I want to lie down and hug my pillow for a minute
I want to lie down and forget the world and what is in it
I want to lie down and my crazy thoughts derail
I want to lie down and deeply just exhale
I want to lie down and close my eyes to rest
I want to lie down and feel the dark's caress
I want to lie down and forget about it all
I want to lie down and listen to that voiceless call
I want to lie down and forget these ruby laced wrist
I want to lie down and simply not exist

©Pauline Russell

I stand here covered in all my sin
(But what am I to do)
Please just take a look again
(I'm right in front of you)
No way I can make amends
(please open your eyes wide)
Wish you could feel where I've been
(anger is only my disguise)
Under the weight of this pain
(my angry words I threw)
The things I did were not sane
(the distance between us grew)
At times I'm still disarranged
(Fighting , I'm only human too)

I'm so very sorry, I know what I did was wrong
I'm so very sorry, I know I can be  headstrong
I hope you forgive me, but either way we must both carry on
If I'm not in your life's journey, may you feel my love is strong

©Pauline Russell

Suffocated by agony, dazed with confusion
Stuck in reality, that I'd druther be an illusion
Skinned alive, right straight down to raw emotion
Not a save harbor to be found, on my life's raging ocean
A living oxymoron, I'm raw to the touch but inside hollow
How much more will I be forced to swollow

I must be looking mighty strong
See the universe, keep piling it on
Can't anybody at all tell
Still in the middle of my living hell
Birds tweeting like nothings wrong
Mocking me with their sweet song

How much longer will I stand in front of life's curtain
Knowing only pain and sorrow are for certain
Drowning in the deepest darkest grief
Innocence, love, joy, and sanity, stolen by the thief
How much longer will it be till that final decision
Before it's made, that final incision

I must be looking mighty strong
See the universe, keep piling it on
Can't anybody at all tell
Still in the middle of my living hell
Birds tweeting like nothings wrong
Mocking me with their sweet song

Only a shadow of what I could of been
Being made to atone for mine and other's sin
I've tasted on my lips everything that could mar
Inside and out I wear the battle scars
Should I step behind the final veil
Slice myself out if this prison cell


©Pauline Russell

Slammed to the bottom of the hole
Where all broken spirits go
A lacerated soul
Rains silent tears that flow

Realizing, I'm now totally alone
Your not here to console
You lost your self-control
Without me you reached the goal

With anger and grief
For drugs I reach
A simple relief
Running away with your thief

©Pauline Russell

I shouldn't even hold on
My children all tell me, you did a little right but mostly all wrong
Feeling like I don't belong

I should let it just end
Boyfriend that will only call me a friend
Down into the darkness I descend

Standing in front of death's gate
Not fast enough to change anyone's fate
Sorrow, anguish, and guilt will not abate

Pumping my veins full of drugs
Never again to feel my soul-friend's hugs
Confronted now with only shrugs


I shouldn't even hold on
I should let it just end
Standing in front of death's gate
Pumping my veins full of drugs

©Pauline Russell

My heart is bleeding again
It will never mend
It will never heal
Into my sleep you steal
Giving dreams of you
How our friendship grew
Waking up to reality
Sorrow is a guarantee
I open my eyes
Sun doesn't sympathize
Winds don't care
Everywhere I look you're there
Life now so mundane
Heart bleeding once again

©Pauline Russell

With the reception I'm getting from you
I might as well be in Timbuktu
It's a growing feeling of deja vu

All my words you misconstrue
I tried to explain till in the face I'm peacock blue
One of these days your gonna get whats due

And life, on you is gonna chew
And spit you out like rancid stew
Then maybe you will feel bad for what you do

Treating me like a pair of old brown shoes
Walking on me until your through
An apology is overdue
Don't give me that look you know it's true

With you every thing is a hullabaloo
I think I'll find someone new
With them I'll move to Kalamazoo
There my life you can't askew

©Pauline Russell