In the midst of all my pain and anguish, you were there to break my fall
When I felt lonely and abandoned, you chose to stand out amongst them all
You chose not to force your way in, but waited until there was no more wall
And if it wasnt for what you did, I dont know if I'd be standing here at all

You’re upset but I no longer can care,
I won’t repeat my sensitivity,
Still figuring out how you love him so fair,
But life has its way of giving no pity,

I avoid the words I know you will spit,
The labor of love is truly hard work,
I’ll listen to how your desire’s writ,
As I fall back into my state of murk,

In the haze of thoughts I think of moments,
Where it was just us in the grass and trees,
There wasn’t a care of an opponent,
Except the occasional swat of bees,

My swelled heart will forever be yours.
I’ll listen to your never-ending wars.

I wish I could tell you I’m a loner
No more, whenever I need your hands
And lips holding every part of me, and
Shredding my threshold because this is just
A guard I build to keep people from invading
Our heaven, I wish I could shout and sing to the world
Our songs of love, they find freakishly weird,
Because they haven’t seen a love like this and lovers
Like we’re going to be, I would write in every inch of this
Air, and sand, and river, and sky,
About how I’m at loss of words to explain this feeling
Because with you, I’m not me and my words are not
Mine anymore, but just your smell and touch
I long to explore and explain to thousand stars and
Raindrops, just to prove that their beauty fails so
Horribly before your hazel eyes, and I know
Even petrichor would shy against your fragrance,
So I don’t have concrete answers whenever you ask
“what are we” and “what is this feeling”
Because I don’t know,
I don’t know how you turn my blood and bones
Into a wild whisper and I don’t know
Why your thoughts are enough to let a smile
Brew around me, because with you, I’m
Not me and my words are not mine anymore.

In broken minds do broken hearts relapse,
A burning match, the fading light goes out.
This shaky world around me might collapse,
Slowly the pillars of my life fall down,
And leave me empty, brittle through the bone.
An indecisive mess, at best, I feel,
That no-one else can help, just me, alone.
And how can I when I don't know what's real?
The life around me sings but still I can't,
Find peace enough within to say a word,
So silent desperation's where I start,
And where I stay, afraid I might get hurt.
There's one thing you should know before I quit;
That you deserve the world, and I'm not it.

I'll know it's love when I am wedged between a line of cars on a busy street in the middle of a commute
listening to the radio and thinking about what food I have leftover in my fridge
or what the weather's going to be like tomorrow
this is when I'll know.
it'll happen suddenly
randomly,
an earthquake in the center of my Tuesday
somewhat of a surprise
like walking through a haunted house knowingly
the shock is inevitable but expected
or it might hit me
like a lightning bolt on a day with a vacant sky
like a bus when I cross the intersection without looking
okay
maybe not that violently
maybe it will be subtle
like the moon's descent into crescent form over time
like the evolution of freckles on skin from sun
quiet in its arrival but still apparent
it could occur to me loudly
almost like a revelation
but more like an understanding that has been building for months
growing inside this body of mine
I often bury feelings in my stomach
feeding them subconsciously until they become too full to cover with ease
love will come to me like a secret I have been hiding for weeks
pouring out like a confession I never wanted to give
I like to say that falling hard is a habit I've overcome by now
but I would be lying if I did

To say
that love makes itself known visibly
from the exact minute we meet someone
is not exact truth
but you'll know when it does
creeping out strategically into your routine,
love will settle in your bone marrow until it has formed into a disease

see I'll know it's love
when I go to search my wallet for parking meter change and I only find your name
when the empty in my bed grows too big for just my body
when every ring a cellphone hums reminds me of your laugh
when the onset of cold makes me miss the comfort of your holding
when I start to wonder what a life never knowing you would be like
when I can't remember how I ever survived on this earth without you
I'll know it then
and I'm not sure when that will be
It could be the last thing I think of as I fall sleep
or at 3:47 in the morning
I can't promise I'll be ready
or that I'll be waiting patient
love will come to me like a fear I've been afraid to say admit I have
but I will tackle it head on
welcoming with open arms
say hey, what's up, hello
I've got this
it might not be obvious
but I have been practicing my entire life
for this exact moment

The aftermath is what gets me
The remnants of
The picking up the pieces
How it is
two years later and I still am

I lost myself without realizing
after trying to move forward
I never made time to confront things
It took me months to notice that I had been missing

How do you get over
something you never really got over?

How do you move past
a moment thats still living in yours?

I tell myself it doesn't bother me
That I only remember when I lay in bed at night
Or walk for a while
Or think for too long
Or hear someone talk
Or breathe
I only remember
when I think I'm starting to forget

The mess I'm still sweeping
isn't a good enough story to tell.
It has yet to end.
I will be cleaning as long as I'm here,
I know this.
Two years later and I still am
I still am
I'm still here