There’s an attic where I can go to.
And through the window peeps a new beginning maybe.

But I’ll never really be ready.
So I close my eyes.
I got nothing left to lose but no freedom.
No reason to stay.

I need a taste of that world where I’m alive.
First it kills me everytime I drink from the cup of joy.

And my dead body lies on the attic.
But it’s brought back to life by a man.
He tells me that he has a surprise for me.
And it’s just outside…

Always that man, always that drink.
Always that body dead brought back.

The eyes don’t glow.
Not here.
Not anymore.

Because this world doesn’t feel right to me.
And there’s no glowing, just freezing.

Soul covered in darkness.
Face covered in make up.
Sound won't come through.
Hollow demon.

The cry is far away.
Sometimes calling on the Phone it's near.
But there's nothing I can do.
It all went too far.
Still as far as it had to.

Soul covered in a harness.
Face covered up with dirt.
Sound is an awful hellish scream.
Hollow world.

Maybe I don't know what I see.
Maybe.
Maybe I don't know what I see.

I feel something familiar.
Stronger than ever.
When it's really nescessary I don't feel you.

But my soul is covered.
My face is aged.
Not as old as my soul.
Hollow dark spot.

All my life I learned that I learned and that they learned and we learned so much!
Now it's too much!

I feel that it's just unfair.
Stronger than ever.
Maybe it's always gonna be unfair.

I want to write about the universe.
About how it's never ending.
About where we might go.
To where there's more creation in vibrant colours.

Or just dark holes to fill with sparkles.
No more quantum copy and paste.
True creation from within that can fly around.
I dive into it with wonder and find true love that never dies.

I cry as a creature all night.
Why won't you find me here?
Love that I can't reach.
Where should I go?

I want to write this to the universe.
Put it in a sparkling black and purple bottle, throw it in the endless waters.
Or send a ship with black sails and big old Vikings and I'll be hiding somewhere on their boat with them.
Sail off into the land we've never known.

Can we fall in love when we are dead?
I'm sure we can.
Even deeper.
Even heavier.

Without death.
Without decay.
True and pure.
Everyone is worth such love.

Divine us.
We are divine creatures.
We are Gods.
We feel our spirit.

We can fall in love inbetween worlds as well.
Enter that world with someone some day.
You are lucky, both very lucky when you can.
It takes great pain still to enter the inbetween.

It takes a life of strive and battle.
Being half alive,
Two bodies in the inbetween......
What a magical way to be. ✨🌙

I want to be away.
Take me away.
With you.
Let's sail off into the land we've never known.

Be my king.
Let me hold you.
Skin to skin and intertwined, redivined.
Us divine, us creatures, halfway into the universe.

Halfway still in a bed of sand.
On the ground.
The pieces that keep us around.
Around here for now.

Inbetween.

I'm breaking like glass in my eyes.
Red painful barriers and flickering sight.
How much longer till my body will have dry bones?
Zombie walking, alien clown.
I'm still travelling.

I can't push myself through the pressure.
If I do, I will definetely break my eye.
So I stay up staring.
Maybe I will just float away.
I'll pray for it as I push my fist against my chest.
Gently touching the parts that are still intact.
Hoping it will be worth it.
Let's stay in this trance.

Let's walk
Let's float.
I will go on and find you.
And everything else will find me.
Cause it has to push deep inside.
Tear me open.

I lost my ability to be grateful.
I have to remind myself constantly of the things that are ok.
I swore I’d never be fine after the pain, the horrific nights.
They were too much.
Life was too much, forcing my body into movement.
Constant movements without my will, my comfort.
This body, this world, it never felt right at all.
So why would I try to save this world?
Where are we when we are in this world anyway?
Aren’t there other worlds to go to?

And yes, what IS the alternative?
Better or worse right now?
Cause right now I’m in a better place.
I don’t know what the alternative is like.
I just lost the ability to be grateful most of the time.
And I’m not comfy.
That is valid even though I also need to know that there are things that are ok.
But that might be what’s keeping me here.
For even longer than I ever thought I would last.
So I’m rebelling.
But it’s not helping.
Not helping me or anybody.

24 hours.
It either feels good or bad.
So you're either running or sleeping.
24 hours to find out where this battle will end.
And if it will begin again soon.....

Allow me to take a very welcome long break.
I need space to be here for me.
And I'm declaring myself to be free from your pulling.
As long as you are unwilling to respect me, my truest feelings, my boundaries.
They run deep inside of me.

But I've found back myself and inner strength.
A save place and space for them where I can walk to.
Walking away.....
After 24 hours.
The battle ended with me taking my own path.
With a waterfall of tears and a free soul coming through.

24 hours and it's been decided.
It doesn't feel very nice to take the road all on my own once more.
But if it's what I need in the moment, I know there's only one way.
To go.

Nothing around you is working out.
But you're working every day.
Your children are both dying.
Husband's always working.
You're doing everything.

People are calling you with questions.
To which you're always giving the right answers.
But nobody sees you slowly turning numb from all the darkness.
You are not even screaming anymore.
Your voice now sounds so sore.

You know you carry the moon and sun at the same time for so long.
Everyday and every night.
You had to be the fire that was always on, full blasting burning.
Meanwhile your eldest kept on teaching you about the world and everything.

Your youngest had to be a warrior coming home with wounds you had to mend and bind.
No time for fun or just feeling good for such a long long time.

It still keeps going on and on.
You're waiting for the big turning, a place for settling and everything to be alright.
But these days are long gone, everything you have is now and you're trying the best you can all along.
No grandkids and no future.

But it's all just here in this horrible world, you see?
Look how far you've already come.
It's never been in vain.
You're right where you need to be.
And so are we.

Even though it hurts, you're doing well.
And it's been seen.
You're not alone.
Nothing will stay.
But our connection.
And all the battles we've gone through, still never giving in.
Fighting for what we know is right.

