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Jul 2022 · 290
dna
winter Jul 2022
dna
flesh and information
cheeks and veins and
meat plump from
consumption
until it becomes
the consumed
Jul 2022 · 203
Untitled
winter Jul 2022
suicide is
  sobering
death is
  sobriety
Jun 2022 · 157
death of the stars
winter Jun 2022
do stars cry when they meet their deaths?
do they panic
in disorder, claw and
resist, tear, scratch do they
see it coming, the same way
we do? do they simply
accept their fate? is it
the work of gravity
or perhaps is it the
work of friction,  their way
of fighting back, the great
language of physics which
dances itself to sleep?
have they born this language,
and are we merely a
reflection of cosmic
despair in one pulsing
womb? a heartbeat which howls
into the dark free fall
of nothing forever
I look to these earthly
bodies which anguish and
suffer at every end
and I wonder if we
truly were meant for this
If such pain is fated
in the realms of physics
celestial bodies
representing ourselves
at every level of
calamity. do we
sleep all through the orbit,
do we love with every
breath?
when our bodies form
the stars, do we cry upon
our death?
Jun 2022 · 86
little body
winter Jun 2022
how can this
little body
have so much to say
just a
small little thing
trying so hard to
change the world
no power
no force
no rallying cry
no car nor army
nothing of influence nor traction
just a pen
just a dream
as they will
from their basement
Jun 2022 · 204
Untitled
winter Jun 2022
to die before my
music gets heard
to sing and yet
no one could know
the words of my song
that is the life
that is a life
Jun 2022 · 259
Untitled
winter Jun 2022
i dont belong anywhere
i need to go
Jun 2022 · 137
final dance
winter Jun 2022
I was never a good dancer
so when you danced with me
I let you lead
I let you dip and twirl me
Uplift and unfurl me
And I never questioned,
never opposed

I was never a good dancer
but I wanted to dance with you
So I took classes
tap, hiphop, contemporary, ballet
years of unfinished lessons,
our own private sessions
seasons after season,
repeating your steps until I slept
at night

I was never a good dancer
but for as long as I remember
and for as long as I'll live
you can catch me trying to master
your movement, and your song
practicing and repeating and
studying and sweating and
losing sleep and losing years of
my life and losing
my Life

I was never a good dancer
but this is your dance
and sooner or later, we'll all
get it right
we'll reach our demise as we
waltz through the night
and I'll be waiting for you
on the balcony

dreaming,
praying
that you'll dance with me
that I'll get it right
even if I was never
a good dancer
the truth is
I could master it in moments
I could ask for your hand
I could end it all with one

one more step
one more dance
all I wanted
was your dance
one final pas de deux
to end the night
to end the dream
the waking illusion
of my life
of life
to send me plummeting, finished
augmented and diminished
the lift never lands
the floorboards depressed

the world comes apart
and it puts me to rest.
or, a dance with death
Jun 2022 · 304
Untitled
winter Jun 2022
stagnant and still
longing for the thrash
the sort of craving that comes
from boredom, quiet, rash
delusions of suffering, and yet
the pain is true
Jun 2022 · 171
Untitled
winter Jun 2022
blunt blunt poetry
no rhythm no
meaning no
language thought-through only
heart only
soul
winter Jun 2022
just because I've won for all these years
doesnt mean i'll win tomorrow
doesn't mean i've got the upper hand
I've built a mountain of luck
for having a quick draw
but the thing I'm defeating
can never be killed
in fact, only i can
this is my insurance
that i'll be fighting until i die
the question becomes a matter of
will it be tomorrow?
and can i control that?
and
do i want to?
Jun 2022 · 282
Untitled
winter Jun 2022
fbi can watch me all they want but
all they'll find is
blue hair and pronouns
Jun 2022 · 111
Untitled
winter Jun 2022
no man is deep
as a woman's womb
trans women have metaphorical wombs btw. not trying to reduce to biology in this house
Jun 2022 · 76
lover
winter Jun 2022
death is a comfort
a childhood friend
it creeps from the horrors
of the dark of night
it weeps for me
curled up on the floor
pens and headphones
drawing their picture
giving them sound

death is a companion
a reminder that I am not alone,
that someone understands
that someone is there
to guide me, when it comes
whenever it comes
it gives me a hand to hold
a body to hug
lips to kiss
a shoulder to cry
it provides
me everything

death is a blanket
a cotton-blended cover
to warm ourselves and
hide our secret deeds
we whisper to each other
in the night, forbidden lovers
and revel cold hot stillness
a beating heart which calms
itself by your
touch

