I miss you more than I can bare
But we had our time together
And I have to let you go

Today I wept
Amidst a thousand bodies
The smell of lavender
Brought only your scent
Then too
Your warmth
Your smile
Your hearbeat through your embrace
For the final time
I walk away to forget you
It's been months since we last spoke
A few days since I walked away
Yet still it feels like I loved you just yesterday
This moment forth
I can no longer let you riddle my mind
With this my last poem
Of you
Whom I loved so dearly
In such mysterious ways
Ways I could never understand
Ways I hope he loves you
Goodbye
Anic
A coward to have never said it to your face
I couldn't knowing you'd cry
I know you waited to see me
Before I'd left
I'll never forget your last word
"Hey"
As I'd walked away
Nor could I forget the look in your eyes
The pain and uncertainty
Just know it was never my plan to hurt you
I only ever wanted the best for you
By some miracle you read this someday
I did love you
You'll forever be
What I felt to be
The truest love
Of all time
Surely this the reason you're so hard to forget
Take care
I wish you well

Dearest Anic
Tu es un amour
Tu es léger
Tu es tout ce dont tu auras jamais besoin

I do not fear my end
So I freefall
Gracelessly
Out of control

Without you
But
For you
As
I was never good for you

Invisible
Irrelevant

I know you're home
Its kind of hard when you're my neighbour
I want so badly just to say hello again
To look into your eyes and feel okay
I just had to be the *****
I won't lie I was scared
Just those few words ****** it all up
Now out of place
I can't even talk to you
I know it's for the best though
You're happy now and I see that
I'm happy for you I really am
Although I'm dying inside
Scavenging what remains of myself
All I wish for Is to see you again
To have the courage to tell you
I miss you
I know I haven't the right
Its not what it may seem though
I'd just like to be friends again
Although it's an impossibility
Due to my arrogance
This is why I sit downstairs
In solitary
I'm sorry again
I miss you so much

For the life of me
Could our two worlds not collide
Just once more
Once more to last
Forever more

There's this soul
Once
The one to waken my very own
Now
The one for which it calls
Never to see
Never to feel
Never to hold
Not ever again
Yet this soul
The only one to change me

For the betterment
Of my humanity
Through her divinity

So it's come
Years of planning
My disappearing
Death certificates
Nothing but a figure
No one among the masses
My ghosting
My new life in death
A face soon to be nameless
A second unsaid goodbye
Better left unsaid
For love sake
For my family sake

Nogsteeds sit ek hier
Onder die puin van gister
My hart en gedagte
n opoffering vir jou
Om vir jou gelukkig te wees
Ek het geweet
Dit gaan my sou vermoor
Maar vir jou moes ek dit doen
Nou net 'n skaduwee
Van Wie ek was
My familie verloor oor wie ek is
*** kan ek aan gaan
Maar ek moet
Vir die mensdom
Vir die herinnering aan u
Ek sal opoffer wat oor is
Want dit is geen manier om te leef nie
As 'n holle dop hou ek jou tot aan die einde

Back at it self studying
Psychology
When all I'd thought
Life's what you make it out to be
Then again
It's never been for me
I'd only realized this
Knowing it wouldn't be us til eternity

At first she were just a girl
Beauty an understatement
Heart of purest gold
Mind of the highest Queen
In touch so gentle
A love too strong
In a world so cold
Apon you wish I only the greatest
For a love of mine you did become
Keep strong in faith
Your future guided
Toward great horizons you shall glide
Through waters of love
Showered with light
The positivity you unfurl
It'll lead you well
The greatest journey
I wish for you

My dreams

Lucid

Of moments I see you

Each time I crumble

The sight of a fearful Angel

An Angel tormented

A past figure

Only bringing pain

A figure I'd never wanted to be

For what it's worth

I am so sorry

I wonder
Will there come a time
A time of clarity
One of peace
That moment of Bliss
Raw love and admiration
Apologetic

Will it devour us
Could we let it save us
If ever you and I could ever be
With you, the happiest I've ever been

It's all I dream of
Everything I crave
First and always
It's still you

There came a point
Since then
I haven't felt anything

I am that which is lost
I am the departed
Merely something which no longer exists

Her faded touch
Etched deeply in memory
How must I carry such
For what never was mine
An evening alone
I lay beside her
Nothing in my mind
Not pain
No consequence
I felt only love
In a moment
Flashed images
An entire life
Never to be mine
How can I carry this
For what is most likely to be
Another man's wife