I believe in you.
This moment is now just for you, close your eyes and feel it, you deserve it.
And so much more.
It is still inside and always will be.
You are a universal mother.

I learned enough in this lifetime.
Yeah, I’m sure, this life that feels like a hundred times its time.
It’s time to fly.
But I’m so numb and sad, nothing left to do or lose.

But really nothing left that works.
And that’s ok, I guess.
Trusting fate because I still believe.
Not in God but in the universe, journeys going the way they’re supposed to.

But don’t you tell me I can’t drink alcohol.
I should’ve been dead if my journey wasn’t so long.
I should’ve been dead but fate…
That f*cking fate.

I don’t understand it but apparently  I still need to be inside this trap, I do feel trapped.
I’m trying my best.
But I’m never really free.
Just a little when the music and the beer will hit me just right.

Oh, fine.
Running with the rules, running through the lines, running on a treadmill.
A hundred times, a hundred lifes long!

I want to close my eyes black and white.
Shiny drops and blurry.
Beer at night, white lace on my dress.

Outside on the grass.
Looking down.
Where are you, where’s the music?

My hair is down and so am I.
My eyes are a mess and so am I.

I close my eyes and run.
I close my eyes and dance.
I close my eyes and dream.

Wish I could sleep.
With you next to me.
For the rest of my life.

My mind wondering off far.
My body at ease.
Carried by love.

All of what I am here buried in this world still now.
I want my body buried…
I’ll be running towards foggy fields.

This energy.
Created by this world.
And me, my life, my body, my mind.

It’s going to stay and it’s going.
Like shiny drops and blurry sight, beer at night.
And lace.

Lying outside on the grass.
With you.
And the music.

I’m late but I need to take my time.
Nothing goes smoothly.
Because I’m late and because of needing time.
Time to take it easy today.
Not pressuring myself even though I’m not getting where I want to be.
Trying to accept that…

I want much more.
I want to be at a messy party.
Small black dress, dark smudgy eyelids, stones on my neck, wild hair and face.
I’m not that “it-girl” that everybody follows because of her artsy aesthetic.
Perfectly captured, dusky old scene, old looking places.
Young, skinny, bold, dreamy eyes, stained lips smile.

Playing the right music.
Playing in some apartments with silly unmatched objects inside.
Always “out of it”.
Always seeming unbothered.
Or passionately craving, emotionally unstable.

Am I too late?
Am I too bothered, captured by the grasps of this world?
Too much to untangle…
I can have my moments of freedom.
But to get there I’m too late a lot.
I need time.
But I’m late already, always.

I wish the days were like the mornings where I see you waking smiling.
When I come lying beside you.
After enough sleeping.
To be cuddling. A little longer..... Never long enough.
I miss the nights when we prepare dinner, play music, drinking Irish coffee.
A little dancing.
Clothes come off and on again.
My dark eye make up.
Smudged.
Love, always feeling loved.

Just enough energy to be happy.
But most days I wake up too early, sleep too late.
There’s no way of resting.
Noises and stress, an uncomfy mess.
Stiff and tired.
Cramped and trying.
Nothing’s working.

I want to be dreaming even though life’s but a dream.
More like a nightmare, a night terror.
Voilent, never silent, never peaceful, full of conflict.
But I can’t leave you there lying alone.
I cannot leave this dream now that you know what if feels like when I don’t let go.
I didn’t want to let you go.
And I couldn’t.

But I’m broken now.
Completely broken.
And I think the terrors are old news but they keep happening here still.
So I’m waiting and walking in a dream for you to come in and say: let’s make a morning today.
Let’s make a day like the morning of cuddling.      
The day should be a little dreamy and still we’re fighting through each battle that comes our way.

You put it right in front of me.
So I will always know that it's there.
Maybe some day, some time I'll get to have it so I keep waiting.
Getting prepared for what's never going on.

I thought feeling lonely and sufferig all by myself was hard and unfair enough.
Untill you came along.
Just to always tell me something to hold on to.
To let me know that there's a deep connection.

You tel me at night that you might be coming to see me when you're ready.
But you either don't come at all or you just have a sip from my cup and go.
I know why it can't be different, we can't get caught.

But this is worse than lonelyness.
Getting prepared for nothing after years of feeling alone.
Tension without release.
Not being able to give up again.
Life always plays these tricks on me.

Can I let go of you and let go of this game?
I want to see what will come out of it.
But I can't live here waiting.
Not being ready wouldn't feel right to me either.
Cause I'm a mess that needs some fixing.

But fixing takes times and energy.
Which I'm giving now for nothing.
Let me go then if you can't come.
Or maybe accept the mess that I am.
But I can't always accept it when I want this one moment of freedom, one moment that's right.

I always do anything for these moments.
Sometimes I wonder why.
Is it even worth it anymore?
Hurting myself like that when my body feels exhausted, stiff, tired, out of it, completely lost.
Then just leave me in my space and get out of it!

You just leave me feeling so sad and disappointed.
Unsatisfied as can be.
Worse than lonely.
And you're not even to blame.
No one is to blame, life plays these games on you and me.
I was already falling apart.
Now my heart is too.
Worse than ever.

Put it in front of my face.
Like a spirit world that I can't go to.
Let me go.
Don't hold me prisoner.
All my life.
An unfair game.
A broken toy.
In pieces.

Then don't let me see it.
Let me sleep.
Forever.
Be comfortable and not pressured, prepared.
Let me sleep and let go.
Let me go in peace.

Blurry browny.
A deep tone.
Trying to die.
Not thinking about death.
A deep brown tone.
Creamy filling.
Very heavy.
Not thinking about eating.
A thick brown tasty coffee flavoured filling.
Brown layering.
Chocolate kiss.
Not listening to the deep tone.
Very smudgy.
Licking thick cream.
Blurry browny.
Not seeing everything but only feeling.
Nice tasty intense.
Deep brown.
Chocolate filling.