yes, death is a lover
and they've loved me longer
will love me forever
they have seen
everything that I have ever been
every tear that I have shed
every great bursting swell of emotion felt
they have seen it all
and still, they love
like nothing else on earth
like nothing else alive
nothing feels as much
nothing sees as much
nothing swallows and heaves and breathes of understanding as much as
the comfort the companion the blanket the lover
of death
and death
will love me
forever
Jun 2022 · 98
quantum
winter Jun 2022
my childish nightmares
have started to come to life
creeping around the corner,
down the stairway
dark endless rooms with no doors
to exit or enter
launched into nothing
by an impossible swing

the dark

as death waits outside the window i
can't help but feel it coming back to me
shadows beginning to dance
exactly like they used to
whisping and waltzing
but most of all
watching, waiting
reassuring me that the end is
quite familiar
the end is
a dream
of a long ago girl
so new to life
so close to death
having only spent as much time
as she ever could or will

death is a lot like how it was before you were born

i'm fortunate, in that
i have a good memory
i'm unfortunate, in that
i can remember the pain
the longing
being late to the party
being a whisperer of stars

being so

enveloped

in

the dark
Jun 2022 · 626
night terror
winter Jun 2022
as children we
look out at the world
with eyes so new and yet
so close were we
to the dark abyss
that hellfire crater
of consciousness

looking at the sun
for the first time
feeling the quick
fleeting flicker of life
before the dark creeps in,
familiar

it may be a nightmare
but it may be just a memory
an understanding of
what came before and
what will come after.
the spark is quick to fade
and the objects given form and
colored by light and pigment
fade with it into nothing
exactly as things
have always been
exactly how we
yearn
to remember
Jun 2022 · 500
Untitled
winter Jun 2022
please please please
don't comment on my poetry
with a quote from the bible
Jun 2022 · 79
Untitled
winter Jun 2022
My instagram
flows and flows
pictures and snapshots
at the top of a waterfall
ready for flight
raining down in full
relentless
I do not write when I am happy
I do not write when I am okay
I cannot capture security with words
I take pictures
Here is my cat,
Here is a latte,
Here are my friends,
Here is a cool tree
that reminded me of the one
that stood in the field
of my elementary school
That I cherished and loved
They cut that one down
I couldn't show you a picture
But this one looks quite like it,
don't you see?
And so they flow
Outweighing the scraps
of my written despairs
pouring like paint
to color my memory
of things
that are good
and things
that are okay
into the feeds
the scrolls of squares
they flow
Jun 2022 · 216
tw
winter Jun 2022
tw
everytime i think abt getting my next job i feel this wild overwhelming urge to kms
Jun 2022 · 188
Untitled
winter Jun 2022
i am getting to an age
where my suicide means
less and less
the question then becomes
will that help me
or make it worse?
May 2022 · 226
Untitled
winter May 2022
I miss my friends
It would be
so easy to see them
It could be
so easy to see them

