our clothes flung to the floor
my bedsheets rumpled
our hearts racing
my hands shaking

Our bodies intertwined
his voice soft
our awkward laughs
his hungry gaze

our fumbling fingers
my hushed moans
our love shining
his beautiful smile

Waking up in a pool of sweat and tears,
my memories haunting my nightmares.
I had just fallen asleep at 2 a.m
because I stayed up all night stressing.
Because I was afraid to face you
the following morning.

I thought I'd slept for hours,
that I had just forgotten
to set my alarm on accident.
But when I squinted to see,
the red numbers only read 3.
And though I'm physically tired,
I've never felt more mentally awake.

Drawing lines on myself
with a knife in place of a pen,
wanting someone to see,
anyone to see.

Because no one sees
that my tears are a cry for help,
that whenever I make suicide jokes
they're less of joke
and more of a fantasy.
That I don't just wear sleeves all the time
because I'm constantly cold.

So I'll finish my sketch
and display it for everyone to see.
I hope everyone likes it.
Not everyone likes abstract art after all...

Hands are shaking
knees are quaking,
no way to stop the addictive
flow from inside my veins.
Though never the way I'd predicted,
quitting is the toughest strain.
But the pull is hard to fight,
like a thousand piercing knives,
slicing until I find the light.
No matter what I must overcome the trance
or I'll just be performing the same old dance.

My time is up,
the flame's burned out
and there's no wick left
to start it back up.
All hope is gone.

I wish I had a hidden talent
that could bring a crowd to its knees.
I can barely balance
on both feet,
yet alone sing a solo
or play water polo.
I can't put others in a trance
when I dance,
or speak to a crowd,
or even make my parents proud.
No one will ever notice me
when all I can write is poetry.

Since I was little I've always had a lot of friends
that were with me wherever I went.
Furry friends that had paws and tails,
but were not alive

They always greeted me
with sewn on smiles
and glimmering glued on eyes,
and though they couldn't say hello,
I was proud to call them my friends.

I met my best friend on my fifth birthday,
a brown dog with
a cheesy name and an easy smile,
and every year since our
two halves became whole
we've celebrated that day ever since.

Every year of my life was a
new year for new friends,
but as my friend circle grew
so did the judgement.
No longer was it considered cute
to tote around stuffed animals like a toddler

"You need to make real friends," my parents would say,
when I had reached middle school
and never had so much as a sleepover,
unlike my sister who always
had people swarming around her
like bees to a hive.

Little did they know I had
tried to make friends,
tried to act normal without any luck.
If people wouldn't even accept
the facade I had put up
what reason would they have
to accept the real me?

The other kids they laughed at me,
calling me a mute because my anxiety
often stole the words off the tip of my tongue
before sound could carry them out.

My furry friends let me cry into them
when I'm upset,
won't call me weird or stupid
for the things I say.
Whenever I fall apart,
those stitched on smiles
put me back together,
telling me everything
is going to be okay.

My stuffed animals are the
biggest influences in my life.
I'll never go anywhere without one by my side
and if other people can't accept that
and think I have a problem,
then they're the ones with the problem

Do you like her more
because she's more talkative?
Because she comes as blunt as a pencil
but with words that stab like a knife?
Do I need to change
in order for you to like me?

Because I know when you look at me all you see
is someone who is not her.
Someone that is not worth your affection and time.

Your actions stab me like a knife.
Stab.
when I saw you two walking together.
Stab.
when I heard you tell her she was beautiful.
Stab.
When I smelled the remnants of her perfume on you.

You're killing me slowly,
never hitting a major artery,
always torturing me.

Amber colored bubbles
rising within me,
I can hear each one
coming to the surface,
then popping.
Amber colored bubbles
fizzing up
like strawberry soda,
making me feel all tingly
from my fingers to my toes.
Amber colored bubbles
slicing through the dark,
beaming as bright
as the smile
you placed upon my lips.

My first experience with love
felt like touching a hot stove.
I would constantly have to hold back
to keep from getting burned
by your hot temper.
I walked into my second relationship
with those same standards,
with 3rd degree burns
snaking up my arms and legs.
When my boyfriend saw my scars he
wanted to crush your heart in his hands.
And even though that sounds violent,
I know he would never smash a spider.
He would never hurt me.
He just wants what's best for me.

And that isn't you.

Oh, cheese how I love you!
swiss, mozzarella, cheddar, or blue
stringy, blocky, or holey
you're the only delicacy for me

I love to sit and savor you
appreciating your taste as I chew
on a roller coaster my tastebuds you take
if I went without you my heart would break

And when I'm down to your last bite
my empty plate a horrific sight
I grab my keys and head to the store
needing just a little more

Flat stomach
poking ribs
jealous girls
wanna be thin

Empty stomach
growing hunger
cannot eat
just a little longer

My distraction
my punishment
I deserve
this discontent

When I walk into a room
I always scan the sea before me,
helplessly hoping that
one of them is you.
Sometimes I see someone with your brown hair
or twinkling, turquoise eyes
and your name leaps off my tongue
like a freestyle diver,
only to leave me feeling lonely
because they're just another person
who isn't you.

