Is 102 poems since September too many?
am I prolific
or so insane I need the poems?
in September I called poems a drug
I may have been exactly right

For a while you thought you were the only one on the bus
A lonely passenger on a bus with no stops
And no driver
darkness around you
A bump jolts the bus
A foot off the seat you will see them
other passengers too absorbed in their own music
to see the things in front of them
Will you raise the shades and see the light of the outside
Will you hit the pause button for a moment and enjoy this with me?

My heart tightens my rib cage traps my lungs
these are part of a dance we’ve done many times
a dance where one partner is trying to run
and the other  is trying to waltz.
You do not get a head start,
there is no finish line or trophy.
You just hope that the next dance is slower,
The steps are less hard, and the partner less willing to dance.

It is cold
but everyone’s cold
struggling with
their prime drug
wether that be
love or fame
success or failure
illness or health
yessir we all have one
even if  we can’t admit it
and mine is multifaceted
wow I’m still only thirteen

Kindergarten
I’m outgoing
with one treacherous friends
yet I am still alone

Elementary years 1, 2 and 3
I fall in love
have a few friends
yet I am still alone

Elementary years 4, 5, and 6
I am foolish
outside of academics
and my social life falls apart
and I am alone

Middle school 7th grade
I am unsure about love
and confess to it
ending in humiliation
and I am alone

I was never designed to be alone
but here, in 8th grade, I am
and will always be alone

Lonely and alone are different
but right now I am alone and lonely

The darkest hour of the night
held though in her eyes
yet the stars
shown bright as well
in her eyes

Does she know
how I admire her from afar
how I love her
would she leave me if she knew

I am learning
to not make my sadness
a metaphor

but this is not one of those times'

today my sadness is everything from the ceiling fan,
to the lonely moon in the sky

love is about the quiet moments
the moments between breathing and speaking
it is about just holding someone
not talking
not speaking
just holding them

But it is also about the things you don't say
the shame that pours across your face
as you look at your loved one
the chasm that the things we don't say make
is the one that will cut deepest.

I’m skinner than before
and still
I can’t glance in the mirror
and still
I can’t wear tight clothing
and still
I glance at my stomach
and still
I can’t eat lunch somedays
and still
my thighs bother me
and still......

Anxiety is wondering
finding the worst scenario
and elaborating on it
anxiety is a fast growing plant
climbing up walls
and erasing everything else
anxiety is erratic
going from saying something
to college applications
anxiety is living in the future
forgetting what is right here and now

our relationship was like confetti
the parties gone, the guests have left
but it sits, damp, lifeless, alone
in the grass

Our relation ship was like glitter
even though the sparkle is gone,
its still turning up
in the couch cushions

Our relationship is like the party long gone
every loves to reminisce
but no one wishes they'd stayed longer

Let me apologize

for the way I loved you

and the way it came crashing down

the words I meant to say
are crumbling.
Come get them before they're blown to ash

you are monotonoous,
but only from afar
you glimmer like a spark
and fall in graceful archs

you coat the logs and leaves
you sprinkle on the eaves
you fall together like a weave.
on my scarf you salt and pepper

you are a cruel predator
blinding confusing, you grab your prey
the maze create is flawless,
you are truly a deadly thing

you are snow.
you are a wolf in sheeps clothing

When the out of order is in order
it is a hard feeling to place
The chips are all mixed up inside
But the machine can still dispense

The out of order sign belongs on me
but yet by some mystery
no one has even checked so see if they can get chips

People who are malicious
are an enigma
that I want to solve
why do they act out?
low self esteem?
family problems?
what made them this way?
their mind?
their family?
I wan to solve the puzzle
so that I can help them and the victims

Every wall I’ve built
came crashing down
with a
I don’t want to do this anymore
you destroyed my walls
you trusted me,
and I trusted you
but that’s over
so don’t try to crack
the walls again

I'm sorry it's dramatized
because I am a poet
I'm sorry if I
bleed out my eyes
because I am a poet
I'm sorry if I
see winter in the summer sky
because I am a poet

Watercolor leaves
Dancing in the trees
Blurred by the rain
Soothe my pain

I promised
I would always stand with you
forever
but
you grew up
when I wasn’t looking
and suddenly
you didn’t want me around
I talked
but you no longer listen
I was waiting on
your answer:
did I break a promise
or honor the trust of one?

