Emotional abuse doesn't consist of
bruised skin or broken bones but
that doesn't mean it hurts any less.
If anything it hurts more.
bruises, though ugly, will heal.
broken bones, though painful, will mend.
I will always carry scars under my skin,
on my heart
in my mind.
My brain will forever
crave to be called names
because you've done it for so long.
I will always think that I deserve
to be punished,
that I'll never deserve to be loved.
These thoughts follow me
throughout my day and
haunt me in me in my sleep.
Your physical scabs will heal
But my emotional scars will not.
I will never be able to
run away from my thoughts
unless I chase them with a bullet.

I've lost everyone
and everything I love,
I've been broken down,
I'm nothing but an empty shell.
This place is purgatory,
I'd rather be in hell,
at least then the blazing flames
would make me feel something
even if all I felt was pain,
because right now
I'm nothing but an empty shell
that feels nothing for nobody.

No matter what I try to do
I'll never be enough for you

I confessed my love
but you gave me a shove
and told me I was stupid
for believing in cupid

You make my heart soar
but to you I'm a bore
I'd only be a chore
If I were yours

But I know that it's fate!
your heart I will take
you'll love me one day

Even if its fake...

I think I feel a bit better,
like the last few days,
I've been under the weather,
but my tummy didn't hurt
and my nose wasn't runny,
no,this weighing sadness
just made me feel a bit funny,
I was sick in the brain
and even though I try to refrain
from feeling this way
sometimes a girl just needs a mental health day
to make the dark clouds go away
even if it's only for a little while...

I push people away
and leave them before
they can leave me,
before you can betray me,
because everybody hates me.

Only I could see her halo
and its heather hinted glow
as she pushed a cart down aisle eight
and selected a sack of seedless grapes.

I bet her voice sounds smooth like a lullaby,
I bet she bears wings that take her to the sky.
But I'll never know if she really is an angel,
because girls like her don't dance with devils.

Ive made a friend
watched them leave
made amends
and was still deceived

I still come crawling
Remembering the past
I'm panicking, bawling
Why can't this last?

I can't constantly be funny
or have a witty reply.
Even the sun doesn't shine all the time.
So here's me without all the lies:
On the inside I'm shy,
expectations make me wanna die,
and sometimes I just want someone
to hold me while I cry.

Left behind
in the dust,
left for dead,
left to rust,
I've given up
with the passing days,
waiting for the hour
I ' l l   f a d e    a    w    a    y     .     .      .

The time has been
short but the days
drag on like years.
The past is sin
but still it stays
in our worst fears.
Collapsing in the shadows,
is the bridge you
and I built together.
Even over years close,
its stayed strongly through
all worse and better.

Until a month ago.

The gap of patience
waiting for you again
to ascend has grown
deeper and wider so
it tears all sense,
no place to defend,
Until my heart's sound
fades away in the wind.
A soft and lonely cadence.

Today is the day.
Exactly one year ago,
there was you and me
spread out on the bed sheets.
We laid out our bodies for each other on easels
and you were my work of art,
all smiles and 'I love yous' and promises of forever
as I gave myself to you
and you gave yourself to me
on those rumpled sheets,
a perfect tale of young teens.
Now, no matter how much I will myself,
I can't recall that day without crying
because I know that day lead to the last few good days
I had before our chapter ended,
before you closed the book
on a perfectly good story
and left me with nothing
but a trail of empty pages
to pick up by myself.
Sometimes I wish
I wasn't such a sucker for fairy tales...

When I fall in love,
I fall hard.
Flat on my face,
scraping both knees,
scuffing both hands.
And no,
I'm not gonna need a band aid
I'm gonna need stitches,
I'm gonna have scars.
I guess that's what I get
for falling so hard.

My life is over
I'm sober
but I have nothing to show for it

I know longer try
to die
but it doesn't mean I'm happy

I just want you
I'm blue
but you've already stopped listening

The sky is falling
I'm bawling
but your arms feel so hollow

I've cleaned up my act
please take me back
I'll do anything

I used to feel something
I swear I did
when I was in your arms
a beaming bright kid

but you push me away
without even realizing it
I feel like a ghost
I feel like ending it

but then I can't leave
you know I won't
my heart it aches
it cannot be alone

I crave any touch
even if it burns
I'll only draw nearer
the more that it hurts

Staring back at a skeleton,
watching the sharp, jutting
edges of my ribs ripple
like ocean waves whenever I move.
I can see the bones in my
back
chest
arms
legs
hands
And even though I'm near my death bed
all I see is a fat girl instead.

Sometimes I just want to die.
At first it was just something small
but now it's grown so humongously tall.
I'm inching towards the edge about to fall.

I can't believe I thought it was a lie
when he talked about her from time to time.
I would empty myself of every dime
just for him to just stop his talking crime.

Is it wrong for me to cry?
The only person I had ever learned to love
has flown away to the above,
the good old morning dove.

but now I can only sigh
it really is my fault
I lock everyone I like into an inaccessible vault
throw away the key,
don't let anyone near me,
thinking I've found the perfect remedy.

