I had been desperately flailing around in the water .
I forgot that if I stopped panicking I could stay afloat.
Drowning my sorrows in distractions .
I forgot what a sober life felt like .
Depression became my default.
I forgot that joy was also an option .
Suffering was normalized.
And peace was just a distant dream .
I was too busy surviving the days .
I had forgotten to just live in the moment..

You were possessive
A narcissist
Just wasn’t my type
I still gave you a chance even though I know my heart wasn’t right
I let you corrupt me and twist me in so many ways
Though I wanted to leave you I continued to stay .
You were a  no good
A distraction
A unsure place
You were  cancer
A mouse trap
A gloomy day
A ball of insecurities
A huge ego
A empty space
I should have said goodbye and yet I still chose to stay
Not because I fell in love
I saw the red flags as clear as day
I knew you were hell incarnated and not my saving grace .
Your heart was terrifying
Your mind was much worse
Your words did only damage and not
any good
Why I suffered from your hand and looked for no way out
It was simple  
I was  already lonely ,broken, shattered and hollow to begin with .
Even if all you gave me was pain I used that to fill the emptiness..

Emptiness has swallowed me
Faint remembrance of the girl I used to be .
Reflection in the mirror
A stranger stared right back at me
I didn’t recognize this hallow version of me .

Not a smile or ounce of color is she
Black and white
Monotone
No Character
Describes her lost sense of reality

Fragments of her former self
Now only a shadow
Her few words and fleeting emotions ..

I’m not to be played with
I am not your toy
I am more than just an option
That you can null and void
You don’t get to pick when , how, where  
or how far you”re willing to meet me .

Im not the spur of the moment
A quick feel
A trophy
A doll
A crutch you use to boost your ego  
Mediocre
Last Choice
Average
Your thoughts of me overall .

I am more than what you perceive me to be
I am a blessing
Resilience
Grace
Beauty
A prize
Someone’s
Fantasy
Dream
Bride
You never saw or try to decipher any part of me
But I always saw your were
Potential,
Work in  progress ,
Eventual greatness ,
Everything you couldn’t see .
I helped you afloat when I  was the one who was unsteady .
I should  have never rescued you when the only intentions you had was drowning me .

Stuck
I'm stuck with no way out
No matter how hard I try
It's all in vain .
I'm stuck in this endless cycle of pain
Hope for more.
Settle For Less.
No ,expect nothing.
These screams have to be worth something
The Sweat,
Tears ,
Time I sacrificed trying
HAD TO BE WORTH SOMETHING.
Where is my win
Why am I stuck at a forever dead end .
Countless attempts to pull myself up after I've been drowning in sea of failure for far too long
Desperately Crawling with every bit of me
Fingers Submerged
In The Dirt of my own Relentlessness
I refuse to give in.





,

Am  I done ?
I need to be done .
Please tell me I’m done.
After putting in my all
Going beyond my best
Trying hard not to fall
Racking my brain
Through it all
Desperately .
Can I give up ?
Can I throw in the towel ?
I’m sure I heard the fat lady sing
It was a slow melody of torture.
It’s not like I didn’t expect this
But I took a different approach
I tried another path
Because maybe the reason I couldn’t find it wasn’t because it did not exist .
Maybe I was just bad at directions
That’s why I kept arriving to a dead end .
So I took my time ,
Retrace my steps,
Followed the signs,
But it all led to the same end
My end.
That oh so familiar ending that’s etched in
  My heart ,
My thoughts ,
My very being ,
That  assures me time and time again that I am..

From the day I was born I obtained the thing so many people search a lifetime for .
I obtained love .
Not any kind of love
Unconditional love
A love a mother has for a child no one can can come between that .
That love was made special .
Special as in caring for a seed that haven’t even took shape yet .
Special as in nurturing your body the correct ways so that the life inside you can benefit from it .
Special as in going through months of nausea, sleepy spells , weird cravings , anxiety , so much anxiety , for a whole 9 months .
Preparing and planning and treating everything carefully and cautiously just so that seed’s arrival will be safe .
Do you see the love I’m talking about ?
I’m not even here yet and they already rolled out the red carpet just for me .
Now that is LOVE .
But the best part is it doesn’t stop there.
You are with me every step of the way .
When I crawled you were so excited.
When I said my first words you were filled with joy .
When I learned how to walk you cheered me on .
When I learned how to read you praised me.
When I liked a certain snack you indulged me .
When I wore my first uniform you couldn’t stop taking pictures.
When I misbehaved you scolded me .
When I felt alone you comforted me .
When I felt insecure you encouraged me.
You loved me before you knew me .
Your love never wavered not even once
When you get mad at me I know it’s because you care for me .
When you lecture me I know it’s because you don’t want me to end up doing something stupid or That I will regret.
When you compliment me I know it’s from the heart .
Every single action you have shown me ,
Every lesson you have taught me ,
Is just a small fraction of just how much I mean to you .
I’m very grateful to receive such a wonderful and limitless love from the woman who means everything to me .
I can write you aa1,000 page essay and it still would not be able to express the magnitude of love that I have for you .