If they say you get
a penny for your thoughts
wouldn't I be a millionaire by now?

I never knew bruises
could come in every color
until you hit me.
You gave me the entire rainbow
from blackened purples to sickly greens,
you gave my once smooth canvas texture,
it made you so happy see me bleed.
But this art project became our little secret
because no one else is supposed to see,
It's not like anyone would believe
that he gave me these bruises,
that he mixed these colors so pretty.
No, Daddy made this rainbow just for me.

Freedom is such a beautiful thing
that makes you feel weightless,
like you're on top of the world,
like you can control the constellations.
And why can we feel freedom?
Because you can't have light without darkness
or happiness without sadness,
we all know what it's like
to be chained down,
a slave to society,
to the cards we've been dealt if life.
Lately I've been stuck in a cell
screaming to be free,
fiending to feel weightless again,
willing to do anything to take off these chains,
because deep down I will always be
a slave to freedom.

A ngelic hair forms a halo on her head
S apphire eyes reading my soul
T insel wings strapped to her back
O nly the two of us in this heaven
N othing but the cotton candy clouds
I mpressionist's world
S oothing sound as she sings
H ow in the hell did I get here?

I swallow the pills
but I'm still alive
oh for once will
you just let me die?

Baby, I will do anything.

I'll **** myself,
trash my mental health,
commit social suicide,
throw away my pride.

I'll play your game of black jack.
Please just take me back.

Baby, I will do anything!

Dating me is like
getting a new puppy.
I might look cute and cuddly
in the animal shelter,
but when you take me home
you realize all I do is
*** on your floor and
chew up your furniture.

A world without me
wouldn't be much different
than a world with me.
I'm invisible to everyone either way.
I could scream
in a room packed with people
and no one would even bother to look up.
I'm that tree that fell down
that nobody heard,
I don't even exist
as far as people are concerned.
All I want is to be acknowledged,
all it takes is one person
for me to be seen,
for me to matter.
But since I'm invisible,
I'm better off dead.

Being on top of the world one moment
and hitting rock bottom the next
is one of the worst feelings in the world,
like life is just one huge ferris wheel
that never stops.
up, down
even after you've run out of tickets
up, down
even after your skin turns stark white
from motion sickness.
The cycle will continue
until you choose to take control of you
up, down
What are you going to do?

Its always there
when you're down
will never glare
at your frown

It wont judge you
on how you dress
like those who
It won't impress

Sheathes your face
filled with tears
hides the disgrace
in the mirror

Black takes the pain
keeps me sane

I'm so unhappy
but I can't say how I feel,
because if I do
I'm just being unsupportive,
so I can't win either way,
I can either be unhappy or selfish,
one of us will take the blame,
but that person won't be me

You see the slump in my shoulders
the way I carry myself
the burdens of boulders
that threaten my health.

When you ask what's wrong
I pull up my guard
don't want your pity or sad song
won't tell you why life's hard.

So if you want to know
I'll bottle it inside
wrap up all remains in a black bow
and tell you I'm fine.

It seems like life
has too many lows
and not enough highs.
Just like gravity,
what comes up must always come down,
and when you fall flat on your face
it's always hard to get back up again.
You wonder why you even try anymore,
I wonder why I even try anymore,
but the reason I haven't succumbed myself
to the manic madness inside my head
is because of the rare things
that come in life like
double rainbows and
four leaf clovers and
happy tears and
laughing until your stomach hurts and
all of the nonsense about dreams and
true love that probably isn't even true.
And though these things may seem simple,
I'm too curious to give up.
I'll always be chasing the end of the rainbow
even if I never find it,
because life is just a bottomless pit
if there's nothing for me to hope for.

I feel like my world is ending,
like the earth just split in two
the same way my heart did.
But I'll be okay,
this isn't the first time
the stars stopped shining.
I may feel like I'm dying,
but I'll still be alive.
I'll be fine.

You are a hued rainbow of stars
hotter than a blue Virgo flame
though to the naked eye
you appear to be lilac
just as identical to the others
never shining any brighter

Yet I know the truth
I can see the spectrum
visualize what others cannot fathom
know you're brighter than Polaris
guiding my ship to your shore
and into the hollowness of your arms

Have you ever been so upset
that you feel like your heart
is going to beat out of your chest?
That you're going to have
a heart attack and die?
That your finally going to understand
what it literally means
to die of a broken heart?