You reflect
and    
        D
                   R
                            I
           F
                      T
                                                                ­                  n
                                                       i      ­   b
                                                               ­             a               o
                                                     With ariel  r                       ws  so wispy
                                                     almost spectral in nature


                  But shadows swirl in you as well,
                  darkness within light.
                  tiny little rainbows
                  scatter out of sight


Fill up the sky
with your flight
Up up up
don’t look back

                                    Up up up
                                    till the pressure
                                    makes you crack

I roll the words I say to you around in my mouth,
Making sure I will feel good about them later
But of course, I don’t.
Later I will curse my words, and wish I spent them more wisely.
There is always more to say to you.
I want to tell you how I used to make sandcastles out of plastic cups,
I want to tell you how everyday I wonder if the person next to me is depressed
I want to tell you what book I’m reading.
I want to tell you I’m lesbian.
To tell you though I would have to spend a lot of words

the trees are reaching
clawing for you
ready to embrace
trees whisper their welcome
trees whisper your worth
they can’t wait until you’re theirs
in their clutching arms
the waiting is killing them
burning their very soul
ebbing at their patience
taking its deadly toll
you know you want to come
to this quiet place  
where dreams run wild
possibilities are pondered
and tomorrow seems way off yonder
so come
they’re waiting for you

Don’t speak
it’s easier that way
they scream
and maybe they’re right
but I just grin
like the Cheshire cat
and walk away

no one loves you when you're choking
on your own breath
the look at the rope binding you
and believe it is beyond them
to begin unraveling them

Shroud my vision
blur my mind
tripping every step
heavy heart
but not of stone
just tarnished
not shattered
just bleeding
will I heal before
my heart shrivels

The code word is fine
don’t let go
hold onto me through this
don’t let me forget
my humanity
my sanity
so the code word is fine
don’t lose our memories
don’t say I’m crazy
you’re breaking the trust
I’m sorry
I’m still just a little girl
with broken memories

Lost in my head
I run the maze
Shadows lurk
Avoid their gaze
Turn left of right
It doesn’t care
It will take you anywhere
Find the key
And hold on tight
You might not have it after tonight
In the morning you awake
Run the same maze
The demons can not wait

Dear Brendon Urie
this impossible year your songs were the only thing that put vigor in my blood, and feeling in my limbs. Until we feel alright. In my darkest hours your songs made my skeleton want to dance, made it dance, it always danced to your music. Always forever I will dance to your music.
Dear Brendon Urie
I'm all dressed up and naked. A tiktok, that was all it was, innocently scrolling through tiktok with my friend (though one could argue with her feed it is never innocent), I saw it. Do you know when you have the dream that you're naked at school?  This is a hundred fold worse. I was not naked, but something tore certainty from my body. The music that had help build be up burned my structure. You can set yourself on fire
Dear Brendon Urie
Girls love girls and boys. I came out as lesbain a few months ago. You gave me a space to explore that, you said ‘its ok to be queer’, then you punched me across the face. Homophobe was not usually even close to the row of adjectives I reserved for you but now it is.
Dear Brendon Urie
Just another LA Devotee. I thought for a second that tik tok was like voter fraud in Wisconsin, false claims made by uneducated people. Then the truth hits, no women lies about ****** harassment, no fan lies about your racist monologe at a concert, nobody lies about someone saying the n word, no one lies about you laughing at a ablelist joke. You are not as shiny as you appear. The glitter dancing on the skin. The decades might've washed it out.
Dear Brendon Urie
It's better to burn than to fade away. For years I have watched each of my heros burn
Dear J.K. Rowling,
Dear Gloria Steniem.
Every author I ever loved homophic.
Dear Kevin Clash
Dear Michael Jackson
Dear Bill Cosby
Every artist I every loved accused of pedophila
Dear lance armstrong
Dear basketball players
Every athlete I aspired to be like a drug used
Dear Bill Clinton
Every politican I admired accused of ****** assault
You have all proved to me that there are no heroes that there is no one to look up to.
I am sad more than angry, sad that you couldn’t be bothered to love the world as they love you.

