(still not a poem)
Sometimes it gets to a point where I can't hear anything. Not even the static on the radio. Every little thing can push me over the edge. Make that bomb start ticking a little faster. Make me think that I'm going to have another attack. And it hurts... And it doesn't help if you have this constant voice in your head - this constant Thing trying to basically take over your mind.
It's no joke.
Depression is no joke.
Bipolar is no joke.
Having a split-personality is no fun.
Mix all of those elements together for days and nights on end.
No longer something to make fun of is it?
I wish people were more aware of what having Anxiety and other "disorders" implied.

(not a poem)
I don't think some people fully comprehend how bad Anxiety can be. Just saying or doing the simplest, stupidest thing could trigger it. And it only takes a second. You can tell me about how great my outfit looks and SNAP, it's there. He can start an argument with me and then apologies right away, but SNAP. It'll be there right away. And it truly *****... You feel like crying, you start shaking, it feels like your lungs are collapsing, you feel faint and nauseous and your heart feels hollow, you can't see anymore - everything is pitch-black even in broad daylight - and you clam up.

Can I just have my own thoughts for a change?
      Hahaha! But I am a part of you!
      You don't have your own thoughts.
      Don't you get that yet?
I am my own person.
      No. You are not.
Yes. I am.
       Never. You belong to me. I belong
       to you. We are one.
I am not my thoughts.
        Maybe, but I can sure as hell
        control you.

He makes me feel pretty
And wanted
And loved
And cared for.
He is all I've never needed
All I'll ever need
All I've ever wanted
And all I'll ever want.
And I love him
I love him I love him I love him.

(When you read this: Hi :). You are truly appreciated <3 )

I'll always love you
In some part of my heart
You'll always have a place
I'll keep it secret
Keep it hidden
But I'll always love you
You'll always have a place

All these spectacles and still you made a spectacle of yourself.
All these binoculars and still, she wasn't the only one you saw.
All these calendars and you still didn't have time to come out and visit.
All these clocks and you still couldn't give her the time of day.
All these hair straighteners and still you couldn't straighten yourself out.
All these hearts and you still couldn't give her yours.
All these obstacles and still you couldn't get over them.
All these calculators and you still can't figure your problems out.
All these directions and you still can't find your way back home.
All these weights and still you couldn't pick your life up.
All these cleaning supplies and you still couldn't clean up your act.
All this soap and your attitude still stank.
All these gates and still you won't make it to heaven.
All these condoms and you still ****** up.
All these vows and you still went against your word.
All these games and yet you still played her the most.
All these pencils and yet you still wrote us off.
All these exchange rates and yet you still couldn't come through in September 2006 or August 2014.
All this money and you still won't contribute to my future.
All these birthday cards and still you couldn't wish me.
All these funeral and get well soon cards and still you couldn't say goodbye to Nonna.
All these apples but still, we weren't the apple of your eye.
All these sunglasses and still you were too blind to see what you lost.

There is something eerily comforting
About being
Stuck in my own mind.

There is something dauntingly
Familiar
About why I am
Stuck in my own mind.

There is something beautifully ironic
About myself that I
Fail to express;
I am a content girl spreading
Giddiness among others,
But,
I have a dark mind.

Thoughts purged by the
Darkness.
And, a heart that is
Light.

No.
My mind is not always full of
Darkness.
Stars linger in the dark of
Night,
And stars linger in the
Crevices of my mind.

There is no finality in
Darkness.
The stars; my heart -
They have proven this.

Is it okay to run and hide?
Or is that a form of cowardice?
Is it okay to want to escape my own body?
Or is that self-denial?
Is it okay to hate blood?
Or is that unforgiving?
Is it okay to hate crying?
Or is that absurd?
Is it okay to want to pick up that shiny piece of metal?
Or is that cruelty?
Is it okay to want to see yourself bleed?
Or is that preposterous?
Is it okay to want to leave my body behind?
Is it okay to want to leave everything behind?
Is it okay to hate the life you've been given?
Is it okay to hate the fact that your life is no longer bearable?
Or should I just continue to live?
Despite the fact that my heart is breaking
Despite the fact that I'm not the only one doing it
Despite the fact that my own blood -
My own mother is breaking it as well
And despite the fact that I've never been truly happy...
Is it okay to just want to leave?
Or is that suicide?
Is that a crime that God will judge me for?
Or will God be standing at the gates of Heaven with open arms, saying,
"My Child, you are safe now."
Is it okay to be an ambivert?
Or is that stupidity?
Is it okay to hate your body?
Or is that a lack of self-esteem?
Is it okay to want to hide yourself from the rest of the world?
Or is that selfishness?
Is it okay to want to cry and cry until there are no tears left
While not wanting to shed a single tear more?
Or is that too paradoxical?
Is it okay to want to smash your own skull against a brick wall?
Or is that too aggressive?
Is it okay to want to commit these crimes?
Or will God judge me for that?
Or will He be standing at the gates of Heaven with open arms, saying,
"My child, you are safe now."

1 2 3 4
Hold your breath.
5 6 7 8
Exhale through slightly parted lips.
1 2 3 4
Hold your breath once more.
Is this worth dying for?
5 6 7 8
Don't tell me it's too late.
Exhale through slightly parted chapped lips.
1 2 3 4
There has to be more.
So much more.
5 6 7 8
It's never too late.
I can still learn to appreciate
The life I've been given.
1 2 3 4
I will continue fighting for
My life
My say.
5 6 7 8
My life will not end on this cold hard floor.
Hold your breath.
Inhale. Exhale.
You are worth more.

Let's start off with this: I miss you.
Let's add: every day.
Let's keep in mind: we broke up 2 years ago and I have a new boyfriend.
Let's do this: get each other's numbers and make plans.

Rewind.

I have not been able to get you out of my head.
I have splinters in my heart.
I can still hear your voice, can still hear you saying my name.
I still get goosebumps at the thought of you.
What have I done?
How could I let you go?

Pause.
We were good.
I was filled with giddiness.
You filled my heart with wonderlust that was uncontrollable.
You made my soul yearn for freedom.
I had never experienced that before.
I don't now.

Play.
My mom said that what we had was simply
"puppy love"
Oh, if only she could understand...
If only she could see my heart.
If only you could.

Pause.
I want to show you my heart.
I have changed.
I am different; no longer afraid.
Let me open up my heart and show you the cracks I have left in it.

Fast forward.
My new boyfriend made me happy.
But he does not fill that void.
I am currently unhappily in a relationship with him.
But I won't break his heart.
I won't break another one.
I know I broke yours.

What is my punishment?
I have done this to myself -
I am breaking my own heart because I broke yours.
I am breaking my own heart so that I can avoid
Breaking his.

But wait.
I still need you back.
I still need you back.
Please don't shut me out.

Please...
Take me back...

How could I let myself fall for you.
For your sweet smile.
For your cold blue eyes
For your laugh.
That laugh that sounded like heaven.

How could I let myself fall for that sweet talk.
For the taste of your lips.
For the way you smelled like lavender and cigarettes.
For the way you gripped me when we hugged.
For the way your warm lips felt against my cold skin.

How could I let myself fall for you.
For your stupid jokes.
For your strangeness.

How could I be so blind.
I didn't see the real you.
I was blinded by your mask of purity.

You were a villain disguised as a hero.

You stole my heart and left me to bleed.
You watched as I cru m bl e d.
You didn't care...

Not about me at least.

How could I be so foolish to think you were the one.
My one.

How could I...

How could you.

How could you play me for the fool I am.
The fool I was.

How could we think we would last.
How could I.
How...

-RNL