I'm drowning but acting like nothing's wrong
I'm sick of being alive, I've been alone for so so long
I'm sorry for saying sorry every single second of the day
I swear, always mean well but keep ******* up what I say
I know for a fact that I'm easily replaceable
I'm aware that to my friends, I'm erasable
I’m always the one walking behind my friends alone
I’m sure they wouldn’t even notice if I went home

Growing up, a “sorry” was the paper-thin line between “they didn’t scream too much today” or  “crying myself to sleep because it’s 3 am and we’ve been fighting for hours and I literally got nothing more to give”
I’m sorry, I’m trying to change that

Yelling triggers my anxiety so badly, it doesn’t matter if you yell at me saying you just won a million dollars, I’ll still cry. My parents screamed at me until I was scared they’d hurt me
I’m sorry, I’m trying to change that

I can’t stand people trying to touch my face, I flinch and try to get away. That’s what happens when someone’s touch once left marks
I’m sorry, I’m trying to change that

If I were to tell my parents about how ******* tired I was of living they’d just tell me to stop overreacting. That’s why I ignore my mental health until I’m literally dead inside
I’m sorry, I’m trying to change that

When someone asks me something it’s super hard for me to say “yes” or “no” because whatever I would answer I would either get called “spoiled” or “ungrateful”. And due to my parents forcing and shaming me to say “thank you” it’s now super hard for me to say it
I’m sorry, I’m trying to change that

My parents used to leave me on read because they got “tired of dealing with me and my overdramatized feelings”, that’s why I freak out when I’m left on read
I’m sorry, I’m trying to change that

But I’m still a work in progress
And I might never be ready

I wish I knew how to say what I;
WANT without being too scared;
TO be honest and say that I want to;
**** the sadness I feel inside of;
MYSELF that never leave;
BUT would you still look at me as if;
I never changed and say that you
DON'T want to lose me, that you
WANT me to stay in your life because
MY sadness doesn't change me from being a part of your
FAMILY
AND change that to being just
FRIENDS again, would you still say you want me
TO never leave you and always
BE by my side no matter how
SAD I am
I Want To **** Myself But I Don't Want My Family And Friends To Be Sad

I have these thoughts in my head that keeps me awake
I got this feeling in my stomach that I can’t shake
They make me really question my own sanity
Is this really me who’s talking or is it just anxiety?
Is this just me or is there something more?
Because I can’t recognize myself anymore
I have thoughts so black that they stain my heart
So I no longer can tell me or the whispering voices apart

I’m a complicated human, I’m far away from being sane
There’s no way I could show you or even explain
It’s been so long since I’ve even trusted someone new
I hurt myself sometimes, is that too much for you?
Everything was so much easier when I didn’t know your name
Because now you’re stuck on my mind and I’m not the same

There are a few things I have by my bed at night except for a nightlight
Benzodiazepines, amphetamines, antidepressants, and a crafting knife
It might sound a bit ****** up, but sweetheart, that’s the story of my life
To stay alive I sold my soul and paid a high price

I was wild and reckless
You were patient, made success
You tamed the wolf inside of me
So call me your puppy, baby

Smile.
Cover it up, whatever you do, don't let it show  
Smile.
Don’t say it really ******* hurts, they don’t want to know
Smile.
Don’t let them see you are actually faking
Smile.
Smile even when you feel your heart is breaking

There are a lot of things I do not dare to say
Like, the last time I trusted someone they walked away
I am terrified to really let someone in
Scared of letting someone see the scars deep within
I have been cut so many times before
I do not expect people to stay around anymore

I’ve probably seen stuff that’d make any grown person freak out, or at least have nightmares.
I have seen people die, I’ve seen over 1000 videos and I don’t remember half of them, they didn’t leave a mark. You name it, I’ve seen it. It’s been;
Decapitation, headshots, crushed under caterpillars, hanging, drowning, burning alive, getting skinned alive, hit by a train, brain matter splattered on the ground, the trembling hands of the man who’s unable to feel his legs not knowing they aren’t attached to him anymore and the panic in his eyes as they put him in the body bag alive.
I’ve heard screams of a fear, I’ve heard pleading for mercy, I’ve heard the silent gurgle of a man's last desperate breath of air after his throat was cut.
A scream of pure agony from a father who just witnessed his son’s ******, the oddly comforting sound the body makes when it hits the ground after falling from the roof. I like watching them, I guess I have some morbid fascination with death.
Don’t get me wrong, I’d never hurt someone, that’s not what I'm saying, or maybe I could.
They just don’t affect me like they probably should, I’ve grown numb to the one thing designed to scare us; death.