I miss you so much
For my heart, you are it's crutch
Without you so lost
For this I cannot get past
You're all I need and so much more
Just take my hand, let's close the door
Take my soul, it's already yours
Give me your soul, let us open new doors
I need nothing more than you
So let us be two
Two on a mission
Purest of intention
I want to hold you
Its simple really, I need you
I need to kiss you, then it's your discretion
I hope it's a kiss that leaves a lasting impression
So much so as to change our relation
Your faith I will carry proudly
Firstly
My Angel, I need you
with me
To show me the way
Let's fall inlove
Will you be my queen
Let's rise above
Let nothing come inbetween

2nd dose down
Burning me to the ground
From inside out
The only thought for comfort
The one I live without

My dreams my solice
Existence my bane
Living always with so much pain

Again dreaming
Energy depleting
Yearning still
The silence of night
With the woman I still love

This pain in my chest
Undying
To each thought of you
Reminding
My feelings for you
Undying
There really is no
Denying
As I lay motionlesss
Crying
I try so hard just to be
Failing
All truly because I was afraid of
Loving
Moments come fast when I feel like
Exploding
Yet lay I here at some point everyday
Collapsing
Further Into myself
Imploding
Without any denial
Dying

If I could ask anything of God

Do I ask him to show you that you deserve only the greatest love in the world and I'm far from it or do I ask him for the means to give you only the greatest love in the world
To receive your love from another world

Why do I feel you
Everywhere I go
I've come to terms
With what I'd done
Although still
I feel the need to see you again
Even briefly
Although it's best not to
I think, I assume
But I hope still
To see you someday
To see you smile
To know you are okay
Even from a far
I just need to know you are okay

This morning I stood in the rain
Unafraid of illness
Not bothered by the cold
Something moved me
I couldn't explain what
Delusional again
I felt her
I felt her smile
I'd heard she was well
Someone told me she was happy

For the love that never was mine nor ever shall be

I am proud of you
You're doing great
Keep your chin up
You can handle anything
I ** you
I miss you

I can feel you
Forgetting me
I've never been
Happier
For you

Oh how I've run
So so many times
I ran to the military
I ran away from you
Nothings ever hurt more
Not making selection
Roamed France
No path found
Returned
Anew
Redefined
Tweaked
Still wondering
Could I face you again
Even briefly
I guess time will tell
I just mustn't run
Not again

Lost in the deepest forest
Of my clouded mind
Treversing rugged terrain
Climbing sheer cliff-faces
Then thinking of taking the short way down
Lost pretty much everything
Just my family
Keeping me going
Their wellbeing and your face
All that kept my step back
I couldn't hurt my family
I'll carry on as best I can
For the chance I see you
To show you I've been strong
Hopefully to see Happy
To say I'm proud of you
To hear you say you're proud of me

Faces forever more
Foreign to me
My inability to look
All this my only fear
Seeing your eyes
The only thing I'd need
That moment
Ultimate bliss
Incomparable heartbreak
Which it'd be
I wouldn't know
I've become permanently afraid
Afraid of seeing faces

Time and time again
My mind runs
Far to a place it cannot be
Coinciding so sweetly with memories
There it finds solice
On a beach
Maybe at backline
Gazing back in the waves
Each time emerging
The most incredible being
Any man could ever lay their eyes on
As drawn to the earth as I
Be it the ocean
Personifying the waters of life
Most crucial of all
Glimpses of heaven
Exalted gloriously in her eyes

I need not anyone know me
I need not approval
I need but one simple thing
I need my inner peace

No longer knowing the veil between
What's real and what isn't
A mind left to wander
Among ruins hopeless
On different paths
Remnents of a heart
Cast out for survival
Amidst the scurry of ferals
Banished knowing its betrayal
T'ward seeking wisdom
Eventually a mind at peace
The resting place for one's shell

Something to get straight
As if u boxing a crate
It's none other than myself
Forbidden amidst the top shelf
I can't relate
All I do is self desolate
In this world I feel like an elf
Ever gazing for that top shelf
Here I self isolate
Watching as passer-by's come to desecrate

Two shotguns
Aimed at our heads
Six more men
We were **** out of fortune
A horde looting
Our lives on a line
Held up in broad daylight
Until they'd left with nothing to spare
Savages to which
My men's lives
Meant as much as a case of beer
All in mind
The safety of my men
Whether I'd ever see her face again

I don't know what's real anymore
Back at it once more
To the moon and back
Everywhere inbetween
This crippling anguish
For a love never mine
What is this all for
That heavily barricaded door
I tried getting through
To declare one's sorrow
For a time long ago
Tirelessly I've prayed
For one I'm deprived
Endlessly ruling a withering heart
I repent
A thousand times over
A million more
It doesn't help
I guess I'll carry on
Dreaming
My only peace
Seeing her as I open the front door

To thee I bid
Farewell
Tis best
I restrain
Further complications
Wish full avoided
I do love thee
Actions understood
I walk away
A final stride
Away from thou
The first true love
The friend I no longer have
I wish thee well
I wish
Prosperity
Love
Happiness
Qualities only found
In you

I get it now

I saw so much in her
Perfect in every imperfection.
Heart of pure love
A smile that warmed my broken heart
The dream girl I'd always imagined
Intentions so pure.