I have butterflies in my stomach,
but not because I'm nervous.
I swallowed them,
whole without chewing,
so not to mess up their fragile fairy wings
or have slimy bug guts sliding down my throat.
I thought if I had the butterflies
I could finally get rid of the sins inside
that reside within me as dark as night,
that there would finally be something about me
that was  
B  E  A  U  T  I   F  U  L.
But since I can't count on myself to change,
I keep butterflies inside me instead.

we pick up the pieces
when everything is gone
smooth out the creases
and carry on

The phrase "love of my life"
doesn't even come close to my love for you.

You're the center of my universe,
the gravity that holds everything together.
Without you all of the planets would crash into each other,
the moon would no longer control the tides,
the sun would never shine again.

I would fall apart at the seams without you,
you're more than just the "love of my life."

You are my everything.

If you could read minds
you would find
a total stranger.
You'd want to change her,
change me.
Yes my thoughts would finally be free,
but you would never agree
with me.

laughing talking
all around
smiling walking
buzzing sound
silent cold
binding me
always told
in my dreams

These walls are closing in,
crushing my lungs and body within.
I never knew I was claustrophic
until this very moment,
with the ceiling crashing down,
and my world turning upside down,
and maybe I wouldn't feel so claustrophobic
if someone would finally support me
instead of constantly crushing me...

Daddy Daddy, it appears
that all you care about is beer.
How come when I'm near
it's always like I'm not even here?

With you I'll feel forever young
even when I'm old and gray,
running and jumping under the sun  
until the last of summer fades.
You'll always be the breath in my lungs
that turns the dark into the day.

The grip in my hands will soon loose
and I'll fall into a quiet preferred
because after thought the path I'll choose
will be the way of a coward.

I'm tired of wasting lonely nights
with a bottle by my side
letting the sorrows of past's frights
play throughout my mind.

The tears have never stopped
whether it's inside or for the eyes
and putting on a brave faced opt  
would just unbury old lies

I'm tired and I'm over
the dragging on depression
you put me here without sober
into your lashing out aggression.

Their will be no regret
when I finally let go
of what little is left
of my life tomorrow.

I hate that word
sounds like a disease
its completely blurred

oh just please
stop saying it
to be the crowd
when theres people who slit
their wrists

they scream loud
for anyone to listen
during the pain

they think hope is fiction
it winds through their brain
until they die
with a smile

and because of your lie
those bodies pile

Fury
blurry
can't see a thing.
Heated
defeated
a deadly ring.
Crying
lying
the rage must come out.
Broken
unspoken
we should not whisper about.
Maybe tomorrow we can talk,
but not today.
right now I must take a walk
down to the depths where the demons play.

I wish I had
the courage to
look into your eyes
without feeling
the regret
or despise
of myself.

I'm not worthy
of anyone,
not anymore,
not since
the sun
stopped shining
inside me.

I can't take
you seeing me
in this way,
I can't shake
myself any harder ,
I can't smile
like I'm okay.

Just for once
forget me
leave this day
leave me
so I don't have to

I promise tomorrow
you'll find
new friends
this sorrow
will devour me
not you

I will never
let it
hurt you

ever.

We got back together
but it doesn't feel like
we're starting over from the beginning.
Because as I breathed life into our future,
you just continued to dig up the past.

I drag through every day
with invisible cement blocks
strapped to my feet.
I let nobody in,
nobody sees,
nobody knows my struggle
except for me.
I've kept up a smile
through these tears for years
because I know
the world won't stop revolving
just because I'm depressed.
It keeps on spinning  
through suicide attempts every second
and climate change,
and world wars.
No, the world won't stop revolving for anybody,
it's every man for himself
in this dog-eat-dog world.

I want you dead.
That thought constantly crawling in my head.
I have never hated anybody
until the day you laid eyes on me.

From my first day of life
you've caused me nothing but strife.
You've always been there,
but I know you don't care.
All you've done is chain me down.
You say you love me, but you want me to drown.

You hit me and you mock me,
you take away my ecstasy.
I'm constantly looking behind my back,
afraid, if I step wrong, I'll get smacked.

I hate you so much
I shiver at even your touch
or the sound of your booming voice.
Oh, If you died I'd rejoice
and the angels would sing from heaven!

Sometimes I feel driven
to do the world a favor.
Hell, if I was braver
I would have fulfilled this very vision.

That is, if I wouldn't go to prison...

You tell me of your dream girl,
and every time you do  
there's this tiny voice in the back of my head,
ignoring the angel on my shoulder,
whispering,
What if that girl was me?
Could I make you happy?

I feel like I'm about to cry
and the only thing that's going to stop me
are the tears that drown me

Grab my hand
i'll take you to my wonderland
where tears are left unshed
and dreams do not play dead

Maybe we'll go on
a spring leaf fawn
warm nights drunken dreary
waiting for dreams nice and clearly

Or maybe we'll argue all night
splurged by my own fright
thunder clouds of disaster
claiming their rightful master...