I know I shouldn’t feel like this but I do
I am slowly falling in love with you
But you’ve got her and I got him
And the chances of something happening are really slim
I know I should cut you off, run and hideaway
But something about this makes me wanna stay

I’m sorry I’m so needy, you don’t have a clue
I’m sorry how I always seem to need you
I'm sorry for how tired I always look, I haven’t been sleeping well
I’ve been staying awake thinking about how I ended up in hell
I’m sorry that for my apologies and when your not mad I get confused
I’m so used to that me speaking my mind leads to being abused
I can’t explain the tear stains in my secret poetry book, but you can still read them if you’d like to
I’ve never before met a person quite like you
I can drink coffee with you and talk about how we don’t fit in here
I can even endure watching that movie about Shakespeare
My life isn’t the best right now, but I’m trying my best and I hope you can see that
We can talk about how I want a dog but you prefer a cat
I can tell you what I know about psychology
If you pinky swear you’ll tell me what you learned in criminology
You should see my reaction when I see a dog or a baby
And I’ll let you listen to my favorite songs by Slim Shady
I don’t know how to do anything right and have a hard time coping
So please don’t go, I know I’m broken

When we first met, you were a stranger
At first glance I knew my life was in danger
You know I would do it all again.
But I was honest and you played pretend
You switched up on me and everyone could see
That you lied and promised you would change for me
But I don’t know what I’m gonna do
Cause now I can see right through you
When we first met, you took my breath away
But I knew you would move on one day
We turned into something that we didn’t plan
Now you’re more distant than when it all began

Stay away from me, don’t come here
Roses wither when I come near
I’m living on the edge of a knife
And everything I touch turns to ice
I promised you, I next time won't go back to who I were before you came around
But you know it's in my blood and my hands are tightly bound  
And if I fall into the water and once again sink down
Walk away from me and let me drown

Youth
Young, reckless, wild, and free
That’s what I’m supposed to be
Parties, hangovers, and coming home late at night
That’s what they say youth is all about
Impatient, medicated, and losing my patience
Tired of being treated as another mentally insane cases
Take another pill, medicate the broken soul
Knowing **** well that I’ll never be whole

To be completely honest, you terrify me
You say you promise but that’s never a guarantee
I’ve been through this in the past many times before
And the red flags is something I no longer can ignore
When you look at me you see a stranger
But when I look back at you I see danger

Hush my pretty baby don't you cry
I see how hard you try
Baby, don't let those tears roll down
I know you are hurting, but you are not alone
Darling, imma stick it through
There isn't anything I wouldn't do for you
We're crazy baby, nobody knows our monsters
So we keep them a secret, we're the true mobsters
Hush my pretty darling don't feel no pain
I'm right here, i know you're insane

Oh, love,
Look at that face
Looks like you are sent from above
I suddenly saw all those stars in space
Oh dear let me in
Where have you been
Never believed in angels until I saw your eyes
I only want you, not any of them other guys
To you, I'll be loyal
Baby I know we’ll never be royal
Diamonds and rubies are not our things
Baby let’s keep it simple, put on that ring
But together we’re worth more than gold
Close your eyes, the world outside is cold
People talk, try to destroy
But we got something that they don't have
My lover boy

I want to say “goodbye”
But I can’t watch you leave

I want to say “I need you”
But you wouldn’t believe me

I want to say “I love you”
But you won’t understand

I want to say “let me go”
But you hold on to my hand