I remember I wore blue, because it was your favorite color.
I remember how you moved away the next year.
We don't talk anymore,
which makes me sad,
because we used to be such good friends.
I liked you. I really liked you.
But you didn't like me.
But it was okay because we still had our friendship.
We bonded over our nerdiness, our mutual obsession with Star Wars.
But now its like we are on opposite sides of the galaxy.
But its okay.
Our friendship existed, it was real.
We will always have those nerf fights at your house,
that awkward dance,
and that time I wore blue.

I'm still learning, but how can I
how can I learn to love myself if nobody else does.
What's the point, what is there so great about myself to love.

I'm still learning to love,
please don't ***** out the light
help me,
let me be vulnerable.
let me accept others and myself.
help me to learn to love.
*please

"I don't know how to live"
                                  -Sharon Olds

To be honest, I don't know either. Like, I'm clueless right now. I'll tell you when I've figured it out. I'll tell you when I'm dead and gone and can look back at my life and tell you all my mistakes and shortcoming. Then I'll be telling you all my regrets and what ifs and thats no way to live.

So instead of living as a look back with a sense of nostalgia and "what if"
live in the now.
Take each moment in stride. Treasure the little things.
The times you smiled, the times you laughed, the times you held someone's hand and the times you wrote on paper with a good pen

Treasure the water ballon fights, the falling in publics.
Treasure even that time you laughed so hard milk came out your nose.
Sleep in, play hooky.
Cry every once in a while.
Learn from your mistakes, or make them all over again.
Take everything with a grain of salt and a sprinkle of sugar.
Learn to let go what needs to be let go
and hold on to everything you hold dear.

I’ve got nothing. Like a barren desert, scorched earth and piles of sand.
I’ve got nothing. Like a drop of water added to the ocean. It is nothing.
I’ve got nothing. Like a crumpled up piece of paper, discarded thrown away.
I’ve got nothing. Like a fan cheering loudly and yet it appears no sound comes out of their moving mouth. Drowned out in a sea of the band, and every other fan screaming and crying, and singing and dancing. It is nothing.
I’ve got nothing. Like a miner digging down,
Down,
Down,
Shovel full of dirt, after shovel full of dirt, after shovel full of dirt.
I’ve got nothing. Like the cold black vacuum of space. Void of anything. Just an empty abyss.
Nothing.

But I am something.
Like a breeze I can cause a sandstorm. Make it something.
But I am something.
Like a drop, I can cause a ripple, a wave, a tsunami.
But I am something.  
Like that crumpled piece of paper I hold ideas, I have potential.
But I am something.
Like that fan. It doesn’t matter if no one hears my words. All that matters is I said them. Stand for something.
But I am something.
Like a diamond buried deep deep
Down.
It may take some time but I’m worth it.
But I am something.
Like space, I am full of wonders and wondrous things. It may feel like I’m empty at times. It may feel like there is nothing.
But trust me,
It is something.

Who needs love?
What is it good for?
All that comes out of it seems to heartbreak.
Suffering, crying, "*******'s" & "hate you's"
Destroyed friendships, families, lives.

Who would want to experience those things?
the fond memories, the held hands, the cuddles by warm fires, and the times we laughed till we cried.
Who needs love...
oh wait, I need love

I really want to listen to some music right now.
I want to lose myself in the melody.
I want to feel my heart beat in staccato.
I want the rhythm to carry me way.
I want my lungs to long for a break to breath.
And most of all,
I want my skin to tingle and my hairs to stand on end
as if in a standing ovation when the song ends.