Waking up but still in a coma.
Stumbling after drinking, still aware but laughing.
The music changes my mood but mostly at night.
I’m toxic inside.
Resentful towards life.

But also just rebelling.
I’m not angry usually, just not comfy.
Just so tired.
Who isn’t?
But I’ve been tired for so long now.
Even before I started waking.
Up from my coma, still in a coma.

Even before the world would notice that everybody’s tired.
And this world is just a mess.

But we are all trying our best but we have been putting all the blame on others.
When it was nobody’s fault.
What a mess.
No one’s to blame cause there’s a reason and a journey and generations and religion.
Different eras that should be outgrown.
Stop the nonsense, be your truth, that’s what I learned.

I’m a sea in the wind and you are my ray of sunlight.
I can be on my own.
Free and wild.
But I don’t feel the warmth of a loving light that I can reflect.

I choose to feel you when I can.
Even when it’s causing lightning.
Or when your rays are painfully sharp to my eyes.
Then I’ll still keep on trying to find a way to let my waves run wild with your light shining through.

Just like you always seem to find me through the clouds.
You wait for me and then come out again. Without you I am a cold wild sea.
With you I’m reflecting sunrays.

And the colours are sparkling in the wind. Sometimes painfully blinding.
But always warm and always more interesting, more beautiful, more meaningful, intensely shining.
Like it’s not when you’re not around.
So let me reflect your light even though I’m salty, wild and heavy.
I let you be in your full glory still.

We will find a way to make it happen.
Even though it stings, it hits so hard, it hurts like waves of despair.
I want your light in my water, through my dark blue waves.

From the white foam with its colours all the way down to the sand.
There will be beauty and nasty monsters in the  deepest parts of my ocean.
You won’t always be able to fully see them and they can’t catch you too well.

They will be there still but that doesn’t keep me from reaching out to you there in the sky. Cause the feeling that you give me makes me come to life sometimes.
Be my shining light.
Even when there’s only rainstorms and we are far apart.
Even when I’m so wild for a while, I’ll still try to be there with you. To reflect your loving light and let the colours sparkle.

The foamy colours come through and it’s all because of the beauty of your light and my wild reflecting waves that go so deep.
Deeper than anybody could ever see.
And you are so high, so warm and bright, not everybody can reach you.
You are a ray of light above the sea.

Not everybody can reach you but your beauty is clear to see by many.
So keep shining even when I’m dying and the sand is drying.
Nothing stays the same forever.
Like the waves of a wild sea like me and the colours of your light.

Changing clothes 3 times a day before it’s comfy.
Comfy if I’m lucky.
After exercising and stretching for my back and body shape.
And calming down for half an hour.

My routine.
If I don’t cry it went ok.
If I don’t do it I feel sick and stay in my bathrobe.…

I shake, I’m cold and so uncomfortable.
After I’ve gone through this I should feel better.
But if I want to put on makeup and it’s not going well I get too frustrated and tired.
But I pick my skin, I can’t stop it.
Most of the time.

So I want to cover it and look the way I want to.
I know it could be worse, my face.
But I want to express myself with how I look.
It helps a lot to feel more comfortable in my own skin.
I leave it when I can because the days are never easy.

OCD, overwhelming, needing things to be in a certain way, anticipation etc.
My life has been so heavy.
I feel old, it’s ok, also a child, it’s ok, it’s all ok.
But I still want to die.
Most of the time.
It’s ok I guess…
I’m trying to be ok, to relax and be accepting of everything.

Even grateful for the things that are going well.
Of course.
And I am grateful but it usually doesn’t really bring me joy, just relief.

Just let me cry now.
I don’t like life, my head, my body, my bad feelings, the noises, the absolute discomfort.
Let me cry, cry, cry.
And then hopefully make it ok.

One more time again.
Again and again.
Before I die.

And then I’ll go and do my own way completely.
I promise.
No compromise, no listening to, not even trusting in anything.

Anything but my intuition, my feeling.
That feeling I am needing.
Needing so so bad.
So bad it makes me want to cry.
And die.

Call me and say you're sorry, please.
But this can never happen again.
So I should not wish for that.
Cause it's not something that will change immediately.
Something in me wishes: maybe.
But that must be an illusion.
I can't just fix your issues like that.
Even if I kept a close eye.

It's your way of living, your way of dealing with the pain.
The pain you don't deserve.
Causing me pain when you deal with it in a toxic way.
Pain I don't deserve.
I already needed a warrior for my horrible fights but you are wounded too.

Sometimes it works, when the music fills me and I can give you all the love I feel.
Or you give your love to me cause for you it comes so easily.
You really are so loving and giving.
Although admitting defeat is not at all an easy thing for you to do.
Even though you're already perfect in every way and in this world you make mistakes.
It's all part of this Matrix, you see?

But you don't want to see, especially when you bring yourself into a toxic form of serenity.
Listen to that music and feel the loving touch, you may want to try it instead.
Maybe I am just too much with everything else going on.
That is where it hurts the most, that you don't dare to give yourself completely.
Because I can't give myself to life.

I always go so deep or high, never just on the ground, the ground can't hold my heaviness inside.
That heavy feeling or a bursting, never leaving, always exploding.
It's hard when it keeps pushing, when you keep pushing.
I should be running.

But there's no direction in the end as long as I'm here in this world.
I want to fly, dive into the ground, take you with me and turn everything around.
Upside down and rolling over, maybe visit and old place again.
See how everything has changed now so we have something to smile about.

Some things don't change or don't change for the better.
I am more tired than ever now.
But still a warrior although very much in pain all the time.
Just trying to make it to see what's coming.

But what if there's no reason to be a warrior anymore?
You just start wandering without any purpose.
You've done the travelling, you've seen and heard all about most things in life.
You're just walking around the finish line hoping for a way to cross or to fall into a rabbit hole.