I am trying to write a letter to the man who tried to save me.
I don’t know what to say
And maybe that's why I stop
Maybe that's why the ground remains the same distance away.
Maybe that's why the bridge doesn’t win this time.
The characters of ‘dear teacher’
are the only things that mark the page

Dear victim
you aren’t useless
no matter what they said
you aren’t ugly
no matter what they screamed
you aren’t stupid
no matter how they taunted
you aren’t small
you voice matters
no matter what abuse
they screamed
whatever happened
you are not slight
they are

I see the strange
beautiful, and delicate things
they are in every day life
the way branches sift and shutter
waving in harmony
how that man is smiling
when he talks to his students
the laugh lines around his mouth and eyes
turning up with his lips
the way the bags under that girls eyes
look permeant and set
the world is an orchestra
and I have only seen
a few measures

Quiet faces
and loud minds
sitting back because
not everything requires a reaction

A dog is dead in Portland Oregon on the highway.
No one does anything after all it’s not their dog.
The owner, a boy, will only have the name tag to cry over.
The lost
A woman dies after ten years in the senior home.
The staff bury her with a plain tombstone.
No family comes to weep over her grave.
The forgotten
A teacher hides their students under the desks and in cabinets.
There is nowhere for them to hide.
They are shot five times in the abdomend.
The willing sacrifice.
A young man stands at a walkway, which overlooks a highway.
He secures a paper to the bridge.
He jumps.  
The fighters
Do you hear the people screaming?
Close your eyes and listen.
Listen.

Do not cry
Do not worry you didn’t do enough
I am free from the burden that I carried every where
Or maybe I looked to my wrists
And realized that there were no shackles
Only the ones I drew there

Barren wastelands
of plastic
cursed with eternal life
towers of humanities junk
showing us
what defines a people

Let me take
Your sorrows
Your worries
Let me transform them into
Something comprehensible
Something magical
Let me ease
The pain
The anxiety
The hardship
Let me write poetry

I debated about
sending an email
but I don’t want to bother you
so I sit alone
feeling worse every second
still the emails are silent
unsent, unread
and there they shall remain

Her mouth is a smile
But her eyes are empty
She says she’s fine
But her eyes plead
She has a brave face
But she looks away
The eyes can never deceive

Clouds are swirling
and trees sway
clouded heart
and confused brain
but yet I’m not really in pain
because it all feels the same

every time you glance over a "fine"
every time you're cold and unsupportive
when you ask the easy questions
when you see pain in someones eyes
and do nothing
every time....

you're gambling with a life
so ask the hard questions
see past the masks and lies
throw down the rope
or tie the noose
it's your call this time

I have paraphrased
my struggle on this page.
To find some meaning

fire scorches
but the reward it brings
outweighs the danger
fire is no stranger
it has been privy
to many conversations
as well as dangers
no one knows of the burden it carries
burning itself
to warm others

The stork is ready
to begin the hunt
but there is a string
around my neck
holding me still
I grab the fish near me
but I cannot swallow
for the string is to tight
my ambition is the fish
but they are far away
and the string is so short

You hold out a flower to me and show me its intricacies, its petal, its every seam.
Then you ask if I could live with myself if I squished, because you couldn't,  you say
I tell you most days I already don’t live with myself,
I am just waking up and waiting to fall asleep
Or in bed waiting for the morning,
counting the intricacies of the wall.
I tell you that my head already doesn’t live with me, it lives leagues deeper,
much deeper in the petals of my flower.
And when I show you my back with all the seams,
the places where the stem meets the petals, and they stitch together unwillingly.
I tell you, the world has already smashed me,
It seems to have no problem living with it.

half finished sentences roll in my mouth
threatening their next words
almost like bombs.
they contain secrets
that would change my word in a moment
they hold my downfall
they hold my rise
and always on the tip of my tongue they roll
when I'm around you

Have you seen me
or am I transparent
am I here
or just a shadow
fading with each day

if you saw me
what did you seen
did you see a vision of lies?
or a simple truth?
did you perceive the good
or the bad

what did you see?
should it matter to me?

in the hollow of my bones you rattle
striking panic in my brain
but from collapsing I must refrain
a finger strokes my wrist
my hands shake
as I realize my pulse is there
and I could destroy it

I hoped  
that tomorrow it would be better
but it wasn’t
I still spent 2 hours crying in the bathroom,
not being able to move, breath,
or understand the silent tears on my face
I still spent hours weaving
narratives that never did happen.
I still couldn't answer what I’d do in 15 years

Hope where are you,
I thought you were a light in the dark
A flare in a vast ocean, a sign of life
instead you are nothing,
you do not sit by me when I still spend hours crying
you do not sit by me as I imagine a worse tomorrow
you are somewhere else entirely, and I am alone.