Today I am part of the world
Sea salt crystallises in my veins
Sunlight sparkles in my eyes when I smile
Tree bark grows on my knees
And elbows
An autumn breeze drifts from
My mouth when I speak
I am a seashell underfoot
I am a January sunset
I’m a star
I’m full

Love isn’t even the word
There isn’t a word
For how my soul
Rests in the chaos
Of your world
Love isn’t even the feeling
Love isn’t enough
For how my hands
Want nothing but
To lay on you
I don’t even mind
What you think of me
Just see me sometimes
How I see you
Love me sometimes
Or pretend to
Treat me as bad as you can
As you do
And I my love, will still love you

I’ll be fine
She says
After barely making it home
Without driving her car off a ******* bridge

You cant make your worth known
To those who would steal it
By giving a freebie to any who feel it
Your soul is expensive as is your mind too
So to cheapen your time is to cheapen you

There are far worse fates
Than being alone.
To watch myself grow
Maid, mother to crone.
I could waste all my years on the
Same shallow man,
And skip into hell all
Whilst holding his hand.
I could forgo my passions
For his every whim,
And save all my smiling and love
just for him.
I could bury my future beneath
Soil and stone.
That’s a far worse fate than
Just being alone.

Sitting on cold pebbles
watching the sunset
over the sea in December
Makes me wonder
That if I live my life
As close to the sun
And the ocean as I can
Will I become those rippling
Blues and oranges
When I go?
I hope so

So small
I’m so small
So so small
That’s the only thing
Making me big enough
To be strong enough  
To be

I miss you
   Said nothing
            To nobody
                 Then no one
         Said nothing
    And nothing
Was missed

What a beautiful morning to be
In Jacobstow cemetery
Just sixteen degrees
Dew on the grass and trees
A damp wooden bench beneath me
And quiet souls around me
Taking in the scripture
Carved in moss covered stone
Nodding good morning to
The families long gone
Dandelions flick their mottled homes
As insects comfort resting bones
I could sit here every morning
And never feel alone

You are excruciating
You really hurt my soul
Now I always need you
To feel like I am whole
You are so impossible
Don’t want me then you do
Nothing can convince me
To ever stop with you
Everything you say
Like knives that twist and cut
But darling you could **** me
It would never be enough
Never enough to stop me
Never enough to prove
For even if you hated me
I know I’d still love you

Act like I’m the love of your life
Then ignore me the next day
Give me an inch
Then drool over my neighbours little sister
Tell me you care
Then tell me you don’t
Act like you do
Then insist you won’t
Say you will not ever want more
Then treat me like you can’t stay away
Say you won’t get jealous
Then get angry every day
Treat me like you hate me
Then love me again

They say that women,
Search for love and choose the right one.
But men just take whoever is
In front of them when they’re ready.
So if I never leave,
If I’m always in front of you,
Maybe when you’re ready,
You’ll choose me.

I suppose that now
I write poems on Sundays
Somehow
We have a sordid routine
A sombre love song
Come now
See my silly daydreams
Sometimes seriously
Your brow
Where my saddened kisses
Make their misses
Somehow on Sundays
Sometimes now

I could be at the lowest depths
The most sunken death
But when I see the sea
That’s when I’m free

I am such a shell
A fractured piece as well
Of who I used to be
Used to feel and used to see
I am such a mess
A melted version, less
Than the person I once was
What I thought I’d become
I can’t even love
Anything I used to love
Without leaning on a crutch
Something new to pick me up
Even my most beloved things
Have since grown up and grown wings
And flown beyond my grasp
Leaving me to finish last

The cruel irony in my nonchalance
When I gave you the space to move
The cruel trick in your ignorance
When you made me believe in love

One word to all your friends and
The same word to your mother
But difference in your words to me when you kept me under cover
You say it just is not that complicated
in your mind
But did you stop to think about
how it would sound in mine?

You labelled me with love and took it back all in one breath
Then expected me not to be shocked when your kindness died a death
I think I deserve answers and a reason for the cold
For honestly my fickle man for child’s play we’re too old.

God if there is such a thing
Then save me from this man
God if you are listening
Help him love me if he can
God if you made me, help me
Help me to relieve my pain
God if he feels nothing, show me
Reveal if love is feigned
God tell me you can do something
God teach me to let go
God keep me calm and soft
God help my heart go slow

Her: could you pretend to love me?
Maybe just for a few hours?
You don’t have to give up other girls or ever buy me flowers.
Could you just let me sleep and maybe hold me for a while?
You wouldn’t have to feel it,
You don’t even have to smile.
Just maybe let me feel like I am safe and play pretend.
Tell me I’m your favourite and it doesn’t have to end.
Would you mind just doing some of that?
Just sometimes, not all day.
Would you mind it if I pretend with you?
Would you hate it if I stay?
Him: …

