.
We aren't there, maybe
That's why. Why
Isn't she looking for us?
Maybe the earth does
Not love
Her enough. We are lost, you know, not
That we wander. Maybe
We are just too forgetful, maybe
We can't have ice anymore, maybe
From now on we have to eat rocks, maybe
Our lungs
Cannot keep looking pink, maybe
The kidneys only want more, more,
More, more, more. Please
Be careful when you drive.
It's not my fault
If we crash. I can replace our
Lungs with a cloud, it
Would hurt a little, but please endure,
We are never going back, the
Time doesn't go back, neither do
We, so please endure,
None of us really ticks.
It's all human-made.

We are lost, you know,
And the road too, now
The cars are confused,
They learn to swim
But seawater makes them
Weak. But we
Lost, you know. The
Wind isn't looking for
Us anymore. She is busy
Blowing the skirts of young
Ladies. How we used to be,
Red and bright, letting out
Healthy cries, only
That we didn't sleep at all.

I cannot eat
you from here, please,
come closer.

You are a flower
blooming in the
wrong season, no,
this isn't always about
you. So when
I sing to you I
sing to wind and
it was you who raised
my voice, so
high only
bats can hear.

Ruby or blood,
I am gonna have them both.
You don't worry
anyway because it
is my growth.

It's not ******* anymore.
And nothing to
do with pregnancy. The
stomachache is
genuine -- so pure and poor,
melodious chemical reactions of leftovers.

You wish
You were broken so
You could be fixed. But sadly
You are enough.
You are so enough and strong and beautiful and
You shouldn't feel so bad about yourself.

Father's the way the
Villagers did curse God, yet
Powerless we are

Leftovers in my head,
the insects are long dead,
i have heartbreaks but
they would never be enough
until they pretended i
am a mortal, a

human with two legs ---
all two will be donated
to WWF.
Hear it? Listen

to a trembling lips
daring not to voice
a promise. You
know the consequences
of a promise. It's almost terrifying

until
you keep daydreaming
about plane, car, train crashes,
you keep daydreaming

about lethal poisoning, falling from 100th, any accidents
possible,
you keep daydreaming, even in prayers,

his body covered in oil, in blood,
his body cold and dry,
his body and white and yellow flowers,

and you cry but you cry the softest.

*

I am going to forget
that we needed jasmines, at
least we needed it so much we
started to pray to them,

i am going to forget
oxygen deprivations,
i am going to start
doing morning marathons,
i am going to
lose my kidneys, as well as my legs,

but i have the heart.
I have the heart and you will be happy,
they will be happy,
and i'll
blame myself for that.

I've been dreaming of memory losses or i really am losing sense of self

A painting on the room, a girl sits like an ant, three straight haired girls laughing like nothing is happening, another thinking about *** all the time; a boy in a frame, all boys watching ****, all boys eating their own toes;

A tree, a whole tree in your stomach

"Your tongue is going to be enoki farm, that's what i think," he said to a carefully moonlit ice cube, he said that to his mother too, he said that to the taxi driver; now he is becoming lunatic, he wants lake, he wants paper, he wants to drown in the sky

Now is the time, now is not the time, please do not stop, oh, please stop

"Sorry i yelled, i was on my period," a boy says sorry to his grandfather, his grandfather died a year before his adolescence, his grandfather had no ears before he was buried, his grandfather was a bunny, he used to eat carrots a lot that's why a boy sees you with different eyes, that's why a boy sees you with clearer sight

You judge me unfair, but i don't care, it's better than you knowing what i really am

So we are competing, so we want to see who is more terrible at being liar, so we try to hide things in exposures, but you lose, but i also do
So we are objectifying ourselves and we don't want to stop
We love the smell, we long for the reeks, we want hurt, we want the thing they do to sinners, we want fire, we want the burns, we want the pain but we run
And no one thinks of coming back

"A year from now we will become strangers," oh, to shooting stars

But heart isn't the only thing that beats, but heart isn't the only thing that draws blood to your head

I am, i am, i am, losing my legs!