Anything that takes you out that's quick and fast.
Oh please let me see a way like that some day soon.
I'll be going gladly and not with so much misery.
Cause some things don't change and leaving this world voluntarily without help is the worst.
To me.
But I either need to live a life or not.
Cause it's no way of being or to be loved when you're wandering and waiting to leave everything.
And be free of this world forever so all of these horrible things will be over.

Tomorrow a new part of my life starts.
And I don't know when it will end.
I'm just gonna do what I have to do.
And everything else can *******.

I keep adjusting things.
Some moments I feel like I'm really living.
Improving things and learning also feels necessary.
But it keeps going on and on.

There will never be a moment where everything is finished.
Only one thing is certain, everybody dies.
I keep on finishing things.
As long as I have to live this life.

Only when I'm possitive it's time to leave for real I can let go completely.
Then the music will play and it will take a while but I can get through this state.
A state of letting go and going through the layers.
Above this world, above all different places where one can believe to go or be.

Or the curve of going back to earth.
I'll break that forever for me as well.
Although a friend once told me: everything can be reborn.
I wouldn't want to, not in here.

I will not sign a contract, I will not believe a story if it doesn't feel completely right.
Freedom is the key and so is me, I am the key to my own freedom.
I get to decide.
And the time you and I have spent will never be in vain.

We'll meet again as well.
If we both want to we will.
Like we are together now because we want to.
Like I want to finish things and you want to prove that you can do anything.

But let me tell you a secret: You CAN do anything!
You already have and you will.
Always living in or outside the norm.
Maybe you are too good at living.

I am not good at living but I'm too good at surviving.
Always feeling like hell.
Trying to adjust.
And in the meantime I'm finishing things.

And inbetween all these things there is love between us.
Everlasting like we say.
Because it's true.
We will meet again and again and again...... Always

It was 05:55 am.
I called my mom.

I didn't know what Sharvi meant.
Until I Googled it.

5 is its lucky number.
And it has something to do with Aquarius, my zodiac.

It's time though I can't.
But I can't go on.

Latest nickname.
Latest poem.

My mom's name is Ingrid.
She's a spirit just like us.

But in her it shows now cause she knows everything there is to know.
About life and death.

Sorry, this is one of my worst poems but I'm not in a good headspace cause I'm going away.
I hope to find a place like my dreams.

My dreams where I could never stay, was always ripped away from.
But my mom was there this time.

Because of her I can do everything.
Because of my sister I could live.

Because of my dad I could do any challenging thing.
Because of my grandma I could get through the failed suicides.

So they are amazing.
Not just for that but for that they are my heroes.

Please never forget them.
Their deeds.

They need to be acknowledged.
For me.

Too busy outside.
Too busy inside.
It’s not much fun to live in this world.
It used to be at least interesting, every morning something new.
Now I just hope for peace.
Being able to do the things that I had planned. But more things start coming in.
The night was not long enough.

Getting up, trying to manage through the day.
Planning for the end.
Trying to exist.
Nothing matters, I don’t care, just some things matter like the people and stuff I leave behind.
When I’m gone and when I’m ready.
When I love and when I’m free, forever I demand.
This is not my place to be so it’s a prison.

Many lessons.
Developments.
Is it for the collective or just me?
I’m a part of everything so it’s never disconnected, but it’s my journey.
Fitted for me.
And I have to get through it.
Accept it, sometimes not accept it, sometimes love something.
But hating most.

Too busy outside, noise.
Too busy inside, stuff to do.
Places to be or not to be.
They used to be opportunities mostly, what can I do, where can I go?

I still try but my path has become so narrow.
It’s even hard to walk at all, every step takes time and courage.
And I don’t like it.
I’m so over it.
The path is long and narrow, it’s my fate.

Everybody that I see during the day has been through a night.
How light or how dark is your day and how was the night, are you alright?

The sun burns on my face and I keep going.
Up and down, so far up and so very deep deep deep down low.
But both feel equaly wrong!

I can’t give up on giving up.
I can’t give up fully either.
Forcing my body into every different direction to see how it feels.

How it works, how it doesn’t work.
How it never ever works over (here and  over) there.
But hay, I’m still here!

And how’s your day?
How did you go through the night?
Do you quite like it around here?

Or are you sick and tired or literally ill?
And then still trying hard to hang on.
How far are you willing to go, how long?

Another spring is in the air.
It came so unexpected for me.
Don’t know if I’m ready, don’t feel like it.

But it’s coming anyway.
Everybody, it’s coming after the winter.
Like the day after the night.

The people that I see during the day have all been through another night.
Or maybe some are still in it?
The day will come again anyway some day.

Small soft light pink little flowers,
on a background of black demp stones with sand and water.
I’m aching but still walking.
I do not ever want to lose you.

It is torture, it is pleasure.
This way I can’t live.
With you I’m stuck in the day.
But at night I’m finally free.
Free from this world.

Totally gone.
In a dance, a movement, a moment.
Holding on to that.
When the day is not mine and nothing feels right, stuck in here waiting.
Waiting, biting, burning & bursting in agony.

My hands wrapped around my chest.
Biting on the steel in my mouth.
Why do I continue?
Just for the moments when I can escape.
Into a garden of small soft pink little flowers.
On a background of black demp stones with sand and water.

Water me!
Let me drink purity and let me lie down in the stream of the dark water.
Peacefully.
Water the soft pink flowers, I know they will never die.

The stream is always running.
My screams are always coming from the deep depths of life.
On the inside.
I don’t want to be inside this life, this world.
When I’m not escaping.
When I’m only waiting in a day that’s not mine.

When nothing’s alright.
It’s a torture & it’s a pleasure.
This way I can’t live.
With you I’m stuck in the day.
But at night I’m finally free.

Let me feel free, running down the stream.
Letting it all come.
Lying in here all calm.
Calm, come with me.