If heaven had a smell
I know it would be your cologne
If hell had a name
It would begin with J, then O
If purgatory felt like something
I know it would feel like you
If anything is anything
I know I never knew

People ask me
‘What have you been up to?’
And I say ‘staying alive’
People find it funny
Another silly joke from
Silly little me
But it’s not a joke at all
For here I am
On a Wednesday afternoon
Eating a cheese toastie
Instead of killing myself

I came to be in a hot, hot summer
I lived my childhood
In a warm September
My teenage years were a drizzly autumn
My early 20’s, foreboding November
The last two years were my first winter
Fraught, bitter and pitch dark.
Now I am in spring
The first spring of my life
Love and success blossom
And kiss my cheeks
Like unfolding flower petals
And I have all of this summer to look forward to

I only write when I’m sad
But I suppose it is not all that bad
For if I only create
When I feel desolate
Then there is much creation to be had

My life is full
As is my heart
My soul is settled
Nothing is halved
I am whole
I am me
I have nothing
I don’t need
My world is mine
And I am too
The things I’ve found
Can’t be taken by you

I love the empty roads
Past midnight driving
Home from your house
I love my stinging eyes
Your cologne in my hair
And my aching bones
I love pretending you love
Me half as much
As I love you
I love everything about
You and me
And me
And also you

You may be the death of me
You might **** me soon
You’ve turned me to a wild thing
I’m howling at the moon
If it kills me, it’s my fault
For falling for a dream
If it doesn’t I am lucky
If I ever can get clean
You to me are the whole world
But I am just your favourite
Stupid girl

I must have a backwards heart,
Or at least a broken brain.
You told me you can’t love me,
But you’ll have to tell again.
You assure me with your words,
And then with careless actions too,
That falling for me is just something you will never do.
But still I can’t and won’t believe,
That you don’t feel like me.
You can’t tell me any other girl,
Visits you in your dreams.
If we are not in love then explain to me my dear,
Why our bodies fit together and your absence I can’t bear.
Convince me I’m the only one that feels so safe and whole.
Manipulate my mind as you’ve done to my heart and soul.
Insist that your hand wasn’t made to rest upon my thigh,
That it doesn’t mean a thing when your eyes knowingly meet mine.
You’ll have to put the work in to persuade me it’s not true.
Or I’m sorry but I have no choice,
I’ll just keep loving you.

Sun soaked sadness
It’s sickening
The sores on my gums
Are thickening
Chewing my cheeks
In my sleep
Shout down my throat
I would echo
Rip through my skin find
Nothing within
I don’t want to die but
I can’t cry
Not anymore, emptier
Than before

If I’d known
Through all the pain
That at the end of it all
Would be this day
Never would I have
Wanted to leave
Never would I have
Felt any unease
For today my life
Is beautiful again
And I wish I knew it
Way back then

Attention
My span is short
Fickle and false
I barely even have a pulse
Deficit
Of all of use
Of anything that’s not obtuse
Hyperactivity
In my brain
In my movements
I’ll never change
Disorder
That’s how they describe
My silly little broken mind

Midnight,
Mid July,
Even 22 degrees at night,
A full moon illuminates my home ,
Beams silver white on the Solent,
Hot and drunk from the lambrini I drank from a plastic cup,
Pebble pushed footsteps crunching my air force 1’s into periglacial river gravel,
cockle shells and swell softened glass dented by my progress.
St Moriz medium dark tan mingling with the scent of the black Schwarzkopf cloaking my mousey brown roots.
A warm breeze tangling my lash extensions.
The night is at peace with itself,
I am disguised as someone else.
Juxtaposing each other like two parts of myself I could mention.

Gratitude is a funny thing
One day I’m bitter
Another it spills over the brim
A sunny Monday,
My brother laughing,
Then suddenly it doesn’t matter
That I can’t afford the Maldives
I’m okay as long as they are,
As long as the sun shines and
I have food to eat
I’m okay
And I’m grateful

By now I thought I’d be
Much more
A partner, a mother
I thought I’d be sure
Of my picket fence life
My role as a wife
An impressive career
A stable idea of the
Road ahead
Or else I’d be dead
But somehow I’ve ended up
In this limbo
And I have become
A loose moralled *****
With no idea where it all
Went wrong  
And no plan in sight
of how to go on

I’m trying to stand in the sun
But your moonlit ******
Hooks my heart
I love the warmth on my skin
But your voice is akin
To musicians
Plucking beats in my soul
Thumping and twanging
When I say I want soft notes
Am I a liar or a lunatic?
For whatever music I learn
My voice only sings in tune to you
I’m trying to lie in the sun
But your night is all I know

Just twenty minutes
Laying on your sofa
My head on your chest
Your hand on my rib cage
Feeling your breath
Moving in my hair
Feels like a lifetime of love
And that’s why I can’t
Give you up

I may as well have ‘fragile’
Tattooed on my forehead.
For I am basically
A cardboard box,
Brimming with ceramics,
Glass and priceless art.
Just asking to be dropped
And to tumble down the stairs.
One wrong move and you’ll
Have nothing left to put up
On your walls.
Be careful with me when you go,
Or what’s the point in all that bubble wrap at all?