It was another way of saying i love you but you don't understand my stomach is growing, my stomach is alive, my stomach is going to **** me at midnight so i won't sleep, i won't feel sleepy at all, i will see the sun rises, and i won't fear when she is here, i won't fear even when she is outside; she exists and she proves it-

Why can't anyone do the same?*

Life does not go that way, it does not go any way; life is stomachache, life is ******* and marital rapes, life is what your country does to separatists-
"I've been dreaming of wide windows," says the moon, "but there's

None wide enough for me."

When I talk God I mean:
You

I have no problems except my body wide as a baseball field except there's no boy in it
and i eat at midnight and when i say stomachache it could mean anything
it could mean my right knee hurts (i am losing my legs) or my thighs are a rainforest except there's no life in it it could mean the sky is falling except i weigh more than it
I have no problems except when other girls are pretending that they are dumb i cannot pretend except i really am
dumb and cannot even read the cuckoo's calling because my father says literature is all **** except that is not his fault having a kid like me except my brain is too wrinkled people think my head's a box of sunmaid
(they begin to eat from my head)
and when i say my face round as a basketball i mean it (i mean it) i can even paint it red except when i see people's eyes i cry and my face boils so that's why i can't keep my mind cool
(i have never been cool anyway)
I have no problems except when i talk i talk superficial and maybe that's why i stop and i never keep the conversation going except i talk to a trash can except i don't want to talk to a trash can except god really does exist
except you don't know what god i am talking about
the god in the face, the god
god heart of a god like you
do you stand at the blackboard, daddy? we sat under the lights and you said, "let's go home, you have curfew, don't you?"
and when my mother talks she talks so much like ******* --- or constipation or another contraction (i can't tell the difference) but i was not answering her calls i am never answering her calls because i am moon not just because the medications or my face because she is goddess not just because motherhood or marital rapes
(I have no problems except when you kissed me you thought it was better than returning my hug except after that you felt sorry except i only wanted more)

Really? Thanks for being there
even when I
cannot cling to you, even when I
am nowhere,
alone while having stomachaches
and trying to claim a heart
attack.

The thought of a cutter
making a hole
on my throat
is better
than you kissing me on the lips.

I tried to binge eat and forget
what you told
me to forget,
because I cannot
cut, I cannot lose any
more blood; I
don't think I
have enough.

Really? I kept you awake;
I keep you awake,
or asleep with tons of nightmares,
every single night even
when I
am gone, completely
gone.

When i think of you i think of death
A tasteless, neutral more than god
An easy one

When i think of you i think of death i think of mother
The last time i saw her eyes
They were fading like sharpie on my hands
They sounded like a cave, like leftovers

I do not think i could love anymore
When i think of that i think of a river or a sea
The beds and my body, the beds and my body
A casablanca, a jasmine, i wonder if the window would be high enough--
When i think of that i remember, charlie
Don't jump

Hometown, how i wish i don't belong
The towns where they don't know my name
The town that has known me for years
Yet i barely know her
It was me who decided to go home
Yet how i wish i don't belong
How i wish i was that strong

"Hey, stop it.
You are romanticizing."

Don't ******* tell me to stop
Don't ******* tell me to stop what i don't even started

1/
I once had hands like ******* and
when i touched your cheeks you became
bathroom floor.
I didn't tell father i am keeping the

bathroom *****, but i wouldn't let anyone
clean it.
My roommate is sleeping like a pig; i think
i, too, am becoming a higher being.

2/
Back to where it started
It started in somewhere like this;
the very beginning of despair
and all the dark agony
clouding your entire soul ---
it appears on your
skin so do not hide!
Do not hide
for you are so clear yet the world
is too blind

You saw me and you knew i was just a little bit sleepy but why did you burn the incense and cried in front of me?

[I wasn't dead... yet]

You begged and begged so i would make it easier for you but you did not know i am god and immortal and i know everything right and wrong, so

what if i chose the latter?