And I want to escape in a dance.
In the world that I choose.
That I feel.
That feels me.
I want you here.
I do not ever want to lose you but I need to be in that world that I choose.

I hope to create a dreamworld today.
Cause I wasn’t allowed to dream last night/morning.
A new year is coming.....

The December month is over.
We all made it through a year of torture, sadness and love.
Bless you all from the universe.
The mothers that hold you in the silence.
Their energy is divine like yours in your pain!

I wish for dreamworlds for us all:
Better places with people that can feel like we do.
Instead of disappointments, torturing agony/exhaustion/ fighting and needing too many sleep meds....

I wish for love to be spreading and to feel like we want to.
To be free from rules and aggression.
Have something to fight for.
Fight with passion, great energy and love for everybody!

Things are coming together, always.
But you have to have a lot of patience.
In this world nothing happens on its own.
Nothing happens without effort.
Especially when your mind suffers.
Compassion for yourself and others can be a key to reach your true potential.
And your goal.
But it’s hard to know exactly where it all will lead to.
One goal after another.

Life and death.
Words that we use.
A human life.
And dead body.
A plant, an animal, a creature.
Nature.
Human experience.
Experiencing dying, near death, loss, watching death/dying.
Saving life, killing.
It’s not so precious when you’re suffering constantly, don’t save me!
When I’m trying to survive I need the option to die.
But there’s no “right way to die”.
When it’s your time then you’ll leave.
Maybe that’s the only “right way”.
And maybe I won’t leave the way I would like.
I can only see it as an option which it is.
But I don’t think you should just act in crisis.
That’s not the time.
But it happens, just like other deaths that feel useless.
But it’s a journey that ends.

Looking at your younger self from a viewer’s perspective.
You’re not in the middle of it.
You see everything.
You know everything that was going on.
And it’s good you couldn’t see everything like that back then.
You still couldn’t deal with it but at least you didn’t see everything as the big picture that you see today.

You said you'd be my Godfather.
But I'll be your personal little guiding mother.
I know you've never met somebody like me before ever.
And I'm only here to love you, open you up and get you ready.
Meanwhile I'd love the process, the moments.
And I'm free.
Tortured but free.
Loving harder than the pain.
Taking your pain away through touching you.
Showing you a different way through guiding you.

Having an impact on that part of the universe.
Just like you touch and impact my spirit so much around here and beyond.
It goes deeper than this place.
So don't just reach for the old teaching and the rules inside here.
Let me show you the way beyond Jesus and all these great preachers and teachers.
They're alright but it's all still within the rules of this place.
So let me show you these different places now, it'll get crazy but you won't because you're ready.
I'll show you where we both can go to, let go.
Be wild, crazy and free, ancient pagan natural.
Spiritual, divine, part of everything, inside our own world and creations.

All these different options I see.
They are just there everywhere all the time.
Time is relative.
Be creative with it.
Intensely loving the moment.
Intensely loving inside it.
Inside you, I'll guide you.
Just watch me.
You can do it too, do it with me.
Do it with me.

Always doing that job that I want to do even more after my work around here is done.
Let me, I'll trust the process.
But I'll still be rebellious me, always.
Meanwhile I love you, so special what you do to me.
But my brother doesn't like it.
My spirit brother's disappointed.
It hurts a lot to see that I have to let him down sometimes, not go with him everytime.
But I can only live from moment to moment.
I love him but it's been in me all the time to fight hard for these greater outcomes.

Intense missions.
Intense intensions.
Great moments.
Great gates opened wide perspectives.
Intense kisses.
Opening up spirit.
Toughing, feeling it.
Finally pushing through because I need to.
Because I can, it's my job, my mission.
Be the show that shows you everything I got to show.
Different directions.
Different dimensions.
Intense moments....

Godfather, let me entertain you.
Like money will never do.
Let me kiss you and push through all of your boundaries, your build up worries
You told me stories of the beast inside you.
Hold me like you'd hold these women that still see you as a beast.
Heal me, heal you, heal them hopefully too eventually.
Through my pain, I'll heal your pain, through your pain I'll open you, I'll love you.
I'll have a new mission to enjoy the outcome of.
As long as I'm still around.
Unable to really live, love, be alive.
Let me guide.

My mind is a cracked glass.
Strong with cracks.
Don’t use pressure or it breaks.
There will always be cracks.
And you can’t pour from an empty cup with cracks.

Shattered glass.
I’m a snow globe inside.
I’m trapped in a house that’s dark.
With many rooms and stairs and hiding spots.
I go there often in my dreams.
There are visitors a lot.

Sometimes I walk outside.
I’m on the road leaving the house.
I go to many places.
I meet so many people.
Familiar and new.

My heart is so bold and dark in my dreams.
It can handle any situation.
So many adventures I go through.
Sometimes it’s with the people I know when I’m awake.
Sometimes strangers….

But I can wake up screaming softly because I’m back in my cracked mind.
Cracked world.
In a dark house in a snow globe.
With much less room.
Less room than the one from my dreams.

⭐️🌙💫✨

You deserve a fighter.
For all that you give.
I know I am one.
You and I, we give what we can.
Some days I’m too weak to do much at all.
Survival is even a task that seems too much to ask.
Other days I got enough strength left to build something new, alone or together.
With you.
But you are the reason I’m still standing.
Or crawling if I have to, bursting from pain.
Pain that never goes away.
It runs through my family and me.
We can all only do our best.
You were made to be a hero.
I was made to fight a never ending war.
It only teaches lessons, makes us understand things.
Makes us see every side.
Every side there is to life and hopefully we’ll use it.
The growth and knowledge.
We know what it is like to fight, you and I.
Now you’re in my war.
A respectable soldier,
a clever brave fighter.
My reason to keep going.
There’s still a mission.
I’m crying cause I can’t escape.
We drag each other through the mud.
Just to come out alive, just to watch the war continue.
With the music playing.