But now with him gone, I'm nowhere even near grazing the sky.

You start with the cheek
warm against the cold
the embrace leaves me weak
and your hand I take hold
but the passion grows stronger
as you move in near
please linger longer
can't conquer my fear
but those lips they caress
gingerly against my own
the first is a mess
but the craving has grown
until I phene
on the taste of your nicotine

As we stared down at my bed,
the unrumpled sheets military made
awful thoughts ran though my head
and refused to fade away.
We took off each other's clothes,
my hands shaking like leaves
and right before he laid me down I froze
"I don't think I can do it," I breathed.
And that's when he pulled me in close,
our bodies throbbing with heat,
and that's when I realized I loved him the most,
that he was the one that made me complete.
And as he gently lowered me onto the sheets
the fears I had felt began to retreat...

I was watered down
my raging fire
was singed to the ground

I may be a liar
mean and nasty
my words they hurt
the pain everlasting

I'll throw on the dirt
and **** your flame
I'll rage once more
remain untamed

I'll settle the score
an eye for an eye
I no longer care
If your light dies

For I will finally flare

Where there is light,
love will always follow
Where there is darkness
I will be your flashlight

Once a month
The Devil runs red,
cursing the women of the world
for being the one
who ate the forbidden fruit first.
It doesn't care if you're already having
a ****** day,
or if you're *****
in the heat of the moment
because you were the one
who ate the forbidden fruit first.
And yes, *** is a sin
even if it's with a long term lover,
because in the eyes of God
love is wrong if you aren't married
and all he cares about
is the fact that you were the one
who ate the forbidden fruit first.

I hate that it's true
but I really miss you
I know I said we're through,
that I'm better off without your abuse,
that I hate whenever you blow a fuse

But sometimes people get lonely
that even though I'll say "I hate you!" coldly
deep down I want you back

Every day I have a panic attack
because you're not around
because I'll never hear the sound
of your soft voice ever
again reassuring me that we'll always be together
Forever

I'm the happiest I've ever been,
yet I still find times
where I feel frayed.
I have no reason to be sad,
yet there is this constant dark cloud
that won't go away.
I don't want to cry everyday,
I don't want to feel this way,
I  just want to smile
and truly believe that I'm okay,
But no matter how hard I try
this dark cloud just continues to stay.

My heart swelled like the sea
on that night when you told me.
I remember it so vividly,
your voice was so lovely,
on that night you set my soul free

My heart leapt to touch yours
when you looked at me with those eyes ,
with understanding,
and though we just met,
and I don't know you just yet,
I feel like I've made a friend.

A notebook full of fantasies,
filled to the brim with words
I've always been too afraid to say out loud.
Love letters never sent,
memories never spent,
because the love never existed
in the first place,
you've only ever been an idea
that I've meticulously made up
inside my mind.
The perfect person doesn't exist
and I know I'm still a kid,
but when I look at you, I wonder,
Are you my perfect person?
Or am i just getting my hopes up again?

I used to hate
the smell of
your perfume
now I recreate
the fragrance
in my mind

And then your lips
so small
with a smile
my guard slips
when I stare
at them

Where's the confidence?
you are so
**** pretty
yet always tense
whenever I
tell you that
you've alwayss looked
better without
the makeup

I am so hooked

You call me your goddess.
That I rule over all that
is intelligent and beautiful
You never hesitate to
put me up on a podium
and praise me for my qualities

And how did I earn this position?
By being myself.
He doesn't force me to change,
he doesn't even want me to change

I wish everybody could be like that.
That instead of setting the bar high and
having expectations for others,
that we can give each other more hugs
and congratulate one another.

That everybody can have somebody in their lives
that lifts them up instead of puts them down.
That makes them feel like just as much as a goddess
as my boyfriend makes me feel.

You're an achiever,
a go-getter.
You grab the world by the horns,
you direct the ocean waves
you can do anything,
have anything you want.
That's just a part of who you are,
always needing more,
constantly starving
and striving to be
stronger and braver and smarter,
which is why I'll never be
good enough for you.

In fiction good always beats evil.
The good guy will always squash
the bad guy and justice will always prevail.
That's what fiction teaches your children.
That "what goes around comes around"
that "God will pay you double for your troubles"

But in reality that never happens.

In reality the bad guy squashes the good guy
and evil prevails
as it spreads from person to person.

And I don't know about you
but I wish I would have been
fed a spoonful of reality as a kid.

Then I would have at least been prepared
to deal with people like you
who waltz into my life,
all charming and smiles in the beginning,
but who will stab me in the back and toss me aside
the second I am no longer useful for their evil plans.

Sometimes I just wish
that fiction stories could apply to real life...

This guilt has wormed its way deep,
digging it's way inside of me,
making me feel empty,
and lost,
and unhappy.
I want so badly to reach
for that place deep inside of me
and rip it out,
cut it down
before it can grow bigger,
and thicker,
and way out of control,
but If I've learned anything it's that
lies make people stay
and the truth pushes them away...

