Do you throw
your smile around
for just anything,
or only
for something outstanding?

to bleed, to cry
what is the difference
for they both do a vital task
draw attention to an injury
in need of treatment

My generation
will walk on
shattered glass of the past
without flinching
because we’ve been taught
it’s the norm
we’re all lost
because the path was
broken before we came

I cannot settle
I must constantly
question the situation
wondering how long it will last
how long before my parents
find out I’m a poet
find out I’m not straight
how long will I have this website
or will it disappear too

memories I cannot understand
with emtions lost to time
perfectly hidden
in these memories
are the secret to my childhood

Two worlds collided on December 20th
two worlds that were separate
and supposed to stay that way
they met
they didn’t scream
or explode
but I still couldn’t breath
while the had a conversation
about the school system

I wore pigtails
in kindergarten
because every one thought
I was a boy
I wore dresses in 1st grade
pigtails weren’t enough
in 2d I wore pants
only with floral patterns though
otherwise they asked
in 8th grade a classmate joked
that I look like a boy
I laughed
but lost a piece of young me

I hope that everyone
that love me and holds me close
knows when to let go

we are the late night dreamers
we are the cast down faces
we are the thinkers
we are the forgotten tarnished souls,
with too many scars for acceptance
we are the fighters,
who rally the war cries
we lose battles,
with other selves
and forget who we are

we are people
we are human,
sometimes we need
to be reminded of that

Whenever you don’t text back
I’m afraid
I stare at my phone
until it yields an answer
waiting for a ping

When you aren’t on the bus
I stare at your spot
as if you’ll appear

Even when I know
you’ve moved on
I comb the hallways for you
searching for the infamous smile
that I’ve learned to love

still you are my lovely disadvantaged
my anam cara
my problematic emotion
you were amazing

I must forget
forget the smile
the texts
late at night
forget the brush of your
skin against mine
and the hugs
I didn’t want to end

You are my lovely disadvantage

Just a small quiet girl
holding onto ragtag dreams
stitched together
with patches
of memories
just a small girl
never mind her
such big dreams
that will never come true
I’m just a small little girl...

What if we all wrote
with reckless abandon
reveling in mistakes
not watching punctuation
or spelling
writing every word
in our souls
till all was right
what if....
we didn’t wait

My skin is red there
its peeling there
So I pull.
I pull at this pain that traps me;
I pull away the suffering;
I pull away the memories,
the hurt too much to keep.
But when I am done pulling
what will remain of me

I used to let the rich red flowers that sprout every month
dominate my garden
I couldn't- wouldn’t- undergo the embarrassment
of digging shears out of by bag  
And dragging them into the bathroom with me.
I couldn’t bear to leave the clippings in there,
perhaps I wouldn’t.
I wonder who made me ashamed of this red garden.
I wonder why they find it so thorny,
when these are not roses,
but tulips

my hair lies in wads
littering my bed
clinging to my clothes
my hair is running short
when will I stop ripping

run
from the fox
from the world
never stop running
because when you do
the predator will catch you
so watch your back
don’t stop running
and never give up
the fox is inevitable
but to keep fighting
is courage in the face of that

lovely
drop dead gorgeous
she hustled though the crowd
no confidence to be had
always insecure
I compliment her everyday
still no confidence sprouts
always multitasking
never finding piece
a girl rushing to find meaning

Tears roll
D
     O
           W
                  N
my face
goodbyes roll
                  O
             U
        T
my mouth
and my arms
W               P
        R   A
around my friends

There are words
Sentences
Maybe paragraphs
That I wanted to scream
But I kept my mouth shut
And said ok
Because anything more
would mean tears

The memories I made with you no longer fit with me
But I can't decide whether to weigh them down
Or set them free

I made these memories on a stormy sea
But where doesn’t matter
Because you were with me

Now you're gone
But don't come back
I no longer sail on seas like that

My hands shake
and all I do is stare at them
the people around me
unaware of its significant
my gaze is unfocusing
because my imagination is taking over
which is never a good thing

Weeping silently
between sobs I write an email,
which I will never send
it will grow old in the pile of drafts
that grows everyday
all to the same person,
who will continue
to ask me why
I don’t send him emails
an I will never have the right answer
maybe I’m scared
of judgment
but he will continue to ask

When you talk to me,
for a second
I am so much less complicated,
my thoughts so much less clouded.
Your eyes are warm and lined
It's going to be ok, they tell me,
And if it isn’t I’ll be right there with you to face it

Nothing is ever easy
if you don’t celebrate small
before the end arrives

So shy
hands hide
climbing up your sleeves

So shy
love hides
losing itself in me

So shy
don’t cry
hold it all in

So shy
goodbye
will you remember me?