Nobody loves me
She said
She’s so loved
By family and friends
She’s grateful
But she’s lonely
She’s lost
Nobody loves her
She knows
Not how she needs them to

I suppose I’d be a liar
If I said I wasn’t jealous
To see you in the sun
With some girl that isn’t me
But I suppose I’d be a hypocrite
If I acted like I’m better
Because I’ve moved on as well
Though you don’t look so you don’t see
There’s just something about you
That will always make me shiver
Something that always makes my heartbeat Start to beat a little faster
There’s just something about it
All the time we spent together
That will always make me smile
And sometimes make me want to cry
I suppose I’d be a liar
If I claimed I never loved you
And I think you know you would be too
If you said you never loved me

So much time
And so much wine
So many tears
I have cried
If it all went away
On a day like today
I think I’d find
That I’d be fine

I’d love to say
I’ve no idea
But unfortunately
I’ve many
I’d love to say
I’ve plenty of cash
These days
I’ve barely any
I’d love to say
I’ve grown up strong
But really
I’ve grown small
I’d love to say I’m worth it
But it seems I’m not at all

I’m getting older,
My face moves differently now.
The babies I held
Are children with lives.
Years have flown, and I’m not sure how.
I always assumed I’d not last long,
I’d be dead and gone by now.
So I didn’t make realistic plans,
I didn’t think of how.
Now I find myself closing in,
On 30 years of life.
I’ve no idea where I should be,
A traveller? A wife?
More numb than ever, flatter than flat.
I never thought I’d be someone like that.
I have a good life,
But the good won’t reach me.
I’m learning my lessons,
But nobody can teach me.
My pain has built walls,
Which keep out the bad.
So recently nothing is
All that I have.

Is this calm?
If I’m scared it has reason,
If I cry it is rhyme.
This must be calm.
Is this life?
If I care I have cause,
If I love then I try.
This must be life.
Is this what it’s like?
To feel fear that makes sense,
To cry, be incensed.
To care and to love,
To know it’s enough.
To be calm, to live, to be alive.
Is this really what it’s all like?

I make lists
Throughout the week
Each night before
I go to sleep
Monday is usually blue
Tuesday green
And Wednesday too
Thursday can be blue or red
Fridays purple
In my head
Saturday is a happy yellow
Sundays beige, calm and mellow
I make my lists
To get me through
So I remember what to do

I could pretend I’ve got it together,
Feign ignorance,
Fake confidence.
I could lie and say im fine with it,
Choke on trickery,
Cheat each bit of me.
But the truth of it is simple,
I fell in love and you fell backwards.
I’m moving slowly and you are
Moving on.
I went off the rails and you just
Went home.

Heaven is an Italian restaurant
The one from the Billy Joel song
You wait for me there with a glass of wine
And we’ll have a long conversation again
Heaven is the sunlight streaming in rays
Through the clouds over the sea
When the sky wears her grey jumper
Just out of reach to me for now
But I can swim in the reflections
And remind you that I don’t need reminding
Heaven is wherever you are
And wherever I’ll end up

If the only way to avoid heartbreak
Is to become the breaker
Then consider me the devil my love
For I will break whatever I please
To avoid you

And so, here we are.
I assume that this is the point,
That precipice I’ve heard about.
The one where I’ll either jump,
Or turn back to look for you
Only to see you push me off the edge.
I suppose this is that point,
Where I’m left with no choice but to
Hate you
Because now you hate me.
I’d rather we weren’t but here we seem to be.

I hope he’s kind
This future of mine
I hope he’s clever
Loses his temper never
I hope he’s a man worth loving
I hope he’s sweet
I hope he comes to me running
Will I know when we meet?

You can’t just create a person
Then leave them alone.
I scream silently at
My father, my
Lover and
My life.
You can’t just make me like this
Then tell me that I’m crazy.
I scratch at the walls of
My apartment, my
Mind and my
Prison cell.
You can’t just love someone then
Treat them like they’re nothing
I whisper to my happy
Memories, my exes
And myself.

Silly girl
You did it again
You trusted the empty
Words of men
Stupid woman
Will you not ever learn?
That kisses from fire
Will never not burn
You ridiculous child
Must you feel this again?
Lonely and quiet and
Missing a friend
Silly old me
Though my gut always knew
I skipped and fell blindly
To be dropped by you

She just wanted to be loved
She just wanted a child
She just wanted a home
She just wanted to smile
She just wanted to be safe
She just wanted some calm
She just wanted to feel good
She just didn’t want harm
She just wanted to be happy
She’s just sick of the crimes but she knows
No’one has loved her in a very long time