I’m sorry
that I leave
so many ghosts
behind me
every time
I try
to love.

I feel it creeping in
just under my skin;
It comes when
my thoughts are fuzzy
and the sky is dark.
It pulls tears from my eyes
and pours embers into my brain,
it whispers in my ear
and leaves a frozen knife
in my heart.
And it’s not until
I finally close my eyes
that I am safe.

This app that tracks
how my brain is feeling
asks me what emotion
is sitting in my chest -
I wish there was an option for
multiple feelings,
or all of the above.

No one can see
that I'm caught in between -
my body is in the present
while my soul is in the past.

I am being asked to love again,
and my love is being questioned —
It makes me want to rip
my heart out,
smash it against the earth
And declare it dead.

If I could stop time, I would,
right here, right now,
and wander this cold,
starry night.
I’d sit on a ledge
and ponder the end
before walking away
because I remembered.
I’d dip a toe in chilly waves
and try to keep demons at bay
as they try to drown me.
I’d head back home
to be safe and warm,
and remember that I don’t have
a home,
just a house with strangers
sleeping inside;
I don’t know my own life
anymore.
I’d look at the clock,
stuck at half past the dark 3 —
sigh,
and let time slide its way
through my skin
to drown me in
sorrow, regret, and anxiety.

Memories flicker in my mind,
fireflies always escaping my grasp.

I try to catch them,
keep them in a jar,

But they escape,
leaving me lost and alone.