but I am still here,
it seems
May 2022 · 98
Untitled
winter May 2022
i'll never be able to go through it
without ******* up
it's always me
May 2022 · 112
Untitled
winter May 2022
there is nothing
i can do
there is nothing
left for me
i could leave
right now
and not a thing
would change
May 2022 · 578
Untitled
winter May 2022
"you can tell me anything"
you want me to
confess to
the wrong crimes
May 2022 · 252
Untitled
winter May 2022
i'm bleeding on the blood moon
flowering all the same
its a shame
i had
to let you go this way
May 2022 · 100
Untitled
winter May 2022
my eyes are
the color of the earth
as seen
from far away
May 2022 · 79
the march
winter May 2022
I am crossing a threshold
walking home I felt
people in numbers
walking behind me
following the march
something is coming
something still on the way
I can feel it
Apr 2022 · 330
Untitled
winter Apr 2022
the mushroom council has deliberated
i think they think
its time to take me
Apr 2022 · 115
oil
winter Apr 2022
oil
an exorcist
mines in my brain like its digging for gold
ow that hurts mister
can i eat dinner now please
Apr 2022 · 127
Untitled
winter Apr 2022
oh to live a life with journey and
not these
microbial sparks
little waves that seem to spark through
like a cobweb soul
painting geometry i can hardly
understand
Apr 2022 · 115
prairie
winter Apr 2022
I miss you, prairie lands
Honey dew, grasses
Where have the fields gone
now erupted into hills
no more vastness only
full
where is the room for air
and where
are the puppies who burrow in the soil
and the big blue skies who's hand
pumps clouds like giant fists of love
where do they lay
but in my memory
Apr 2022 · 74
Untitled
winter Apr 2022
people look over crowds
the same way
they look over the hills
Apr 2022 · 112
Untitled
winter Apr 2022
I used to think of ancient people
as such ominous
all-knowing beings
in their footprints and their art
it was supreme,
it was transcending
they knew things about the universe
that i could never imagine
but theyre the same
as you and i
theyre just the same
Mar 2022 · 77
Untitled
winter Mar 2022
i was born with the knowledge of the universe
and in my life ive never been held
i burn like a star into my death
Mar 2022 · 63
Untitled
winter Mar 2022
i wish ppl from home could see this city.
i miss the ppl from home.
i wish ppl here were more kind.
i miss kind ppl.
ok gn
Mar 2022 · 165
Untitled
winter Mar 2022
why cant i cry
why cant i stop crying
why cant i cry
Mar 2022 · 64
Untitled
winter Mar 2022
moon, you are
my only love
when i remember
that soon we'll be one
that is when i
no longer fear death
Mar 2022 · 76
Untitled
winter Mar 2022
your worthless and terrible
an empty shell
who's walked this earth
for far too long
Mar 2022 · 125
Untitled
winter Mar 2022
i am the world's
younger sister
and older brother
Mar 2022 · 354
Untitled
winter Mar 2022
im not supposed
to be here
Mar 2022 · 102
Untitled
winter Mar 2022
everybody would have seen it coming
i've been waiting my whole life to die
Mar 2022 · 74
Untitled
winter Mar 2022
i guess im picturing my death again
this time it feels real
i can see the reactions
of those i love most
the timing seems perfect
its scary
Feb 2022 · 97
Untitled
winter Feb 2022
a lot of people see me
and decide they'd like to hurt me
maybe let me smile and laugh
until i'm cornered into that wall
they like how they tower over
they see my strength
and they want to test the limits
Feb 2022 · 79
Untitled
winter Feb 2022
having thoughts that make me go
aaa i need severe psychological help
Feb 2022 · 82
Untitled
winter Feb 2022
i wish i could apologize
without it being selfish
Feb 2022 · 430
Untitled
winter Feb 2022
if the days just keep on coming like this i might just have to actually give up 🤟
Feb 2022 · 80
sdsu
winter Feb 2022
Who are you?

I came to your new house when you cried
Your life was falling apart, I Saw.

When he died,
when everyone else left for the night
and you opened up to me
you were still searching for yourself
and nothing made sense
I heard you
I knew you

and when you slowly revealed so many bits and bits and bits
your mother and your father
your brother and your sister

your family your history the
day you showed up in braces, even though your teeth were already Perfect.
"they told me i have to be perfect."
you said.

in that moment, i knew you.

we drifted apart, of course,
mostly because i didnt belong there
but still, but still,
i did know you

but years have passed
i watched them pass you too
blue gowns and suede shoes
the entire lot of you
in one grand assembly line
all looking exactly the same

no, i didn't know any of them
and there was no trace of you

more time has passed
actually, i've traveled far away
i see y'all exclusively now in photos

but it scares me.
"kristi"
is in your eyes
i dont know what theyve done to you
or what youre doing
in that evil town
that steps over the people it buries

but i'm looking at you now
i've never seen anyone so
far
gone.

there is no trace of you
i can't even recognize you
your mother is in your face
your father is in your dress
those things i know,
because thats how i know you
but the rest isnt true

so who the hell are you?
to all of the girls who go to south dakota state university
Feb 2022 · 239
Untitled
winter Feb 2022
I climb this Ithaca hill and I am
much closer to the clouds
I am
aging with each step
growing younger
smaller
laughter flooding through me
like rain finally flowing
through the cycle
I can lift my head higher
reversing gravity's pull
which has weighed on me
for all these years
Another revelation
this time, it's Spring
winter Feb 2022
sometimes at my most suicidal
i get premonitions
and experience memories from the future
whether its months or years ahead
i get a sneak peak
that lets me know i'm not going to die soon
its disappointing now
relieving later
and scary
when i have no more visions
to look forward to
to still experience
Feb 2022 · 79
Untitled
winter Feb 2022
im just
2 cool i guess
Feb 2022 · 110
Untitled
winter Feb 2022
sometimes life is
going about your day
and then remembering
all the times your mom tried to **** herself
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