My Hearts
Fallen Angel


All I needed
Life material you might say

But I

A stupid heart reduced to coal, mercury arteries, yes my intentions were true but I had to be the idiot to question Her!

No-one will ever know of this but I truly did love her

I loved her smile
The way it warmed me from the inside

The way she'd play with her hair liquifying the inner crevasses of this heart

I loved how kind hearted she was and how she cared so much but I always believed she deserved better realizing I am tormented, a burden unbaringly deserved.

I should've said what I felt
I should've kissed her

Instead leant Apon the door
I wouldnt allow myself

I looked You in the eyes and shot myself

Although all I wanted was to see you
I couldn't for your own good
You knew it was coming
That's why you ask dme to leave you alone
So it wouldn't be as painful

A Necessary Sacrifice
Your Happiness and Well being
All I want for you

Til time flies and paths not overstep

I'll be wishing you well

From a Place, Time and Location Never Known

Just as much the mystery to me than you

In search of

Answers

Questions

Knowledge

Wisdom

Of

LOVE

A piece of Myself I could never forget because of You

I've never known anything easy
From love
All the way down
To work
I couldn't give myself a break
This my curse
My inability to be a burden
More so a fear
Always being too much
I drove her off
I made her hate me
Now she's forgotten me
Even worse if she thinks me a freak
Do you see?
What it's like to be me
How does one carry on being
Here I question it
Tomorrow back at it
My mind is diseased
I've purposely been torching it
I've never known anything easy
Atleast I can't allow myself the ease
My mind and soul
Now running off
Just like her
Taking the smart route
While all I know, the hard ones
I guess they had to flee
For their own safety

Like thieves
We are all
Inlove with stolen hearts

I want you
To be you
With me
Til eternity
Just us two
Me and you

Have you ever met someone
Someone who's smile alone
Gave you peace
Joy
Love
The hope of a better world

Last night I got arrested
I snapped and strangled a coworker
I couldn't see nor hear
Fueled by pure rage
I had to fight myself to let go

Then it happened again
I went for the next one

Safe to say
I really have issues

I'm jobless now
Still the family disappointment
Now the delinquent too
Being dropped off some time to midnight
A convoy of police vans

My whole neighbourhood
I guess now they all see the delinquent in me

I've lost the plot
My mind societies game
Just another pawn

I really do have more problems than I'd hoped for

Left still to wonder
This pain inside unseen
Hopefully soon I can figure out my way
To never again be seen

Drained
Battered and beaten
I push through each day
Heart scarred
Mind torn
Existence tormented
Yet you
Still only you
Manage by mere thought
To calm a weary mind
Mend a sheared heart
Prompt a shadowed existence
Physically afar
Spiritually uplifting
Immediately and inveriably
Present at heart

I haven't the heart
To get close
To look into your eyes
To see what I've become
Within eyes of ocean blue
Soulfully penetrating
Fearful
Of emptiness I hold
Disappointment
From an Angel
Soul shattering
Self inflicted

To a love I knew
The same love I lost
The love I'd pushed away
The love that haunts me to this day

Life's mysteries
That which I'd prayed
To change
Realizing
It couldve been better for me
It would've only been worse for you

I'm not very certain
What will come in the end
All I know is it involves a gun
And a pen

I broke the law today
Swimming in Gods creation
The Ocean
So calm
So graceful
Soothing my soul
The way you did
Simply sitting next to me
Talking
Keeping my mind busy
If only I'd reached out for you
The way I did in my strides
To take you in
To have you close to me
Feeling your heart beat against mine
To set weary souls at peace
I wish I'd have run my fingers along your arms
To have kissed you
Serene bliss
But just like the ocean
I had to walk away
Fearing I'd cause trouble
The way I always do

I just need to fade away
Even if I'd seen her
What would I have to say
Well honestly
She'd see me and walk away
So this had become of me
Most and if not every day
Finding my peace
In my time of wreckless grey
Broken myself over her
Withing my own minds dismay
It was the way she looked at me
Telling me to go and stay away
I guess it's just that
That's all I've left to say

For I the flame born of darkness
Set unto thee only for warmth
As for thee to spread light

I am nothing to you
I need you to break me in two

Lee's dead
It all got to his head