i can do it
                       i can undo it

this aloneness has gone so far i can't even conceptualize it anymore
this dark matter
what happens when you shine a light
beyond the event horizon?
what happens when you touch me

i can't even imagine
it having any place to land

i feel my mouth in my soul
muscles in my cheeks
teeth, cosmic, prophetic
they'll outlast me

The smell of childhood ***
creeps out with the morning
like rays of light through the trees, the scattered pupils watch
Talking through the fence

All this summer makes me sick
memories of my hometown
and the ant colony men
who've been alone for too long
and only look for ways
to spread their disease

there's a head in every window
peaking through the blinds
and there's a man on every street
to follow you at night

there's a chip in your computer
and a dagger in your heart
and they're working side by side
to drag the guts into your art

every day I change the street I walk
every day I change town

but there are always tinted windows

and they are always slowing down

the blood on the pavement never seems to dry
that is my nectar
i'll drink for eternity

I am not a sweetheart,
my soul is dark and muddy
I'm tired of people seeing
a me that isn't me
I'm tired of making friends
who for years might love the show
never understanding,
nor do they wish to know.

all i have are hard won lessons
but you dont believe in those

strength
in the morning
every hour minute moment
when despair takes its hold and every
word thought sight reminds you
of everything you've lost but
despair is useless and
despair won't get you through

The horror streaks down from the bathroom walls &
Into the basement where we’d lay for the following weeks
I could not get the smell out of my brain,
Eucalyptus and spearmint and
The bloating pieces of your body soaking up the leaky sink
Skin beginning to soften and swell and bruise
The staircase leads me to a room of shadow
Where every other crevice hides a little spider
Who is too shy to crawl about and too sad to spin its web
I can’t stop seeing it reliving it there are no
Metaphors to capture this grief

There is no time, either

So with an hour two I have to pack my life away
And if it can’t fit into this backpack, it might as well
Have never mattered, or existed at all
It’s like they’re beating it into my head,
“She’s dead, she’s dead”
I leave the house with an empty bag
She’s dead, she’s dead

My grandmother’s guest room, my father’s guest room
I can’t get the decency of a living room couch
But it doesn’t matter, if I’m not alone
Maybe I am alone
I’m the only one in this room
What the ****
What the **** is poetry when you’re dead

So we’re getting up again, pulling some clothes from my bag
Don’t need these pants, don’t need that shirt,
I have enough socks to last
I don’t need anything that I can’t fit underneath the seat
On the airplane back to New York
So we’re going again
Let’s just go.
It’s another day at this point.

But am I on the plane or am I
Back in the kitchen
Watching her spurt her poisonous spit all over the hardwood
Violent spasms and slams and ****** fluids flushing in large,
Bellowing waves, struggling to find any shore
I am so far away from everyone that I know
The plane lands
I find my next gate

There are songs I’ve loved all my life
That I’ve tried to apply many meanings to
Something I could imagine and manifest
And sing and sing and dream and
Lie awake wondering if I could ever be
In their position, even as I lie
Feeling the exact same thing
Through the music, I feel everything
Completely, for the first time
Now that I am old,
The tune is merely familiar
It is the air that I breathe
The cause for my sobs and terrors
The creation of my sorrow heart’s tomb
Has become my morning coffee
The taste a bit bitter, the cup a bit small
Nothing that couldn’t be fixed
By a bit of cream

Another plane lands
I realize I’ve lost my luggage,
Send a text to my dad
Who believes this has everything to do
With my plan to pay off student loans
Or more so, that I might have the audacity
Of asking him to buy me a meal, every now and then.
It’s alright, that wasn’t part of the contract
I feel silly for forgetting
My phone battery dies, and the screen goes blank

I am a ghost to everyone
Can’t you feel me slipping away?

Everyone that I’ve known
I could be gone to them forever

I arrive in New York
I make it home
But I know better, I know what happens next
I haven’t slept in weeks but I’m in a dream
I’m in New York, but I’m in the bathroom
Watching the ooze,
Smelling the gore
All the different ways a set of fingers can twitch
Before they lose their ***** and stop forever
Blonde hair on the floor
Cold, hard skin
Softening once again, in the pools of this memory
I can’t escape you, I can’t find the exit
The doors to this house are all imaginary
It’s been so long
Time hasn’t passed at all

But I am in New York,
Somehow

That’s right, I remember it now.
I learned my lesson, I’ve done it all before
This memory is going to stay
But I am the one to leave
Over and over
And over
It’s gonna be this way forever, I’m sure

There isn’t a way to avoid it,
Go around or under it
You just have to leave
You just have to keep leaving

So I enter the doorway
Get dinner
I sleep on the bare mattress,
I don’t ever,
ever,
unpack my bags.

i love the city, there are
so many more: lights, and
people looking to ****

it wasnt that
animalistic, choking
raw death that read about
and call the hard, real truth
it was unearthly,
it was paranormal
like a demon holding her
up by the throat
and slamming her down
twisting her limbs
and trying to escape from her insides
it was
a horror scene
but more cold
more violent
there was no reason
for it to happen that way
at that time in the morning
i can still hear it
i can still see it
i can still smell it
i am bending over her as we speak

object in the sky
we are witnessing the end of the world
we are witnessing our collapse
we are partaking in the final joyride of earth
a couple more swings around the sun
before we're done

i hate the flesh
the way it splits
squishes splats its
seafoamy decay
over the bulbous form
bone and meat of the
body

i hate the yellow rot
and purple blood
and oyster tongue and
other organs spilling out
its desperate escape
from that desolate
hole of a tomb

My understanding of the universe and death and life have come to a standstill.
It seemed before I had a solid grasp.
It isn't as if I'm blown away now or know something I didn't before
but the brutality of it all
Suddenly I wish it weren't so
I know my mother is gone,
but I wish there was a heaven
I know she died on the floor
but I wish she felt us in that room
I know that I can die on the plane
but I feel now that I am obligated to live
Death is random
and death has demonstrated that
and yet now it's hard for me to accept
that I can't just change that
moving forward
I understood it
I got it
I accepted it
and yet now
I just wish it weren't so.

I was born from the dark
and to the dark I shall return



when i see leaves
flicker in the sun
i know i'm home




I've always known
i wasn't from this world
my home is the cosmos
my body is the cosmos
in the cosmos i belong
all of my matter
scattered and uneternal


i want to thank you, universe
look what you created
look what you can do
this strange breath of life of earth
what a beautiful life its been

i think you always knew
how we would self implode
how we would suffer
in between meals and laughs
what a miracle
i have come from
what a miracle
it could last this long
i am sorry
we cut it so short

sometimes i want you
to soak in my absence
but sometimes i want to die
just for me, too

i want the wind to
******* away roll me
into the ground where
i could lay for the rest
of my biodegradation
melt into bits and streams
and pools of nothing
forever

flesh and information
cheeks and veins and
meat plump from
consumption
until it becomes
the consumed