I started growing my hair out when I met you.
The strands that had once curled under my chin
are freely flowing down my back.

My hair twists and tangles,
gets bushy before I can even blink
there's never a time I'm not running a brush through it.

I've hated the feeling of long hair ever since I was little,
snatching the scissors whenever I saw so much as a split end.
I shouldn't have let it linger this long.

But I like the way you play with my silky strands,
the way you smiled that one time you told me it was pretty,
the way you brush it out of my face before you kiss me

I started growing my hair out when I met you,
and just like my hair
my love for you will never stop growing

my hands are tiny
scrawny and warm
with a freckled right hand
and sawed-off fingernails

your hands are big
full yet cold
with a circling thumb
and fingertips of lightning

your left hand fits
with my right
sending icy shivers
down my spine

while your right hand
holds me down,
stops my breathing
and all sound

There is a heaven,
there is a hell.
Those are the places
where Jesus and Satan dwell.
God is the light, the way to the pearly gates,
The Father, our creator, of every good thing.
Then Jesus, his son, rose from the grave.
But while Jesus was pouring
his blood for us to be saved,
there came Satan, driving the Hell-bound train.
All aboard, as Satan deceives,
Come one come all the dope phenes and the theives!
"Oh, hold on," says the ******. "I've got more to bring."
"Here comes the men who cheated me.
Who lied to their wives and took off their rings."
But little did they know,
that the blood of Jesus could cover these sins.
That they didn't have to be riding the same train as me.
But since no one had told them how Satan deceives,
they're bound to burn in hell for eternity.

"He loves me," I sigh,
before I pick the petal.
"H-he loves me not..."

You could give her the world
but she wouldn't be happy,
you could make all the money
but she'd still starve for more,
you could work all the hours
but she'd still miss your touch,
but if you give her your heart,
she'll have more than enough

This is a poem
for every breathing soul,
for those who have been beaten down,
for those whose names have been taken away.
This is a poem
for those who scream but are not heard,
for those who are treated like dirt,
for those who just want to belong.
This is a poem
for the broken hearted,
for those who wake up in an empty bed,
for those who have made mistakes.
Yes, this is a poem
for every breathing soul,
for everyone who has ever felt anything,
for humanity as a whole.

I'll write down what I feel
because to me it is real.
I know I'm always crying
and my mouth is always lying
that all I do is drag you down
that you're better off without me around.
So I'm going to stop telling you things
I'll go off and spread my wings
and let you finally be free
of me.
So when I'm alone and afraid,
I'll put my pencil to the page.
I'll write off my feelings that are blue
because I can no longer talk to you

It's my fault
that I never got to see you grow up,
that you died.
I was selfish and cared about
my own needs over yours,
I was irresponsible and now
I'm paying the ultimate price.
and no matter how much I want to turn back time,
where your heart was still beating
and hope was in your eyes,
I'm stuck with my mistakes.
I'm so sorry and I can't even say it,
because no matter how strongly I feel
I can't fix what's been done,
I can't make your body rise up from the ground,
I can't put you back together,
and because of those reasons I can't be okay.

I'm one step from falling,
one push from breaking,
one tear from bawling,
and I don't think I can take it.

I can't wait to be older,
I can't wait for my skin to wrinkle,
to have lines etched into my face
like an old tree who's seen too many seasons,
proof to anyone who lays their eyes on me
that I lived a life of laughter,
and genuine smiles that make
my eyes constantly crinkle around the edges.
I can't wait to gain all the weight
after having kids who will have their own kids
who will extend the limbs of my family tree
and be there to one day take care of me
the same as I did for them,
no, I can't wait to be older
and live a life of love.

I crush spiders
Instead of taking them outside.
If they break into my house,
then they deserve to die :)

I gave you my virginity,
gave you the deepest part of me.
And though I thought it made us closer,
you told me it was over.

I had been saving it for someone
who I thought I could love,
but that person wasn't you.
I was just too stupid to see the truth.

Someone who loves you
doesn't keep you around to be used,
someone who loves you
doesn't leave you alone and blue.

We weren't good together.
I now know that I deserve better.

I'm scared.
Scared of losing it all,
that all of these good moments
I've been having are too good to be true
and it's just my heart telling me lies again
when in reality I'll never be worthy
of someone who actually
makes me feel like I'm worth
every breath I breathe
and every cell in my body,
that I'm worthy of someone who loves me
even on the days when
I find it impossible to love myself,
on those days when
I can't even make eye contact,
or meet my own eyes in the mirror,
or can do nothing but drag myself down.
I have someone who loves me for me now
and sometimes it's really scary,
sometimes I still have to pinch myself,
but you're here,
and you're breathing,
and I do deserve every breath I breathe
and every cell in my body.
I deserve this feeling,
and I deserve to be with you,
because if I didn't,
then all the years of suffering
would have been for nothing.