I can see in the dark.
And it hurts my head.
I close my eyes but still see the light.
I don’t want to see it, I’m aching, so exhausted.
Everyday there’s something wrong and every night there’s something keeping me up.
The dreams are not vivid.
The people in it are invisible.

It gets old to be here.
Everything gets old.
Feels old.
Not in a good old way but lame, unexciting, uninteresting.
I’ve heard it all before, I’ve seen enough.
I want to be new, feel new, everything.
Sparkling, alive.

I see in the dark, distracting.
It hurts.
I need that light off if there’s nothing good.
To see.
To feel.
To be.
Where the dreams are not vivid.
Not feeling much, only unpleasant.

I ask you how you feel, you mention the weather, always the weather.
My body feels so heavy, I feel exhausted and everything gets too much.
But people talk about the weather, it's either the cause or the solution.
I go for a long walk every day.
I don't care about the weather at all.
I don't want to hear about the weather when I ask you how you feel anymore.
Tell me something real.
Is it really just the weather?

When everyday is such a struggle and you aren’t even happy but you dream….
Dream about living when you’re asleep. With good people around you.
And you don’t have to tell yourself anything to calm down.
Because everything is just happening without you having to suffer so much.
It just happens, you’re just there for the experience.
That’s what waking life should be too.

But sometimes the OCD will enter the dream.
And you still fight like while you’re awake.
Or you stress out because you have to go to class.
Even though you don’t go to school anymore.
Not at your waking state.
But these moments come and go.
And as long as the OCD doesn’t wake you up with thoughts it should be ok.

It’s better than the suffering while awake.
Cause it doesn’t work for you and you feel so bad about it.
It gets too much and you get stuck.
You don’t get stuck in dreams.
You float from one moment to the next.
But will you remember people and experiences if you would only ever dream?
Dreams are not like leaving the body completely, you just have a part of your brain shut down for a moment.

You can remember dreams.
Some details.
A lot of the time you remember the feeling.
A very true type of feeling that you can’t quite feel while awake.
So when everyday is a struggle you can dream free and be happy.

All you can do is try with what you’ve got.
Sorrow can be all you know.
A part of you, a part of your life, a life that has exhausted your all.
Freedom can still happen.
But not real happiness generally.
Just a moment where you feel good in a song or with someone.

Confusing cause: “hay, everything is supposed to **** in here”!
But darkness has beauty and light is too bright.
You found a way towards “good darkness”.
And now that you’ve actually found a good person without just darkness…
Can you handle it?
It doesn’t really fit with anything of your being.
Yet it’s so comfortable, yet it’s so real.

And you are allowed to be your own darkness and they will be them in their warmth and their flames that don’t burn.
Just warm and just peaceful.

But the darkness is there to stay there till the end.
So…how many moments of feeling good till it’s  done, till the lights go out and the flames burn up?
Till you’re able to end an everlasting night of misery, missing something, missing comfort.
In yourself cause you haven’t found it anywhere.
Until now.

Turn it around for yourself.
Within yourself.
You don't have control over everything.
Sometimes it's overwhelming.

But you deserve to give yourself the opportunity to feel better than life lets you feel.
Escape through yourself, feel it inside.
Look it in the eye.
You are the shining light and colours that are blowing.

Your movements are the feeling and the feelings are the movents.
It's you embracing you.
And the universe is everywhere.
Even in this place of terror.
So are your soul sisters and brothers.

Move slowly.
Turn quickly.
Move slowly.
Turn quickly.

You are medicating yourself with toxicity.
Because there's no place for you to live around here.
So you have to be a portal, let the truth come through.
That's how the trash gets out.
Or at least is not around for a while.

Move slowly.
Turn quickly.
Move slowly.
Turn quickly.....

What used to make you happy?
Dancing to that song, feeling like it was still possible to have the energy.
To enjoy being alive.
Inspired by a person or a movie.

Now there are soothing voices of good artists that have passed away.
They made their final albums even after they had died.
But most of them embraced life enough to want to delay that day.

And you are trapped in a loop listening to all they had to share.
And you are still growing untill you join the team of people that feel close to you already.
Some won't dance with you.

Some just speak through the sounds they used to make.
The energy still runs deep.
So deep that when you inhale it, you get shiffers all over.
Sometimes you beg them to make it stop.

But it's a loop.
Turn around and see how much you've grown.
Last year you were young, even in your face and movements.
You danced and sang two whole perfect days after a week in hospital.

Some family and friends watching.
Some watched you dance and sing.
Some only got to watch you in that uncomfortable hospital bed.

Turn it around for yourself.
Within yourself.
The noise will not stop by itself because you give everything.
Things will change and turn and twist you.
Listen inside.

Move slowly.
Turn quickly.
Move slowly.
Turn quickly.

And love.
Love you, love them, feel them as they love you.
Or don't love you, used to love you, still remember, good or bad.

Turn it around for yourself.
Within yourself.
You don't have control over everything.
Sometimes it's overwhelming.

But you deserve to give yourself the opportunity to feel better than life lets you feel.
Escape through yourself, feel it inside.

Move slowly.
Turn quickly.
Move slowly.
Turn quickly.....

Ancient robots are cute little dancers.
The moon is a circle in a dream of a fantastic star.
But you are the one with the voice that is clear.
Always when I hear.
I see the world differently when you’re next to me.
I have to give away a piece of me as a piece of energy.

But who answers when nothing matters?
I mean: nothing can be forced so when I’m stuck, who takes me out?
Take me out on an adventure, don’t warn me, you never do anyway.
This time in a good way.
Please, pleading has no use.
Something’s always got to give, some breaking of the mind, some breaking of everything.
Some abuse.

Some rebuilding, reshaping, I got no say in when, how and where, better not care.
Take care.
And please tell me: will we be making sandwiches again?
Again in the world beyond this one?
Another Matrix or the source?
Enjoying the simple things of life on earth, no more, no more, not anymore?

