This is the very first SNOGGO adventure, written by SNOGGO himself in the 1st Person (well, by Edna Sweetlove really)
Cruising through space, looking out of the space porthole, seeing the planets passing by, jesus ******* christ we were so excited, all those ******* planets, what a ******* staggering sight.
Sharon, our Captain (at three foot six and twenty-one and a half stone an imposing looking woman), bellowed out her order: 'Prepare to descend, you mothers!'
So most of us stopped ******* and we started preparations for the descent onto the surface of the treacherous unknown planet ****** (aka Big ****** on account of there having been a mix up in naming newly discovered planets and so the universe had ended up with three planets all called ******) - as I was saying, the planet ****** on which no ******* human ever, ever, ever trod on before. Wow, this was ******* exciting.
The zonometer showed we were only 3,000 feet above the surface of the unknown planet....2,900, 2,800, 2,700, 2,600, 2,500, 2,400......
You got the ******* picture?
BLAM!! We landed. The ******* zonometer was inaccurate, but that's what happens when you buy cheap Asian imports at a ******* discount.
Captain Sharon went through the full three-hour post-landing, pre-disembarcation procedure whilst I was *******. I did an enormous one, very smelly and utterly horrible. She was waiting at the door when I finished and she was clearly very constipated.
It was time to disembark onto the unknown surface of the unknown planet ******. The stratodoor opened and we were overwhelmed by the stench which hit our ******* nostrils toute suite: purest ****. What kind of people were the Bolloxonians who couldn't even organise a decent sewage system?
I was chosen (on account of my club foot) to be among the first to descend onto ******'s surface. It was cool and I limped heroically onto the planet's surface.
We explored a bit, being careful not to step on the huge piles of used condoms everywhere. The terrain was hideous and eldritch, a bit like my Aunt Edna's bedroom after she's been entertaining the local retards for a ******* ****-in.
We saw this thing. My mind could not immediately recognise it for its utter, brain-blowing horror. I cannot tell you what it was, the words fail me, my intellect goes into shut-down mode. O holy **** it was ghastly. All right, I'll tell you what it was. It was a THREE HUNDRED FOOT ****, all covered in oozing pus and vibrating bleeding worms and so on and **** like that.
The crew of the our spaceship were enraptured and I was nearly killed in the scrum to get stuck in to this mighty beauty. We had travelled three light years, crossed fifty galaxies, battled twelve-inch penised space midgets for the right to feast on this great ****.
What can I say? How can I describe the mighty cry that rose up from the assembled crew as they started to gobble the giant space poo lump....?
'YUM! YUM! YUM! YUM! YUM! YUM!' they shrieked orgasmically, ******* themselves in well-earned contentment. I think we must agree that it was delicious and well worth the journey.
THE END
* for the benefit of my transatlantic fans, a stone equals 14 pounds; thus 21 1/2 stone = 301 pounds, an amusing weight for someone only 3'6" high in her best Laboutins.