She dances
with such ferocity
She puts her soul on display
and doesn’t let people
discredit it
where does such confidence arise

Do you ever need the space between words
to breath?
Do you ever feel like how many spaces
in certain places can say it all,
how many dots
how the commas interact?
do you ever feel like
space is more than a pause
like it’s the only thing
holding the words together
and without it every writer would crumble

I cried in the middle of class
just because I can’t fit in
I can’t fit the mold
I’m too odd
I’m a square in a triangles place
cutting parts of me out
just to fit the mold
the pain is not the worth
the momentary reward
but what choice do I have

The first truth in a long time
Always feels a little stale
on your tongue and breath
You must ask yourself
Is it refreshing
Or repulsive
For that will show
your loyalty

the moments,
the time it takes to get somewhere,
are like cracks in a sidewalk.
plants grow in the impossible here,
pushing there way to the sun

Shambling legs
And tired eyes
Fake smiles
And lovely lies

I can’t scream
I can’t move
I can’t breathe
they air leaves my lungs
but I don’t care
tears well
but do not run
they are still, like me
perhaps only they know
how fragile this moment is

I swallow my med
like one uses a lifesaver,
with desperation

you are my sunshine,
my only sunshine

the people around me are somber,
the world is gray,
I am lively

you make me happy
when skies are gray

I drop the pill back in the organizer
the first of many to remain in that box

I learn to create my own sunshine

the word die used to
just slid, simply,
with nothing to hide.
Now the word die
sits in my throat,
like a pill half swallowed.
I'm not sure whether to bring it down or up.

depression just hugs me
in all the right places
like a dress that you've tailored

it hugs me because after I've had
two panic attacks and a cry
I want to thank the giver of these wonderful gifts

the thaw of the ice
is a sad goodbye,
a parting gift from winter
to spring.
the gift of growth,
of flowers pushing their way up
to inform us:
spring has begun

the background music plays,
it goes like this:
i want to die,
i want to die,
i want to die,
and that begins to be more
interesting than the film

Love is all trust falls and trapeze for some

We put our affection on display in the air
in hopes that people will clap when we catch each other
from the deadly fall below.

I wonder sometimes what happens to the partners that fall

Often partners fall from the slip of a hand
We call it an accident, no one's fault
and sometimes it is

Love could also just be a simple walk through the garden
But perhaps I enjoy the show of trust falls and trapeze
as dangerous as it is

The debt I owe
cannot be paid
with service or money
it cannot be paid
with food or gifts

The debt I owe
is own owed by many
wether to one person
or a community,
wether from a strange place
or a familiar one

It is a debt that can
only be paid forward
to the next one who requires it
only when the debt
is passed forward
is it paid

My friend told me
the death brings life meaning
and I told her
that’s why we hustle for the win
because every one might be our last

When you’re sad
they notice
they comfort them
When your world comes crashing down
they’re there
at your side
When your minds violate
they hold you, gently
and don’t say a word
When you make a mistake
they don’t scream
they simply help you fix it
When you’re gone
they miss you

You ask me questions,
Say more you say
Say more about suicide
Say more about your relationship with your parents
Say more
Say less my brain says
Say less about your feeling
more about your friends
Say less about your dreams
more about the season
Say less, the world will be a better place

I kept saying:
no one loves me
no one thinks I'm beatiful

What I really meant:
I don't love me
I don't think I'm beatiful

Words aren’t people

my pen can’t fill
the void of a friend

i like how you keep the word 'suicide'
locked up as if its for my own good

its a fun way to remind me, that i am a broken peice of furniture
that could crack under the weight of any one thing

Tell me about the worst days

So I show you my ****** hands
and bound legs

I show you the maggots in my skeleton
and the pins in my hands

I show you the patches in my head
and the bumps down my back

You pretend not to notice the decaying nature of me,
pretend not to see my slow acting killer.

and are surprise when I tell you that the maggots java burrowed into my hips

Time is a human construct
made with years
of reinforcement from clocks
time is the way we see life
seconds
              minutes
hours
               days
weeks
            months
years
             decades
constructs are only measurements
but these define your life