The power of creation.
New things.
New worlds.
Black circles, everything.
It’s coming, always coming in and out, and in and never out, let me in, never out, never in.
Come in.
Come out alive.
We all want to come out alive, right?
I didn’t.
But I did.
I was born but never came out myself, almost died.

I wanted to dance but they put me in a room with no space.
So I gained weight.
And when I wanted to sing all these people in this town started staring.
So I started skating, tying the laces of skates till my fingers started bleeding.
Even with plastic tape around them it’s not always working and my muscles are hurting from bending and tying.
Tying laces for 20 minutes before finally skating freely.

And after years I finally found a good mattress but now it’s laying there in the way of everything.
It doesn’t fit on the bed, in my room, no space for exercising.
A shop at every street, no space for walking.
No space in my head when OCD-ing, trying to find a way through this everyday.

All that most people can see is me complaining.....

I have a feeling that I need something more than the sunrise and sunset for so long.
Life feels like a box in which I never did belong.
So I'm either tired or seeking for more in vain.
A lot more than sunlight, a little more than rain.

A few more bites, another slice of anything that's nice.
A better place, a warmer shelter, a bigger price.
To compare for the hunger and the pain.
The pain I could never explain.

Because people say and I like to believe that many things should have a reason why.
I'd probably only figure out really how that's true when I die.

I stopped believing in a great ending and stories but I know it all falls into place just fine.
Right now I'm balancing high between two places to fall on a thin line.

Having to decide but falling anyway soon.
In the morning, at night and noon.
I'm in a box.
I'm between two rocks.
Too slipery to climb up.
No backing up.

Watching the sun set and rise.
Wanting to be in another world to finish off in paradise. 🖤⚡️🔥

I want to live in the past.
The present and the future.
Change my hair, shed my skin.
Be all alone in the forest able to see anyone.
Any time, any place, any movement I make is chosen, actually chosen.
Not with the illusion of choice.
When your path is set out fitting.
I want to be creating new things everyday.
And live anywhere with you and alone.
Do what I want when I want to.
Be anything I want to be.
All alone in the forest or at the big lake with the waterfalls.
And see you whenever I choose to.
Sleep comfortably in a large bed in the sky, sing every lullaby.
Or a different song all the time.
Embraces always there.
To find.
I want to live.

You’re not real, are you?
Yet my lips I kept soft, just for you.
The pain of life’s too great.
And we cannot be even if you were for real.
But when you appear into my dreams they are so intensely pure, so good.
You trigger all the good parts deep inside me.

Yet I cannot sing freely when you’re there in person.
It’s too much.
I choke.
In all the feelings and all of those tunes.

You play on your piano.
I forget the world, I try everything to block out everything.
Everything but your tunes.
And your voice.

As I am standing by the river there’s a flower. Floating.
Such a dark flower pretty.
One of its kind.
Drops lay down upon its surface.
It is drowning but afloat.
It is dying.

Eventually.
But I’m following it’s journey for today.
For tonight.
As I think about our lives that we have lived. I’m still here but you have crossed.
Over to another river.

But I still see you and feel you, energy coming.
Because those rivers they can cross.
And I’m floating.
Crossing too.
But I’m still here.
Watching.
The river, the flower and feeling.
Pain and agony and love.

And maybe one day there’s a flower growing.
Again.
I will lay my body down and cry.
A new life.
The next kind.
The river reflects the sun.
Alive as a river is a flower so new.
So old and broken.

So sad and so alive, so warm and so wise.
Because of watching and growing.
Drowning and dying.
Floating and crossing.
Forever.
You, me and everything.
Like a running river.
Or sleeping like a flower.
Floating.

💜🪷🥀💧

Do I make you happy?
Do I make you sad?
And happy?
How do I make you happy?
I gave up on happiness but I want to have good moments.
With you as much as possible, I hope that makes you happy.
If only for a moment, hopefully a little longer.

How can I make you happy when I don’t feel happy about life?
I just want to love you and be loved.
As long as we can.
One moment I’m sure we’ll make it, the next I’m just a mess of thoughts and feelings.
Cause I have no good experience with this.
Not sure that I can make you happy.

When I say “everything will be ok”, I mean just for today.
I don’t mean forever and always.
I mean we’ll get through this somehow.
And it’s no fun most moments.
You have to realize.
It’s hard work.
Really hard work for just those moments of peace.
And we’re doing it.
When it goes on for too long some people get weary.
At times or forever.
For the rest of their lives, a little or a lot.
It can feel so uncomfortable.
Struggling daily.
But then when you reach a milestone in the day you can be proud, celebrate, be a boss.
Because, come on, you did it, AGAIN

✨⭐️🩵💙💜HOPE is all we’ve got when life’s rough. Accepting things are not how we wish them to be. But they feel better in dreams sometimes. And you forget about pain that you carry. You meet people and hug them. And it’s so intense. Like a drink to a song times a 1000. Or more. You don’t know anything else. Let that hope be that dream. And that dream be that HOPE 💜💙🩵⭐️✨

Dear daughter,

Don’t you feel right now how every little thing is just enough or a little too much?
Wishing for something better, wanting something nice...  

Melancholic from the past.
You and him on the beach.
It’s in your system.  
But now you’re just walking away.
Back to where it all started but you haven’t just started.

You’ve seen and felt it all.
It’s time to finish the circle and be grateful for the past.
And the pain can still be there.
You are ready to face it.
It’s ok.
It’s just sliding off your tired body that feels heavy on your soul.

It’s ok cause you’re going back to where you belong.
Finally you’re ready.
Back where you belong.
It’s ok.
The journey’s over.

I don’t want to cry around 6 am because of the pain that I’m in.
Keeping you awake.
Life ******* me up, ******* your life up.

I didn’t get comfy so I try to wake up.
You’re doing everything, losing sleep and try to comfort me.
It’s impossible but it helps.