----

[I didn't, though.]

They won't understand
and i'd be okay with that.
Just a bit lonely.

When i hide, you go
Seek. Why can't you understand,
As simple as that?

i run
lose my legs
i run
what is pain? she runs
loses her legs
i tell you mother
a story and a marathon race
i tell you mother
a garden and a chest
i tell you, i tell you
as you appear in nightmares
as you
as you

and i do not exist anymore
and i run and i lose my legs
so i tell you mother
from the beginning to the end
i tell you
i tell you

i tell you

1/

That thumb, much uglier than other thumbs, is purple and dull. It reminds me of your mother's right arm. Young and bruised. Your father really liked her skin that way.

At night, they had *** like there would be no other day. Your father rough like a rock and your mother weak like an ant. It was more like marital ****. One thing they discussed in a healthy way; they hid future in a grey safety box to forget the passcode.

When they were trying to **** each other you only could grow and grow.

You are a tree living in a big city. You have no friend to talk to and your brother begins to think that you were born silent. With so much happening inside my root? i heard you breathed. I hear you breathe. I hear you breathe. Please stop.

Or don't. If you stop, i die. If i die, you stop. Or we could become a bird and live near a steel factory. There are so much different ways to die. Why would we choose one?

You wanted to choose three. It was raining hard and you wanted to choose three.

You told me before. You had older brother like skyscraper. Another like asphalt. They did not live at a same place, but soon, they would eat the great wall and become a white china vase. Jesus would break them and mary would not find out. Joseph would have had killed her before.

2/

Hey, i think i know adam. I think he was fishing and drinking from the toilet bowl while the teacher was explaining how babies are delivered. You could not help but imagine your skin down there being cut. Like a film. First take.

You had no action. You were a bark, poor and dead. No one loved you until you pretend you are god.

Actually you are. God.

Actually they do not love you, god. Actually they are afraid of you, god. They think you care about them, god.

3/

Oh god. You don't, do you?

You don't, do you?

I killed her, i killed her
But she isn't dead*
My death, my death,
I killed her
But she isn't dead

It's easy
and light

so clear
and bright

like christmas or
another birthday

But the clouds
are actually

heavy

cruel

painful

They ****

even when
you stay in

passenger seat
next to a stranger

whose head
rests on your shoulder

And when they wake up
oh when they wake up;

The way you smile
is the way

they judge you
so

Don't.

The first time i touch a boy i got a scar on my left hand and it stays there like a pale exclamation mark for about 13 years until now and i don't think it would fade or go like him after he got me bleeding and i wiped it with my white skirt and mother asked me i don't know i don't know i don't know
I used to be afraid of mother she once appeared as a monster in my dream she was so many she was so scary i could not even tell her that i was having a terrible fever i was afraid of her i swear i was
Sweating since the time i was born and it often makes me remember mother but she won't talk to me she won't talk to me any more i cannot talk to her she does not want to hear me she does not want to listen to my voice because
I remind her of her own self
That now she is trying to abandon
Knives in her stomach and my left hand is a dancer's hand i know it hurts, i know it hurts, mother
So when you bark i know you won't bite
And when you cry i'll run and pretend you aren't important to me and i will burn my airplane tickets and i won't go home i won't go home i won't go home
I wanna stay here forever
I wanna stay here forever
It's a pretty long time
I cannot stand long time
When i think of long time i think of hospital and there were you and i there were a lot of you and i and it's not only blood and cries but medicines and mri and needles oh
I cannot stand long time
Doctor, we won't come to you
We run out of time, and money, we cannot pay the taxi anymore
And when father says he will do anything
He lies

And i will not hand you a rope, mother,
Your hands are the rope
And mine are the ceiling.

Heaven is the way
I wrote those pretty letters
I've now forgotten

My mother is a
Broken bead of her bracelet
I tore in childhood

Your love makes me puke
And i and my roommate keep
The bathroom *****

O, glorious thing!
Let us do it gracefully --
*Take my warmth from me