I’m sorry.
It just hurts.
Life hurts.
Waking up burns, my body aches and my head breaks…
**** that!
**** life ******* up.
We are strong but I’ve been over it.

For too long.
So I don’t feel that strong anymore, I feel so sore.
You almost can fix everything so you took a challenge.

Not that you will ever try to “fix me”, you can fix the wrong things sometimes.
And I try to find a way through life again when it’s ******* me over.
There’s no “;”, it did get better but it won’t be over.

Over and over, overwhelming and hard.
Painful and rough.

You hold me in the mud flood while it’s chocking me.
And so you can’t sleep.
So I’m sorry.
Peace is hard to find and when I do I lose it too easily.

That breaks me but I still want to be here too.
In your arms every night.

Maybe the clock will be turned back on when it stops.
So I will crush it this time when it does.

Maybe the heart will live longer than the body.
So I’ll bury it with me forever.

My energy will be free.
It has to.

A life of everything.
Balanced for freedom.
Seen all possibilities, felt all the bad, gone through the motions.
I’m no longer bound.

So this time the clock will be crushed.
When it stops.

Nobody will be rushed back into a life on earth.
See what you will find this time.

A heart full of freedom and a garden of fruit.
Flowers and water, colors and moons.

Forever.
Like love in a dream with an Easter egg.
Filled with cream.
So tasty and you can eat all you want and smile.

Smile to the love of your life after life.

Maybe muscle memory goes deeper than a body.
Like lipsyncing to a song that you never heard before.
Dreaming in a language that you don’t speak anymore.

I am angry when I try to sleep.
I am angry when I try to wake.
I am angry when I try to live.
I am angry when I try to die.

Maybe this impossible life takes longer than my age.
Like looking back a couple of months not believing where I was living.
And everything I believed in has again all been changing.

I am finally where I tried to be.
I got finally what I need to take.
I have finally a way out of this place.
I know finally what’s going on but I can’t leave.

So now what again?
Making the best of it and doing what I can?
I deserve to get out and go see what’s beyond.
Although my view is clear.
Clear from here.

But I keep being angry when I try to sleep.
Keep being angry when I try to wake.
Keep being angry when I try to live.
Keep being angry when I try.

Forget about time.
Make time forget about you.
You don’t exist in time.
You died too many times.
You’re not living with time.
All the times you cried are not here where time has passed.
And you exist somewhere where there’s no time left.
Time is just dead.
But you exist.
Always.

💀⏲️🔨✨

That kinda hurt.
That OCD on my head.
All the guys are standing around there.
Hold my hand shadow, hold my hand.

I lie my body with a quilted coat before the fountain.
Underneath the trees that keep dropping things and the birds are in them.
The guys are watching from the pavement.
They are watching a lady covered in plastic playing the paino with her cat.

Nobody sees me lying down near the fountain.
Listening to dust to dust to dust.....
I need to trust, or should I always?
It will always turn out how you feel it should in the end.

You have to go through it, you're allowed to be sad.
But you can be happy in the moment.
I sing so loud, basically crying on the street ignoring everybody.
The wind is so fresh on my buzzed cut, yeah!

Hold my hand shadow, hold my hand.
This will take a little while more.
This will hurt a little longer.
Cause you weren't able to disappear into the air.

And leave to go anywhere cause this guy called you back again.
That didn't hurt at all.
It made me feel so much more alive than the days before.
But I was still feeling, I was actually bursting all the time before he pulled me back.

I want to break out of this.
I want to lie on his bed.
I want to stare back at these guys watching a lady in plastic playing.
I want to be playing the games that I choose.

Not the ones that are happening because I am stuck in this game.
But I want to feel my own feelings, even in here.
Let me experience it all.
Let me tease you into staring at me like the world is disappearing.
And we are not!

In this world there’s love, when you look deeper inside it feels like a belonging.
Are there actual words for deep feelings?
I like to try to find my way of expressing them at least.

I like to try through words, movements, sound.
I feel so distracted by noise, I feel so uncomfortable in life.
But when I think about love/belonging I feel so much emotion, realness, longing.

My thoughts can get in the way of my love, the “now”, the true desire.
Set me free, I beg you now, torturing place, prison guard, unlock the chains.
⛓️‍💥
**** the disease.
Break the bars.
Release the tension.
Come get me.
Let me out.
Spread your arms open wide.
Let me inside.
Welcome me.

New world of love and belonging, inside you and me.
Away from here where there’s noise and control and no control of your life.
I’m dying over and over just to live a little, fighting battles for some peace.

Let me let it go, let it out, get out, blow up.
Dream far.
Escape fast and stay away.
Long enough to feel so good.
To know what it’s like again to have energy, be exited about something.

Over someone.
A connection.
A place.
A new way to be.
A new name and body.
A fresh feeling.
Fulfillment, purpose, hope, belonging/love.

Trying to block out the pain, the noise, the restlessness.
With love.

Love, compassion and trust.
I have been resentful towards all the struggles.
But what does that bring to anyone or myself?
Although it’s very hard to let go of this feeling.

When I try to live but it’s been so rough and it still feels like that.
And I get distracted all the time from what I really want.
To do, to be, to send out.
I wish it was all over when it keeps not working.

And also because I know all about what it’s been like in the past.
What it felt like.
How I’ve been dead for years.

Because of true suffering and not sleeping.
Not getting myself together.
Not having the right environment.
No peace.

Always fighting.
With a bed.
With noise.
Discomfort.
Pain.
Thoughts.

That brain, it’s torture.
That brain that I tried to **** while feeling dead.

And I close my eyes and say: shhh.
Let me be free.
Or I sing or drink.
I sink into darkness.
Darkness that’s peaceful.

While still fighting.
Knowing about the fight.
It never leaves me fully.
Only when this brain dies.
And I will bring this knowledge to a place where it’s save.
Where I’m save.

Where I’m not dead.
But in love.
In love and free.